We do our best to laugh at the upside-down world.
Here is your opportunity to join the hilarity.
A “memo” follows from the company stationery of a now-defunct psychiatric hospital in the 1990s. It lays out a new “personnel policy.”
I must emphasize this is a joke.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: RESTROOM USE POLICY
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restrooms as needed. Effective May 1, 1995, a restroom trip policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and to reduce unproductive overuse of the facilities.
Under the new policy, a Restroom Trip Bank Account will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, an employee will be granted twenty (20) “Restroom Trip Credits.”
Within the next two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations that include computer-linked voice recognition software. During this period, the Human Resources Department will schedule recordings of each employee’s voice. One recording will be of the individual’s normal speaking voice, the other done under stress.
From April 1 through the end of April, the use of the Voice Print Recognition Stations will be optional upon entering the restroom. However, it is recommended that each worker acquaint himself with the new installations during this period.
Beginning May 1, each staff member must use the Voice Recognition Station in order to gain entry into the washroom. If the employee’s Restroom Trip Bank Account should reach zero, the door to the facility will not unlock in response to that employee’s voice until the beginning of the next month.
In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with “timed toilet paper roll-retractors.” If the stall has been occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open automatically.
If the stall remains occupied, your photo will be taken.
The picture will be posted on the bulletin board by the beginning of the next business day. Anyone whose photo appears three times will be immediately terminated.
Your supervisor can answer any questions you may have about the new policy and procedures.
Have a nice day!
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The top image is of a pseudo-17th-century women’s restroom sign taken in November 2007 in Williamsburg, PA, by Kilom691 and altered by AnonMoos. The photo of a Bell & Howell Digital Camera is the work of Indiana Jo. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
What a unique method to quantify an employee’s use of time for elimination. With voice recognition no less. Very progressive for that era. I hope they gave older employees a bit more time in their banks. I’d hate to see anyone suffer the mortification of unintentional accidents.
Thanks, Lois. The notion of unintentional accidents caught my attention. I remember classmates who had such thing in grade school. One in particular had to do with a teacher who told us we couldn’t go to the washroom until a specified time.
Oh my! Thankfully I’ve never worked anywhere that would have had the nerve to institute this type of policy. Imagine getting this memo and wondering, based on actual, less than stellar corporate functions, that it might just be the real thing. Yikes! I might be looking into some sort of camping toilet to store under my desk or in a back storage closet 😉
My thought exactly, Deb!
I would panic immediately if someone told me I was cut off for more than an hour or so…!
Be careful with the phrase “cut off,” Deb! Especially if you are talking to a man!
LOL! Thinking only of that big locked door Dr. Stein. No harm to any male genitalia intended 😉
I am relieved — a pun I think!
Your comment is way funnier than my blog post, Deb! Thanks!
Well thank you! I would very seriously be plotting alternatives if this scenario was real. That comes directly from my 3 full term pregnancy plus now aging female bladder. It would be a shame to have to leave my job, especially if it was one I enjoyed but bathroom access is a must!
I agree. We don’t want to see you with a knife in your hands, Deb!
Terry Pratchett called it a ‘time and motion’ study 🤣
Very clever. Hats off to Terry Pratchett!
Oh good golly….AS IF we needed more to mull given the whole swirl – still – about remote, hybrid, in-person work. I wonder how the jokesters who wrote this piece might reinvent the silly rhetoric in order to manage pesky work-from-home employees who might be doing a lot more than just tinkling whenever they choose. LOL. 🤣
I haven’t heard the “tinkle” word in a while, Vicki. It does seem as though some political types are only too willing to impose themselves on the world. Thank you!
😉😉😉
Yikes! Heaven forbid!
I suppose we have to be careful not to give anyone ideas, Rosaliene. And remember, this “memo” came out before we were worried very much about our privacy! Thank you.
This is hilarious. Thank you! ________________________________
You are very welcome, Richard!
I use up my allotment in the first week, after that I’d be looking for a new job! 🤣
I will keep your secret, Tamara!
Hilarious!! Not allowing entry until the next month…so good!
I suppose the expression for of the end of the month is “Hold on!” Thanks, Wynne.
Ha, ha, ha!
I believe I worked for such a bureaucratic operation once upon a time. Good thing I quit. When I taught 7-8th grade, I never required them to raise their hands for permission to use the bathroom. When does that inhumanity end? College? And I certainly never asked the dreaded question I’ve know some teachers to employ: “Is this an emergency?”
The “emergency” question offers some dark humor, unless one is the young person of whom it is asked! Thank you, Evelyn.