Our conversations with others aren’t always as easy as we wish. From the beginning, there can be misunderstanding and self-consciousness. To the good, our tools to enhance human contact include deeds and words. But we often forget two more: body language and silence.
Soundlessness fuels terror for some. Perhaps we don’t know what to say, which words to use, or when to voice them, and we fear appearing foolish. The clock ticks away, and the silent seconds stretch forever, like taffy or bubble gum.
Silence and patience are available to aid communication. I spoke about this with the redoubtable Wynne Leon and Dr. Victoria Atkinson on their podcast, Episode 37: The Waiting Game with Dr. Gerald Stein.
Waiting in a state of quiet calm permits events to unfold, creating a sense of power and control within the one who understands how to use it.
Think of a stalled dating dialogue. As those awkward moments continue without a topic for discussion, you might speak with your counterpart about times when the two of you enjoy stillness over sound.
It is vital to recognize that one of the goals of encountering new people is to find out if they are compatible with you, not vice versa.
Focusing on them — their manner of dress and way of sitting or standing, allows you to infer a lot. Note hand and arm movements, facial expressions, quality of voice, reaction to the shared surroundings, and apparent discomfort or ease — and you find out still more.
The Dalai Lama said,
“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”
I would add, watch while you concentrate on hearing the stranger. Rehearsing a short list of questions to be asked often helps take the focus off of you.
It might help you if you think of conversation as an experiment, a chance to learn and grow. A lifetime gives you endless possibilities, from chats with the checker at the grocery store to interaction with parents, siblings, people of unfamiliar cultures, teachers, therapists, and others.
The paralyzing date experience potentially feeds your evolution, helps accumulate confidence, and enables mastery of anxiety with each additional opportunity. Reminding oneself that the moment does not mean life or death tends to reduce a sense of catastrophe. Recalling that you have recovered from more devasting events in your past can do the same. A meditation practice might be stabilizing, as well.
The following comes from the Bright Way ZEN website:
The Buddha taught there are five things to consider before speaking. Is what you’re about to say
- Factual and true?
- Helpful, or beneficial?
- Spoken with kindness and good-will (that is, hoping for the best for all involved)?
- Endearing (that is, spoken gently, in a way the other person can hear)?
- Timely (occasionally something true, helpful, and kind will not be endearing, or easy for someone to hear, in which case we think carefully about when to say it)?
Kindness and gentleness do not require words. You can smile at the other, touch, and make eye contact. The above video of Marcel Marceau demonstrates a more comprehensive range of facial and bodily communication in two minutes than most of us use daily.
Sometimes, a question followed by your silence can produce surprising and beneficial consequences. In my podcast conversation, I spoke of a 15-year-old with ADHD whom I treated in a psychiatric hospital because of his reckless and uncontrolled misbehavior.
By the time of the interaction I described, I knew the young man well and asked him something important. His initial reaction displayed impulsivity and thoughtlessness. I then waited to find out if he might offer a more insightful response. He did, ending the moment’s stillness perhaps 30 seconds later. It proved to be the foundation upon which we built the treatment.
Think back to childhood; I suspect you recall your parents’ mood changes. They may have been able to convey their disapproval by facial expression alone, and you became adept at reading them.
Face-to-face time with a stranger reveals essential qualities in the other. Does he pay attention to you? Does he want to discover more about you? Does he cut you off as you speak or look at his watch or cell phone instead of you?
You might find that limiting your speech lets you determine whether you would care to know this woman or man better. New acquaintances must prove to you that future time with them can be worthwhile. Your time holds value.
To gather more about the teenage psychiatric hospital patient I treated, a funny dating story, and much else, I hope you listen to Episode 37: The Waiting Game with Dr. Gerald Stein.
As WFMT Radio’s legendary Studs Terkel always ended his glorious interview show, “Take it easy, but take it.”
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The image after the Marcel Marceau YouTube video includes Ronit Alkabats and Yonat Segal in the episode Blind Meeting from Stories from Late Night. It is the work of the Snowman.
The bottom photo shows Two Disabled People on a Date, by Chona Kasinger for Disabled and Here.
