The unexpected things a patient says in therapy change the counselor’s understanding of why his client chose partner A instead of B.

We usually think desire is fueled by physical attraction, the wish to be cared for, a sense of humor, strength of character, and emotional or financial security. Having children, too. There are more motives, but I will add three you might not have considered.

1. Feeling Sorry for the Other:

Several women said they married because they felt sorry for the potential mate. The sorrow might have been due to illness on one side or emotional torment on another. The second wife of George Orwell gave in to her ambivalence about the author of 1984 because of his desperate sickness, for example.

Some of the ladies in question perceived their future husband as socially clumsy and gave in to his proposal because of his childlike nature — his lack of finesse and awareness of quite what to say or do. He seemed earnest but not suave, or perhaps unsophisticated and innocent.

According to Mari Ruti, the late feminist philosopher, society conveys the message that a woman’s job is to adapt to and repair a man. She is expected to be empathic, work around his flaws, and fill the relationship’s empty or broken spaces.

This “cruel optimism” too often leaves a wife taking the blame for what her husband lacks or what remains difficult to tolerate and manage as a couple. Ruti suggests the result will not only be the woman’s self-blame and sense of failure but a waste of years when her assessment of what is possible is too hopeful. The emotional drain on her robs life of its possibilities.

2. Persistence:

Some men will not let go. They are tireless. Female patients often told me they were not attracted to their future spouses when they first met. With time, his display of kindness, generosity, intellect, sensitivity to her vulnerability, and decency convinced them of what had been missed on first acquaintance.

A less desirable outcome also exists. The excellent, hidden characteristics noted above do not always appear. Instead, the fellow wears down the woman’s ability to resist because of insensitivity, bullying, or controlling qualities. She might also persuade herself that time will remedy the difficulties.

If she is tired of dating, hears her biological clock ticking off its remaining seconds, and can think of no other desirable man she has recently encountered, the white flag of surrender might be raised.

3. Searching for the Opposite: 

Many single individuals create a list of qualities they seek in a relationship. It sometimes happens, however, that the most essential quality determining their choice is the unhappiness they experienced in a past relationship. In addition to avoidance of a similar person, the searcher may hope to stay away from anyone with traits identical to a parent.

Imagine a former abusive lover. Of course, one wishes to avoid one more. But will the choice of someone different yield an individual who is weak, too deferential, without the capacity to assert himself, or the expectation that his partner will provide most of the strength of character for them to take on the world?

Looking for the opposite isn’t limited to unkindness of a physical or verbal kind. If your father could not financially support his family, seeking someone preoccupied with making money but otherwise emotionally unavailable generates a different type of problem.

Imagine a former partner who had no religious faith and ridiculed your own. If this issue dominates your exploration for someone else, your new romantic interest could be more extreme in his attachment to his faith than you are.

I also heard more than a few who told me their dad was lazy. The result was marriage to a person who ate work for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After that, the one who sought someone different than the father was consumed by loneliness.

Since no one has complete self-awareness, choosing a lover is complicated. Finding a well-matched partner when the unconscious casts a secret ballot makes the task even more difficult. Then, of course, there are hormones to consider and passion that sweeps away all doubts about the choice.

None of the above is intended to discourage you from enchantment, fulfillment of desire, or the comfort of one who understands you and whose thoughtfulness and loyalty are priceless. Instead, consider this essay a reminder of the need to look inside yourself and observe caution to the extent possible.

As the Knight Templar in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said, “Choose wisely.”

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The above images are all the work of Giuseppe Arcimboldo and are sourced from Wikiart.org/ They represent three of the four seasons: Spring, Summer, and Winter.