I have given advice, and I have taken it. I have refused to give it and refused to take it. Therapists often meet those who expect them to give them a solution. They are banked on to treat, where treatment is an active process entirely in their hands. The client need not do anything. Remedies are rarely as effortless as that unless you are unconscious and a surgeon is operating on you. When you are in the position of giving guidance, taking it, or entering into a therapeutic relationship, you might want to consider the following: When people tell you their troubles, don’t assume they want instruction on what to do. They often wish only a patient listener, comfort, understanding, and support. They also wish to be seen — known, and accepted for who they are in their head and heart by your head and heart. Some, of course, plead for direction. If they praise and return for your frequent help, dependency occurs. Beware in any case. If you provide oversight or supervision, you have taken responsibility for the outcome of the actions that follow from their understanding of what you’ve said. Blame may be your unexpected “reward.” One of the biggest mistakes an advisor can make is a generic answer to the question of what to do. Counselors create a treatment plan only after taking a history and getting to know who the patient is in-depth. They learn not only from what the individual says but what he doesn’t say. The psychologist attends to qualities of voice, humor, appearance, posture, body language, and eye contact. Without these, any aid sometimes fails because of what has been overlooked. An experienced doctor knows how to listen. Telling you what is wrong is often set aside in favor of asking you questions that lead you to identify patterns of behavior and what they have cost you. I am speaking of cost as measured by psychological pain, depression, anxiety, insecurity, or remorse.

If you respond to the question of what unhappiness your actions contribute to, you will have taken ownership of your history. Acceptance of the need to choose a different path, therefore, follows. Had you been told of the costs by the psychotherapist, you might not have owned your circumstances or recognized that you are, in significant part, the person with the responsibility and agency — capability — to make life changes. Other questions are also helpful. What else have you tried? What else should I know? What is your goal? Why? Are you doing this for yourself or someone else? Wait for the answer. Hesitate to jump into the silence. Sometimes, the most critical revelations come when the advisor allows the pregnant moment to ripen and whatever insight is inside to break out and gain expression in words. No matter what the self-help books say, one size doesn’t fit all, and miracle cures are the stuff of faith healers and con men. Read, but don’t wait endlessly to live and learn from the act of living. That said, the least complicated advice is often simple, funny, and fitting for almost everyone. As the legendary Pittsburgh Pirates baseball player Vernon Law said: “Some people are so busy learning the tricks of the trade that they never learn the trade.” Learn the trade. The trade is life, and the learning must never end.

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The first painting is Advice to a Young Artist by Honore Daumier. It is followed by Thomas Rolandson’s Advice to a Publican, or a Secret Worth Knowing. Both were sourced from Wikimedia Commons.