When we think of love, do we wish to give or receive? The answer is personal and includes both, but not always.
Let’s begin with reception. We wish to be loved, to feel it, and recognize the other’s patience and fixed attention.
Who doesn’t want to be heard, known, and understood? No one.
We dream of three words. Many wish they could speak the exact phrase unafraid: to utter “I love you” while holding the hand of the beloved and viewing eyes full of color, luster, and lust only for you. There is freedom and risk in this; a tightrope walk to a fuller life or a shattered heart.
We hope to be taken seriously, beyond appearance, to the recognition of our wholeness — neither objectified nor commodified. Sex, yes, but more. Tenderness, concern, sacrifice, poetry, and astonishment, too.
Flowers and candy are desirable but don’t necessarily convey much thought.
Which flowers? What kind of candy? Do you know her favorites?
The best gift tells of a search for what will bring tears to this person and no other because such a present comes from insight, awareness, and comprehension of a non-generic heart.
Love is the unmarked path from complexity to simplicity — intense but easeful in the end, alive with smiles, humor, and touch.
You extend yourself not to create indebtedness but because you wish your partner joy, and her joyfulness pleases you.
As the French call it, amour exists in the space before and after scent and sensuality. It lives between seeing and hearing, words spoken and those unsaid. There is a back and forth to it, a fullness inside to the point of bursting.
To be in love seeks no replacement part or participant. Someone new is unnecessary. It does not wait for a more fitting other, more dazzling magic, a trade of this for that as if dealing in stocks and bonds.
There are always possible substitutes, but the lover does not seek them like next year’s cellphone, with new features and claims of more than you imagined.
The nature of “the one” creates beauty lasting in the eye even when other heads no longer turn in her direction. You see her image afresh, permanently as she was.
Bonded hearts contain shared challenges and friendship, as well as intellectual admiration. The sensation is like an anesthetic trance you wish to last forever. The appreciation of the other fills your hours and fuels the want to say “yes” and give until the waterfall crests.
Some important advice: do not take this wondrous state for granted. You must renew its lease.
A living, loving romance is playfulness and laughter. Youthful when aged, the grateful amazement and contradiction of excitement amidst stillness. Secure because you are not alone and as close to oneness as possible.
How do you know it isn’t an illusion? You don’t, not yet, maybe never, though it helps to share histories and hardships, your separate worlds before you joined them.
Here is an unreal reality worth seeking. That at least once, when together, the world will disappear. Then, no women or men shall exist but the two of you. Call yourselves Adam and Eve, or whatever names and genders apply.
And when you eat from the tree of knowledge, you will know who stands before you as if for the first time.
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The photo is the 1898 work of Frank Eugene, initially published in Camera Work. It is called Adam and Eve, sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
I really appreciate this post, Dr. Stein. I was just chatting with my partner yesterday about how everyone we know talks about how “hard” and how much “effort” relationships are, where ours feels natural – or as you describe, “intense but easeful”. I’ve often wondered where that sense of ease comes from. You’ve provided some wonderful insights – things I suppose we’ve figured out along the way, simply by paying attention.
The whole premise of your piece, particularly the idea of tenderness, brings to mind Sharon Old’s poem, The Knowing. If you have an appreciation for poetry, I think you may like it.
Thank you, Esoterica. I am glad you enjoyed it. And your relationship sounds very special. I have only recently encountered the work of Sharon Olds, and used one of her poems in a post a few weeks back, but I didn’t know “The Knowing.” Quite tender. Thank you for recommending it.
This is a very idealized form of love that a lucky few have known, and the rest of the people seek, but in their romantisization of love, of being in love with the concept of love, don’t see that the person they bestow their affections on might not be a good match, or have the relationship skills for that to happen!
Indeed, it is idealized, Tamara, but I think, at its most wondrous, that is the marvel of being in love.
I agree that rational matches employing well-honed relationship skills are important. That said, a life without the experience of being swept away for a time would be a pity. And, I imagine, produce fewer babies!
My take on love does not view it as a rational process, nor, frankly do I see the world as being an especially rational place right now. However rare love may be, I’d be happy to put it into a bottle and sell it at cost. In this challenging moment, it might be just the thing we need.
Thank for your always thoughtful comments, Tamara.
Very true Dr. Stein, love isn’t always rational! As the saying goes “the heart wants what the heart wants!” is very apropos!
Thanks, Dr. Stein…four decades in, your wisdom resonates about the care and keeping of love: “Some important advice: do not take this wondrous state for granted. You must renew its lease.” Yes! Yes!
Keep going, Vicki. More books and more love ahead! Thanks for your glowing example!
Aww…thanks for being you and offering hope, wisdom, insight. Xo! 🥰
“Love is the unmarked path from complexity to simplicity — intense but easeful in the end, alive with smiles, humor, and touch.” One of my favorite lines from another beautiful post brimming with life, optimism, and wisdom.
Well, I will take life and optimism. As to wisdom, I have had enough changes in that department to wonder. But your comment is appreciated, Evelyn.
Thanks for this very thought-provoking post, Dr. Stein. As you know, I have not been successful in the giving and receiving of the marital union. Like Evelyn, I was especially struck by your observation that “Love is the unmarked path from complexity to simplicity — intense but easeful in the end, alive with smiles, humor, and touch.” Sadly, my former partner and I never got beyond the complexity of developing a loving union. I envy the couples I know who, after married for several years, now enjoy the ease that you speak of.
The unmarked path does not make it easier to find or to find our way to the goal once we are on it, Rosaliene. Many get there for a time, but their lease is brief.
You have lots of company, though you are one of those who surely deserves whatever happiness is possible in life, Rosaliene. Thanks for your openness.
I appreciate your kind wishes, Dr. Stein <3
HY
Hello, Hy. Wonderful to hear from you. You were instrumental in making the Zeolite Scholarship a success. All the best to you and Esther.
This is such a profound description, “Love is the unmarked path from complexity to simplicity.” Holy smokes – there is so much to unpack in that. As does, “Here is an unreal reality worth seeking.” I love the picture you paint, Dr. Stein. Thank you for that gift!