relationships

October 12, 2025

Hot Pursuit: When You Scare Potential Lovers

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I can’t wait. Three words that get us into a lot of trouble. Especially in the hot pursuit of love.

Waiting is difficult. Think of the doctor’s waiting room, or an unchanging traffic light. Or perhaps marking time for a job interview or hoped-for movement in the grocery store.

Zen practitioners remind us that these situations offer opportunities to learn patience, not evoke annoyance. Indeed, there is something worthwhile in their point of view if you are trying to win a potential lover.

Timing counts (pun intended). Lots of questions to answer: how often to call or text, when to display affection, and how to express feelings for the other.

Where is your heart?

I’m not talking about how soon to make love. As difficult as such decisions can be, many people are not troubled by outward physical acts. Instead, the issues I’m raising have to do with showing you care, a thing beyond sexuality.

Extremes of behavior tend to be dangerous. The anxious young admirer either holds back or rushes to reveal that the beloved is his starlit night sky and morning’s birdsong. Sometimes it causes the desired one to run screaming into a less magical night, as far from you as possible.

She is right to be scared if you betray her importance to you after spending two evenings with her! Pedestals are expensive, and your love may have a fear of heights! The faster you dash after her, the speedier she will sprint, without discovering anything worthwhile about you.

When the flood and drama of urgency begin, the full-throttle pressure to chase your freshly anointed favorite is almost unbearable.

It is hard to withhold what is oozing from your veins or betraying your emotions in some other way: candy, flowers, poetry, and endless compliments—all with a perpetually melting gaze, the type puppy dogs offer their mistresses.

You become so enamored of the other that your soul aches upon hearing her voice, and her smile at you makes you want to cheer.

Get a grip if you can—a big if, my friend. Some restraint might be necessary to give the relationship and mutual feelings time to develop.

How will you select the moment or manner of disclosing your desire? Sometimes, signs signal she shares your sentiments, at least a little, and wants you to proceed.

Unfortunately, green and red work perfectly only on traffic lights.

Confused?

If you are inclined to verbalize the premature “I adore you,” it is almost impossible to stop yourself.

Second, the intimations can be indecipherable without a lot of experience (and, on occasion, with it).

One needs practice in figuring out another person. Making a fool of yourself and having your heart broken are a part of growing up. When you are in love, your soul makes you do things your brain thinks unwise.

If you keep taking the first step and it always falls flat, it’s time to pursue therapy. The same would be true if you never take the risk. A bruised ego is part of your instruction.

Our hearts are not unbreakable. Romance can be a train wreck, but a dangerous ride is the only transport to a destination we long for. As Bart Giamatti wrote:

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.

Giamatti wrote this about baseball, but he might as well have been writing about falling in love or anything about which we care deeply.

Anything in which the dream of winning is unfulfilled.

We are such stuff as dreams are made on.

So voiced the redoubtable William Shakespeare.

Dreams of love are like flowers—they need planting and watering; some good weather and time to cultivate. Do not pick the just-opened bud too soon.

Do your best, but don’t expect to remake yourself. We humans are less than ideal at seeing into the soul of another. As terrible as it is, we all need some heartbreak—it helps you grow in maturity, understanding, and compassion.

Remember, almost everyone recovers.

Try again. Somewhere, somehow—someone may be waiting.

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The top image is called Blindfolded Boy Chasing Another, courtesy of Pearson Scott Foresman. It is followed by Holi: A Sacred Ancient Tradition of Hindus, by Shohrab Hossain Titu. Both pictures are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

September 21, 2025

Where Did All the Bullies Go?

When I was a kid, like all the boys who came before and after me, I learned to deal with bullies. Some fellows fled, others took them on.

One young man-mountain, who was tall and overweight, sat on me once. Another, whose fiery red hair matched the impression that I should stay away, had a beautiful girlfriend whose mother abused her.

She was drawn to such people.

No matter, I stood my ground in defense of one of my brothers and discovered it was worse to be a coward than to take a licking. A few lickings.

At my pugilistic best, I knocked the air out of a classmate named Ernie. It was terrifying to watch him on the ground, writhing and gasping for breath. There is no satisfaction in doing harm, no matter the justification.

As I got older, I discovered that I did better with words than fists. I didn’t always prevail, but I became the person I wanted to be over the course of years.

Matching wits in cross-examination as an expert witness is exhilarating and exhausting, but informs you who you are if you don’t already know. I excelled at it, though it wasn’t a large part of my practice.

Bullies are still present in the world, even though I am well past the point of a street brawl. And while I am not a joiner, you will find me at some rallies and marches. The cause is just, and the exhilaration of a courtroom joust is not so different than joining others for a worthy cause.

The photo above is somewhat like a man in an empty suit. He tries to scare you, but there is really not much to him.

Life is full of tough guys, and we all encounter frauds like the Wizard of Oz, but when you check behind the screen, the loud boasting reminds you of the kids who used to push you around if you let them.

I am old, and I got tired of being afraid some time ago.

As the Stoics of antiquity remind us, tests offer opportunities. Seneca wrote: 

Every difficulty in life presents us with an opportunity to turn inward and to invoke our own inner resources. The trials we endure can and should introduce us to our strengths.

Only then do we discover who we are. 

I am not very pleased to take on such contests. I wasn’t, either, as a kid, but it was necessary then, and it is needed now.

I have grandchildren, you know.

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The “Ghost Sculpture” was sourced from James Lucas on Substack. 

 

 

September 17, 2025

Get Ready!

Since I am well into the Social Security years, it seems entirely fitting that I should tell you what I have learned about aging. Some it it will be funny, some serious, and some both.

Put simply, I intend to offer guidance about how to survive aging (sort of).

If you read to the end of the upcoming post, you will be entered into a drawing to receive the only know autograph of Methuselah, who is said to have lived 969 years!

See, you are already on your way! 

Get ready and good luck!

August 24, 2025

Story Telling and Our Weakness for Misinformation

Think about stories. We have them and tell them, all of us. That has been true since the time of Stone Age Man. He tried to explain the world, the sun, the moon, and the stars. Add the plants, animals, and seasons, as well as how to make the best tools, and survive. 

If someone else had a better or more entertaining account of his circumstances, perhaps the first tale would have been altered or forgotten.

The stories that bound small groups together had an advantage over other, more disparate groups of Homo sapiens. The accounts of how to endure and prosper were useful. 

These ideas kept people secure, instructed them in the refinement of weapons, and more. It explained how and when to plant vegetables, communicated strategies for difficult times, and enabled teamwork in self-defense.

Groups that shared the same story prospered and got larger over time. They were made up of people who identified with each other, in part because they shared the same stories, practices, and beliefs. Yuval Harari,* the author of Nexus, provides a more extended view of the role of narratives that cemented various tribes to one another.

What does this have to do with misinformation?

Stories don’t have to be true. A leader who might offer incomplete or flawed knowledge, in some cases could be persuasive in leading followers and making beneficial decisions about peace and war. Tales about the leader’s strengths, the magnetism of his voice and appearance, and his benevolent nature might create a halo effect of confidence in his talents.

Think of how young ones believe in Santa Claus or Superman. Some stories win over adherents, in part, because parents, educators, or clergy encourage belief in them from an early age.

Adults find religious stories compelling for several reasons. Many explain how the world works, provide meaning, describe how best to live, promise a reward after death, and offer a like-minded community. Religions have both benefited mankind and done harm.

Ancient wisdom should not be dismissed with ease, no matter a sceptic’s perspective. Again, stories don’t have to be verifiable to persuade and benefit much of mankind, but sometimes set them against unbelievers, both spiritual and political.

Religion and faith have also enabled communities of worshipers to survive. Faith-based conviction has fueled the inspirational words and actions of leaders like Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.

Attractive and fluent influencers, as well as TV ads, promote alleged excellent products and themselves via brief stories. These performers often suggest that those who do as they do can become more like them. Direct or implied messages cause some of their viewers to model their decisions on what to wear and what to value.

A common phrase descriptive of free trumpeting of products goes, “If the product is free, you are the product.” You pay with loss of privacy, the capture of your attention, becoming the unaware object of persuasion, and perhaps losing your free will.

Humans are vulnerable. With some frequency, they buy into the merchandise promoted and sometimes the promise of little more than hope and a chance to fulfill their desires. 

Goods featured in commercials are touted by everyday folks who claim miraculous transformations. They tell of prior unhappiness. Not just physical distress, but a lack of confidence, sleep, and relationships. With this background, they indicate their lives have been transformed by the wondrous cosmetic, machine, or supplement being sold.

Algorithms determine what captures our attention, including those presenters, products, games, and politicians we find compelling. Recall Michael Jordan, a charismatic basketball star, who is associated with Air Jordan footwear, clothing, and the commercial slogan “Be like Mike.”

Yuval Harari emphasizes that fiction, inclusive of conspiracy theories, has two advantages over truth.

First, fiction can be made as simple as we like, whereas the truth tends to be complicated, because the reality it is supposed to represent is complicated.

Second, the truth is often painful and disturbing, and if we try to make it more comforting and flattering, it will no longer be the truth.

One example is trying to change the minds of those who believe man-made climate change is fake news. Persuasion might require a detailed explanation and a discussion of research methods and findings, which may be beyond the typical listener’s ability to follow. Such a presentation also risks humiliating the subject, returning him to the days of boring lectures by a know-it-all instructor.

There is more. In our troubled and untrusting world, many are not open to information that unsettles their well-being. They may look away due to the stress of the truth of what is happening.

A person’s worldview is often attached to other beliefs that would be undercut by changing such an opinion. It can be easier to believe in untruths and keep on the right side of one’s social circle. 

Painful knowledge that frays or ends relationships with friends and relatives, and loses the benefit of belonging, comes at a high cost. A hoax can be comforting on multiple levels.

The planet is a complicated place these days, but it offers rewards that require recognition of what is happening in it. The birds still sing, the sun still shines, and children still delight in an ice cream cone on a hot day. May they flourish.

We are the caretakers and defenders of such moments, and what astronomer Carl Sagan referred to as a “pale blue dot.”

Earth and all its living things.

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All of the photos are the work of Laura Hedien, presented with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

In order from the top, they include Elephant at Sunset in Amboseli, Kenya, Early November 2024. Next is a Supercell in Lubbock, Texas, in June 2025. Finally, Texas Sunset with Sunflare in June 2023.

*Here is the link to Yuval Harari’s Nexus, which served as a foundation for this essay.

August 17, 2025

Painful Words and Relationship Repair

Getting the last word can end relationships. Not always, but often. The rage builds in response to perceived offensiveness. Increasing resentment triggers one who has had enough. The chance of pushback grows.

High volume, blistering, venomous comments come at once. You can’t retrieve or erase them. They can be unforgettable.

Sometimes, a more measured retort makes the point without the blast. Let’s consider the offense and how to fix the breach in the relationship.

What Causes the Offense?

Many possibilities:

  • Words that attack or diminish.
  • A sense of being ignored.
  • Unfairness and the belief that you have been taken advantage of.
  • The experience of the offender pushing you around, literally in the case of bullies.
  • Telling your secrets.
  • Making fun of you in public.
  • Infidelity in friendship or love.
  • Too much truth, or at least what the truth-teller thinks is essential to deliver.

Relationships of long standing carry value because of irreplaceable shared experience. Worth might diminish over time, however, for one or both of those who were close.

Some of the reasons:

  • Lives change, and distance increases.
  • Getting married.
  • Having children.
  • Moving away.
  • Taking a different job.
  • Becoming more successful.
  • The feeling of being forgotten.
  • Politics.

One hesitates to mention it or ask the friend to remedy the situation. The injured party concludes that things won’t change, or he is too sensitive.

The discontent enlarges as the pain becomes a daily preoccupation.

Delaying the Response:

The importance of connection contributes to our hesitation to voice concerns. We struggle with the right words, the best moment, and worry our complaints will be dismissed.

Worse, they might cause more damage.

Waiting is common. The possibility of losing the buddy creates hesitation. You fear pushback from the person who injured you.

Some never raise the issue, others explain the difficulties in small pieces. Hoping the friend will enlighten himself fuels the postponement.

Detailing the troubles face-to-face is better than an email or text. The latter are often misunderstood but thought to be safer.

One-Time Conflicts:

If the unhappiness is rare between people who tend to get along well, salving the wound may not be required.

Time can heal the injury. Moreover, if you are a confident person, it is easier to set aside any accusations about your character.

When You Can’t Put the Issue Aside:

If you believe a vital matter will not resolve itself, the question becomes how to approach it:

  • The time lapse since the event or events must be long enough to reduce agitation, but not so long that the opposite party will have forgotten the incident or incidents..
  • Ask yourself if this confidante is worth the trouble.
  • Consider whether the other can understand why you might be upset. If he is obtuse or defensive about such things, never taking responsibility or offering an apology, you are unlikely to repair the bond.
  • Talk to a wise and empathic acquaintance to obtain his perspective.
  • Look in the mirror and evaluate whether you have misunderstood your friend or contributed to the rupture. You might want to lead with this.
  • Be sure the peace talk allows sufficient time.
  • Converse face-to-face or, at worst, on Zoom.
  • Agree to avoid interruptions such as texts and phone calls.
  • Begin by telling the other what he means to you.
  • Organize your thoughts, read them if you prefer, and recognize how your counterpart is responding as you proceed.
  • One thing at a time, if possible.
  • The parties benefit from setting ground rules. These should include the ability to speak without interruption.
  • Consider a mediator or couples counselor.
  • Use “I” statements. That is, “I felt hurt” rather than “you hurt me.”
  • Keep as much eye contact as possible.
  • Realize others might be surprised or have their own list of accusations.
  • Agree to meet a second time or more often. That, by itself, can reveal the friend’s desire to solve the problems and maintain the connection.
  • You may have to renegotiate your relationship to save it.

The Matter of Apology:

Sometimes you need a break. Weeks, months, or years, by design or accident, meet the definition of a time-out or ceasefire of sorts.

Upon reflection, one or the other of you might have cause to apologize, call a truce, or obtain closure by ending things.

Avoid “I did this, but YOU did X… It is a poor expression of regret.

People grow apart and grow back together. Some of us restart a friendship after decades or when the end of life moves closer.

An old baseball expression, if you modify it, applies:

The game isn’t over until the last man is out.

My view is that so long as there is time and the will of both individuals, there is a chance.

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The first painting is Argument Over a Card Game by Jan Steen. Next comes Jealousy by Tomisu. Finally, a painting called Politics, by Robert Robinson.

July 13, 2025

The Questions We Don’t Ask

Much as we understand others, there are often things of which we aren’t aware. The painted acquaintance remains unfinished, no matter how long our association.

Secrets separate — the embarrassing imperfections, the naked truth. All the uncomfortable territory the other prefers to shield, and we never inquire about.

Humans, including the most intelligent, also hide shortcomings from themselves. Intelligence counts for little in such matters. Our species defends against recognizing its flaws.

Even those who have taken several looks in the mirror might ignore or miss shadows. Figurative blind spots cover troubling thoughts.

We repress elements of the dark side, an unconscious, self-protective act. The psychological defense of denial recalls an old play on words known to counselors: “Denial is not a river in Egypt,” a phrase referencing the famous Nile River. The Nile, not denial.

Rationalization cannot be escaped in full, an attempt to give reasons that purify and satisfy our conscience and those who stand in judgment of what we have done.

Projection is another part of our defensive toolkit, characterized by assigning our flaws to friends and strangers. One might go on. There are more ways to keep knowledge of ourselves from ourselves.

Since we don’t want to reveal everything or allow the other to ask us about the guarded portion of our life, we hesitate to open the door to mutual shared intimacies.

Here are a few of those questions (below each photo) that often go unasked and might be experienced as an interrogation by the one from whom answers are expected:

  • Are you as happy as you appear to be?
  • What single moment in your life would you repeat?
  • If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
  • How often do you think about death?
  • What is the thing you’ve never told anyone?
  • What is the action you are most proud of?
  • The worst? Why?
  • How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
  • Do you think you are moral? In what way do your actions demonstrate your morality or fall short?
  • Do you attempt to reduce climate change? In what ways?
  • Do you live by the commandment in Leviticus 19:33-34 of the Hebrew Bible? “The stranger who dwells among you shall be to you as one born among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.”
  • What role does anger play in your life?
  • Kindness?
  • Do you aid the poor and homeless?
  • What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?
  • When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
  • How have you changed in the last 10 years?
  • Will you be recalled in 100 years? What would you like to be remembered for? Why does it matter?

  • Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
  • Do you value enjoyable activities more than purchased objects? Which of these is more fulfilling? Why do you think so?
  • Do you envy the life of another? Why?
  • Have you committed adultery? Why? What happened?
  • What is the state of your marriage? Would you marry the same person again? Would you stay single? Why?
  • What have you learned about life that you didn’t grasp in early adulthood?
  • Describe the most courageous act of your life. How about the least admirable?
  • What must you change to improve your life?
  • Are you lovable? What makes you so?
  • Do these questions cause discomfort?
  • Are you answering them truthfully?
  • If a genie gave you three wishes, what would you wish for?
  • Are you happier alone or with others?
  • Can you be yourself with others?
  • Are you more emotional or logical?
  • Are you more like your father or your mother? In what ways?
  • Are you happy with that? Have you tried to modify any of those qualities?
  • Do you worry about what people say about you? Why? What difference does it make?
  • Does anyone see you as you would like to be seen?
  • What are your values and which do you give priority? How high do you place your own happiness? Justify it.
  • Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?

The list could go on.

Of course, you might want to ask yourself these questions before contemplating the uncomfortable task of questioning anyone.

Another way to approach the subject would be to ask, “What would Jesus do?” As an alternative, fill in the name of the historical or religious figure of your choice.

There are no requirements here, but you might learn something by considering the thoughts and feelings the list has provoked.

So would we all.

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The top image is The Two Faces of Juliet by György Kepes, sourced from Wikart.org. The two photographs are the work of Fan Ho. The first is called Smokey World (1959). The second is entitled Black Lane (1960).

April 10, 2025

“Hurt-People” Hurt People*

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People who are in pain can cause others to have pain.

They don’t wish to; it is not intentional.

Instead, it’s sometimes hard for them to do otherwise.

This will sound insensitive, I know, but beware of starting a new serious relationship with someone who is hurting.

Bear with me here; perhaps you will think better of me and this advice once you read on.

Let us start with the image of a drowning man. If you swim out to save him, you are likely to find that, in his flailing, panicked, and desperate attempt to stay above water, he grabs on to you and pulls you under.

Life guards know this. Since it is their job to save the drowning, they approach them cautiously. They have been well-trained to constrain the movements of the struggling swimmer so that he can be saved and his threat to the rescuer is minimized.

Moving back to dry land in our discussion, how might someone who is hurting do harm to a new best friend or lover?

For one thing, the neediness of the suffering individual can establish an unhealthy basis for the relationship from the start. The unwritten “contract” between the two parties will require that one helps and the other receives comfort, with little reciprocal responsibility. This inequity risks eventual “burnout” in the caretaker and possible frustration that the damaged friend is not improving fast enough.

Some who are in the role of a “friend/helper” find that their own needs are perpetually postponed and that their efforts to provide solace will be seen as entitlement and, therefore, unappreciated and taken for granted. Indeed, even if the altruistic partner receives gratitude early in the relationship, such appreciation often fades.

Sometimes, the connection between the two people morphs into a “hostile dependency,” where the person receiving the assistance resents the fact that he cannot function without his comrade.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/US_Navy_100914-N-7293M-042_Lt._j.g._Daniel_Cooper_and_search_and_rescue_swimmer_Seaman_Apprentice_Ryan_Owens_take_turns_rescuing_an_injured_swimmer.jpg/500px-US_Navy_100914-N-7293M-042_Lt._j.g._Daniel_Cooper_and_search_and_rescue_swimmer_Seaman_Apprentice_Ryan_Owens_take_turns_rescuing_an_injured_swimmer.jpg

Once the injured person recovers, the helper might discover he is no longer needed. Healed from his injury, the formerly damaged partner now might be less interested in spending time together. Just as a bird with an injured wing will fly away when it becomes healthy, your friend might also take off to do other things with other people. Rebound romances are notorious for this sort of thing.

Unfortunately, the caretaker group of this world is overpopulated with people who believe that they have substantial personal inadequacies: that they aren’t bright enough, handsome enough, interesting enough, confident enough, pretty enough, or successful enough to win the interest of another emotionally stable and successful person.

Insecure people tend to believe that no psychologically healthy human would want to go near them. They seek those damaged and hurting souls who might, they reason, find someone with limitations tolerable simply because of the quasi-therapeutic assistance he provides.

To the dismay of the self-doubting persons I’ve just described, I’m here to report that this “solution” to reducing the chance of rejection is potentially disastrous.

Choosing a damaged partner because you believe that he will display perpetual gratitude is a recipe for being used and disappointed. Indeed, the accumulation of rejections from those to whom one shows devotion only reduces one’s sense of self and cements the tendency to choose others who are damaged in the belief that one cannot successfully appeal to anybody else.

It’s better to “get better” and become more confident than to select a lover or a group of friends in various stages of dysfunction because you think no one else will have you. Just because someone you know is unhappy or needy, however genuine his need is, doesn’t necessarily make him a good person or someone right for you.

In considering whether what I’ve written applies to your own life, you might ask yourself whether you know many relatively well-adjusted folks and whether your relationships commonly involve large amounts of hand-holding and quasi-therapeutic devotion. If most of your close social contacts take a good deal more than they give, you might be choosing the wrong close friends and lovers.

Can you predict who will be a reciprocal friend, returning to you close to as much as you give to him? Don’t assume that everyone in the world is badly damaged psychologically. It may simply be that everyone you know is struggling, and you are forever putting yourself out for the wrong people, effacing your needs.

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Yes, there will be many times in a relationship when generosity and a helping hand are healthy, considerate, and essential. Indeed, that kind of concern and responsiveness to our fellow man is part of what is best in the human species and is valued by almost every professional therapist at a personal level.

Charity is a good thing, but surrounding yourself with friends who regularly require your charity is different.

Most relationships should not demand perpetual self-sacrifice, especially at the beginning. Remember that therapists are paid for their services even if this is not the only reason they choose a helping profession.

Even counselors recognize that they cannot assist everyone and have emotional limitations to their capacity to help others.

At night, after the work day is done, the therapist goes home (we hope) to family and friends who do not consistently suck the life out of him. Nor does he allow his patients to do this because, if he does, he will not be able to do good work or do it for very long.

The bottom line is to leave therapy to professionals.

If your social life is social work, you have a problem.

Hurt people, hurt people.

One of the latter could be you.*

*For those who find this essay too harsh, please read the first comment and my response in the “related post” below.

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The top image above is Oakie Family by Dorothea Lange.

The second image is described as Mediterranean Sea (Sept. 14, 2010): “Lt. j.g. Daniel Cooper and search and rescue (SAR) swimmer Seaman Apprentice Ryan Owens take turns rescuing an injured swimmer during SAR training aboard the amphibious transport dock ship USS Ponce (LPD 15)… (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Nathanael Miller/Released).” The picture was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

The final image, Migrant Mother, (also by Dorothea Lange) is of Florence Thompson with some of her children. The Library of Congress caption reads: “Destitute pea pickers in California. Mother of seven children. Age thirty-two. Nipomo, California”

The Wikimedia website states that “in the 1930s, the FSA employed several photographers to document the effects of the Great Depression on the population of America. Many photographs can also be seen as propaganda images to support the U.S. government’s policy of distributing support to the worst-affected, poorer areas of the country…”

March 4, 2025

Beyond Words

Sometimes, beauty or a touching moment surpasses our ability to describe it. Think of a child’s birth, his playful innocence, or just a smile.

Music does this, too. Gustav Mahler, a composer of grand symphonies, said, “If a composer could say what he had to say in words, he would not bother trying to say it in music.”

And yet, occasionally, we find words that bring us very close to the tender or the overwhelming. Here is such a one, a poem beyond words, though made of them.

I hope you enjoy it. Watch and listen or read:

Small Kindnesses

By Danusha Laméris   

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you “when someone sneezes, a leftover
from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying.
And sometimes, when you spill lemons
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress
to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder,
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”


Danusha Laméris — From her website: https://www.danushalameris.com/

Her first book, The Moons of August (2014), was chosen by Naomi Shihab Nye as the winner of the Autumn House Press Poetry Prize and was a finalist for the Milt Kessler Book Award.

Her second book, Bonfire Opera, (University of Pittsburgh Press, Pitt Poetry Series), was a finalist for the 2021 Paterson Poetry Award and recipient of the 2021 Northern California Book Award in Poetry. 

Her third and newest collection, Blade by Blade (2024)  is now available through Copper Canyon Press.

Danusha is currently on the faculty of Pacific University’s low residency MFA program.

February 16, 2025

Is Your Relationship OK?

Lasting relationships have become a “maybe/maybe not” roll of two slippery dice.

MAY 30, 2024 — The U.S. Census Bureau today released estimates showing that married-couple households made up 47% of all households in 2022, down from 71% in 1970.*

Before I discuss how to evaluate your relationship’s stability, let’s examine some reasons for the decline noted above.

  • The sexual revolution of the 1960s removed the shame attached to premarital intercourse, especially for young women. To the extent that sex is an incentive to marry, one needn’t commit to marriage anymore for this kind of togetherness.
  • The change in standards just described captures what Oscar Wilde said in the late 19th century:

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”

  • Divorce is also more frequent than it used to be, making marriage a more obvious gamble. While the annual rate of divorce has declined in recent years, it remains far higher than it was before the ’60s:

Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

orange line chart showing Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

  • Many more women have lives outside the home and in the workplace. Historically, women left their residence only with their mate or a chaperone. Now, both partners have more freedom to meet other attractive people. 
  • The church doesn’t have the hold on individuals and their lives to the extent it once did. Oral contraceptives have reduced the number of “accidents,” which used to cause the parents and clergymen of a young couple to encourage or insist on their marriage.
  • Many women have discovered they can have fulfilling lives without a significant other and prefer to enjoy that freedom. Society’s historical expectations to produce children have diminished, and the birth rate has declined, leaving females less encumbered.
  • The Internet provides endless opportunities to meet new people. Pornography offers a substitute erotic charge.
  • Our disposable world encourages us to get rid of objects and obtain new ones. This objectification extends to lovers. Those who depart often miss the learned experience of repairing relationships, an essential skill for a relationship to endure.
  • We live in a world that changes at an accelerating pace, demanding more of us and requiring adaptation that is not our choice. If persuaded to “Be all you can be,” there is less encouragement to attend to the needs of others, including a partner and children. The Me generation is not the We generation.
  • Women are less inclined to put their interests second or submit to men. The once-accepted dominance of men has been put in its place to some degree, but there is significant resistance. The cliche of “moving on” often wins over those who would otherwise view the one they love as worth fighting for or adapting to.
  • Many believe the partner should complete him or her, producing a whole and blissful existence. If we are to feel complete and happy, that circumstance is more the work of each of us than anyone else.

Solutions? Whether you wish marriage or a less formal relationship, here’s one piece of advice. Do not assume that your significant other can read your mind. He or she cannot, even if he is a therapist. Speak up!

From time to time, it is wise to do a relationship check-up. In effect, you might call it an effort to determine the State of the Union. 

Cover at least the following areas:

  • Understanding. Does the partner see you as you wish to be seen?
  • Non-sexual displays of affection.
  • Sex.
  • Do you enjoy your time together, and is there enough?
  • Do you want more time apart?
  • Do you want your partner to take initiative in any area, from sex to planning events?
  • Would you like to engage in more activities, such as concerts, plays, spectator sports, workouts, seeing your family, dining out with others, taking courses together, watching movies, reading to each other or sharing the same book, etc.?
  • Showing appreciation and kindness.
  • Are chores and responsibilities fairly distributed at home and with children?
  • Money.
  • Conflict and Apology.
  • Future Plans.

One could go on. Love continues for those who pursue it. It remains the thing that poets praise, and, for a great many, make the complications of a life together worth all the trouble.

Sigmund Freud reminded us that love and work are essential to our humanity. But perhaps he should have added that work on love is required to sustain love.

Why bother?

Because nothing else takes us over the moon.

===========

*The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR) at Bowling Green State University notes.

**Sources: NCFMR analyses of data from the National Vital Statistics, CDC/NCHS, 1900-2000; U.S. Census Bureau 2000 Decennial Census; U.S. Census Bureau (IPUMS), American Community Survey, 2010 and 2018 (IPUMS). Note: Data for Alaska begin in 1959. Data for Hawaii began in 1960.

The Maiden is the work of Gustav Klimt, 2013. The second painting is Paul Klee’s Architecture of the Plain, 1923. Both of these are sourced from Wikiart.org.

January 12, 2025

What Is Possible After Rejection?

In discussing his 1993 movie The Age of Innocence, famous filmmaker Martin Scorsese said it depicted people not unlike ourselves: “We have the same problems of wanting things that we can’t have and having things that we don’t want.”

Among the acknowledgments we want is recognition for our best efforts, not professional rejection. That’s where Jimmy Carter’s life comes in—the deceased 39th President of the United States.

In the 1980 presidential election, approximately 50 million voters told Carter to get out—four years was enough. He won only 41% of the vote.

It is a painful thing to realize your mate wants no part of you, but the scale of humiliation Carter endured was off the charts. He was left with a monster-sized campaign debt, to boot.

Carter described the emotion of it all some years later at a meeting of prominent U.S. CEOs. The audience included Bernie Marcus, the co-founder of Home Depot. Marcus had just told of his own awful experience of being dismissed from a job.

Bernie, that is how I felt, except, I wasn’t fired by a board manipulated by an activist, I was fired by the American people—in the spotlight and left with no purpose and my dream shattered and no financier to back me. But I am dedicated to waging peace.

Scorcese’s movie, based on Edith Wharton’s novel of the same name, depicts late 19th-century New York high society. Despite status and wealth, they were a gossiping, competitive, and unhappy group. Carter had reason to be crushed by his loss, but he didn’t submit to the pettiness Wharton depicted.

Lavish dinners, foreign trips, and bespoke clothing—all they possessed—did not put them at ease, allow them to be themselves, or generate any sense of gratitude.

Jimmy Carter lived differently past the pomp and circumstance of his time as Chief Executive.

—

Humankind, never satisfied it owns enough of everything, including time, now puts time on bullet-speed roller skates. The 21st-century life unknown to Wharton left horses, buggies, and messengers behind. Taking their place are jet travel, computerized phones in everyone’s pocket, and an urgency to display personal uniqueness.

In our smaller world, the ambition to become famous grows larger.

Few would complain if the top of the mountain of renown made us happier. Scorsese, however, said we remain unsatisfied. Given the level of daily animus and finger-pointing, including some who seek revenge—it is hard to disagree with him.

Yet James Earl Carter, Jr. left a different model of living.

Active almost until his death at 100, his achievements in his long life stagger the imagination. Unlike most past presidents, he chose not to retire. The former commander-in-chief promoted world peace, resolved diplomatic stalemates, and worked to build homes for the homeless. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1992. His marriage of 77 years remains a model of why love matters. His work demonstrated the gift of offering love to one’s neighbors.

Neither wanting to return to the White House nor “getting and spending” propelled Carter’s good works. This former Navy Lieutenant taught Sunday School until his health began to fail. His religious faith motivated the desire to serve.

In this undated photo, Jimmy Carter gets his bars pinned on by his wife, Rosalynn, left, and his mother, Mrs. Lillian Carter, at the U.S. Naval Academy. (AP Photo)

An ancient Greek adage reminds us, “A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”

President James Earl Carter, Jr. spent his life growing those trees.

Americorps offers a tribute here.