The unexpected things a patient says in therapy change the counselor’s understanding of why his client chose partner A instead of B.
We usually think desire is fueled by physical attraction, the wish to be cared for, a sense of humor, strength of character, and emotional or financial security. Having children, too. There are more motives, but I will add three you might not have considered.
1. Feeling Sorry for the Other:
Several women said they married because they felt sorry for the potential mate. The sorrow might have been due to illness on one side or emotional torment on another. The second wife of George Orwell gave in to her ambivalence about the author of 1984 because of his desperate sickness, for example.
Some of the ladies in question perceived their future husband as socially clumsy and gave in to his proposal because of his childlike nature — his lack of finesse and awareness of quite what to say or do. He seemed earnest but not suave, or perhaps unsophisticated and innocent.
According to Mari Ruti, the late feminist philosopher, society conveys the message that a woman’s job is to adapt to and repair a man. She is expected to be empathic, work around his flaws, and fill the relationship’s empty or broken spaces.
This “cruel optimism” too often leaves a wife taking the blame for what her husband lacks or what remains difficult to tolerate and manage as a couple. Ruti suggests the result will not only be the woman’s self-blame and sense of failure but a waste of years when her assessment of what is possible is too hopeful. The emotional drain on her robs life of its possibilities.
2. Persistence:
Some men will not let go. They are tireless. Female patients often told me they were not attracted to their future spouses when they first met. With time, his display of kindness, generosity, intellect, sensitivity to her vulnerability, and decency convinced them of what had been missed on first acquaintance.
A less desirable outcome also exists. The excellent, hidden characteristics noted above do not always appear. Instead, the fellow wears down the woman’s ability to resist because of insensitivity, bullying, or controlling qualities. She might also persuade herself that time will remedy the difficulties.
If she is tired of dating, hears her biological clock ticking off its remaining seconds, and can think of no other desirable man she has recently encountered, the white flag of surrender might be raised.
3. Searching for the Opposite:
Many single individuals create a list of qualities they seek in a relationship. It sometimes happens, however, that the most essential quality determining their choice is the unhappiness they experienced in a past relationship. In addition to avoidance of a similar person, the searcher may hope to stay away from anyone with traits identical to a parent.
Imagine a former abusive lover. Of course, one wishes to avoid one more. But will the choice of someone different yield an individual who is weak, too deferential, without the capacity to assert himself, or the expectation that his partner will provide most of the strength of character for them to take on the world?
Looking for the opposite isn’t limited to unkindness of a physical or verbal kind. If your father could not financially support his family, seeking someone preoccupied with making money but otherwise emotionally unavailable generates a different type of problem.
Imagine a former partner who had no religious faith and ridiculed your own. If this issue dominates your exploration for someone else, your new romantic interest could be more extreme in his attachment to his faith than you are.
I also heard more than a few who told me their dad was lazy. The result was marriage to a person who ate work for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. After that, the one who sought someone different than the father was consumed by loneliness.
Since no one has complete self-awareness, choosing a lover is complicated. Finding a well-matched partner when the unconscious casts a secret ballot makes the task even more difficult. Then, of course, there are hormones to consider and passion that sweeps away all doubts about the choice.
None of the above is intended to discourage you from enchantment, fulfillment of desire, or the comfort of one who understands you and whose thoughtfulness and loyalty are priceless. Instead, consider this essay a reminder of the need to look inside yourself and observe caution to the extent possible.
As the Knight Templar in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said, “Choose wisely.”
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The above images are all the work of Giuseppe Arcimboldo and are sourced from Wikiart.org/ They represent three of the four seasons: Spring, Summer, and Winter.
Dr. Stein, as you’ve noted in your insightful article, “choosing a lover is complicated.” I was unaware at the time of my vulnerability. What’s done cannot be undone. I grew with the lessons learned, held on to what was good (our sons) in the failed relationship, and moved forward. Blessed are those couples who chose wisely and have enjoyed decades of years together <3
Blessed, indeed, Rosaliene. Given the divorce statistics and those who avoid permanent relationships, the casualty rate of those who do marry is high. I’m glad you received the gift of children and learned whatever the lessons of your marriage offered. That you have become who you are, tells me life has taught you a great deal. Learning from lived experience is rarely easy, as you know. Those of us who follow your writing are the beneficiaries of your wisdom. Thank you, Rosaliene.
<3
Too young and way too little life experience to have a realistic idea of what a stupid decision it was to marry a man whose relentless jealousy I mistook for great love for me, plus my extreme fear of ending up alone and my certainty that if I did not say “yes”, I probably would never find anyone else, put me in a long term miserable marriage, with nobody to blame but myself. I don’t know how rarely mentioned these are but I managed to make three terrible mistakes in one fell swoop.
That you were young, Brewdun, necessarily means that you would make mistakes, as all of us do, especially then. I am sorry that the marriage was a troubled one, but I do hope you forgive yourself for the decision. You have much company in the bad marriage department, including people who one might have thought to be older and wiser. Be well, Brewdun.
This was fascinating Dr. Stein, although I admit to being a bit fearful as to where I would fall!!
I find myself 75% of a #1- right about the part where you begin to speak of Mari Rut and her views on adapting to and repairing the man in question. The “cruel optimism” paragraph has my name written all over it. Even given that I am a statistic of sorts I am also glad to know that I wasn’t alone in my original intended motives 🙂 I also think I will do a bit more research into the interesting Mari Ruti. Thank you!
Thank you, Deb. You seemed to have learned something about yourself — something important. Mari Ruti is brilliant. I can recommend “Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings: The Emotional Costs of Everyday Life.” She wrote many others, as well, though I have only read the one above. Her early death (59) is a great loss. Here is her obituary: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/07/28/books/mari-ruti-dead.html
Thank you so much Dr. Stein. I just placed “Penis Envy…” on my reading list. Reading the blurp on Amazon was like immersing myself back into sociological study with her focus on gender and patriarchy (my area specifically) but also her current views on false narratives within society today. I will admit seeing the words “neoliberal heteropatriarchy” and “society’s sugarcoated mythologies of self-fulfillment…” made me smile with unbridled joy.
Such a recent loss and like so many other intelligent, and needed voices in our world, taken much too soon. Again, I am so pleased to have been introduced to her work through your post.
Oh yes…your first point…all wrapped up in the messiness of “needing to be needed” and confusing one’s life purpose with saving/repairing another. Such a post…and concluding with “choose wisely”. Yep, yep, yep! Thanks, Dr. Stein. 😊
Yes, marriages are a thing we need and a thing of immense complexity. As Brewdun notes, the choice often comes when our life experience is limited and our hormones, hopes, and fears are driving the train. As a counselor you’ve seen the good and bad of it, Vicki. Thanks!
Thank you…for another wonderful post! 🥰
Thank you, Vicki. Marriage partners is an inexhaustible topic. I’m glad you found it of interest. Your own blogging about you and your husband suggests that the Knight Templar would approve!
What a fun thought! Yes…maybe so! So far, so good, anyhow! 🥰🥰🥰
I didn’t make good choices for myself with husband #1 or 2, but I learned a lot through the process.
We choose based on where we are at that point in our life, and even if anyone had the best advice for us at that time, we would have filtered it out, because it wasn’t our truth at that time. My mother said to me “You’ve made your bed, now you lie in it” which seemed harsh and unsympathetic, but ultimately we all have to face our choices.
Even if it turns out to be a terrible choice, it can still become one of our greatest learning opportunities.
It certainly can become a learning opportunity, Tamara. And, it is, as you say, hard to be persuaded. I know what you mean by “our truth,” I think, but in a world where the dictionary definition of truth is challenged at every moment, that phrase is always troublesome to me. No, disrespect intended. I know you to be a fine and intelligent lady. Thanks for tolerating what I just wrote ( I hope you will!), but the world is in such a difficult place about what to believe and what not to, it doesn’t take much for me to call attention to it. Thanks for your comment, as always.
Ahh, I love this essay. The truths we rarely (or never) talk about. What I think when I read this is that self-awareness is as critical for selecting a mate as anything else. Funny how societal expectations and tolerances figure in as well. So fascinating!
Thank you, Wynne. Yes, self-awareness is the thing most of us think we have, but only as a rather biased jury on the subject. If we are to learn, the rearview mirror does lots of the work!
And what about the men? Did you not encounter many regretful male patients of their choice mate? Or do you focus more on women because traditionally men ask women to marry them? Or are women more likely to stay in unfulfilling marriages?
Good questions, Evelyn. Thank you. I never encountered a man who married because he felt sorry for his future wife. I did hear of persistent women from the men they persued. And selecting someone because you believed the potential mate would be the opposite of other significant people in your life seemed to be an equal opportunity motivator.
Regret also was apparent among male and female patients. As to the last question, my experience was that women were a bit more likely to end marriages, though I can’t vouch for having a representative sample.