Parents often say they raised all their children the same way. This assumes the impossible. Since robots do not give birth, the couple changes with time. Moreover, successive little ones land on a transforming planet, often in a retrofitted country — their corner of a changing world.
The presence of a second or third child always impacts those who came before and vice versa. The wife and husband who meet the newest addition have already been reshaped by experience. The sight of a later cellophane-wrapped infant doesn’t usually produce the over-the-moon moment of the emergence of #1.
Catching lightning in a baby bottle happens but once for most marital pairs. Sorry to say, routine invades even Mother Nature’s magic.
Parents experiment when past child-rearing strategies fail, perhaps because their newly baked schemes must be done on the fly, when half-baked plans are created. Some realize the necessity of kindness and affection, while life drains others of their capacity for love and the energy for loving.
When the children are of different genders, a further complication occurs. The varieties of physical attractiveness, temperament, and intellect also stir the melting pot.
It is helpful if mom and dad recognize their little ones don’t all come from an assembly line in a widget factory. The adults’ task is to adapt to each new face and pint-sized brain, not to demand the child adjust to the adults.
The best of folks try to become the new and improved version of the guardian and guide each one needs. For Dancer E, the parents must twirl to the right, for Wordle Champion K to the left while jumping up to meet Studious G and stretching to reach Muscle Man S.
Fairness to Kiddie #2 feels like unfairness when defined by #3. In the end, the children often sense Mom or Dad playing favorites, though the basis for this can be natural affinity to a particular offspring, not something intentional. Yet, singling out individuals can happen, for worse or better, leaving an unseeing, well-treated witness in denial over the abuse the other reports.
As kids age, the weight of real or imagined unfairness accumulates. Periods of competition and dislike test the family’s adaptive ability and the wisdom of the adults. Friendship among the sibs isn’t guaranteed. Financial preference for one generates lifetime grudges.
Illness and health, accidents, and triumphs impact the group, sometimes in unpredictable ways. It should be no surprise that one teen sometimes perceives a different family from the rest. An insightful child in a troubled home tends to become an alienated outsider if she considers the time in their shelter unsheltered.
Even a person who remains close to longtime friends tends to find no one but sisters and brothers who recollect so much of her early experience. Moreover, the memory of those who brought them all into the world is unique because they lived under the same roof 24/7.
This is still true when living together doesn’t create togetherness. In such instances, something precious is lost.
Shared memories frequently provide the motivation to allow differences to be set aside in those relationships that have turned bitter. This is most true as former members of the same household move into and past middle age, all the more if their begetters are gone.
Often, at least one grown sib must apologize to make friendship possible, while the other accepts it with sincerity and gratitude. Making amends can come into play, as well. They both realize grudges should have an expiration date.
The wise among them recognize time is short, and they are bound together by their shared origin. No others carry within themselves the same set of memories, the jokes and idiosyncracies, the aroma of certain meals, the sound of departed voices, the games they played, and the winding way to school.
If they are lucky, get-togethers permit a unique source of happiness long set aside. As Rabbi Nachman of Breslau wrote, “Nothing is as liberating as joy. It frees the mind and fills it with tranquility.”*
If your sibs live, there is still time to create or recreate delight in the tie to brothers and sisters.
How do I know?
I am proud to be Eddie and Jack Stein’s brother; the Stein Boys have done it together.
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*Thanks to Micaela Bonetti for drawing my attention to Rabbi Nachman of Breslau’s quotation.
The first image is Irene and Her Sister,1925, by Tamara de Lempicka. It is followed by Picasso’s Two Brothers from 1906. Both of these were sourced from Wikiart.org/ Finally, Brother and Sister, an 1898 sculpture by Julien Dillens sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
It’s a work in progress…
For many it is just as you say, Tamara. My brothers and I have been lucky in this — and it did take work. Good luck in your own work and everything that resides so close to the heart.
Thank you Dr. Stein! I appreciate your supportive words!
Oh, dear doctor Stein, three, YES THREE, this is more than Jung’ sincronicity, this is God’s hand moving your fingers on your tablet!
Didn’t know you knew me so profoundly and dearly and since such a long lifetime!
What can I add?
I praise God for having graced me with such a sensitive generous new Friend!
Grazie, caro dottore, con ammirazione e stima,
Micaela
You are more than kind, Micaela. If a Creator’s hand has touched anything near me, then I am blessed. Regardless, I know contact with you has been a blessing. Be well.
“The Stein boys have done it together”. Thank you for sharing. 💕
Thanks, Vicki. It is never an easy thing, but among all the relationships of a lifetime, few matter so much.
And you expressed that so beautifully….thank you again! 😉 Milton Stein would be proud, I suspect…of each of you.
Ours was a turbulent household and my sister and I didn’t come out unscathed (does anybody?) But, all these decades later, we are closer than sisters: we are soul friends. We now share the care of our aging Mom (who trusts us like a child would) and we have slowly reviewed every hurt, every painful memory and found something new and beautiful on the other side. I am so grateful that we got the time to do all that. Thank you for this post, Dr. Stein… I savoured every word. I particularly loved: “No others carry within themselves the same set of memories, the jokes and idiosyncracies, the aroma of certain meals, the sound of departed voices, the games they played, and the winding way to school.”
I’m so glad you treasure the bond with your own brothers…🙏
Thank you very much, Patti; your last line in particular. Remarkable that you have reviewed every painful issue with your sister. For myself, those issues that don’t carry the same intensity as the biggest ones have been best to set aside. Clearly, as your experience indicates, there are many ways to repair relationships. Yours with your sister is most heartening in its tenacious accomplishment of love.
💕💕💕
A very difficult subject for me, Dr. Stein. How wonderful that you and your brothers got on well together! Where does one begin to repair broken sibling relationships after years of absence? I continue my work of letting go of the anger and resentment.
That certainly would usually be the place to start, Rosaliene. But even before that, the idea has to have some appeal. There are certainly people one would not wish to approach. There is no requirement to take this on. Until there is some appeal, assuming that is eventually to happen, time might need to pass.
Thanks, Dr. Stein <3
Oh, this is so good, Dr. Stein. “The wise among them recognize time is short, and they are bound together by their shared origin. No others carry within themselves the same set of memories, the jokes and idiosyncracies, the aroma of certain meals, the sound of departed voices, the games they played, and the winding way to school.”
I have a great relationship with my brother and no relationship with my sister. She insists that I give up the relationship with our brother as a prerequisite and it’s a condition that I won’t meet. Your post is a good reminder to think about the problem anew. Thank you!
Thank you, Wynne. Things change — sometimes. Until the our human game is over, you never know. Even with two outs in the 9th inning, the outcome isn’t always certain. I wish you luck in all things and in the sometimes scrambled world of sibling relationships.