Therapy is about our future and the stories of our past. We all have made mistakes, but don’t talk about each one. Our shames are put in a closet. The inside, non-public story is unique to who we are.
Everyone else’s understanding of our existence is incomplete. It lacks the private awareness of what we consider most genuine about how we came to the present moment.
Accurate or not, the concealed individual we call “me” is who we find in the mirror. He is the person who must change.
The imperfect self-observations none of us can escape are the difference between your opinion of me (knowing less than everything and nothing directly inside of me) and my opinion of myself (having forgotten or blocked some of what you remember about me and can see in a way I cannot).
If you are astute, you might detect my blindspots. By definition, I am unaware of them.
We each possess a meaningful personal narrative, even if unwritten, unseen, untold, and unconscious. Our yarn sums up the events, actions, and inactions attached to our names, enlarged or reduced, decorated, and fashioned into a historical thread of our lives.
Some of our self-characterizations and conclusions are in error. That’s why Socrates directed us to “know thyself.”
We live with and live out the meanings embedded in our autobiography. They account for the inevitable repetition of old, unchanging interpretations that have governed us for decades.
Any misunderstanding of ourselves leads to potholes, sometimes unseen and rarely escaped. A portion of the human race walks around them while another falls into them and crawls out. The most unfortunate, having fallen down many times, decide the climb up is too much trouble, believing they are safer in a trench than out of it.
A new saga must be written to avoid the jarring ruts and unfortunate repetitions we suffer to produce a more fulfilling and joyous time on the planet. If well done, the new vision of ourselves can offer pathways to the fulfillment we failed to pursue while in the grip of our longstanding understanding of who we are.
Without a fresh set of directions, we journey to dead-end destinations, the equivalent of serial bad vacations. With a redrawn picture of our behavioral highway, we open our lives to new possibilities and the reformation of our inner and outer selves.
Think of how a single individual might invent, modify, and reinvent himself, perhaps by altering his condemnation of himself or others and his education, occupations, assertiveness, friendships, fears, and matters of faith.
Our beginnings permit several ways of leading a life; most try a few that emerge within our youthful circumstances. The typical human course is to conclude that one of these works sufficiently to justify following it unaltered.
Too often, they fail to read the “use by” date that comes with any attempt to solve human problems. A permanent solution, so they thought, had been found.
Some of those beliefs were derived from parental opinions and or demands on us and statements about us, right or wrong. Teachers and fellow students contributed, as did bosses and lovers throughout our lives.
Without therapy, creating a vision of our existence and who we are is a do-it-yourself project. No rules exist to restrict or enlarge our behavioral choices except dedication to change. We can make and remake our character, principles, politics, and more. The next chapter of the story awaits this creation.
The world moves, and we need to reconsider and reevaluate all that is changeable inside us to keep up.
Start with what kind of person you wish to become, then ask what prevents metamorphosis, like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis.
There are many versions of unfortunate personal stories. Some people inflate them to boost their ego, impress their friends, or both. They fake it to make it. For others, grudging injury can create a personal mythology and justify a decision to hide from the world.
Regardless of the truth of these opinions, one must proceed beyond them lest we spend all of life enraged or broken over losses and grievances.
No small number attribute life’s disappointments to themselves. Some of our fellows resist the idea that they might have misunderstood or misinterpreted the meaning of their particular life path and how they managed it. Recognizing you might have missed half your years discourages many from taking a backward look.
On the other hand, such an idea enlightens those who can summon courage and openness. They never considered that the design of their life (and the labels they applied to it) contributed to their current unhappiness. Recognizing a pattern of poor choices offers both sadness and the sunrise of a better future.
The souls who do this imagine a better time ahead, no matter their inability to relive their youth. Creating a new and more fulfilling path presents a hopeful opportunity.
As Emily Dickinson wrote:
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –That perches in the soul –And sings the tune without the words –And never stops – at all –And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –And sore must be the storm –That could abash the little BirdThat kept so many warm –I’ve heard it in the chillest land –And on the strangest Sea –Yet – never – in Extremity,It asked a crumb – of me.
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The three photos are the work of the superb photographic artist Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.
The first is a Vintage Truck on the Backroads of IL, 2022.
Next comes Approaching White Shoal Lighthouse Near Mackinac, Michigan, 2023. Finally, Mass Ascension at the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta, October 2023.
In other words, it’s never too late until it’s too late. Thanks again for sharing your wonderful wisdom.
You’ve captured an important aspect of what I wrote, Evelyn. Wisdom comes with, watching, listening, living, and reflecting — but mostly I’ve learned to laugh and love. Thank you for your comment.
Have loved thay Dickinson poem for decades. Here’s another that fits the theme of your piece, at least from my perspective it applies:
“The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what has passed away
Or what is yet to be.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
Leonard Cohen
Yes, it does fit. Good to hear from you.Thank you for adding Leonard Cohen to the mix, Brewdun.
Ah this: “We live with and live out the meanings embedded in our autobiography.” And for those who prefer to remain in a trench, finding comfort and familiarity in the discomfort, my heart aches. Thank you for the bright spots and beautiful accompanying photographs from Laura Hedien. ❤
Sorry for the heart ache, Vicki. the essay couldn’t escape touching on both the darkness and the path toward the light. I wish life were otherwise.
No apology necessary. When you share as beautifully as you did in this post, I see people in my life who are challenged just as you describe. Poignant and true. Thank you.
Quite a bit hits home for me in this post Dr. Stein. My own changes and choices, as well as the choices and/or inability of others to see possibility when we become unstuck, finding a way to move forward. There is a rippling impact to everyone around us no matter what direction we follow. Personally it is easy to see and embrace the positive ripples as they flow out yet I am saddened and caught to some degree with the whirlpool that holds others in place, wondering and wanting more for them but knowing it is not my choice.
The sadness in you is apparent in what you wrote, Deb. I am sympathetic. To some degree and at different times, most all of us go through this. We wish we could change others and that has been difficult as long as man has been on earth.
I would add that we live in a particularly difficult moment and one in which many wish to look away or hold a good thought when what is required is acting, even in a small way, upon thoughts that may not change everyone, but will serve the common good. As to whirlpools, sometimes all we can do is learn to swim. You have all my good wishes.
You are very correct Dr. Stein, and changing what one as an individual is able to do is often the best. There is that lovely Gandhi quote about “…being the change you wish to see…”
I’ve heard the quote, but didn’t know it was Gandhi. Thank you for the enlightenment, Deb!
I am reminded of F Scott Fitzgerald, “It’s never too late to become who you want to be. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.” Thank you, Dr Stein, for your words of encouragement and hope.
Thank you for your very kind words, ren. To give our best is in our hands.
Thank you for this insightful post, Dr. Stein. I do myself no justice in lying to myself. The errors of the past cannot be undone, but the future is still unwritten, as you note. However painful, I’ve found that introspection about negative observations from others has lead to self-revelations that have made “reformation of [my] inner and outer selves” possible. The journey to know myself is not yet ended.
That you are working on knowing yourself would make Socrates proud, Rosaliene. He was always saying he knew nothing. Every day we have a chance to learn something new. I always want to be in your team!
Glad to know that we’re on the same team 🙂
Ah, the whirlpool that keeps us stuck – I know it well. Thank you for writing so poignantly about the self-made traps we fall into. I love, “No rules exist to restrict or enlarge our behavioral choices except dedication to change. ” You’ve given us such a useful mirror to use in the post. Thank you!
When we were kids, who thought there was so much to ponder in the wicked queen of Sleeping Beauty and her magic mirror? Thanks, Wynne.
“With a redrawn picture of our behavioral highway, we open our lives to new possibilities and the reformation of our inner and outer selves. Think of how a single individual might invent, modify, and reinvent himself, perhaps by altering his condemnation of himself or others and his education, occupations, assertiveness, friendships, fears, and matters of faith.”
This speaks to me deeply, having walked that path. Unfortunately I didn’t have the benefit of a therapist to help me navigate, but trusted the universe to help me, which I feel it did tremendously, for I was able to find my way through.
My gratitude is deep, and motivates me to share the journey, so that others on a similar path, in similar circumstances might find strength to follow.
You do fulfill your mission, Tamara. The world is better for it. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Stein, your words fill me with warmth! If we all do something, there will be improvements! Wishing you Happy Holidays!
Yes, we must do our part. And lovely holidays to you, too.