In the Western World, many display a kind of radical positivity. They lean into thoughts of beauty, opportunity, health, friendship, and family. Prone to smiling and laughter, they carry a mindset in which all problems offer a solution. Optimism rules the day and evening, too.
Life is not always easy, but I can only applaud those who travel this path while offering two additional ways to joy less often thought of. Let me move beyond the first road mentioned to the second, possibly overlapping the previous one.
Way #2 includes the gift of living in the moment as much as possible. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the late University of Chicago psychology professor, described the occurrence as a “flow state.”
According to Csikszentmihalyi, in moments of flow, “people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience is so enjoyable that people continue to do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.”
Flow persists undistracted, mindful only of that in which one is engaged. Time passes unnoticed, a perfect, unselfconscious episode. There is no thought of before or after. The individual is present and focused beyond the self. Others might walk by him and or say hello without his awareness.
This is not the day-to-day happiness mentioned in the first paragraph. Most of us would be pleased if we could achieve that much — a beautiful day with a companion in sync with us, laughing while viewing the future with optimism.
Way #3 is different.
Rather than being fully in the moment, this avenue to joy includes realizing the temporary nature of most everything, including you and the person you are with. Implicit is the recognition of life’s shortness. Because you and the other are mortal, the idea of losing possession of the experience of touch, tenderness, excitement, or companionship is not far away.
Tears sometimes appear, as do expressions of affection and the thought this might be the last time you and the other are together. The engagement is captured in the word bittersweet. The intensity of such an event is more complex than the first two paths to gladness but brings urgency and poignance — a different form of joy.
The depth of emotion produced on the third road allows one to behave with the knowledge of life’s impermanence. Saying “I love you” takes on more importance. Expressions of sentiment and telling the other what they mean to you hold the same necessity.
Informing loved ones and friends why they are precious fits Way #3. Some believe any word or action suggesting life’s brevity risks bringing unnecessary darkness. Still, countless individuals regret unsaid tenderness and gratitude, just as they carry unhappiness over caustic and rageful last words.
You could argue Way #3 is not conventional joy, and I might agree. But it comprises little different from tears upon your child’s birth, the pride in her successful performance on stage, or the happiness of a reunion after wartime.
I am not here to tell you which type of joy you should prefer. No one requires you to choose. We do well to be grateful for bliss in whatever form. Yet, we have the most control over the last of the three because it involves a specific action.
I offer you a recommendation. Consider expressing your love to all those you care for before the New Year’s Day ends. Say this in the hope you embrace them many times in the years ahead while recognizing immortality is the one gift a fellow mortal cannot bestow.
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Both photos come from Wikimedia Commons. The first is called The Joy of Playing Together by Rasheedhrasheed. The second is Happy Men by BornThisWayMedia.
I love your recommendation, Dr. Stein. Expressing love, wholeheartedly. Yes, yes! ❤️
Thanks, Vicki. Some of my patients never heard “I love you,” often because others assumed they knew it. Better to say it 1000 times than not even once.
With you all the way! Happy New Year, Dr. Stein. 🥰
And to you, Vicki!
I love that you offer multiple paths. And this sums up so much “We do well to be grateful for bliss in whatever form. ” Wonderful essay, as always. Let me say how much I enjoy our relationship whether in writing or by Zoom! Sending you my best wishes for 2024!
Thank you, Wynne. I absolutely agree. It has been a pleasure and I am most grateful.
Love your advice. Fits for the new year and really any time. Thank you 🙏🏼 😎😎😎
Much appreciated, Brian. Best wishes to you and yours for the New Year!
“Brings urgency and poignance – a different kind of joy”
You make me cry, caro dottor Stein…
Was waiting fir your Dec. 31st or Jan. 1st billet and hete it appears on my screen, and hete joy and gratitude pour into my heart.
Grazie di cuore, dottor Stein, e a Lei, ai Suoi più cari, ai Suoi lettori vadano I miei auguri di Felice Anno Nuovo!
Will just add that, as a musician, I’m all time connected on 2nd type of joy presence to myself.
Even if I often ask God to push the off- button, because Music inhabited me all time even when I would like to rest.
But this is the price to pay if being graced with Music’s talent.
About 3rd type of joy: it’s my everyday’s welcomed duty, since a long long time.
Remember sliding into my old mother’s bed (and I was myself m9re than fifty) repeating to her with innumerable kisses: Mamma, ti voglio bene!” And her innumerably saying: “Basta, sciocchina, lasciami tranquilla!”
Can I add something?
My last moment of profound God’s grace happened yesterday at Santuario Della Madonna Del Sangue, in Re (Vb, Italia).
Check the miraculous story on the net!
Padre Giancarlo the padre oblato responsible of the sanctuary, a true Dostoievskian starets, gave me the benediction after my confession of a terrible lie, made out from Love.
(And Padre Giancarlo already guessed the lie, even before I told it to him.)
Sorry for my typo-errors when digiting on my smartphone!
I am glad you understood, Micaela, and thanks for your good wishes. Your mother’s comments were amusing, but clearly she knew you loved her. Do you I have a link to the story? Your Padres must be a wise man. I wish you all the very best in the New Year. You are a loving soul.
Ho ho hoooo, again a message of me disappearing into I don’t know which void!
Buongiorno, caro dottor Stein,
On the shores of Lake Maggiore it’s January 1st and 8 am just sounded; don’t know in Chicago!
Being not good at the task you asked me (a link to Madonna del Sangue’s miracle), can only tell you to digit: MADONNA DEL SANGUE, and the sanctuary’s site will appear on your screen.
Not that modern up-to-date site, I’m afraid, like Padre Giancarlo himself!
And nothing in English.
Well, one day, but on my computer which I hardly bring up to my hut, I will write the miracle story for you and your readers.
Abbiate pazienza!
(Have three more concerts to come before Epiphany in oldies-homes, and must practice, hahaha!)
Cari saluti,
Micaela
My goodness — a fresco that bled! Good luck with your concerts, Micaela. I am sure you will move the hearts of those who attend.
Such invaluable insights, Dr. Stein! I was never one for the pursuit of happiness philosophy. As someone more prone to anticipating the future as a means of defense/preparation, I’ve been working on “Way #2 [that] includes the gift of living in the moment as much as possible.” As I continue to lose dear friends of my generation, reminding me of life’s impermanence, Way #3 has taken on great significance. Very bittersweet, indeed <3
Losses (and I have had a few this year), are as troubling as you say, Rosaliene. Any way of living confronts this, inevitably. You have given meaning to your time, I know, and this makes it of value. And of more than usual value, from my perspective. Have a Happy New Year, my friend.
Thanks very much! Wishing you the same, my friend <3
Thank you for this, Dr. Stein. I too prefer your Way #3. Although bittersweet, to me it’s more real (or, say, realistic).
You are welcome, Mary Ann. The rewards of the world come with the price described in #3. For some of us, I think we have little choice. Thus, in choosing attachment and love we quietly agree. Thank you