Can a young person understand his future as described to him by someone older?
Two problems make the answer complicated.
The first has to do with what the elder is willing to say. The second is the difficulty of the younger imagining himself as someone who is recognizably older — say middle-aged.
These questions rest on further “unknowns.”
To what extent should one in a parental role speak about such things to the junior? Will it scare him? Will it make him wiser? Will the information be unbelievable? Will it change him?
Or, must the youth live and learn from experience, including what now appears distant, imaginary, or foolish, rather like life on another planet?
Let’s take a few examples:
According to the late Norm McDonald:
“The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful, it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth.“*
Mortality is impossible to grasp as an unlived reality except as an abstraction. One could discuss this endlessly, but consider this:
Some unripe men go off to war with great joy and enthusiasm because they believe it (severe injury or death) will not happen to them. Their sense of invulnerability is consistent with a tendency to take risks.
This relates to other qualities in human nature. We judge people for their mistakes, often believing we would not have made them, even though we’ve never been in the same situation. Fear of the future and its unexpected costs are thereby minimized.
These tendencies, among others, display how humanity protects itself from troublesome knowledge. People believe, perhaps unconsciously, that while they are like you, they are not subject to the same flaws and consequences.
We lack even Achilles’s famous heal — so we believe for most of our lives.
Since the fullness of prospective existence cannot be envisioned, our decisions and anticipations of the time ahead are imperfect. As Daniel Gilbert and colleagues have discovered, we are poor forecasters concerning our emotional reactions to events that haven’t yet happened.
Many people who believe they have been forever shattered by loss, in fact, recover from devastation, disappointment, and heartbreak if given enough time. They also anticipate enjoying experiences and foods they eat with relish today, not thinking of coming changes in how their brain and body are constituted, which may alter their response to each one.
A trivial example: I preferred vanilla ice cream as a boy.
At some point, never having liked strawberry ice cream, I became a lover of the latter flavor. I changed without intention. It just happened — a physical transformation driven by a modification of my nature over which I exerted no control.
This also applies to some variations in personality, interests, and adapting to the transforming world. It can be a matter outside the realm of willpower, choice, or training, instead a consequence of mutating in subtle and unsubtle ways. Yes, we grieve losses with intention, but time, too, contributes to the healing of many wounds.
What other changes might you encounter with age? At funerals of departed friends and loved ones, more than a few men bite their fingernails, something they have not done in decades.
After retirement, you will be amazed at your productivity in your working days. Sleep will be challenging, and aches and pains will follow you around.
You might rely on stimulants, like coffee or caffeinated tea, to keep you alert. You may be more at ease with yourself. Friends increase in their importance to you, and a refrain exists among those who have set their egos aside.
“Right now in my life, I just want to be kind.”
The wisdom of age?
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The top painting is Wisdom Defending Youth Against Love by Charles Meynier. It is followed by a Professor Scolding a Student by Videoplasty. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
* Thanks also to Wynne Leon, whose Photos of the Week for January 6, 2024, included the Norm McDonald quote.
I find it challenging to not attempt to ‘educate’ those who are younger, passing on my wisdom 🙂 My kids get to enjoy that wisdom quite often but I do try to temper how much is doled out at any one time. In my last job I worked with many who were much younger than me. I managed pretty well to keep myself in check but sometimes it was really difficult.
Yes, Deb, difficult. Daniel Kahneman, the Novel Prize winning psychologist, has said that he doesn’t believe human nature can be changed. Yet some people are changeable. The best question I ever learned to ask was, “What does (doing that) cost you?” But the old joke is even better. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to be changed!
I think we have to figure things out as we go along. For me, reading good books really helps.
Reading is good, Joan. But I suppose it depends on which books. Are there any you would suggest?
Oh my goodness…so much in this post and the link you provided to your gem from 2015?!? Thank you! My brain is on tilt. I feel a podcast coming forth about this post, that list — about the perils of predicting behavior. “Burning down the barn to kill the rats” is the best line ever to describe self-destruct mode. Thank you, Dr. Stein. ❤️
Thanks, Vicki. But be sure to add, “Don’t burn down the barn to kill the rats.” Old farm expressions like this put many great authors to shame.
😉
Thanks so much for this, Gerald. Alas, some of the most consequential life lessons are non-transferrable. But many of them are… and the stickiest way to transfer them is by living example. So easy for me to say. So hard to do. Thanks & Peace, friend of the world.
Thanks, Frank. Very kind of you. You’ve hit the target by pointing out others will learn by our example. Let’s just hope they are looking!
So interesting! “These tendencies, among others, display how humanity protects itself from troublesome knowledge.” That’s a fascinating thought – would we stop taking risks if we knew too much?
To your point about what older people are willing to say, I also find that the longer I live, the more I see the shades of gray instead of the black/white of youth.
Another great post. I agree with Vicki – we need to capture more of your wisdom on a podcast!
Thank you, Wynne. It is hard to say no to you or Vicki! As to your question about risks, I think we need the risk takers in the world, just as, regrettably, we need those who go to war under certain circumstances of defending home and hearth, though it is clear that war is one of the evils of the world. I share your vision of the grayness and complexity one sees if one is willing to look hard and long.
Love the quote from the late Norm McDonald! I look at my adult sons and my face in the mirror and ask myself: Where did the years go? Whether we like it or not, change does come with age. Letting go of our egos does come with its own rewards 🙂
Yes, ego ought to be the property of the young, especially when old men make a mess of it. To me, it is better to leave the stage of holding forth a year too soon than a day too late. Thanks, Rosaliene.