When I treated a new couple, I asked what first drew them together. The answer was almost always the same. “She/he was hot, and we had a lot of fun.”
I don’t doubt the truth of what they said. Considering my personal experience, I could have responded with something similar. Still, I can recall those I fell in love with offered more than beauty and laughter; they displayed intelligence, wit, kindness, and devotion.
Let’s remember, however, that the couples I treated came to my office because of their unhappiness. Whatever the value of their sexual magnetism and the fun they enjoyed, those qualities didn’t guarantee bliss. That’s why they sought my services.
What had they missed? The pair often lacked sufficient knowledge of each other before formalizing their partnership. Here are 15 questions offering a chance to recognize flashing red lights before you move in together, share your income, have a child, or get married.
Change pronouns as needed to fit the relevant gender. In each case, you are trying to find out more about your significant other:
- What was your companion’s experience growing up? The answer should include parent and sibling relationships, forms of punishment, any abuse, school challenges, changes in residence, financial status, disturbed caretakers, addiction issues, and more. (If you find out the individual has little memory of early life, she may be suffering from the repression of traumatic experiences).
- Meet the other’s parents, siblings, and children. While you might be preoccupied with making your own favorable impression, you can learn much about how you will fit into the world of your in-laws and how they treat your future spouse.
- Uncover what gives the beloved joy.
- Do you and your significant other share interests beyond sex and fun?
- If allowed to repeat the best moment of her life, what would the loved one describe and why?
- Did the sweetheart ever visit a counselor, and what spurred her to seek therapy?
- Is your darling now dealing with addiction, and what is her history of alcohol and substance use?
- Does the lady have friends? If not, why not? Are they close and long-standing? Can you meet them?
- How does your dearest approach the importance and management of money? Are you in sync with her thoughts?
- What hopes do the two of you share? Do you both imagine having kids? How many? When?
- What are the other’s life goals? Are your pursuits compatible?
- What are this woman’s politics? How will you get along if you are not like-minded?
- The same questions should be asked about religion and its practice. What faith, if any, would the children be raised in?
- Does your lover expect you to make her happy and solve all her problems? (No one can take on this burden for another and hope to bear the weight of it).
- Learn about your partner’s relationship history, including the most significant people. Why did these romances fail?
Be prepared to probe yourself in addition to your potential soulmate. Self-reflection is recommended even if you are celibate for the time being. It is best to know yourself.
If you believe some of the information above is worth pursuing, avoid appearing to be a prosecuting attorney performing a cross-examination.
Before asking too much, get permission, but don’t ignore the need to understand the one you care for. Consider the troubles that follow if you enter a relationship on Cloud 9 and lack a parachute when uncomfortable information reveals itself.
Of course, there are more possible questions than those I’ve listed, and you might obtain some of the answers in casual conversation.
Beware if you say to yourself, “I already know her well, and she would never mislead or harm me.” Approximately 40% to 50% of first marriages in the USA end in divorce. In the case of second marriages, 60% to 67% come to the same unhappy conclusion.
It is easy to dismiss the above because you believe, “Oh, that won’t happen to me?”
Would you bet the best years of your life on it?
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The top image is from an Engagement Photo Session by Arash Hashemi, sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Does this mean I can rewind back to roughly 1981 or 82 with this list Dr. Stein? My now ex and I covered many of these things, along with the major ones actually and still he is now my ex. I think, as you may have gleaned from some of my posts, even given all that prep work we seemed to end up going in opposite directions, or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that he found he could never get beyond the first mile marker on the relationship highway.
Life only sometimes allows second chances, as you know, Deb. Of course, the unspoken part of the list is that once you discover a red flag, you and the other have to make changes before cementing the relationship. We all make mistakes, including the many who have poor marriages and choose to endure them. I am sorry that part of your life didn’t work out as planned. His loss, Deb.
Thank you 🙂
Such a list! And the blending of answers from a couple of the queries might truly paint a picture of the future – if the beloveds take the time to assess. Purposeful – and as you said, much of the info might come from casual interaction and not necessarily a formal sit-down, but even then…care needs to be taken to not minimize answers that are pause-inducing… for the sake of love. Eyes wide open…thanks, Dr. Stein!
Eyes wide open is the problem, as you suggest. We are prone to dreaming when the heart leads the way. Thanks, Vicki.
Very true!
These are all excellent topics to discuss, and within the scope of a healthy relationship and will lead to other discussions, whilst in an unhealthy relationship those questions will trigger defensiveness and lying to cover up. That in itself is revealing.
Very wise, Tamara — to learn from what is said and unsaid. Thank you!
Too late! Too late! So many red flags ignored 🙁
Given the circumstances of your family of origin, Rosaliene, you were lucky to grow into the woman you are. A good marriage would have been a small miracle.
What a great list. I love your reminder that we need to do the self-reflection as well. Great preparation for life and love! Thanks, Dr. Stein!
Thanks, Wynne. It is partly a question of whether we can hold on to whatever capacity we have for rationality at a time when our desire has taken our capacity for thoughtfulness hostage. Such is life when the waves are so large they can sweep us away. By the way, this is well captured in the movie “Swept Away.”