I am a Boomer born at the front end of the post-war population explosion. My mom, Jeanette, was delighted that Milt Stein returned alive from the killing fields of Europe, crossing the ocean to create me–the soon-to-bloom child they would plant in the world.
Dad was overjoyed to reunite with the beauty he married in 1940, and proud of his newborn son. I’m told it was a joyous scene, and the photos agree.
In the past, old age, which I have acquired by accepting the honesty of the clocks, calendars, and mirrors, required formal respect. The Ten Commandments insist on honoring your father and mother.
Something has changed.
Setting aside the mess Boomers handed humanity, I’d like to answer a critical question: What else accounts for the tendency to dismiss the accumulated experience, knowledge, and guidance of many of the “ancient ones” still around?
Let’s consider six causes of the dismissal of oldster members of the psychedelic era and eight reasons why paying attention to those oldies might be helpful.
1. It is difficult, if not impossible, for a vigorous and vital human of recent vintage to think he will achieve decrepitude. I recall my mother, looking into the mirror in midlife, saying out loud, “When did this happen?” The shape of those who resemble creatures from another planet contributes to believing their opinions pertain to life on Mars.
2. The unfashionable dress, forgotten hairstyles, and limited movement of the now-aged “peace and love” crowd don’t fit well in a world spinning like a top. Since some of us care less about technological trends than is customary, our disinterest reinforces the notion that we are missing the point. Nor do the still-breathing antiques sport earbuds, a practice that will enrich audiologists for years to come.
We are perceived as creatures from outer space or as being born before smart phones, passenger jet planes, computer games, AI, and super cool sneakers.
Yup.
3. We lived before the words “authenticity” and “my truth,” as well as freedom from pretense became mandatory. Indeed, pretense and opportunity were most of what we had going for us. We tried to “fake it to make it.” A student named Jack Weinberg at the University of California, Berkeley, coined the phrase “Don’t trust anyone over 30” during the Free Speech Movement of the 1960s. The sixties generation was a skeptical bunch, except when getting high.
4. Relative youth (let’s say before 40) brings a robust and necessary sense of competence and flexibility. Work now demands more time and expects more self-created ways to make money.
By contrast, the retired crowd lived a slower and less demanding life, and some had lifelong employment in the same place. The University of Illinois, my state college, charged about $100 per quarter. Yes, we emerged in a better moment, but only if our color was white.
5. At a young age, people tend to think they are smart enough to avoid the mistakes made by their elders. Older adults have erred and have the memories to prove it. Their juniors believe they are smarter and claim Elvis is dead to persuade the disbelievers.
Hmm.
The whippersnappers do not think our accumulated knowledge fits the current century. They might be right.
6. My generation includes several blowhards I could name. They never listen but talk from atop a pedestal made for a king.
Now for the rebuttal. Here are eight reasons to listen to what a thoughtful older individual might say:
1. The wise of any age realize that much of life’s significance is a permanent part of the human condition, rather than true of one epoch or another. Think of the need to survive, the pursuit of status, the wish for happiness, the advantage of developing courage, the desire for love, the emptiness of greed, the danger of moral compromise, and the inevitability of aging, loss, change, and death.
Many things cannot be learned without living them. Still, those who survived the ladder up offer awareness of the trip to those who find themselves a few rungs down.
2. Much of what passes for essential reading these days focuses on advancing oneself in the vocational sector, finding love, or psychological self-healing. Ancient philosophers and writers of classic literature can assist those imprisoned by the algorithm-driven, simple answers a newsfeed offers.
With the decline of the humanities in some of the finest universities, the young have missed studying what many of history’s towering and most admired figures learned from such sources. Homer, Immanuel Kant, Plato, and George Eliot (a woman) live in books one does well to discover.
3. Hearing about your parents’ lives is essential to understanding them. What did they live through? They won’t always be around to tell you.
4. A wise person past his prime will listen and ask questions to help you find your answers. A talented therapist does this. And yes, I have revealed some self-flattery here, and some truth.
5. You will live several lives. If you grow, your perspective on yourself, the world, relationships, youth, love, age, money, values, and more will shift by age 50. What is in store for you is the domain of those ahead of you in this process.
6. A lucky soul does not encounter Fate’s hand early in life and believes he is the captain of his unsinkable ship: self-made and invulnerable.
Scholars once spoke, wrote, and thought of destiny as something outside themselves. They believed Fate and the gods had control they lacked, permitting man only the necessity of adapting to it.
Older individuals sustained encounters between themselves and overwhelming, inexplicable forces. There is value in talking to those who have battled such powers.
7. Most of us, of whatever age, live without realizing “The roof that keeps out the rain also blocks out the sun.”* A man is well-served the sooner he grapples with the tendency to avert his eyes from what is uncomfortable to ponder. This, too, reveals itself in uncovering the choices made in a well-lived and long life.
8. Recognizing the speed of time and feeling (not just knowing) one’s mortal condition will enable you to use your time better. The old have lost friends and loved ones, and cannot deny the acceleration of these blows.
If you doubt you are in transit, peer at the old. They hear the clock, but also remember the early, quieter, more patient procession of the hours. Their awareness has increased, and some will tell you they have regrets you would do well to avoid.
You can take the last section as depressing or recognize its truth and the opportunity it offers to help one lead the fullest, most satisfying life possible.
Here’s hoping you do. Here’s hoping we all do.
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The top image is Marina Karaevangelou’s Megabalanus Coccopoma, the titan acorn barnacle, a tropical species first described by Charles Darwin in 1854. It is followed by the Dalai Lama, as photographed by Christopher in 2010. Finally, Oedipus Questioning the Seer Tiresias, the 1580 painting of Alexander Allori. All of these are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
*The quotation is from André Gide’s Paludes.
What I have always found interesting is how some cultures show reverence for their elders while others do not. I taught elementary school for 31 years and interacted with many parents over the years. It was obvious from my conversations that many of my Native American and Asian families, in particular, had great respect for their elders.
I volunteer twice a week by reading to seniors in assisted living. I try to engage them in conversation for a few minutes after I’m done. While many are treated with compassion, some of their stories are heartbreaking, including tales of abandonment, even by their children residing in the same town.
Thank you, Pete. You raise an interesting question. The Asian and Native American families might have traditions and/or beliefs about their place in the world that makes honoring parents something very serious and necessary. In he West, we have the 10 Commandments, but relatively little discussion of #5. Much praise to you for reading to those in assisted living. Before medicine advanced and hospitals grew, people tended not to live to a ripe age and died at home. Much has changed and not all for the better.
Unfortunately, many old people who have been abandoned by their children were quite damaged emotionally and in turn dumped a lot of toxic behavior onto their kids. These days, people are finding that for the sake of their mental health that they need to go no-contact with their elders. People no longer feel obligated to stick out unhealthy relationships and choose to cultivate more positive ones.
My mother is one such individual, still full of “piss and vinegar” to the point of alienating people around her. I went no-contact with her after decades of trying to develop a healthier relationship and am now an emotional support to my brother who visits her quarterly out of duty to help her with some things. His wife and children no longer accompany him, for her outbursts even to him, the golden child, leave him shaken and needing days to recover.
While not every elderly person fits this picture, a goodly amount do unfortunately. As outsiders to these families we cannot know how they treat their family members, for some of the most toxic people towards their families seem to be perfect angels to strangers.
I agree, Tamara. The one area of which I am uncertain, is what percentage of children end relationships permanently. Secondarily, it would be interesting to know how cultural differences impact the number who do so. As a clinical psychologist, is certainly saw those who ended relationships and those who did not. Thank you.
I think this is a powerful, true statement, Dr. Stein, about those I’ve encountered who are older, reflective:
“Their awareness has increased, and some will tell you they have regrets you would do well to avoid.”
I love listening to the stories that flow with ease, almost like time travel, when I pay attention to the moments and memories that linger for friends (some older and interestingly some younger). In almost every instance I come away with a sense of reverence for bearing witness, privileged to listen. 💕
Yes, Vicki, each of us have poignant stories, and bearing witness and being seen is something desperately important. Our place in the world is small, and, for most of us will be smaller or nonexistent in 100 years. I imagine that the road to humility is in part a function of reminding ourselves of the latter reality. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, as always.
Dr. Stein, I’ve come to accept this as the way things are here in America. As you mention in #5, “At a young age, people tend to think they are smart enough to avoid the mistakes made by their elders.” They have yet to reach the age of learning the error in such a belief.
Thank you, Rosaliene. I do wish there were an age of self-awareness that we could count on. That said, it does come for some of us and not usually in youth. I suppose the Temple of Apollo at Delphi wouldn’t have included the inscription “know thyself” if we didn’t need to be reminded!
I remember when my daughter was a teen, and she gave a lot of push-back for my rules and guidelines, feeling them old fashioned. Indeed, I had the same thoughts about my parents when I was a teen. Now that she’s a mum of teenagers, she’s finding that they’re saying the same things to her. She now understands why I taught her some things, and she in turn is trying to pass on the same knowledge to the kids. It’s only when they get a bit of life experience under their belts do they start to see the wisdom their parents were teaching. Thankfully nowadays we don’t have to stick to old ways if they’re no longer serving us or are very out-moded, but can update the wisdom.
Great points, Dr. Stein. Let me share my opinion based on personal experience. They (my family, the parents of my friends, and some of my neighbors) didn’t know how to communicate with the younger generation. I would have loved to sit down and listen to their wisdom because they knew more than I did about life, but they were incapable of connecting and engaging, even when I asked them many questions. I’m about to turn 52, so you know which generation I’m referring to. During my military career, I found that younger soldiers will listen if they sense that you’re genuinely trying to connect with and understand them. They’ll ask all kinds of questions and seek advice, if a relationship is built.
Thanks, Edward. You always offer thoughtful and provocative comments which are much appreciated.
I have encountered those who are older and don’t want to engage, too. When I did interviews of retiring musicians of the Chicago Symphony, for example, some wanted no part of speaking to strangers and opening themselves up for that purpose.
I recall a legendary brass player who I learned felt lost after his long career was over. The emotion of never having found anything as satisfying as performing was something I gathered he wanted to avoid. As your comment suggests, some people don’t know how to communicate and others don’t want the vulnerability that is sometimes involved. Again, many thanks!
You’re very welcome and your point about vulnerability is excellent. Thank you.
You bet! I’m glad you raised a question!
This is so insightful. I witness this disconnect almost weekly between my kids and my mom. It’s so hard for her to pass on her experience without it coming across as criticism.
“Many things cannot be learned without living them.” resonated with me. Here’s to being able to pass on the awareness of the trip to those coming up behind.
I’d like to think that we learn a few things by the time we pass middle age, but the ability to pass on knowledge and wisdom doesn’t come easily and can depend on how one was raised. Asking questions, ala Socrates can sometimes evoke an eye opening response. But I will tell you that I am no genius at it myself. To their great good fortune, the kids have you, Wynne.
You’ve hit the nail on the hit with this answer – it depends on how one was raised. Right. Love your Socratic method. Thanks, Dr. Stein!
Your summary of the complexity of parent-child relationships spoke to me (trailing edge boomer Frank) deeply in so many ways, Gerald.
Ditto the many comments made to the effect that sometimes father (or mother) doesn’t know best.
Anyway, I’ve decided to invest most of energy these days to sharing the many crucial, hard-earned life lessons I’ve learned over the decades… in the hope that it can save a few young people from digging the same dry wells, chasing the same booby prizes, and worshiping the same false gods I was trained to revere by my elders.
Thanks and peace.
Yes, no doubt there are many false gods, and you are doing a fine job of revealing who they are. May you continue doing so for a long time, Frank!
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