Heartbreak is not limited to romance. The departures of pets and people are not so different in triggering the sadness of lost love.
A break with living, lifelong friends, too, weighs heavily upon the soul.
The best childhood companions, akin to brothers and sisters, know you better than anyone else. They live in the same neighborhood, at the exact moment in history. Buddies visit the selfsame stores, walk the worn streets, and play on the gravel, asphalt, and dirt fields, which soon vanish and turn into shared memories.
Spending so much time together brings young men close. Each one spoke to the other’s parents and bathed in their goodwill, eating at their table.
Chums of half a lifetime or more remember teachers, recall the jokes heard in the hallways, and endure the tests of growing up, getting grades, and making a life.
Trust grows with time if the companions are well-matched. Like lovers who rub each other raw upon occasion, you break up and you make up. Your spouse hears about your past and your secrets, but can never witness yesterday’s events as they unfold.
She interprets your description of who you were, sharing a life with who you are.
And then? Time can splinter the old gang and the ones you are closest to. The spouse might not approve of your pal or your mate’s girlfriend. Moving away, changes in status and wealth, the need to attend to one’s children, and the business of life stretch the rubber band of affection.
Differences arise. Hurt feelings enter from words and actions as if dropping from the sky. If they repeat, temporary reconciliation might reach a breaking point. Yet, out there somewhere, the person who remembers your parents and your siblings when they were young still exists.
Apologies require courage and hope. When endings happen, the comrade lives as part of you, sometimes preoccupying you as much as a first love you never get over.
As long as there is life in two people, the possibility of reunion may also live on. When one of the pair has grieved the loss and realizes reconciliation will not work, then the end of closeness precedes a different kind of departure.
I have treated such heartbreak as a therapist, and lived it, as well. Some things can be healed, others cannot. Gratitude for the grand times past remains a blessing if you can manage it.
My advice? Make as many friends as you can and show all the kindness of which you are capable.
AI tells us this:
A long-term Harvard study found that strong relationships are the most important factor in a happy and long life, more so than money or fame.
The best direction?
Always look for love.
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The top picture is Friendship Bond as created by Kwesi2002. The photo below is of Red Breaks by John Fowler, from Placitas, NM, USA. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Caro Dottor Stein,
No, you are not allowed to publish such a text (not read yet) with such a title, and to send il to me (I’m of course joking!).
YOU DID IT AGAIN.
How could you possibly know that just your title exactly describes what I’m going through right now, cruel, sharp, and with more than one supposed friend since years?
Are you a not only a psychiatrist but also secretly a chaman?
Does Gustav Jung visit you in your dreams?
Will read, with pleasure? with fear? your text later and comment it.
A più tardi.
Cari saluti
Micaela
My condolences, Micaela. No visits from Jung, of course, but much time and experience. I am sure more collapsing friendship, simultaneously, makes the moment all the more painful. I will be thinking of you.
Tranquillo, dottor Stein, no need of condolences this time (sorry if my first writing alarmed you), even if the last events were terribly rude and as said, cruel. As painfully unjust as unjustified.
I fell from my bike few days ago.
?????? “And what?”, may you ask.
Un attimo, ci arrivo. Pazienza, dottor Stein!
It’s the third time this year.
Nothing too serious, thanks God. My bones are iron or stonemade!
However a strong knock, blood, and a extended wound.
I immediately transformed myself in the best of psychiatrists (Dr Stein from Chicago, for exemple! or Fazia, my incredible sensational psychiatrist here in Locarno) and had a flash: you fell, God made you fall, and will keep on to make you fall as long as you won’t really (no intellect: soul) understand how to pick up yourself for ever! Period.
I always, since my very early age, projected my qualities on people met, my way to think, to analyse situations, persons.
Why on earth, with absolutely splendid exceptions!, you girl?
You have seen, heard, observed a distorted attitude, phrase, a false smile; so why on earth are you finding excuses to the other person, question your own attitude (which is good and normal), pardon against evidence of malevolence?
Surely not because I cannot live alone.
Especially because being a professional musician solitude is essential; you may study 10 hours a day when studying a concert-program, a competition-program, for an audition or an exam.
I love my solitude, and I need it.
On the other side I love people, I need friendships, contacts.
Mamma Vittorina always told me, and it remains the most wonderful compliment anyone could possibly address me, making tears immediately pour: “Sei solare:”
You are sunny.
Mamma Vittorina, quanto mi manchi…
The older the friendship is the more difficult it is for me to cut a 50% toxic 50% happy relationship.
Not sure about the numbers.
A very simple fact, gesture, a smile will make me go back to the friend wide arms open.
And the perverse circle starts again…
Same repeated situations with men I fell in love with.
Until now only distorted personalities, narcissists, malevolents I first value as nice men. Once even a psychopath who was about to strangle me, you silly girl, brava crocerossina come ti ha sempre insegnato mamma Vittorina, who sacrificed her own life for my father and for the hole family until consumption.
Everything takes origin from my adored mamma…
Well, girl, hope you won’t fall again from your bike before end of 2025.
I’m positively sure it won’t happen again!
La prego, dottor Stein, non si preoccupi, andrà tutto bene.
La bambina ora donna si rialzerà per davvero e non cadrà più dalla bicicletta!
With great and joyful admiration, respect,
Micaela
Yes, please don’t fall. Be careful. I hope you wear a helmet. As to the rest, I hope your psychiatrist helps you find the place in relationships between forgiveness and self-protection. We all need that. Be well, Micaela.
Ooohhh, I forgot:
“Always look for love.”
It’s evidence. È chiaro!
Nice Italian expression: Non ci piove!
Wonderful! I am delighted to know the proper expression! Thank you, Micaela.
it is always a loss
Indeed, Beth. One cannot replace the connection of decades and the truckload of memories. The loss usually diminishes with time, but we don’t forget. Thank you, Beth.
I agree and feel with you, caro Dottor Stein!
Thank you, Martina. Most of us experience this kind of loss, but we cannot replace old friends with new ones unless we have enough time and experience with them. Even then, there is something irreplaceable about childhood memories and the attachments we make in that part of life.
I thank you very much for your accessory explanations, which I can feel myself, because I left the place where I grew up ! On the other hand I think it has also many positive sides, because it gives us the possibility to make other experiences! All the best to you.
You are right, of course, Martina. We see new things, meet knew people, and, ideally, grow by extending ourselves. About places, even if one stays close to the place we grew up, the place often changes, perhaps more than before the industrial age. The world does not stand still, and, to our misfortune, some of those alterations are menacing. Be well, Martina.
👍🍁
“Always look for love.” indeed. Thanks, man.
You bet, Frank.
One of the few things I’ve somehow managed to do right in my life has been that I have kept a few dear childhood friends despite many moves and other obstacles. They have brought me so much comfort over the years. Just being near them soothes my soul. I am so grateful for their friendship.
I am happy for you, Lori. I have been lucky in that way, too, partly because we made a promise in 1963 to meet in the year 2000. Eight of the 10 of us kept that promise and a ninth friend connected by phone. Thanks for your comment and keep those friends, as I am sure you will!
“Make as many friends as you can and show all the kindness of which you are capable.” Such great advice. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime… and, unfortunately, we don’t always have a say in the matter.
Yes, friendship is complicated. I have been very lucky. Here’s hoping there are more friends in your future, Erin.
Thank you, Dr. Stein. Truly. 🩷
I love the topic here, Dr. Stein. One overlooked, I think – mulling the depth and importance of friends across decades. If loss/disruption occurs, it’s an odd sort of grieving. Knowing they’re “out there” but absent from our lives. I think your concluding thought is perfect. Spot on:
“Some things can be healed, others cannot. Gratitude for the grand times past remains a blessing if you can manage it.”
Thank you. 💝
As always, much appreciated, Vicki. I am grateful for the friends I have maintained, and regret only one complicated loss. But, to the good, I’ve met a few new ones, including one with the initials VA!
I’m smiling! So big! Right back at you, Dr. Stein! Sending hugs and good wishes to you. 💝
Comparing a wedge caused by a perceived ‘villain’-who has something to gain, by instigating actions deliberately against us, to a loss of contact or proximity ending, death or unexplained loss of touch…are truly variable “endings.” I think ‘closure’ is so important even as most folks avoid this. Having closure helps us not only define truth, but can help us learn about perceptions and assists us in moving forward. I think most folks disagree with me-but not having closure is quite painful, as can be a loss of communication caused by someone in power who is manipulating connections-for strategic pursuits.
I agree, Joanne, that closure is useful and helps answer questions that can otherwise linger for years. To my mind, the closure requires the cooperation of the other, who must also want it and be capable of offering his or her version of “what happened” in a truthful manner. Sometimes closure might take years of space between the parties, which, of course, isn’t immediately satisfying. Unfortunately, given that not all individuals are up to the task, we also need to find a way to closure in those situations in which the other cannot meet with sufficient willingness and understanding. Thank you for your important addition to the discussion of the loss of friends.
Yours is an underdiscussed topic, Dr. Stein. Another angle, especially critical to discuss in this politically charged era, is how our friends can hold such diverse viewpoints. It’s tough for me to understand how someone I treasure as a friend in so many other ways can support someone whose values go against everything that I think decent people should stand for. I’ve never cut ties with someone because of their political beliefs, but I may suggest changing the topic if a conversation starts to go in a direction that makes us both uncomfortable. It saddens me that family members and long-lasting friendships have dissolved over politics.
Although I know you are referring to the loss of living friends, another issue we continue to face as we age is the loss of longtime friends who pass. This past year, I’ve experienced more losses than ever before. It’s hard to reconcile that I’ll never speak to someone who was such an enormous part of my life. It reminds me of the importance of forgiveness and healing whenever we argue with a family member or friend.
Your strategy to maintain politically complicated relationships sounds like a sound one, Pete. Indeed, understanding how someone we treasure has changed in the middle of the present political morass sometimes pleads for a team mental health professionals!
To your second point, my condolences on the death of some of your friends. I have endured something similar and am always reminded of the line spoken by King Claudius in Hamlet: “Oh Gertrude, Gertrude, when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions!”
As you say, Pete, with age it is wise to let people know that we love them, and try not to end conversations on a note that might (unknowingly) be the last one we have with someone about whom we care.
Many thanks for your deeply-felt and important comment.
Dr. Stein, thanks for this timely post as I’ve been reflecting on early friendships. Over the years, I’ve lost several close friends due to migration. Recently, I tried and failed to reconnect with two childhood school friends, who migrated with their families to Canada after they completed elementary school. Our lives have taken such different paths that we’ve lost that connection we once enjoyed. As you’ve so wisely recommended, I’ve sought to continue making new friends wherever I make a new home. It has become more difficult with age, but I work at being kind to those with whom I come in contact.
I do not doubt your kindness, Rosaliene. Your situation of multiple moves and career changes could only have made it harder to keep relationships intact. Making new friends, as you say, is the available answer. For myself, I am happy to have made contact with you and know we would develop our relationship further if we lived nearby. As it is, I am more than lucky for knowing you.
The feeling is mutual, Dr. Stein <3 I have been blessed with friends like you, Rebecca (Wisconsin), Tamara, and many others you may have come to know through their comments on my blog posts.
I admire people who have kept friendships through the decades. I mourn the loss of some people in my life, but I also recognize that we couldn’t continue to be friends due to many events and circumstances. It’s always harder to make friends later in life, but it is possible, I’m doing it, and it’s taken on a different shape from when I was younger.
When people remake themselves to improve their lives, some friends will be left behind and others will leave on their own because they no longer have someone who can be manipulated. To that degree, as I read your posts, it seems to me that the loss of friends was inevitable and sometimes necessary for your well-being. As to the present, your are an enterprising woman and there will be more than a few who want to get to know you better, I am sure. Thank you, Tamara.
Beautiful, Dr. Stein! I love your advice to “Make as many friends as you can and show all the kindness of which you are capable.” So wise!!
Thank you, Wynne. The hope of the world is to be kind and find kindred souls. As best we can to fill a lot of weary hearts, our own included.
While reading your post, a thought crossed my mind that this is probably the same feeling some people experience when they retire from their profession. I never made that connection until now, and I understand why some are unable to do it and continue working, even though their family is waiting for them to finally enjoy their later years together. Breaking away from routines, co-workers, prestige, and, for some, a sense of worth must be devastating. Thank you for this illuminating post, Dr. Stein.
This is an astute observation, Edward. Certainly in combat, patients I spoke to did seem to have a unique bonding experience vitally impossible to duplicate elsewhere. These days leaving a job, however, is often not one that included a long experience in face to face work. That said, the retirement of my or my parents generation, might fit your description. Thank you for offering your important perspective.