What price would you pay to be extraordinary?
I will tell you a story of one young woman who paid that price and then some.
She offered an example of how we sometimes defend our self-image at the cost of our happiness.
She was a patient of another psychologist; I filled in for her treatment needs for more than a decade whenever he was on vacation.
Gloria (not her real name) had a tragic early life. Victimized by her parents’ verbal and physical abuse and neglect, she became an easy target for schoolmates.
This woman was unfortunate to be born with below-average intelligence. Her movements lacked grace, and her facial features were unattractive. But Gloria could be sweet and engaging, able to approach strangers and make conversation no matter her long history of rejection.
Even with multiple disadvantages and misfortunes, Gloria, by the time of middle age, might have had a pleasing social life except for one thing: she believed herself to be the world’s unluckiest person, the record holder for having suffered the greatest misfortune in the planet’s present and past.
Moreover, she felt compelled to recount her tale of woe to those she met—too much and too soon.
The outcome was predictable. They shied away from her, rejecting her once more, and adding to her claim as the most ill-treated human in recorded history.
I am not exaggerating here; I once asked her to compare herself to various martyrs and sufferers of tragedy. The list included those who had been tortured, casualties of natural disasters, concentration camp victims, Jesus on the cross, and those plagued with disfiguring and painful illnesses.
My sometimes-client assured me her lot in life was far worse than any of them. Justice therefore required strangers to provide the understanding, sympathy, and support she lacked.
Gloria pursued comfort and affection with a vengeance, insisting on what she asserted was her due. Her sense of entitlement, her demand that humanity should and must deliver it, drove people away as she strove for the love she had never had.
This woman’s therapist explained to her the self-defeating nature of this strategy, and the need first to establish relationships based on something beyond the other’s willingness to listen to her sadness and anger.
His patient didn’t accept it. The world and the rest of the human race owed her devotion (so she presumed); the sooner, the better, and it was only fair to expect them to deliver what she wanted.
Gloria understood that people might lack patience or interest in accepting her premature self-disclosure. As a consequence, you might well ask, why did she repeat the same behavior with the same bad results? Why not try something different?
After much reflection, here is the best answer I can offer.
First, Gloria’s desperation, neediness, and hunger for affection made it impossible for her to restrain herself from lunging at the thing she desired. More importantly, the one thing the client valued above everything else was her self-appointed status as The Most Unfortunate Person in World History.
Now, you might say that you wouldn’t want that particular title, but think about it.
I suspect that designation gave Gloria the only form of distinction possible in her life.
Without it, she became no more than a sad, angry, lonely, unattractive, unaccomplished, anonymous person. With it, however, this individual enlarged herself into someone exceptional, who stood out from the crowd, a noteworthy presence, the most remarkable one in eight billion souls.
The nourishment she received from licking the wounds attendant upon this awful position in life provided her with some solace.
Gloria, I imagine, if she is alive today, would deny my explanation of her misguided conduct, and I cannot promise it is accurate.
Let me ask you this:
Have you encountered acquaintances, friends, or relatives who persist in undermining their own happiness, regardless of the advice, therapy, or wise counsel offered by others?
Have you sometimes wondered why they do so?
Often the answer isn’t “logical” in that it doesn’t “make sense” from an intellectual standpoint. It might be emotionally convincing, however, as I believe it was for Gloria.
If, deep inside, she didn’t think the life she wanted was within reach, her actions suggested that she had found a method, however troublesome, to give herself the internal recognition it wouldn’t otherwise supply.
Gloria was dealt a bad hand in life. Her response to that deal of the cards is instructive. She chose a dreadful fantasy, a story about herself that compensated her for her adversity, even as it fueled her continued loneliness.
Perhaps, on balance, her invention of a notable identity compensated her enough for all the rest.
Was she “crazy?” She certainly was diagnosable, but we all make repeated missteps in life.
Others in our lives, past and present, deserve some compassion. Maybe even the kind Gloria wanted.
Before you condemn her, consider whether pity might be a better choice.
Gloria would have appreciated that.
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The top image is a Young Queen Elizabeth (1952), charcoal pencil on paper, by Darey popoola. It was sourced from Wikimedia.com
Very thought-provoking and sad post, Dr. S. Is this narcissism (from narcissistic injury)?
On the one hand, I can see how there are systemic issues related to lookism and other forms of discrimination, especially for those who were born without aesthetic privilege or born into an abusive family. Society treats poorly those who are unattractive, not intelligent, under-educated, cis-female, mentally ill, and neurodivergent (whose personalities largely differ from what mainstream society will accept in close relationships and even in workplaces) – just to name a few minorities. So grieving the losses there, especially when it is ongoing and reinforced by systemic issues, seems normative.
Additionally, without the intelligence to seek out resources or to advocate for others in her same situation (and thus find community there), she is left with minimal decision-making abilities to problem-solve her prolonged, complex, disenfranchised grief. Ambiguous loss also ensues – from lack of social capital, close relationships, and love overall. The kind of scaffolding it would take to learn from relationships in her predicament might have helped – if it were there earlier on in her life. It’s no wonder people in her position are needy because they are, in fact, in need of healing through relationships (not solely psychotherapy). We weren’t meant to be alone, and there’s a human need for connection. Could it be that her lack of intelligence is a reason why she isn’t able to learn better ways or use cognitive processing to change her behaviors and outcome? Perhaps cognitive therapy requires a certain level of intelligence (or being rational) in order to change distorted beliefs and thus change moods/emotions and behaviors/relationships.
But on the other hand, her rightful need for healing and relationships turned into a toxic, distorted need for self-centered pity – a martyr complex (if I’m reading this blog correctly) – an endless narcissistic supply of one-sided caring. Even if she isn’t that intelligent, she might be aware enough to understand that she is wrong. She might know she is wrong, but she doesn’t want to accept it. Her narcissistic injuries were too much and too painful for her to address and accept.
Is she even capable of empathy for the other, or of reciprocity in relationships? Is she even capable of understanding how other people in the world also had similar hardships in life as she did? It sounds like she would exact the kind of narcissistic abuse on other people because it’s all about her, and that’s a turnoff to anyone who wants a safe, healthy relationship. It’s no wonder she gets rejected and hurt over and over again, which then seems to trigger her narcissistic injuries over and over again. This means she keeps on repeating the same need for narcissistic supply by being the one who is the most victimized in life. Is this an example of “victim mentality”?
I’ve dealt with being the victim of silent narcissists like her, so I’m a bit biased when reading this. I feel sorry for her on the one hand, but I’m disgusted by her on the other.
How do therapists successfully treat patients with this condition – whatever it is. And I don’t even know if she is narcissistic. I’m not a psychologist. But it seems like narcissism (martyr complex, silent narcissism, etc.).
This is a sad story with what sounds like a very sad outcome.
Good to hear from you, GB. I hope the East Coast is treating you well. You hit the target in understanding this woman’s situation when you wrote this, “her rightful need for healing and relationships turned into a toxic, distorted need for self-centered pity – a martyr complex (if I’m reading this blog correctly) – an endless narcissistic supply of one-sided caring.”
To answer at least one of your questions, I can say that three different psychologists and at least two psychiatrists were unable to find the secret to an effective treatment. I was one of those, though my role was episodic.
Your post reminds me of a thought concerning how life if big cities has largely robbed us of the place for one such as her. In a small town of 150 years ago, there might have been more acceptance of her, as well as limited expectations and negative judgement of the qualities that made it hard for her to fit in to a city — a place with no advocates and few who even knew her name. As you wrote, the story is a sad one. Thank you for your comment and be well.
Nice to hear back from you, too, Dr. S!
Initially, I thought my reply was too harsh. It’s sad to consider that people with certain conditions are very tough to treat.
Perhaps “treatment success” isn’t fully seen – a maintaining at her level of misery, as opposed to it worsening into something else more dangerous (to herself or others). I’m considering chronic conditions like mild COPD or autoimmune disorders, and how maintenance and prevention are more a “new norm” than curing, improving symptoms, etc. So maybe success in psychotherapy goes beyond the conventional thought of reducing symptoms and improving quality of life. Perhaps success in treatment, for some, is preventing a chronic maladaptive mental condition from worsening.
Thanks for your feedback. I’m doing better on the East Coast, but it is different from the Midwest in some ways.
You raise a good point, GB. We may have slowed her decline, but (although I didn’t mention it in my essay) her consideration for the position of others, including her primary therapist and one other fill-in counselor, diminished, as well. Nonetheless, your point is well taken. Surely, in some cases, a successful treatment means keeping someone afloat, even if they never learn to swim. All the best.
Your post made me think of people I know (to be honest, I try to avoid these type of personalities) who constantly seem to find themselves in the middle of drama. It seems like they go out of their way to create chaos in their lives when everything is calm for once. You would know better than I, Dr. Stein, but I hypothesize they may have been surrounded by similar personality types growing up and learned from them.
I can understand your desire to stay away from people like the subject of my post, Pete. Indeed, had I not been in the position of therapist, I probably would have kept away from this woman. as well.
There were doubtless multiple reasons for her poor decision making, and her unconscious recognition that the only approval she would receive in the world would be her self-elevation of herself to status as the most victimized human in history. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Pete.
Yes, I have a longtime friend. It was much like this. When we met many years ago, we were both waitressing, going to school, had become a single mother had and making my way into the next chapter of my life. A. was warm, welcoming, bright, sweet, funny, and kind. We quickly became friends and offered support for each other when dealing with difficult patrons or just things in life. I always told her she was like a joyful fairy just making the way through life, laughing and talking to everyone. Overtime, we both graduated from college, but stayed friends living not too far apart. She had a Theosophy degree, which is a bit challenging as far as employment due to her empathetic nature she thrived as a school substitute working with special-needs children. She also trained and became a massage therapist and both jobs seemed very suited to her personality. She thrived in both fields, due to her empathy and care giving nature. Before long, she found flaws found flaws in both fields to left both of them and went back to waitressing, where she found another flaw, saying she was getting poisoned by the cleaning supplies. One sort of job moved to another until she declared herself disabled due to the working conditions she had experienced. I know that she also had a very hard childhood and was always rooting for the underdog, but everything began to devolve into all her woes, bad experiences, childhood, disabilities, and what the world did not provide for her or help her with and declared herself unable to work. Since then, she has lived on various government programs and moved from state to state, always finding something wrong with where she lived and kept moving. Not realizing that the problem was not geographic, it was something within her that was unresolved. For the last four years, she’s moved back to my state and lives in a basic but nice apartment in subsidized housing in a reclaimed historic very nice, city north of me. At one point, she told my granddaughter and I that her dream was to be accepted into a women’s shelter. We responded by trying to remind her that was probably a goal that would not move her toward how she wanted to live and that there are women and children who are eminent danger who need to immediately move there and not to take someone’s space. She also is still very agile has no children multiple skills no commitments, but has said she is unable. I sent you move back as well as over the year. She’s worked with a variety of therapist and therapist and always thinks that another one will be better or the other one was better to work with still searching for something. She started a Facebook page with recipes and friendly things that devolved into all of her diseases what is wrong with the states and cities and the government and programs not helping her and why is everyone else getting ? She became the focus of her own tragedy and created one of her own making that was much larger. I send her cards and birthday and holiday gifts, but her what was me why isn’t helping anyone helping me constant rhetoric is tiring for everyone including myself. I just always comment on her sight if she has something fun to say or friendly or offering a recipe the rest I do not respond to. It’s very sad to me that she became her own, worst enemy and self sabotaging over the years, compensating for what she suffered, not understanding that others have also lived through bad things and many, even worse, but not able to see that at this point. Sorry this was so long. It was just that the case you mentioned was so familiar to me in having dealt with my friend.
Thank you for this, Beth. It must have been difficult for you to watch your friend decline. It sounds like you have given her every consideration and more, entirely to your credit and decency as a caring human being.
A’s belief that she was being poisoned at one point makes me wonder if her dilemma involves psychosis, but I am certainly in no position to diagnose her or recommend treatment given all of the failed opportunities she has had to create a bond with a therapist. Perhaps she has landed in the most acceptable spot for her at the moment. Thank you again for telling her story, Beth.
your post reminded me so much of her
I hope it was not a painful reminder, Beth.
no, it was good to hear you explain your experience and your thoughts on this
I am glad, Beth. Thank you.
Such a sad case, Dr. Stein. We are such complex beings. I’ve no doubt that I also compensate in some way or the other, that may irk others, for my own difficult upbringing. As I see it, the challenge for each one of us lies in having the courage to look at ourselves with all our ugly flaws and do the work needed to unearth our inner beauty.
Your final sentence is beautifully stated, Rosaliene. I doubt, however, that your passage through life and capacity to adapt to difficult situations (as much as I know about them) is quite different and far more functional than the woman in question. Thank you for your reflections on the lady I described.
Thanks for your kind comment, Dr. Stein 🙂 <3
Ohh…leaning into identities based on woe and misfortune because little else resonates as much. Taking status wherever it can be found. I think I’ve known a “Gloria” or two. My heart aches for those who cannot resist staying in the trench; unpleasant yet comforting at the same time. Known. Thank you, Dr. Stein. ❤️
Thank you, Vicki. You put it well when you referred to those who “cannot resist staying in the trench.” Unfortunately, those who encountered her in her effort to quickly unload her history and seek comfort, apparently did not create heartache in them. Rather, it reportedly drove them away. Thank you for your thoughts, as always, and for your expression of empathy, something I know is part of your humanity.
Thank you…your essays always make me think. ❤️
Thanks, Vicki. Here is (since it happened a long time ago) a funny story. When I was in college, I loved a young lady who said something very similar. That is, “you make me think.” It was not too long after that she dumped me. Apparently I made her think she needed to find someone different!