Many of those I treated wished to change something about their partner, child, parent, or friend. Apart from the futility of altering someone else without cooperation, they never realized that an essential “good” would be lost by the end of their hypothetical surgical procedure.

The dissatisfied among us too often view fellow humans as something like a car with a broken or worn-out part. If only a defective brake or muffler is located, removed, and replaced, everything will be better, they mutter. It’s as simple as that.

Take a buddy who is considered too forgiving. You want him to enter a conflict on your side, but he has already moved past the injury both of you suffered.

Your idea is to draft a comrade into your battle, but what unintended alteration might occur? You could discover the new version of your chum is impatient and tends to hold grudges against you. Such a turn in the relationship is unexpected. The sweet nature you love in him disappears in the transformation.

Many similar examples exist. Think of a partner who displays remarkable kindness but is vulnerable. If you try to toughen her up, you live to regret it, missing her rare affection—the sweetness of the one you love, a unique part of her essence. Indeed, savoring the delicacy of the other makes you better, wiser, and more loving. You must change not the one who captured your heart—not the one you wish to adjust, modify, or perfect.

Rather, yourself.

Jaap van Zweden, the outgoing Music Director of the New York Philharmonic, recently said, “We cannot help ourselves, who we are.” Therapy does wonders for some, but it rarely makes bullies into the tenderhearted or the small into giants.

The Hebrew Bible informs us of Sampson’s weakness without long hair. Would anyone who benefited from his protection and intimidating force do well to cut it? Once Delilah shorn him of his shaggy brawniness as he slept, those who depended on him lacked a champion.

Would Achilles have been Achilles lacking the rage to amplify his superiority as a warrior? He remained forever aggressive and arrogant, until a Trojan arrow found his heel.

Odysseus was known for his cleverness, which made him untrustworthy to some. Yet without that quality, his Trojan Horse brainchild never would have been invented. Troy’s gates might still be standing.

Authors who write magnificent books often include thanks to spouses and children for their patience during the years of research, writing, and preoccupation with work. It is the price of being who they are, paid for by their family as the cost and benefit of being their mate, daughter, or son.

Where can you find someone who retains all the characteristics you favor after removing those you don’t? No one portrays multiple characters in the play of life to suit everyone.

Free from differences you believe troubling, there would be no intimate conversations about your relationship, nor the effort on your part to understand the other and adapt.

Life is fuller, and we are more virtuous for making those adaptations. The human community is less toxic and more congenial if we are not stubborn and critical, demanding others to shape-shift and asking little of ourselves. We are imperfect, too, and the world breaks us if we don’t bend.

The dissatisfaction is ours to put right—to find more gratitude and less irritation or disappointment within.

Sometimes, changing one thing changes everything. Think of the game of Jenga.

Wikipedia tells us that “players take turns removing one block at a time from a tower constructed of 54 blocks. Each block removed is then placed on top of the tower, creating a progressively more unstable structure. The game ends when the tower falls over.”

All because of the unfortunate adjustment of a single block.

Yes, we should steer clear of relationships with those who are untrustworthy, deceitful, and lacking awareness of their need for alteration, be they friends, spouses, or our leaders. The chance of refining them is harder than hammering the uneven surface of a metal block to smooth it out.

As the Christian Bible reminds us, “he (who) is without sin … let him be the first to cast a stone” at another who is flawed. Much as we all must change—a process dictated by necessity in perpetuity—too few set aside their grumbling discontent over the people who don’t think as they do.

Be careful not to draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa, expecting to improve her portrait. Those who remind themselves that they live in a world of differences increase their chances of accepting most people as they are.

If you can think of a better way to be, tell me how.

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The top two photographs are by Laura Hedien, with her generous permission: Laura Hedien Official Website. The first is a Cuban Street Scene from March 2024, followed by a Vintage Truck on the Backroads of Illinois on November 18, 2022. Finally, an example of the game Jenga.