On Wednesday, I promised those who read today’s post the possibility of winning an autograph of Methuselah, the 969-year-old man of the ancient world.

Unfortunately, there is a problem on the autograph front.

First, Methuselah didn’t know many words. Some have suggested that this limitation on his ability to think not only compromised his ability to write, but also the concerns and ideas that bother most of us. Issues such as status, wealth, and men colored orange.

He did say one sentence whenever he approached a desirable woman, however:

Sex, huh?

This might explain how he happened to father a son named Lamech at the age of 187.

In the ancient world, numerous con artists existed. Once Methuselah reached the age of 187, he became a celebrity. Moreover, proud of his new boy, he widened his vocabulary:

Lemach, huh?

As you can imagine, everyone wanted to discover his secret to a long and active life.

Mr. M. didn’t have anything more to say, but others, also claiming to be Methuselah, tried to cash in on his longevity.

It was pretty easy to steal someone’s identity in those days. No photography, widespread illiteracy, and no driver’s licenses or birth certificates. 

Bartering for an autographed papyrus became a common practice.

Unfortunately, the one in my possession is a fake. As Samuel Goldwyn, the movie mogul, used to say, “A verbal contract isn’t worth the papyrus it’s written on.”

The Methuselah fiasco must be disappointing to you, but do not give up all hope.

I am in negotiations for copies of Socrates’ famous Book of Beverages. 

His brew of hemlock will knock you out.