A father’s love is a “sometimes” thing. Looking back, the words “I love you” were not often spoken. Physical and verbal affection were more in the mom’s job description. The dad was the disciplinarian, a formidable presence, not a cuddly protector.
“Wait until your father gets home” was a familiar TV sitcom line because it was an accurate and foreboding statement in many homes.
Men are more prone to telling their children of their affection these days, but many still don’t. They assume, as their male parents did, that their emotional attachment to their children is evident.
It isn’t. Words matter. They must be spoken with eyes open and face to face—not once, but repeatedly.
If they aren’t voiced, a problem is created. The dilemma is exacerbated if the father doesn’t embrace his child in all senses.
In my psychotherapy practice, I heard too many lamentations to count describing an unfilled space between child and parent. The dead zone held the words never said, the eyes that rarely met, and the unfulfilled desire for touch.
My patients told me that they still felt the absence. Middle-aged men and women continued to wonder if their father or mother loved them. Moreover, they were afraid to ask. Why? Because the possibility of lacking the guardian’s love could become a reality with words like, “No, I don’t,” or offhanded comments such as “Sure, I do. Don’t be stupid. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Adult children wait, hope, and fret. Time passes. The hope lives, but the question remains unasked and unanswered.
The death of a parent stamps the death certificate with a question mark. The question becomes unanswerable, no matter how many people tell you how much your father praised you in their company.
Such praise is second-hand merchandise and, therefore, of less value. In the counselor’s office, doubt must now be mourned: the unsaid, unknown, possibly unwanted, and uncared-about person who not only misses the parent but will never know what the relationship amounted to with certainty.
If you are a parent, say the words to your child repeatedly. If you are an adult child, consider asking the question. No matter the answer, there will still be time to repair the relationship if the dad is willing. Indeed, your dad might even be grateful to finally open himself to you.
Wynne Leon and Dr. Vicki Atkinson have just released a new podcast with me. We discuss expressions of love, particularly the words “I love you.” I also talk about some personal examples related to friendship and apology, using a few wise words from Aristotle.
I hope you enjoy it: Episode 78: The Blessings & Responsibilities of Friendship with Dr. Gerald Stein
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The top image is Father and Son 27. It is followed by Bert Fields Embracing His Friend Mario Puzo from Heart Times Coffee Cup Studios. Both photos are sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Special thanks to my friends Ron Ableman and Jeff Carren, and a fond farewell to our friend Neil Rosen.
