From the time of cavemen, a male took responsibility for defending the female. Today, the job is shared by the spouses, more or less, depending on the situation.

No longer is the act a simple matter of the male’s superior strength or the woman’s vulnerability when she is pregnant. Ideally, both partners expect to stand up for their mate in the face of an outsider’s insults and criticisms.

Safeguarding children from bullies and teachers who fail to play fair can often be shared. Similarly, taking on disrespectful relatives is not the sole domain of one gender or another.

Too often, however, one partner cedes guarding the fortress to the other, causing disappointment. The partner who faces the challenge discovers that the other can’t or won’t come to his aid. The latter vanishes in the face of conflict. Worse, the mate takes the opposing side, and marriages fall apart.

The sole protector might feel abandoned, unappreciated, and alone. His rage or heartbreak then breaks through to the one he loves. This pattern tends to become tiresome, brutal, or both. The couple’s joint sense of being supported and cared for is ground away, leaving one or both in despair.

Even the defender’s victories foster resentment as he dons his battered shield again. The family’s designated guardian tries to hoist the weight of a world already demanding too much to carry.

Relationships do not typically begin this way. The one inclined to serve as the bulldog is admired by the other, who feels less capable of taking that role and more needy of a bodyguard. The hero is applauded and enjoys the admiration.

With time, appreciation diminishes, and the dependency is resented on both sides. Whatever the task, whether negotiating with a car dealer or arguing with a plumber’s inadequate service, the aftermath includes grating discussions between the formerly loving pair or the silent unhappiness of the one who led the charge alone to put things right on behalf of spouse and children.

The irony of this marital distress is that both parties initially considered the other’s qualities a complement to their own. One wanted a defender, while the other desired hero worship. As Oscar Wilde said, “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it.”

The first step toward solving the growing incompatibility is for both parties to recognize how their “perfect fit” turned into a punishing one. Both individual and couples therapy might be required. The major protector must begin to accept the imperfect effort of the spouse to defend the family if the latter tries to take on the former’s role. At the same time, the acknowledged household defender must assume more of the noncombative, domestic responsibilities, which often amount to more than he is inclined to do.

A therapist is wise to ask the couple what drew them together. If they smile and delight in the memory, treatment has a chance to enlarge the remaining spark of love. However, their personality characteristics might be poorly matched despite once seeming a perfect fit.

Counselors need to recognize that their job is not to save every relationship. Some realize the doctor’s job is to mitigate the damage as the couple’s time together ends.

Magic wands are in short supply.

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The painting above is Warrior 17th Century by Ilya Repin, 1879. It is sourced from Wikiart.org.