A person contemplating divorce often believes that getting rid of his/her partner is all that is needed for a happy life. If you ask him why he is seeking a divorce, he will usually give you a list of his spouse’s shortcomings. This topic typically comes up when he is starting to date again; he will explain to his prospective lady friend that he was the victim of the personality flaws and bad behavior of his spouse.

If you are starting to date such a person, beware! There are very few marriages which fail simply because one person (and only one) behaved badly. Even when most of the blame falls on one side, the spouse still would do well to answer an essential question for himself or herself: if my partner was a “train wreck,” how is it that I picked him in the first place and missed the signs of future trouble?

In other words, if you are divorcing, it’s crucial you know what within you clouded your vision to your partner’s deficits. Your contribution to the marital misfortune is equally significant. Without knowledge of what led you to make a poor choice of a partner, it’s likely you make another flawed choice. And if you are dating someone who has a divorce in his history, it’s going to be important for you to know whether your potential partner is someone who has taken responsibility for his past relationship issues and reformed himself rather than claiming the victim role — the innocent target of the former spouse’s misbehavior.

These issues are important to think about, especially early in a new relationship, before the emotional power of love makes pulling out difficult. Even if you and your new love have never been married, the same questions apply to failed relationships in the past.

• Why did they happen?
• Why did he choose someone like that?
• Why have I chosen the kind of people who have disappointed me in the past?
• What part do I play in relationship problems?

New partners can be exciting. Early on, you will see them only at their best. The sexual spark is likely to be strong. It is best you think about who you are with while your brain is in charge and before your hormones