Spending time alone with our thoughts sounds easy, but isn’t. In my therapy practice, it wasn’t unusual for patients to leave a session — especially early in our relationship — and have difficulty recalling what had been discussed. Once by themselves, the mist of forgetting gripped them.
Many of us use our brains like a piece of white bread on top of a sandwich, covering the indigestible meat of pain. At least, it distracts from the crunching, too-chewy, weighty thing underneath. We don’t want to contemplate but rather cancel ideas, memories, and dystopian futures.
The remarkable author David Foster Wallace (DFW) mentioned the potential anxiety of being alone without switching off the brain. Perhaps we imagine missing out on what friends deem worthwhile activities (so they’d like us to believe). We assume our chums have the favor of other buddies that the stay-at-home souls (you and me) might not possess.
Thinking is difficult, as DFW and others have noted. No one is well-trained in how to do it, instead assuming it flows as a natural gift.
Thinking through, peering into — not over or above the storm — that’s what people don’t want to talk about or wrestle with if those twin ponderings can be avoided.
The Hebrew Bible speaks of such useful wrestling as happened between Jacob and an angel:
The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and everything else that he had.
And Jacob was left alone.
And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.
Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.”
But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
And he said to him, “What is your name?”
And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Genesis 32: 22-32*
Perhaps our angel waits to be found, hoping we will wrestle with the difficulties we try to set beyond our reach. Is deep reading in silence an invitation to such matters? Jacob, after all, sent his family away before the angel appeared.
One of the less elevating uses of visual entertainment occurs when it becomes a stand-in for thoughtfulness and reveals a passive passageway to escape. We dread boredom for its vulnerability to gloom and look for a way to block it out. When added to self-doubt and fears of our future, many of us take flight from ourselves, preferring TV or movies and a focus on the lives of others.
The crowd we belong to tells us what is of value. Without independent ideas, our role becomes one of receiving their borrowed thoughts, like a postal delivery of a puzzle. We open the box and find a large, ill-shaped puzzle piece to fit into ourselves and pretend all is well.
Nor do we believe our episodic sourness is acceptable to the group. They, too, want to persuade themselves their dark times and places are few. The laughter and pleasantness they display are taken by us as the entirety of their lives, suggesting they have mastered human existence as we have not.
We are ambivalent about where we went wrong. We want to find the answer but are afraid to get near it. When did our lives turn? How did we get where we are? Better not to ponder such things.
If the silence of these private ideas cannot be escaped, the lack of satisfying answers screams at us.
Too many people sprint into the night away from the sound when walking toward it might calm the terror. The scream is ours, inescapable until we listen and understand the messages.
Greta Garbo might have been a similarly troubled individual. Her dialogue in the 1932 movie Grand Hotel, “I want to be alone,” told much about her-offscreen existence. Garbo retired early and led a life of astonishing solitude and self-willed isolation. Just before her 60th birthday, she told a friend:
In a few days, it will be the anniversary of the sorrow that never leaves me, that will never leave me for the rest of my life.”
Some of the brightest people avoid serious and lengthy books. True, we have more possible activities available to us than ever. Lives can be swept away by an infinity of choices, all leading to fog and forgetting.
Can avoidance of an 800-page masterpiece be due to its soul-searching challenge beyond the lack of time we claim is the barrier? Does such immensity threaten to overwhelm our capacity and inform us what we are not and what we must do to improve?
To do that requires change and the endurance of strange expressions. The faces offer the wordless attempts of friends to discover why we are reading that. An unsettled feeling follows inside, telling us of the possible loss of our tenuous hold on our spot in the social network.
Part of the difficulty of understanding the best books is that they require courage. Many of us read them and make an inward and automatic declaration that the story’s characters made the kinds of mistakes we’d never make.
Some bravery is needed to realize we are no better, no wiser, and have no more forethought than those characters, real or imagined.
As Kafka said,
A book is like an ax to break the frozen sea within us.
If we are to surpass our current life and the troubles it brings, we can do worse than follow Abraham Lincoln’s words:
The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise — with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves …
Are we prepared to unmake and recreate the person we are?
If we do, one day, for the first time, it’s possible we’d look into the mirror, say hello to whoever has always been there, and smile.
==========
*The painting after David Foster Wallace’s brief comments is Gustav Dore’s Jacob Wrestling with the Angel, sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Is the creature an angel or God? Scholars of different religions are invited to inform me.
It is followed by The Pensive Reader by Mary Cassatt, 1896, sourced from Wikiart.org/
Next comes a 1925 photo by Arnold Genthe of Greta Garbo from History Daily.
The last image is a sculpture of Abraham Lincoln by George Gray Barnard from the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It is sourced from Wikimedia.com/
The Lincoln quotation was part of an annual speech made to the assembled Congress on December 1, 1862. His reference is to the ongoing Civil War.
Very few people will willingly walk into the storm and face the inner shadows, unless it is the only way out. We try to take ant possible way around, trying to find shortcuts, trying to find a less challenging way, for we know innately that if we take up the difficult path, that we will find exhaustion and tears throughout most of that walk.
It is only when we have done most of the work do we start to see and feel the glimmers of the light at the end of that dark tunnel.
It is a fearsome journey, it feels like it will kill us, so we do our best to avoid it, and only steer our minds to face it when all other avenues have been exhausted and there is no other choice.
As we start on this journey, we discover that the negatives hold no real power over us, their power lay in convincing us they did. It is truly liberating to discover the very shadows we feared the most were constructs in our minds, and when faced squarely, they showed themselves to be the house of cards they really are, and like shadows, they can be sent away.
Well said, Tamara. What you offer is hard won knowledge, and the more valuable for that.
Your post touched me deeply, Dr. Stein. So many things you said called to me. I’ve spent many hours facing things inside that needed to be addressed. And yet, it’s not a one and done. In one of his books (can’t remember which one – either Ego is The Enemy or Stillness is The Key), Ryan Holiday talks about needing to sweep certain areas clean every day. That’s where I feel like I am, needing to re-sweep some places. And your post helped me see again that it’s only in the alone time, courageously facing self, where this can occur. Thank you! 🙏
You are welcome, Kendra, and most kind to explain what it means to you. None of us ever finishes sweeping!
Can DID (dissociative identity disorder) be a way to avoid quiet (or rather, traumatic silence)?
I don’t think my brain stops, unless it is sleeping. And even then, perhaps not.
But too much quiet, as in the case of being locked in solitary confinement – either in a psych ward or in prison (felony sentence) or in jail (misdemeanor sentence), can be detrimental to one’s mental health and physiological health. Those who were previously institutionalized, or even those who were POWs, may have experienced the perils of too much quiet. Quiet, then, becomes a traumatic memory.
Perhaps children, too, could experience quiet as traumatic – especially when they were latchkey children, or children of parents with a substance abuse disorder, or simply children with both physiological neglect as well as emotional neglect (emphasis on the emotional neglect). The silence of neglect during ontological stages of development can affect children’s mental health and physiological health. ACE studies and more recent studies on trauma profiles reveal the sequelae of neglect, which includes a particular type of traumatic silence.
Thus, silence can be experienced as a trauma trigger for some.
However, how we’ve learned to cope with traumatic silence (most often caused by a blending of emotional and physical neglect), may be key to determining our own future ways in which we process and tolerate trauma. For some, they avoid silence at all costs through being overly social, or a workaholic, or a substance abuser, or a thrill-seeker, or even a dissociator (as in DID).
And that’s just one perspective of this difficulty processing silence – the trauma perspective.
Apart from trauma, why is it that others without trauma experience difficulty when being in silence? To a trauma survivor, it’s hard to grasp what non-trauma-survivors experience in this regard and other instances.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder) can be many things, Dragon Fly. Alter personalities are created to make the trauma more tolerable and offer the individual a sense that there are protective personalities present to deal with abusers. That said, the internal conversations among the alter personalities, in some cases, get very complicated and have the potential to produce ongoing challenges in life after the abuser is gone, until they establish co-consciousness, make peace with each other, and eventually merge.
As to your last question, Dragon Fly, a number of people find troublesome thoughts emerging when they spend time in silence. That is part of why beginners to mindfulness meditation often quit. Our vulnerabilities and troubles are more likely to pop open when the mind is not otherwise occupied. One doesn’t have to have had traumatic experiences of the scale you have had to find he or she must still grapple with other troubles.
Thank you, Dr. Stein! 🙂
The lockdown during the early pandemic has shown me that I relish a quiet life at home, and I am doing everything I can to maintain this, but it is not easy because of societal pressure. I really prefer not having the obligation of friendship because it is a huge stressor for me, and this is because of my own trauma background. I am friendly and personable, which is an “act” in order to have others like me, so I am caught up in a weird situation where I “act” engaging when I really want to be left alone. I harbor guilt about disappointing others so this keeps me minimally engaged which I resent. It is hard breaking the people pleasing persona…small steps. What will happen when I am left alone in this world after my husband dies…then I will regret not maintaining these pseudo work friendships, but reality is, would anyone of them rally to my side? I do not think so, even though in my people pleasing role, I have gone out of my way for them during their time of need. It is complicated.
Nancy, I hope you are doing okay during this holiday season.
I read your reply twice. I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with trauma in your past. I’m also sorry that you have difficulty with boundaries (as evidenced by when you said you find it “hard breaking the people pleasing persona”). It’s not easy to transition from people-pleasing to self-care, self-respect, and asserting your boundaries and needs through effective communication. It’s even more challenging when people are used to you being in this way, and when you do assert your boundaries, they may not understand initially why you’ve “changed” (even when you really haven’t). It’s also challenging being neurodivergent, as opposed to mainstream “neurotypical” (those who are more extroverted and therefore seen as the status quo of “psychosocial health”). But in reality, there are ways in which your own neurodiversity need not be changed to people-please or society-please or any other form of other-pleasing. For it serves no purpose in meaningful relationships to other-please, when it is fake for you and, on some unspoken (perhaps even unconscious level), fake for others (even if they don’t acknowledge such).
Boundaries, being assertive, using whatever coping skills you can learn from a trained psychotherapist, learning how to break past “avoidance,” and learning the difference between isolation and needing alone time for self-care in order to recharge so that you can communicate and socialize with others – within limits. Many people who are physiologically disabled have limits to how long and often they can socialize – especially those with myalgic encephalomyelitis (otherwise known as “chronic fatigue syndrome”). Some people need more time to recharge than others, and some people may need more boundaries than others, based on their own limitations, personal preferences, needs, etc.
If you love being alone, do you love silence, too? Or do you love being alone, don’t mind silence, but find yourself actively engaged in what you love to do alone – with the “noise” either within your own mind, or the noise that comes from music, the “noise” that stems from reading and imagining (kind of like self-hypnosis), etc.? What kind of “noise” do you like? Conversely, what kind of quiet do you like? What do you appreciate when you are alone? When you are in silence?
And then, conversely, what do you appreciate when you are not alone? When you hear noise? When you are engaged in social situations?
Do you worry about what others will think, say, do? Do you worry how others see you? Have you dealt with traumatic relational loss in the past? Do you find yourself most comfortable in isolation, or in solitude, because of the traumas of relationships in the past? Perhaps not being allowed to be your authentic self growing up? Perhaps not even feeling a sense of self at all? Perhaps finding comfort in silence, because noise reminds you of shouting, arguments, domestic violence, or any other traumatic thing that is the opposite of silence altogether? Perhaps silence or isolation wasn’t traumatizing to you; it was rather an escape, which itself could be ironically traumatic, yet the lesser of two traumas. So you’ve succumbed. Or perhaps you truly enjoy being alone and in silence, and find yourself engaging only when you have to. But you enjoy the hobbies and your husband, whatever you can enjoy, but you imagine a happier you doing something else somewhere else – alone??
These are the thoughts and questions I have after reading your response twice.
I am both introverted and extroverted. I struggled with being locked down in the pandemic, and for self-isolation for almost two years (due to my high-risk status). I still hate being limited, and I hate not having enough energy to socialize. I miss socializing, but my ME/CFS can only tolerate so much before I have to lie down or pass out. I nearly fainted one time, and found myself in the emergency room. So it is more physical for me than it is mental. But I need alone time to recharge.
And yet I’m never alone, due to my brain seemingly “noisy” all the time. I have a dissociative disorder, so I’m never alone. But I feel protected.
I think I had a lot of emotional neglect growing up that I learned to deal with a lack of socialization through dissociation. But that was also a trauma response to physical and psychological harm that I had endured. Different parts of my brain, which is to say different parts of my self, held those traumas so that I wouldn’t go completely crazy. Though I’m very neurodivergent.
I, too, have days where I people-please. And I, too, feel like I’m performing instead of being authentic. Most of the time, however, I’m performing when the person is in a position of power. When a person is not, then I’m my self. I’ve gotten way better at stating my boundaries, but there are times when my assertiveness turns into aggression, and when my boundaries turn into walls. I’m learning the differences, but it’s tough.
My psychotherapist helps me a lot through our own relationship. No matter how upset I get, she is still there and won’t just quit on me. But she also knows that I won’t take advantage of that. She has a level of trust in me, which helps me to have a level of trust back in her. But trust is tough.
It’s tough to fully appreciate the benefits and joy you get when socializing with others without trust, and with traumatic triggers clouding our judgment. It’s tough to figure out what exactly makes us tick, what makes us happy, what we need to truly self-care – especially when our wants and needs as children were denied or grounds for punishment. Childhood trauma is truly challenging, especially when you are now and adult and have to undo all that programming.
I think I’m okay being in silence. What I can’t stand is the tinnitus. So, to mask the tinnitus, I run a ton of air purifiers in my apartment. That serves as white noise for me. The true white noise machines give me a headache, so I can’t use those. But I make my own white noise to help it appear “silent.”
I can’t stand the loneliness silence, however. The kind where you feel all alone and thus vulnerable. I’m okay with being alone and doing things alone. But when the pandemic hit, I felt like I was at risk of being attacked for being Asian, having my home invaded during a lockdown, and not being cared for if I had gotten deathly ill from the coronavirus. People who live alone lack witnesses, and in criminal justice terms, capable guardianship. A lack of capable guardianship increases the opportunity for future victimization. Add to that the complexities of the pandemic and their social distancing warnings, and you have a recipe for worsening mental conditions.
Perhaps for some, it was not as much of a shock factor.
But as people started socializing again (call it Social Darwinism, due to the able-bodied being able to survive Covid, and the high-risk or disabled people being shunned by society and told that their lives don’t matter as much), it made those who were high-risk, immunocompromised, and disabled even more anxious, as their lives were even more at risk without the protective mask requirements indoors. Studies have already been conducted on that. For those who were disabled and who felt they had a chance at finding remote jobs, it felt like all those benefits and opportunities were suddenly gone.
I’m trying to understand multiple perspectives. However, I’m a bit biased because of my own ongoing struggles with this ongoing pandemic that, for me, never ended. I’m not only struggling with silence, but I’m also struggling with being silenced.
Dragon Fly…You are so thoughtful and have put so much work into your response to me. I had a traumatic upbringing from a very dysfunctional family with poverty thrown into the mix and socializing is a stressor because I feel judged and I think I may be an introvert who prefers my quiet life at home. Home is safe from outside stressors. I do people please and have always done this and I am working with a wonderful psychologist and I am making strides. I never would have considered my need to stay at home if it weren’t for him, and I am doing it with occasional visits with friends, but even those occasional visits I wish wouldn’t happen, just another thing I tend to do to so I can put it behind me. No worries about me and the holidays…I have been a Scrooge for years and the best day of the year is December 26th. 😉 Thank you for your support Dragon Fly, and for your thoughtfulness. You sound like a psychologist in your own right!
Thank you for your response, Nancy. And I want to wish you a Happy December 26th! 😉 (As well as a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!)
Trust me when I say that I’m no psychologist or anything of the like; I wouldn’t know how to help someone manage because I’m still struggling myself to manage. I can just simply empathize and see in others what I see in myself at times. I, too, feel safest at home. I feel most relaxed after a holiday, a test day, a medical exam, an in-person appointment, and even a social outing. I can’t wait to recover from CFS/ME PEM after those days, which usually takes me about two days to get back to baseline. And even my baseline is very fatigued. But when I can get back to my home routine, including some of my unfinished home projects, I feel most at home. I don’t like feeling lonely, as I do like connecting with others. But it is exhausting for me to go out – even before the pandemic. Now that I have this “new norm” of putting on PPE every single time I leave my apartment, and then showering every single time I return and am in for the day, it’s even more dreadful, LOL.
I’m glad you have a good psychotherapist! We’re all on this journey, and somehow our paths crossed – albeit online, but that still counts. You don’t have to prove yourself with me. But I get the feeling judged part.
I was really hurt by a church that judged me for years. It took me years to leave and finally find my peace with that kind of separation. And then growing up with constant judgment from family made my adult endeavors that much harder. Our home is finally safe, now that we’re all grown up and out of our childhood homes. School used to be an escape for me, until bullies and other judgmental people abused me on the playground. I didn’t feel safe anywhere. But at least I found peace now inside the comforts of my home.
I think I’m one of the few who actually shielded-in-place for a little over two years during this pandemic. I rarely went out. I used to do contactless door deliveries and then waited 5 to 15 minutes for the delivery person to leave before actually opening my door – masked still and all. I would avoid neighbors, and I never socialized. Only recently this year, after all the boosters, have I begun socializing a little – but outdoors only. I have seen my therapist in person a few times these past couple of months only. The pandemic has worsened my ability to socialize. I even had trouble adjusting to sounds and the bright lights outside, since I was so used to being holed up inside my apartment for nearly 2 years on my self-inflicted lockdown. And prior to this pandemic, I spent most of my days bedbound or housebound because of CFS/ME PEM. I craved some closeness and socialization, but on my own terms and for short bits at a time. I found myself unable to hang out for hours at a time or travel farther than a few miles from my home. I never ever wanted to rely on a ride to and from, as I didn’t want to feel trapped and stuck. If I didn’t have money to hang, I simply didn’t – regardless if others would comp me.
I, too, grew up in poverty. Most of my clothes growing up came from thrift stores. My sister’s head and hair was infested by something caused by rats that were near her sleeping area. I wasn’t the best older sister to her, as our parents pinned us against one another. We’re estranged to this day, no matter how many times we’ve tried to reconcile. It’s painful.
I think I get what you said because I have a similar upbringing, and also similar reactions. The only difference is that I can sometimes feel joy from social interactions, and I can occasionally feel my energy increase when I’m among trustworthy company that I’ve bonded to over the years. But it takes me forever to bond with someone – like probably a decade or more. I’ve lost many friends (or rather acquaintances) because of my inability to socialize on their terms. I get the not wanting to feel judged. I think I got so used to being judged that I’m less afraid of that and more afraid of its worsened cousin: bigotry (including microaggressions and hate). That made me more fearful during the pandemic. But all of those things stem from judgment, to one degree or another. Judgement sucks.
There were many times I socialized online with complete strangers on some support group that I’d join for a very short time before I’d quit or get kicked off. Many times, we felt loads better the day AFTER any holiday. We spent the holidays alone and online, telling one another how we felt and trying to play those online word games with one another to pass the time. All the while, betrayal trauma or this deep sense of feeing different and despised by mainstream society lingered in the back of our brain, as if a storm were headed. The tempest, we feared, would lead to endless crying. So we avoided feeling and expressing feelings altogether. We shared our thoughts online, which would then turn into complete numbness. We’d giggle through emojis, and we’d feel no remorse when we were too exhausted to engage online any further. We weren’t in any chat or room, so we could log off whenever and come back on whenever – without having to explain or apologize. (Well, sometimes we had to explain when someone was in need of your help or company, but they would understand when you needed to go. Oftentimes, they would need to go first, which made things easier.)
Anyway, I’m so sorry (again) for all that you went through growing up. I’m sorry that it has affected your life. I’m glad you are able to find peace at home though. I just hope you can find joy as well.
🙂
Dragon Fly….Please forgive me for my late response! Word Press does not notify me of any responses, comments, etc, even though I have allowed this in my settings, so when this happens in the future, please know I am not ignoring you. I googled CFS/ME PEM and my heart goes out to you for having to live with this illness! To fight varying degrees of fatigue and even being so exhausted it would cause someone to have to recover in bed, must be absolutely horrible! It sounds like you are coping with this and are doing everything you can to manage your illness, along with keeping yourself safe from Covid and all of the viruses that are circulating this country currently.
Even introverts crave closeness and socialization, but it may be of varying degrees depending upon the person. I have a few former work friends and two of them I see every three months, which is perfect for me, and the other craves more from me which causes me guilt and anxiety. If I were alone, I would probably be open to fulfilling that need for her, but since my husband and I enjoy spending our time together, I feel pressured to accommodate her. This is where therapy comes in and is helpful with navigating this, and my other OCD brain hijacks.
I am sorry you also had a difficult upbringing and that you are estranged from your sister. Sometimes old wounds run so deep a repair is unattainable. It is hard to connect with others as we get older. Growing up we were all thrown together in school where we had more of an ability to meet others, but the closeness of those friendships are hard to have as adults. I am also sorry to read that you have experienced bigotry, especially during this pandemic. Bigotry comes from small-mindedness and the hate and aggression that is projected onto others comes from this place. I have family who are Asian and have dealt with this since being adopted into this country, and it is awful for them.
Thank you, Dragon Fly for your very thoughtful and open responses to me. I admire your courage and your intellect…don’t sell yourself short, you are a smart woman!
Thank you, Nancy! By the way, I don’t always get notified when people respond to me either. So no worries.
I wrote a lot below, and I stopped my train of thought here. I’ll keep what I typed below, but the “tl;dr” (“too long; didn’t read”) of it is that I think I can relate to you, and I might also have OCD, but that which was brought on by the pandemic. My therapist has suggested that I have OCD tendencies, but she hasn’t yet fully diagnosed me with it. I do have intrusive thoughts, but it’s hard to tell if they are trauma-related or pandemic-related.
Here’s the longer version:
I sometimes remember to log back in and check the comments, and other times I completely forget. For a while there, the Internet triggered me. So I spent many months just quickly reading headlines and then logging off completely. I avoided even WordPress for a while. So I feel bad for that and possibly letting some people down.
My therapist says that I have OCD-like tendencies, but I don’t know if I have the actual diagnosis. I do have intrusive thoughts, but many of those are from PTSD. I do have social anxiety, but not enough for the diagnosis of that, since I think I struggle more with racial trauma than social anxiety. I have made it a strong point to prioritize my going outside of my apartment for essentials. Some of those essentials might include socializing outside only – but on occasion, not every week. And when I do, I social distance as much as possible, and I always wear masks and gloves, though if it’s summertime, I’ll remove my mask outside only – and only if I can be six feet away from one friend (not more than one). Otherwise, in a crowd of, say, veterans, when we’re walking, I tend to wear a mask.
I shower whenever I return home. I followed what advice was given to ICU nurses during the beginning of the pandemic. Whatever they would do when they returned home, I would do: (a) strip, (b) throw my clothing into the laundry, (c) shower, (d) put on a fresh pair of clothing before going into my home. Because of my CFS/ME, I couldn’t always have the energy to wash surfaces, and I couldn’t shop in stores to get disinfectants (they weren’t available through contactless delivery). So I did the “quarantine” thing or used single-use washcloths to open cupboards, closet doors, etc. I also dried my hands with single-use washcloths. Thank goodness for in-apartment washer and dryer features. I can do laundry anytime, and I often wash my single-use washcloths. I still follow this practice to this day, to avoid all viruses and bacteria, not just the coronavirus. I’ve never done any of this before the pandemic. It’s a routine I feel comfortable with. And when I have energy to clean surfaces today with disinfectant, I do so about once a week to once a month. I do, however, clean and wipe down surfaces with soap and water or with general cleaner whenever I have the energy. I sadly mop about once a month, as opposed to daily. I’m so exhausted every day, and I don’t go outside every day. I may go outside of my apartment every other day now. At the beginning of the pandemic, I only left my apartment once to twice a week – and only to get mail and packages or contactless door deliveries. I used to even wear goggles over my glasses, as well as a beanie to cover my hair from pathogens. Since the vaccines in 2021, I abandoned the goggles and beanie – in summertime, no less. But I will put them on again if surges and crisis standards occur again.
I think I have pandemic-related OCD.
Inside my apartment, I don’t wear gloves or masks, unless I’m cleaning my 7 large air purifiers.
Prior to the pandemic, I just avoided social stress of any kind. I wasn’t afraid of it or pressured by it, and I wasn’t anxious per se. I used to enjoy socializing. But I hated experiencing PEM (post-exertional malaise) from CFS/ME afterward. So enough negative reinforcement over time caused me to limit my socialization so that I wouldn’t crash from fatigue the next day or two. But I’d get exhausted just reading news or cleaning my apartment, too. So I had to learn to just pace it and add small things as I got better, and then take them away if I noticed myself getting worse. There’s no conventional treatment for CFS/ME other than for us to pace ourselves and be aware of our energy and stress levels. I had to deal with that before the pandemic, but the pandemic just worsened it.
My tinnitus makes it impossible for me to be in silence. I wish I had silence, but I think deep inside I’m also afraid of it. I struggle with loneliness, but I could be among a crowd of likeable friends and still feel lonely. I don’t know what that is exactly.
Isn’t tinnitus awful? I also have that constant high ringing in both ears, which was foolishly brought on upon myself by listening to loud music through my headphones. A lifetime of this until I became older and realized how dumb this was.
If someone has OCD tendencies, I certainly can see the pandemic bringing this to the forefront. Those were terrifying times, and when the lockdown first started, my husband and I would go for walks down our well-traveled and busy small city streets, and nary a car nor soul were visible during the bright sunny afternoon. People were wiping down their groceries, food was scarce on the grocery shelves, toilet paper was a hot commodity, and people were dying in the hotspots here and around the world. This was enough to force people to consider any contact with people, surfaces, and activities outside of the home. Luckily you have your own washer and dryer which is a great convenience inside of an apartment. Hopefully, Covid will start to simmer down, along with the other viruses. You have managed this well the best way that you could and have protected your health. You have followed Dr. Fauci’s instructions and won! You are even managing your CFS/ME, Dragon Fly. You are a smart and strong woman who has dealt with a lot, and you have come out ahead in spite of this. This shows your bravery, intelligence, and wisdom….you are a success. 😊
Thank you, Nancy!
I’m sorry you have tinnitus, too. Honestly, I don’t know if my tinnitus is from faulty earplugs in the military (while shooting at the rifle range), from prior police reserve academy training in their gun range (we shot 9mm’s and shotguns; I was only POST certified, but I never was an actual officer; I was a cadet serving parking tickets for a college campus, however). (PS: I believe in gun control and strict background checks, and I don’t own any weapons because I believe there are other ways to defend oneself, and because any weapon can be used against you – especially when you’re not trained or haven’t trained consistently).
For what it is worth, I also listened to a lot of loud music growing up, though I didn’t use headphones until much later. I wouldn’t blast it though. But as a child I blasted my boom box. My tinnitus began somewhere in my mid-20s and progressively got worse. I didn’t notice it much until it worsened in my early 40s. I’m now in my late-40s. I have no idea where it comes from. It drives me nuts sometimes – like now, because I had to clean out my only white noise machines (air purifiers), which don’t get turned back on until tomorrow. So I hear the periodic ringing and the static or whatever it is that I can’t describe.
I understand your statement, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m finding out more as we age that we start reflecting back on all the mistakes we made, and how we wound up dealing with aging issues later. I now understood “old people’s” statement, “If only I knew then what I know now….” I am now saying that all the time to myself. I also wish I would have taken better care of myself, and I wish I had made different choices. But then again, there were some good and exciting memories in my past – some that not many people have experienced, so I can’t complaint too much. Still, all of my (pipe) dreams died with my mental illnesses coming alive. So here I am – disabled.
I’m in Idaho, so I’m not sure if Covid will ever simmer down here, LOL. Our test positivity has remained high, but the state’s local stats refer us to the CDC for their stats instead. The CDC shows that my area is “high” within my county. No one masks around here except for me, which makes it more dangerous. And I live in an apartment, so I wind up having to wear a mask to avoid catching my neighbors’ illnesses. If I lived in a house, I wouldn’t need to wear a mask while opening my front door, unless a stranger were in front of it. But then there would be my PTSD fears of “home invasion” or the like if I lived in a house. So I opt for a little more security as a single gal in an apartment and surrounded by other potential witnesses and “helpers.” My PTSD has limited me – a. lot!
I just want to survive this phase and hope that there will be a cure for CFS/ME in the future.
Hang in there, Dragon Fly…hopefully this virus will eventually Peter out, and you will be able to reenter society. I wear my mask also, but thankfully I am not the only masked one in the grocery stores. We may not be the majority, but we are not an anomaly either. I also agree with your gun stance, and admire it since you have been weapon trained in the military and police force. As far as the tinnitus, I am aware the sound is related to impulses to the brain from the ear, and this must be why there isn’t any cure, only antidepressants if we are unable to cope, or a type of gadget that emits white noise into the ears in order to block the sound of tinnitus.
I hope you will not be effected by the upcoming blizzard that will affect much of the country, it will be heavy rain for us, but I hope you will have a sense of peace over the holiday weekend. It is only a day and a half and then it is done, and the fantasy this holiday conjures in our minds about the happy holiday “everyone” is experiencing is just that…a fantasy. Most adults just try to survive the day and are thrilled when it is over. Enjoy your nice warm apartment, and settle into it. Until next time! 😊
I’m okay with blizzards, as long as I’m inside, the heat and electricity are working, and my loved ones are all safe.
I’m going out tomorrow to hand out Christmas gifts to a friend and to my psychotherapist. I see my psychotherapist online, but I will meet her in person to hand her gifts. I attempted to giftwrap and decorate the giftwrapping. I suck at the actual wrapping part, but I loved buying small pinecone ornaments, jingle bells, and red bows to add to the jute I used around plain brown wrapping paper. I tried to make the gifts appear ancient or nostalgic. It was a fun attempt, but I’m totally no gift wrapper. I wear double masks whenever I see anyone in person, so I will remain relatively safe. I also ask that they mask around me. I can’t always do that with delivery drivers or postal workers (they never mask around here), but I do so with people I meet in their vehicles or at their offices. So, I still get out. But I only do so seldomly.
I hope you will be safe during the blizzard and these “tridemic” surges in respiratory viruses. Our local hospital announced in the newspaper that they are near capacity and may need to revert back to crisis standards of care (yet again), but this time for a new crisis standard for children (they only had one for adults). That may still affect adults, but their criteria can’t be based on age as a factor, since children’s ages differ vastly in terms of who is likely to survive. It’s sad when they have to ration care based on criteria like that, as well as other criteria. It seems rather biased to me, and scary for those who aren’t in good health to begin with. Despite all these announcements, less than 1% of our population are wearing masks. And masks are better at preventing illness and disease than vaccinations (which only prevents hospitalization and death for the non-risk persons; at-risk, high-risk, and immunocompromised persons are still able to get severely ill, despite being vaccinated). Dosage matters, so reducing the amount of virus by adding layered protection truly does help. Even if someone got the virus, and that someone had distanced, masked, cleaned, and vaccinated, their risk of severe illness is highly decreased because the dosage of virus inhaled or acquired remained low. That’s what the data say, but it’s not made news at all since no one wants to hear it. So far, I’ve been relatively lucky and yet wise for not getting Covid at all. My neighbors got it, but I didn’t. Providers at the VA hospital got it, but I didn’t (such providers don’t always wear their masks when dining indoors, when going inside buildings outside of work hours). I once had a scratchy throat, but still tested negative for Covid. My providers at the VA were worried because they know that I’m one of those extremely highly unlikely people to get Covid, so they are shocked if I even get as much as a sniffle or a scratchy throat. My throat issues have to do with my GERD, and my GI tract is all messed up. I’m scheduled for an upper and lower endoscopy in March or April. GI problems run in my family, so I’m dealing with that.
But I’m hanging in there. Instead of going out like everyone has, I decided to give gifts and generously tip my USPS mail lady, the UPS guy, and the FedEx guy – all regulars whom I know by name, and they all know me. I gave them $100 each for Christmas. Without them, I’d starve or worse. 99% of my household goods come from package deliveries. All of my VA medications and recreation supplies come from package deliveries. So I truly appreciate what they do, and how friendly they are! The mail lady would sometimes see me walking down the street and wave hi to me, which is nice. She got injured for a while, so I was wondering what happened to her. She has workman’s comp, but thankfully was able to heal enough to return to work. She said she loves her job, though sometimes her job gets tough and causes injuries.
So, instead of going out and socializing in bars or via travel, I socialize in my own unique ways locally. I’ve never been as personable with mail and package carriers as I have during this pandemic. I’ve learned about their life stories and families just talking with them (masked, of course), and how tough their jobs get at times. It’s kind of a small town where I live, even though it is growing. It’s so different from bigger city life.
I do sometimes get food from the bar and grill on our first level floor, or at the local pizza place. But I bring it home, shower, and then eat it at home – alone. I also sometimes go to Trader Joe’s or the local Bodega. They are within a few blocks from my home. But I only do the above like once every two or three months. I save a lot of money by eating at home. Soon, I will attempt to learn to cook in a healthy way. I want to prevent diabetes, and I will eventually join the VA’s MOVE program. So I have some goals. I socialize online with veterans or on certain YouTube live sites. I socialize online here, too. I sometimes grab coffee while sitting outdoors in the freezing cold or blazing sun with a local friend, but that is rare. She has a husband and two kids, so she doesn’t get out much because she’s being cautious. She wears masks, is vaccinated, and so far hasn’t gotten Covid either (despite them traveling a lot as a family). Their “pod” works for them. I’m kind of outside of their “safety pod,” but I’m still a safe person to them for short visits.
I just have to stay indoors whenever “hate” rises in our area from extremists groups, or from threats from political groups. It is then when I worry about my physical safety. But I’m doing what I can to navigate the pandemic era, which has never ended for me (a high-risk person). To me, it’s easier dealing with dodging covid than it is anti-Asian hate. I’ve had to deal with that at times, which is worse to me. That “pandemic” hasn’t ended for me either.
Oh Dragon Fly….You are a kind and generous person and possibly the only person in Idaho who has tipped the postal, UPS and FedEx delivery person so well! I bet they were amazed and grateful, and I doubt they receive many tips from their customers. I also do not think UPS and FedEx pay their employees well. I was surprised to learn that FedEx pays $20 for an hourly wage.
I am glad you are able to have so many services delivered to your home, what a convenience! My uncle was a veteran and received services from them and they provided for him for the rest of his life. (WW 2) I also have a faulty GI track and was told it could be because of trauma and internalizing everything. Glad you are having it checked, and you do take good care of yourself! I live in Connecticut and most people in my area do not wear masks either, but I do not think it is political for most of them, though we are surrounded by rural and there it would definitely be for political reasons. I understand your fear of racist attacks and people of Asian descent have bore the brunt of nastiness and hate after this pandemic started. This is unfair because this or any virus can start wherever the conditions are right, the stew of germs and viruses that hatch the perfect virus to infect the world. The “Spanish” flu of 1918 did not hatch there, and it is believed that it may have started on a pig farm in the Midwestern U.S. Another perfect stew for a virus to thrive. Poor Spain was saddled with the name because they were the ones who discovered the virus after it showed-up there.
I hope you can have a peaceful Christmas Day and it will be here and gone before we know it. It is just a day unlike any other day…a day with an unusual amount of focus which screws with the minds of most people and causes an enormous amount of stress and angst. I wish you well with the day and I look forward to Monday, because it will be over. I am not suffering, I am only a Scrooge who sees reality and the suffering of others. Life is not The Hallmark Channel, nor is it the Waltons, (dating myself) nor any of the other fantasy Christmas shows that plague the television. Godspeed, Dragon Fly….you can do this!
Thank you, Nancy! I hope you have a peaceful Christmas Day, too! (I remember the Waltons! – I’m in my late-40s.)
Yeah, the postal workers don’t always get paid much. One FedEx person was anonymously on a support group stating that he as a driver has to not have any mental health conditions, or he would lose his job. He was depressed and couldn’t seek mental health care out of fear of him losing his job, which is a similar concern among those holding security clearance jobs or law enforcement jobs. Although those rules are meant to protect the public, it does little to promote mental health, and does more to create more stigma for mental illness and related symptoms. Alternatively, if they promoted the idea that being monitored and treated while learning to manage your symptoms would help you keep your job (as opposed to the fear of losing it), then that would help these people seek treatment.
Then there’s this notion of the difference between Federal Workman’s Compensation and the normal (local) Workman’s Compensation. One local postal worker here didn’t get all of her medical expenses paid, which was related to her on-the-job injury. So not only do postal workers work under harsh conditions, but they aren’t as protected by OTJ injuries either.
So after having conversations online nationally as well as in-person locally, I realized how much more gratitude I have toward those who safely deliver our vaccinations, our PPE, our food, our baby formula, necessities to disabled and immunocompromised populations, necessities to the elderly, and sensitive materials to businesses! I’m hoping that more and more people gift and tip their regular postal workers.
When I quit smoking in 2020, and when I learned to eat at home 99% of the time, I realized how much money I was saving. I also decided to sell and/or donate my living room furniture so that I could eliminate my storage costs and just treat my living room as a storage area. I saved money there, too. I don’t have any guests over at my home, as I live alone. So there’s no need for anything fancy in my living room. I made it work and still look somewhat cute in my living room.
All of the money I saved went to Christmas presents this year and last year. I kind of overdid it this year, but I will eventually pay off my credit cards and become debt free by next year – 2023. I have a plan. I just need to survive this pandemic and keep my medical expenses down. People don’t realize that masking, air filtering, hand washing, physical distancing, and surface disinfecting are not just about avoiding hospitalizations and death, but also about avoiding unnecessary doctor bills, potential medevac bills when crisis standards go into effect, lost time from work which means lost wages, children’s illnesses that could also mean lost time from work and lost wages, and the many things that the poor, the working class, the lower-end of the middle class, and those on fixed incomes (the elderly, the disabled) cannot afford. So for many people who are not even immunocompromised or high-risk, taking precautions during surges and flu seasons truly help to prevent unnecessary incidentals. The rich and upper-middle-class may be privileged to take such risks and simply call it “a mild flu” or “a cold,” but their taking time off from work (though still costly) won’t mean them having to choose between food and medications, late fees on bills, added stress from financial problems, or having to file bankruptcy when >100,000 of medical debts pile up. Few news articles have reported that, but it is a sad reality that many Americans are facing because of disinformation and misinformation campaigns. Those are things I consider during the holidays, when respiratory viruses can upend people’s lives!
And then I say a prayer for Ukraine and other parts of thew world that continue to fight wars for their freedom and for their need for democracy. I also consider those families who have lost loved ones this year, including those who died from or with Covid-19, those who were victims of shootings or other crimes, those who died by suicide, those who died in hurricanes or other natural disasters, those who recently died from not having enough heat or being caught up in a winter storm, etc. I also feel for those who are now homeless because there aren’t any more pandemic-related protections on their rents or mortgages, and those who have lost their careers and even identities because they are now permanently disabled from long-covid and/or covid complications. Prolonged grief for all of theses losses – conventional and otherwise – is traumatic.
So, if I can do some small things to help just a few local people in my local community, I feel as though that also helps reduce trauma and spread love. Our world needs love. Love truly heals.
Wow! Dragon Fly, you are an amazing, well-educated woman, who puts words into action! Your knowledge and ethics are impressive, and I see you as someone who could work as an advocate for the disadvantaged and marginalized people. You have so much to offer others and you would be a great resource. You’d be a great veterans advocate, maybe working with the homeless veterans in helping them with entitlements and housing. You would be great with the elderly who often have no one to be their voice, you’d be great with the poor people who receive mental health services who certainly do need the assistance of an advocate, you would also do wonders with the teenagers and young adults, who face bullying and racism or whatever “ism“ they are facing. You are young and maybe when this pandemic eases, this is something you could consider? Just a thought because you are an untapped reservoir of knowledge and compassion.
Thank you, once again, Nancy! You flatter me, for both calling me “young” (even though I’m in my late-40s and quite disabled), as well as for your encouragement about who I am.
Although passionate, I do suffer from both mental illness as well as physical illness. Those two things combined make it impossible for me to socialize the way I need to – reputational losses and all – in order to advocate. Advocacy has become highly political, insofar that ad hominem attacks are the norm, and anyone with any tainted past history will not only remain unforgiven, but will also become a future smear campaign against that which a “tainted person” is advocating for.
And even in the helping fields, when I earned straight-As and published my honors thesis, I still was shunned by those who discriminated against the mentally ill, the disabled, the middle-aged nontraditional student, the multi-race Asian, the obese, the short, the neurodivergent, and the “leftist.” The mentor I last had, who didn’t work out, was in a helping field (not in advocacy), and was an outspoken republican. He knew I struggled with a plethora of minority statuses, and yet he subtly used microaggressions against me. The paucity of resources that I had weren’t enough to help me find a different mentor within the same field or even an adjacent one. I had to quit, for my own sanity. I tried to find a new direction, but to academia, it’s too late for me.
And then the pandemic hit. That worsened my opportunities for healing, upward mobility, rehabilitation, graduate school, and a career in helping and advocacy. Anti-Asian hate made it impossible for me to gain any recognition as an underprivileged person who is accused of the “model minority myth” wherever I go, or accused of being a foreigner who just needs to “Go back to China!” Or accused of being a virus, of being a drain on America’s economy as a disabled person, as being a person who stole the place of a younger student (lots of ageism in my former college) whenever I won awards and scholarships, etc. To have my life threatened physically also brought back a ton of trauma triggers, thus worsening my PTSD and dissociative disorders, along with my worsened depression and anxiety. Further, my health deteriorated, as I had to drastically isolate myself, eat not so healthy foods, and get gaslit by many doctors who still think that Asians fare better (they’re not, but their rates of death, when the research power is there among the data for that group and multi-racial Asian groups, reveal that they die from Covid in higher numbers than the other populations). Dealing with being coughed on and laughed at whenever I walk into a coffee shop or store alone (and not with a masked white person with me) meant that I had to deal with reputational loss, shame, hate, microaggressions, and risk of getting ill if they coughed any virus on me. This just happened to me last week when I wanted to order a chai latte to go (I still never dine inside any restaurants or otherwise; I always take it outside or direct to my apartment).
To be an advocate means that you need a ton of support from a network of people, including mentors in higher education. When institutional racism, ageism, and ableism are all against you in those higher education spaces, your chances at achieving those dreams are gone. The best you can do is volunteer for some advocate or politician, but hope that your helping them will promote the same things you fight for. I don’t always agree with all the leftists or democrats or progressives out there, as many of them still see in black-and-white terms when it comes to racism, as opposed to also including Asians, multi-race individuals, and Jewish people as victims of racism, victims of white supremacy, victims of Christian nationalism, victims of white nationalism, and victims of any other hate group that exists in our country or the world. And even then, you can’t get all Asians, multi-race Asians, or other non-white groups to agree on the definition of racism, on the definition of oppression, of the definition or use of victimization, even though criminal justice (a field I’ve studied and lived through) utilizes those terms in both the courts and their justice systems to obtain justice for victims of hate, which can include racism, but it can also include religion, age, and disability as well. One victim’s form of trauma should not be compared to or minimized by another victim’s form of trauma. Asians are not monolithic, and Asians suffer their own form of racial trauma, xenophobia victimization, etc. Multi-race Asians also suffer from their own forms of racial trauma from both Asians and non-Asians, so that adds to the complexity of the multi-race Asian, which I identify as. So, even many progressive groups, democratic groups, and otherwise non-democratic leftist liberal or non-liberal leftist groups cannot agree on what justice looks like for racial trauma when they can’t agree on the definition of racism. So trying to advocate for certain groups that remain unheard is nearly impossible for a person like me who deals with a multitude of intersectional minority issues – by race, by mental illness, by physical illness, by age, by weight, by height, by agnostic beliefs (non-religious), by gender (I’m a cis-female/woman), by orientation (I’m “asexual”), by pronouns (I go by many pronouns, including we, us, they, them, I, me, my, our, whatever – since I can’t remember the term properly, but mostly because of my mental disorder). All of these things literally prevent me from being an advocate – educated or uneducated, etc. I’d risk being physically, sexually, and/or verbally harmed should I choose to do so within a “red” area, which is where I currently reside. Sadly, I don’t have many allies, though I have acquaintances and local friends who “understand.” But understanding is not the same as agreeing, nor is it the same as being an ally. I lack that, as many people in my position do, because we’re small in percentage compared to other minorities who get their voices heard and amplified. I’m still invisible.
So that’s my lament, which I’m hoping will help others who are in a similar boat as I am to feel less alone. My only way to advocate right now is as an invisible person commenting here and there online – in spaces where no one can see my name, see my Asianness, see my obesity, see my disability, etc. If I had more support, I’d surely advocate more in real life, and I’d have a better chance at rehabilitation toward a career in that. But my disabilities still prevent me from even doing part-time work now, let alone going to grad school for that. I now have brain fog, concentration problems, and this horrible fatigue to deal with. And even those symptoms are often medically gaslit by the medical field as well as mainstream society, despite empirical evidence showing that it’s not psychological/individual choice (it’s biological/physiological). So I’m not strong enough to fight all those battles. I’m only strong enough to voice my frustrations, my laments, and the information I’ve read up on for my own survival (and others like me).
I fear that the world has become more narcissistic and sociopathic and selfish, as evidenced by their lack of masking, vaccinating, physical distancing, indoor air quality improvements, and surface cleaning (which does help prevent many things outside of covid). They just don’t care anymore; they only care for themselves, their “freedoms,” and their able-bodied lifestyles. Perhaps this is my “bias” as a minority, but it’s also my lament as a person who is trying not to get killed off by many preventable viruses and other pathogens. My disabilities are NOT my fault, and my obesity isn’t my fault either. I have many comorbidities that caused my obesity, and it’s not something that can just go away with exercise. My mobility problems also prevent me from exercising, which makes it worse. So there’s a lot of things that hold me back from even self-improvement so that I can advocate for others.
I doubt that this pandemic will end. I think it will worsen to the point of a civil war, but that’s just me. I’m kind of losing hope when even democrats and liberals stop masking and vaccinating.
It is sad to read how the state of our country is effecting you personally, and how people’s reaction to you is causing you pain. You are right, others can say they understand, but no one can quite grasp your situation unless they walk in your shoes. I feel badly that you have been unable to follow your dreams and I wish I had magic words of wisdom, but I do not. You are smart, kind and thoughtful and I hope you continue to advocate for yourself, and I have a sense you will.
I am heading off in another direction so I am ending this thread. It has been a pleasure chatting with you Dragon Fly, and my wish for you is a happy and very healthy New Year as you certainly deserve it! Take care.
By the way, Nancy, thank you so much for your kind replies. I forgot to mention that in my last reply. It means a lot! 🙂
I learn so much from reading through everyone’s replies on Dr. Stein’s blog, and of course from Dr. Stein’s blog and his replies to us. He’s so intelligent and wise – and kind!
Dragon Fly….Kindness flows both ways and I can sense your depth and wonderfulness, and of course Dr. Stein. He thinks he retired from his practice, but little does he know he is still working except it is here, and we are his flock😉 We are lucky to have him.
I agree 100% with what you said – that Dr. Stein helps us a lot on his blog, and that we are “lucky to have him.” He may have retired, but his work isn’t done. 🙂
Thank you, Dragon Fly!
Thank you, Nancy!
Predicting whether people will rally to our side is one of those things one doesn’t know until the event happens. The various reactions to the last POTUS by our politicians demonstrates that, I think.
The “act” you describe, Nancy, suggests being with most people sucks the life out of you. No wonder you want to limit your contacts with them. There is hope, however, that once you become more comfortable with the person in your mirror, you might have more authentic and uplifting contacts with people. There is still time for that. I’m rooting for you!
Thank you Dr. Stein…you are a good man and I hope you can enjoy the holiday season!
“Spending time alone with our thoughts sounds easy, but isn’t.” Ha! Surely the understatement of the year!
“Round, like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel,
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel,
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!”
That is where sitting in the silence gets me. Like Poe, if I remain too much in my head, I feel like I will lose my mind. That “passive passageway to escape” is a necessity for sanity.
Without a doubt, Brewdun. The apparent necessity drives one to escape or distract. It waits for another way. As Tamara suggests, finding other alternatives is difficult but possible.
Escape or distract from what? From the circular thoughts that lead nowhere at best or spiral down to some darker place or from some truth your mind refuses to see or acknowledge?
In the language of fencing, you have responded with an excellent riposte, Brewdun! If the world is only composed of darkness and distraction from it, then there is only one good choice. It is possible, however, that one’s actions within the human world may yet find light and laughter. Some are sustained by this hope and others find many moments worth living for despite all the world’s messiness.
You might watch the old Ronald Colman version of “Lost Horizon.” I am always moved by the last words of the film — the toast proposed by the Englishman who searched and failed to find Robert Conway (the character played by Colman). I can’t think of a better expression of a hope for this world that might sustain us.
Thank you for this.
As incredible an author and deep thinker as David Foster Wallace was, in the end, he committed suicide. All of his time spent in his head, resulted in “the invisible agony reaching that unendurable level” where he had to make a final, non-reversible escape. Very sad!
He did. It is my understanding, however, that his suicide was a result of needing to go off his meds temporarily. When he restarted, they had lost their effectiveness.
In any case, he was enormously productive — not someone who lived mostly in his head. To his credit, however, he did see the world as a place full of complications. A great loss.
Happy Holidays, Brewdun! I love Poe, but I haven’t memorized his short stories, etc. Which of his stories are you quoting?
Even though I’m at home alone most days, I’m not silent. And like Dr. Stein mentioned earlier in a comment, it’s hard for some (myself included) to practice meditation. You would think silence would bring about comfort and relaxation, but to me it makes my thoughts and intrusions worse!
Anyway, reading stories like Poe’s is validating to me. I can hear his struggle in the many stories he wrote. One of my favorites is “The Cask of Amontillado.”
I don’t read much, but I plan to soon. This time around, however, I’m trying to figure out what the “Elf on the Shelf” is all about, so that will be books that I’ll read on Christmas Eve.
Thanks for your inspirational and uplifting comments, by the way. I’m not where you’re at, but I’m glad that you are! It shows us that maybe it is possible for us, too. 🙂
So many things in this post sing to me…none more so than these two segments:
“We are ambivalent about where we went wrong. We want to find the answer but are afraid to get near it. ”
“Too many people sprint into the night away from the sound when walking toward it might calm the terror. The scream is ours, inescapable until we listen and understand the messages.”
I’ve found that awareness alone does little to motivate…hefty amounts of courage, coupled with a supportive network can make all the difference. Examining and understanding the solitary journey of self-discovery…which CAN lead to healing… is like watching grace in action.
Thank you so much for your post, Dr. Stein!
Yes – such a deep and interesting post. But adding on to what Vicki says about a supportive network – I have to agree. I’ve found being around people who are willing to do their own work and to look carefully at the depth of life to be one of the biggest inspirations, motivations and comforts to me for doing the same.
And as such, I’m so grateful to people like you two, Dr. Stein and Vicki, for being a part of my journey. You are always driving more awareness which then becomes less and less of a scary thing the more it’s faced. Thank you!
Thank you, Wynne, on many levels.
You are welcome, Victoria. You and Tamara affirm what is possible, thereby serving as an encouraging model for others. Your voices are essential here.
Sending gratitude and big hugs! Thank you for creating the forum.
Thank you, Victoria!
A very thought-provoking post, Dr. Stein. Thinking has never been difficult for me. On the contrary, I’ve often been criticized for “thinking too much.” For me, thinking and reading diverse books go hand-in-hand. How else can we navigate this ever-growing complex world that we live in if we don’t know what we’re up against? While I’ve found my own escape mechanisms (I enjoy watching movies) when faced with life’s challenges, I believe that my/our survival depends upon examining the boulders in one’s path and finding solutions to adapt to or surmount them.
Thank you, Rosaliene. I’m not surprised that you have been described as a thinker, which is needed in my book. Sounds like the critics are of a different mindset. Some amount of balance is always needed, though I imagine you keep that in mind, as well. We all have our challenges with balance and sometimes tipping one way or the other is required by conditions over which we lack control. Of course, nothing I’ve just noted is unknown to you. As you might guess, I tend to hang around with people who believe thinking is a good idea and do lots of it themselves!