The insecure among us ask themselves why they are not well-liked. Hours and days are spent puzzling over this. They look for answers by evaluating their behavior, appearance, clothing, and education.
If those items don’t explain the problem, excess introversion or extroversion presents itself. Questions of intellect, wealth, sense of humor, height, fitness, and status pop up, too.
The whatness and wholeness and greatness or smallness of ourselves.
The explanation for the failure to impress might be none of the above. It turns out, however, that breaking with what is expected of you sometimes offers the answer you seek.
The writing of Franz Kafka provides an example. In his novel The Trial, Joseph K. wakes up and discovers he has been charged with a crime. Like anyone else, he seeks to defend himself. The mind-bending complication to his defense is that his misdeed is never specified.
In his review of The Trial, — the Orson Wells film based on the book — Roger Ebert characterized Joseph’s dilemma as a situation where “innocent people wake up one morning to discover they are guilty of being themselves.”
While most of us wish to be thought of as ourselves, being genuine and open isn’t easy.
The challenge is to fit into the psychology of our time — the epoch during which we dove into the river flow of history.
Those women born in the Victorian age, when ladies wore lengthy dresses and hid their ankles, discovered any deviation from the recommended attire created a scandal.
No wardrobe crime existed during the reign of England’s Queen Victoria unless a lady displayed too much of herself and caused a public disturbance. Guidelines such as the following were obligatory:
When you dress to receive visitors, you are expected to wear something nice, with a high neckline, long sleeves, very little jewelry, and . . . there should be no cap or head dress worn.—The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness, page 28 (1872).
In our time, attire strictures are less limiting. Few, however, recognize a different, more subtle expectation in 21st-century society.
Lauren Berlant calls it cruel optimism in her book of the same name. This paradoxical phrase is especially true of a country that valorizes heroic individuals pursuing The American Dream.
This three-word goal, its value, and the possibility of achieving it are suspect on at least three counts. First, it assumes material success makes the individual happy as can be, once such triumph is achieved. Second, its unstated recipe is “a combination of good performance, high productivity, constant self-improvement, and relentless cheerfulness,” according to Mari Ruti.
Third, the mirage of which I am speaking includes a marriage of eternal passion and understanding, enhanced by the addition of beautiful, talented, and untroubled children.
To the extent we want to fit our time and place, we must therefore smile a lot, exhibit enduring resilience, and buy into the shared fantasy of achieving almost anything. We need only work hard and never give in to make it so.
Even TV commercials encourage the prospective college student to envision education as an escalator ride to higher achievement, luxurious possessions, and an endless honeymoon once the time is right.
When obstacles to those goals appear, happiness demands rereading the recipe described by Dr. Ruti and trying again. Those who doubt the prescription’s validity may continue to sense they lack permission to display any alternative attitude, including drawn-out discouragement.
Many persist in keeping their hopes alive, nose to the grindstone, and bury their doubts.
The grindstone doesn’t do much for one’s nose. Pain mostly. Sometimes the pursuit of the rainbow continues long past any realistic hope of satisfactory results.
The old mantras apply: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” “Hang in there,” or similar cliches. My dad had his own saying, one he repeated often in his early 20s during a jobless economic catastrophe, “Every knock is a boost.”
To avoid being avoided by those who define chagrin as a sign we lack “the right stuff,” many humans in the USA do their best to fake their hopefulness. Unfortunately, doing so in an age that promotes authenticity leaves them dying inside, violating the unwritten social rule to be “real.”
In effect, Dr. Berlant emphasizes, it is the endless push toward our goals while trying to shake off the emptiness of our slavery to socially exaggerated expectations that stand in the way of flourishing.
A further irony is that if our friend is also faking it, we each contribute to the other’s misery. Neither one exposes his disappointment or offers consolation, just more encouragement to reach deep inside for the willpower a pickpocket swiped years ago.
I am not criticizing optimism in those fortunate and talented souls for whom success is probable. Rather, I hope I have made the point that a future of finding a prime seat on the bullet train of existence doesn’t measure up to the hot air balloon of the Dream.
The sunrise used to provide more light before the dark and weighty tread of the climate monster and other problems started to catch up to us.
In truth, the yellow brick road to the land of Oz has never been accessible except for a minority, quite a few of whom were “born on third base and thought they hit a triple,” a quote attributed to Ann Richards, among others.
I write this as someone who surpassed his dreams, so I’m not offering you the sour grapes associated with being a bad loser.
Nor do I think anyone should discard the inborn optimism built into their human package. We do well to talk back to catastrophization since small and passing things can be enlarged beyond measure.
Hope, effort, ingenuity, and the ability to delude oneself kept our ancestors going. Moreover, predicting a life filled with closed doors makes one unnecessarily terrified and helpless, unable to recognize the agency we do have.
Still, if you want honest conversations with authentic people who accept a fellow displaying an upside-down smile, you might want to consider how cruel optimism plays into life.
Afterward, with a less cruel version designed by yourself, for yourself, figure out what mountain is reachable and satisfying, even if imperfect.
Hills are also ok to climb. Not everyone gets to be #1 in class, the one waving from the mountaintop. When we face the man in the mirror, I suggest we ask ourselves whether we live to work or work to live. That answer underpins everything else we do.
I advise seeking a few companions, assuming the potential buddies admit life is at least a bit of a slog, and who welcome a genuine person who goes by your name.
These are decent souls, the kind to join hands with. With them by our side, we might win something nonmaterial of more value than a corner office with a beautiful view. It’s true we won’t put the list of our best friends on our resume, but in any insightful summation of life’s achievements, perhaps we should.
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The first, fourth, and five photographs are the work of the extraordinary photographer/artist Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.
We begin with a Supercell Storm with Lightening at Sunset Near Brady, TX, on 6/12/23.
Next comes a picture of the photographer Viona Lelegems at the Victorian Picnic, 2009. It is the work of Motophil and sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
The third photo is The Art of Flying, a two-minute film by Jan Van Ijken taken in the Netherlands and sourced from Youtube.com/
Laura Hedien’s Arcus Cloud Reflection at Sunset in June 2023 follows.
Finally comes a Hog Nose Snapper, taken by Ms. Hedien at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium in August 2023.
Oh my…this: “I advise seeking a few companions, assuming the potential buddies admit life is at least a bit of a slog, and who welcome a genuine person who goes by your name.” In a world built on shaky perceptions and the allure of social media measuring sticks, popularity, influence and artificial EVERYTHING your essay injects hopefulness. The reality of the “knocks” giving boosts? I love your father’s wisdom. I hadn’t thought of that line for years…but it’s one my father-in-law loved, too. 💕
And this! Using mirage imagery as you share this point. The overestimation of the impact of being earnest and well-intended: “To the extent we want to fit our time and place, we must therefore smile a lot, exhibit enduring resilience, and buy into the shared fantasy of achieving almost anything. We need only work hard and never give in to make it so.” Sigh…truth right there.
Sunday morning gratitude. Thanks, Dr. Stein!
Thank you, Vicki. I have offered a message that I am not sure our “buck up” world (or the blogging world) wants to hear, preferring the endless cheerleading it often accepts as the alternative to being seen as unduly dark in vision. Nonetheless, I find the women I quoted, both recently deceased, have shined some light on a kind of toxic optimism we can see if we allow ourselves to look at it without wearing sunglasses.
I’m all for optimism when the goal isn’t a pie in the sky. The monstrous income inequality in this country demonstrates that there are a whole lot of smiley faces we are taking for signs of life satisfaction rather than an attempt to fit into their crowd. I wish it weren’t so.
Yes. The Ann Richards quote is a gem, in particular. And you’re right – the message may be difficult for some to digest, but even for this “sunny girl”… I know the perils of positivity when not grounded in truth and insight.
Dr Stein- I want to read this post over and over. Your words are music to my realist ears and your candor is refreshing. Thank you for your authenticity and your honesty and for saying what I tend to avoid saying in blogging platforms. Please know just how much I appreciate you.
Thank you, Deb. You have come pretty close to the same area so I was not surprised at your comment. Still, it took courage. For myself, I am comfortable enough in my own skin to offer an essay like this occasionally, but also aware enough to realize such a post will cause a several to turn away. Much depends on whether the topic in question is what I feel compelled to write about. This time it was. I am grateful it hit the target for you.
So kind Dr. Stein. I think if I was writing only on my personal blog I would be very much on the same path of being comfortable to say more. I do agree though- there are times that one is simply compelled to speak…
What a great and thought-provoking essay, Dr. Stein. This grabbed me, “that breaking with what is expected of you sometimes offers the answer you seek.”
It seems to me that much of the wisdom you bring is to surface that tension between the individual and the society/culture. Pondering that seems to bring goodness both in what we owe (our societal contract to each other) and what we don’t (enslavement to some unrealistic or inauthentic ideal).
Thank you, Wynne. Your thoughtful comment provoked some thoughts in me, as well.
The one that stands out is how much we owe those we are connected with (a boss, a spouse, a friend, a member of our family, a stranger, a member of our house of worship, etc.) in the way of unhappiness. That unhappiness, in Berlant’s model, is the amount of discontent and unfulfiled time that comes with holding on to an attachment to socially acceptable objects and goals we have been encouraged to want and sacrifice for, especially if they seem past due.
In the end, I’d say we have to determine individually what our values are and to what degree our desires/goals comport with those values, or whether we need to rethink what we really want and how much suffering we wish to incur in the course of trying to reach them.
Oh, what fascinating model you’ve responded with. And the answer that we need to rethink what we really want instead of what we’ve been told to want. So interesting!
I see healthy optimism vs. cruel optimism. As a writer, I am used to rejection on a regular basis. Still, I am optimistic that if I revise and rewrite, and continue to submit, that my writing will be published, as it has. In my work as a college coach, I never tell a high schooler to be optimistic about their chances of admission to University X, rather, I tell them to be realistic, give it their best shot, follow my guidance, and rejoice if the answer is yes. Cruel optimism is when you tell a person with stage 4 cancer to think positive or believe in miracles. Healthy optimism is the belief that you can weather the storms of life, not that life will offer you rainbows if you just believe.
Well said, Evelyn. Thank you. In my response to Wynne, I’ve tried to add some of the complexities involved. One I didn’t emphasize to her, but could have, is what amount of endurance is reasonable to expect from anyone who is shooting for a particular fulfillment, and whether there is a method and a set of rules that might tell us we are hanging on to a potentiality in the goal that amounts to a “sunk cost.” As I said to Wynne, this seems to me to be a very personal choice, not easily generalized to someone else’s dilemma.
So much to digest in your post, Dr. Stein. To my chagrin, I have a record of “breaking with what is expected of [me]” that does not end well in my favor. I’ve also found that it’s not easy to find like-minded souls who are genuine and open about sharing “a bit of a slog” in their lives. There appears to be some unwritten/unspoken contract in carefully guarding the emptiness and disappointments in one’s life. Then, there are those who promote a cruel/toxic optimism that contradicts my lived experiences of dealing with the unexpected blows of life.
It sounds like your experience confirms a good deal of what Berlant and Ruti described. And I think you are wise to recognize that it isn’t easy to find people who allow themselves to be themselves. I do think they are out there, Rosaliene, and it would be to their great good fortune to find such a one as you. Thanks for describing your personal experience.
Thanks, Dr. Stein <3
Oohhhh, Doctor Stein what a luxury to read this new post of yours!
And please allow me NOT to measure my words; if I had found a better translation of Italian’s “goduria”, I would have used it.
I came across your blog few weeks ago: by hasard? Don’t believe in hasard…
(Came across through a blog on classical music I don’t want to name, because the blogger himself, the subjects treated and commentaries are full of gossips, hate, vulgarity.
I nonetheless follow this blog in case I get informations which highly interest me. Don’t feel proud about this frequentation of mine. End of subject.)
Anyway here I am in YOUR company; wise, brillant, cultured, rich of cordiality and great skill to share with all your readers.
That a Doctor, who surely treats many patients with heavy pathologies, maybe has a family, children, friends, a garden, loves biking, walking in the nature, attend exhibitions, et coetera, and surely continues to read a lot or attend seminaries, symposiums on his professional dominion, that such a Doctor as you are finds time to dedicate to us blows my mind!
Grazie di cuore, caro Signor Stein.
Your today’s text is full of great thinking, rich in inputs for us and least but not the least, your choice of pictures, videos, advices on authors, books appealing!
Grazie nuovamente!
Migliori saluti
Micaela Bonetti
P.S.: Believe it or not (remember, I do believe there is no hasard), I am actually plonged down in a situation similar to Kafka’s “Trial” !
You are extraordinarily kind. Thank you Micaela.
I do hope your the “Trial-like” situation is resolved better than was that of Joseph K!
Again, many thanks for following my blog as well as commenting on it. All the very best, Micaela!
“To avoid being avoided by those who define chagrin as a sign we lack “the right stuff,” many humans in the USA do their best to fake their hopefulness. Unfortunately, doing so in an age that promotes authenticity leaves them dying inside, violating the unwritten social rule to be “real.”
Toxic positivity, borne I believe in the churches where they believe that if God is happy with you he will shower you with blessings, and if he isn’t pleased with you, then you will be given trials to bear.
Theocracy has given birth to meritocracy, and has been upheld as why it is okay to be a Robber/Baron, pay people poorly and keep all the benefits and profits for oneself. It has been the road many have been told to follow, to not only prove one’s worth to one and all, but to gain favor with God, and seek to be blessed.
The emotional fallout on any whose lives don’t show they have been blessed by God, is to suffer their scorn, experience many hours of lectures, be shunned even, and always be considered lower than everyone else. Even when life isn’t going as well as some portray on the outside, they can console themselves, saying, at least I’m not doing as badly as so-and-so.
That’s toxic positivity and it had infiltrated all levels of society and crept into every corner of our consciousness, taken as fact, when in reality it is not!
When I was going through all my health issues and employment issues, I was cast as being a person God was displeased with. Many treated me accordingly. Only one person had the courage to point out the verse in the Bible that says “for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust.” That person stated that Jesus said that rain, difficult situations and trials, will fall on those who are good and bad.
Healthy optimism on the other hand acknowledges there are going to be struggles in life, and these aren’t to punish us but to help us grow and to learn skills and lessons we never would have learned other wise. Healthy optimism shows us we can develop the strength and the skills we need to get through those times.
In life there is a balanced place where it isn’t all bad and neither is it all good. Our challenge is finding that balanced place.
Very thought provoking piece Dr. Stein! Love it!
Thank you, Tamara. I love the quote from Matthew 5:45. Yes, I certainly encountered church-going individuals who were blamed for their lack of faith, their depression, etc. And, yes, some of these came from those places of worship that promoted the notion that life’s blessings were showered on individuals who lived rightly, and that the same prosperity tended not to be found in the lives of those whose faith somehow fell short.
According to Pew, 63% of American adults call themselves Christian, down from 78% in 2007. The expectation is that this trend will leave the US with fewer than 50% of its population identifying as Christian at some point in the next decade.
History indicates that Americans have long been a positive and optimistic nation. I don’t know the origin of this with certainty, but I am inclined to believe the tendency to see ourselves as exempt from the worst possible events has been characteristic of human nature even before the time of Christ. If you haven’t read it, Ernest Becker’s Pulitzer Prize winning “The Denial of Death” might be of interest. Thanks for your very thoughtful response to my essay!