“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity,” wrote the French philosopher and activist Simone Weil.

It is elusive, like a ball that rolls away from us. Though we talk about the importance of friends and those we love, in their presence, we are preoccupied and distracted much of the time.

There is a way to change this.

Weil, who died at age 34 in 1943, approached the task by emptying herself, surrendering the space that would otherwise be devoted to her ideas, emotions, judgments, anticipations, and memories. She would then possess the openness and the opening in her life to listen and absorb the other, including whatever pain she might be carrying.

Rather than tension-filled, intense focusing of her mind, the young woman set aside a personal agenda: looking outward rather than drawn to the internal mirror of her self-preoccupation. 

This amounted to a subtraction of her person to devote herself to the companion. She welcomed the conversation partner’s voice, expression, emotion, and ideas — receptive to her whole being.

The journey with the other mattered, but the destination or goal of the interaction didn’t. Gently pairing her presence with another was not an intellectual task but a practice of waiting for that figure to unveil herself.

She neither searched, problem-solved, or held her breath but accepted what was revealed by the counterpart.

Think of how your mind works when you drive, assuming you are alone and not listening to a podcast, music, or talking on the phone.

Your attention is diffused, open to all the moving objects on the highway, not just one. Since anything can happen, you absorb everything as the vehicles proceed, enter or depart the road, change lanes, adjust speed, turn on lights, and signal what they intend to do.

You are prepared to accept all possible incoming stimuli and efface thoughts of yourself that might interfere with that readiness. If another car creates danger, the center of interest narrows, and you respond to ensure no harm occurs.

What happens when you leave the car, sitting across the table from another soul?

The background is often distracting: strangers walking in and out, music, and overlapping conversations. Perhaps you keep track of elapsing time, mindful of errands and future appointments. 

Ideas about what your friend is saying and who you think she is are at the top of your mind. However, that agenda might be set aside to speak rather than listen, cut her off in urgency to comment, disagree, persuade, take offense, or impress her.

Phone calls and text messages further intervene. You wonder what the other thinks about you, including whether you are attractive, wearing fine clothes, showing interest in her, or boring her stiff.

The mind shifts back and forth. 

If you are in a meeting on Zoom, you look at others, and you look at yourself.

God help you if you take endless solo selfies to admire or study. There is no room for the other in this.

When engaged in friendly human interaction, you are at your empathic best if you dispense with any agenda other than surrendering your focus to who is at hand. Your concern is your acquaintance’s presence and life. 

You fashion this unique latitude not in the hope of being changed or afraid of losing control or altering her. You permit the development of what happens almost on its own in the time you spend together.

Time becomes your friend if you do not fix on the clock.

You wait to discover what occurs and what she says, thinks, and feels. If she is in pain, your obligation becomes a moral one. 

The concerned response is to witness her suffering and abide with her. You are not in control and don’t take charge. Let the river of life and your interlocutor take you where they take you.

The Weil scholar Peter Winch described this approach to a person who is dealing with a painful episode in her life:

I cannot understand the other’s affliction from the point of view of my own privileged position; I have rather to understand myself from the standpoint of the other’s affliction, to understand that my privileged position is not part of my essential nature, but an accident of fate.

Patience is necessary. Reflect on your conversation later to evaluate what happened and what you learned. You did justice to the counterparty by absorbing her presence and all that came with it. 

You experience only what she allows you to see and hear and only if you give her enough room to inform you of what is essential.

This kind of attention is neither customary nor easy. Mindfulness meditation may be a pathway to it.

Consider trying it on occasion. Stripping away what diverts your attention allows you to change how you relate to others. Doing so might cause them to seek you for social interactions that are more pleasing, supportive, and different from what they are used to.

You can also discover that your understanding of others enlarges and that any social anxiety you experience during your time together is reduced.

Life is too fraught to let the busy world sweep you into its endlessly buzzing machine of unsatisfying contact with the most important people in your life. Weil offers an alternative.

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Each of the photos of Simone Weil (pronounced Vey) was taken in 1921 and sourced from Wikimedia Commons.