Many of those I treated wished to change something about their partner, child, parent, or friend. Apart from the futility of altering someone else without cooperation, they never realized that an essential “good” would be lost by the end of their hypothetical surgical procedure.
The dissatisfied among us too often view fellow humans as something like a car with a broken or worn-out part. If only a defective brake or muffler is located, removed, and replaced, everything will be better, they mutter. It’s as simple as that.
Take a buddy who is considered too forgiving. You want him to enter a conflict on your side, but he has already moved past the injury both of you suffered.
Your idea is to draft a comrade into your battle, but what unintended alteration might occur? You could discover the new version of your chum is impatient and tends to hold grudges against you. Such a turn in the relationship is unexpected. The sweet nature you love in him disappears in the transformation.
Many similar examples exist. Think of a partner who displays remarkable kindness but is vulnerable. If you try to toughen her up, you live to regret it, missing her rare affection—the sweetness of the one you love, a unique part of her essence. Indeed, savoring the delicacy of the other makes you better, wiser, and more loving. You must change not the one who captured your heart—not the one you wish to adjust, modify, or perfect.
Rather, yourself.
Jaap van Zweden, the outgoing Music Director of the New York Philharmonic, recently said, “We cannot help ourselves, who we are.” Therapy does wonders for some, but it rarely makes bullies into the tenderhearted or the small into giants.
The Hebrew Bible informs us of Sampson’s weakness without long hair. Would anyone who benefited from his protection and intimidating force do well to cut it? Once Delilah shorn him of his shaggy brawniness as he slept, those who depended on him lacked a champion.
Would Achilles have been Achilles lacking the rage to amplify his superiority as a warrior? He remained forever aggressive and arrogant, until a Trojan arrow found his heel.
Odysseus was known for his cleverness, which made him untrustworthy to some. Yet without that quality, his Trojan Horse brainchild never would have been invented. Troy’s gates might still be standing.
Authors who write magnificent books often include thanks to spouses and children for their patience during the years of research, writing, and preoccupation with work. It is the price of being who they are, paid for by their family as the cost and benefit of being their mate, daughter, or son.
Where can you find someone who retains all the characteristics you favor after removing those you don’t? No one portrays multiple characters in the play of life to suit everyone.
Free from differences you believe troubling, there would be no intimate conversations about your relationship, nor the effort on your part to understand the other and adapt.
Life is fuller, and we are more virtuous for making those adaptations. The human community is less toxic and more congenial if we are not stubborn and critical, demanding others to shape-shift and asking little of ourselves. We are imperfect, too, and the world breaks us if we don’t bend.
The dissatisfaction is ours to put right—to find more gratitude and less irritation or disappointment within.
Sometimes, changing one thing changes everything. Think of the game of Jenga.
Wikipedia tells us that “players take turns removing one block at a time from a tower constructed of 54 blocks. Each block removed is then placed on top of the tower, creating a progressively more unstable structure. The game ends when the tower falls over.”
All because of the unfortunate adjustment of a single block.
Yes, we should steer clear of relationships with those who are untrustworthy, deceitful, and lacking awareness of their need for alteration, be they friends, spouses, or our leaders. The chance of refining them is harder than hammering the uneven surface of a metal block to smooth it out.
As the Christian Bible reminds us, “he (who) is without sin … let him be the first to cast a stone” at another who is flawed. Much as we all must change—a process dictated by necessity in perpetuity—too few set aside their grumbling discontent over the people who don’t think as they do.
Be careful not to draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa, expecting to improve her portrait. Those who remind themselves that they live in a world of differences increase their chances of accepting most people as they are.
If you can think of a better way to be, tell me how.
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The top two photographs are by Laura Hedien, with her generous permission: Laura Hedien Official Website. The first is a Cuban Street Scene from March 2024, followed by a Vintage Truck on the Backroads of Illinois on November 18, 2022. Finally, an example of the game Jenga.
I love how you made the point so perfectly…clearly…right here about tinkering with relationships:
“The dissatisfaction is ours to put right—to find more gratitude and less irritation or disappointment within.”
I’ve often found the needling compulsion to fix and mend others…mold them…has its origins in something within myself and less the ‘other’. Most times I do well to look within first. 🥰
Thanks, Vicki. It is a challenge. The peopled world is forever bumping into each other. Strong arming has its limits. Sometimes we win the battle, but we set ourselves up to lose the war.
I hear you. Yes! Have a great day Dr. Stein. 🥰
Vicki, I’m very much the same. I have to reign in my compulsion (or my co-dependency) often. And like you, I have learned to start looking within myself when I feel this way so hopefully , I can keep letting go more. ❤️
Good for you, Belle. It is an ongoing challenge, as is ending or avoiding toxic relationships.
In it together, then, aren’t we Belle! Sending big hugs your way this morning. 🥰
Same to you, Vicki.
Good lord… I need to work on myself before I worry about others.
I am sure you are first class, Laura. Your history tells of someone who has done good for others.
I sure hope so… one never knows for sure. Been rode hard and put away wet.
I understand the metaphor, Laura, but in my book you are heroic.
oooo… the “h” word. I think, imho, that is best saved for someone who has made the ultimate sacrifice. I’ve done my jobs and I hope I’ve done them well. It was very gratifying and I was paid very well. I went home every day and for the most part, not too messed up. 🙂
A very touchy subject, Dr. Stein. As you mention: “Sometimes, changing one thing changes everything. Think of the game of Jenga.” Accepting the desirable and undesirable aspects of those we love is not easy. I don’t always succeed in finding the right balance to avoid total collapse.
You are right, Rosaliene. There are those we should steer clear of if possible, including even family who act without kindness or obligation, but expect that from us. I hope at some point that the tightrope walk of family relations becomes easier. You have all my admiration.
Much appreciated, Dr. Stein 🙂 <3
Years ago, when I was going through so much of my troubles and trials, I could clearly see how other people were doing me wrong, yet, It was exceedingly difficult to see that I may have had a part in it, to have chosen and allowed them to be in my life. While I hated what I was experiencing, I had come to believe that I deserved to be punished, or at least to not be happy, so I stayed, and relished my role as Martyr, the good one who had to tolerate and put up with others. I definitely believed that if THEY changed, then MY life would be better!
Once I started working on myself, teaching myself to like and to value myself, I saw that as I was changing, the same people who once felt entitled to speak down to me in harsh ways had started biting their tongues, or they moved on to greened pastured where they could belittle others and get the reactions they wanted. Did they change? No, they just found other targets.
The person I needed to change was ME, and then everything shifted. I was no longer a good target or victim, indeed, I no longer saw it as my role in life.
The fastest way to make those changes? Start practicing suspending judgement of ourselves and practice speaking kindly and gently to ourselves! I know it sounds corny, but the feedback I am getting from some people who are following this advice is that it is helping them too!
You are a worthy example of the kind of growth and understanding that is hard to find and difficult to accomplish. Congratulations and thank you, Tamara.
Thank you Dr. Stein! The hardest part about coming to terms with needing to change oneself is to overcome the fear that one is somehow a “monster” but instead is just a human being who is a work in progress.
Maya Angelou’s quote, “When I know better, I do better” helped me through those times and helped me to learn to give myself grace.
These are the lessons I share, so others can find their own inner strength to go through the change process.
Oh, no, caro dottor Stein, I cannot think of a better way to be so I won’t tell you now.
My long silence on your blog speaks alas for itself…
Passed through hell.
Still alive. Still fighting.
Fighting to keep my long hair, my healthy heel alive because they are ME…
Even if my hair was cut and my heel wounded to death.
Grazie per le sue profonde magnifiche parole, dottor Stein, e così semplici!
I was concerned for you, Micaela, but neglected to write to you. My apologies. I am glad things have improved. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you good health and every happiness.
This is such a great essay, Dr. Stein. You make so many wonderful points. The one that struck me the deepest was, “Free from differences you believe troubling, there would be no intimate conversations about your relationship, nor the effort on your part to understand the other and adapt.”
Right – it’s our differences that makes for conversation and intimacy. Amazing insight! Thank you, Dr. Stein!
You are welcome, Wynne. We cannot shy away from talking about differences some of the time without any cost to ourselves, our relationships, and to some extent, the larger world.