What is friendship? There are a lot of moving parts.

Joseph Epstein offers a worthy definition in his wonderful book Friendship: An Expose:

Friendship is affection, variously based on common interests, a common past, common values, and, alas, sometimes common enemies, in each case leading to delight and contentment in one another’s company.

What else should we add? One cannot have an abundance of very close friends because the growth of intimacy takes time and effort, excluding the possibility of — say — 100 such intimates.

The philosopher Plutarch thought seven was the correct number. Aristotle believed it would be hard to find many upright people worthy of closeness, therefore limiting the number of excellent friendships one could have even further.

Here are a few qualities found in friendship, as derived from the likes of Epstein, Aristotle (in his Nichomachean Ethics), and myself. Ask yourself whether these characteristics are present in those you are closest to:

• Friends are constant. They aren’t interchangeable. We like to think of them as people who will remain dear for quite some time, perhaps forever.
• You can be yourself around these individuals. You don’t have to put on a show or try to win approval. If you are close in this way, you enjoy considerable acceptance and a lack of pretense.
• A best friend is similar to a brother or a sister, perhaps even closer. Almost like “another self,” according to Aristotle.
• You share interests with friends, and you have a compatible sense of humor and view of the world. If you don’t, that may place your friendship at risk.
• Friendships are more easily maintained when you and the other have equal status and prosperity. Significant differences in these areas can strain the relationship.
• Attachments of the highest value involve people who are open with each other (though this is not required at every moment).
• Friendship usually necessitates some regularity of meeting and/or communicating with one another, although electronic means of contact have changed any face-to-face requirement between old friends.
• Over time, a history of shared memories will deepen the connection.

Before I get to other qualities present in close friendships, let’s turn back to Aristotle, who described three different categories of friendship. You might want to try to sort your friends into these:

1. Friendship based on usefulness. Think of those you are friendly with because of what they can do for you. Many business relationships fit this category.
2. Friendship dependent on pleasure. This classification would include individuals with whom you keep company because they are fun to be with or perhaps for the sexual thrill provided by your interaction. But, as with the first category, when the benefit ends, so does the one-dimensional companionship.
3. Friendship grounded in excellence or virtue. Aristotle considered this the highest form of friendship. The two people are both virtuous and wish all the best for each other. It is, therefore, different from the purely self-interested categories above. This kind of companionship will include the qualities of usefulness and pleasure present in those two types of pairings but lasts as long as the parties are good, not entirely dependent on the other’s utility or entertainment value. Considerable time spent together is required to form such relationships. With enough experience of the other, they begin to trust.

Here are some additional characteristics found in the best friendships:

• Friends provide consolation in times of trouble and take joy in the happiness of the other.
• Closeness is easier to create when you spend time alone with the other. The establishment of a significant level of intimacy is more challenging in groups or when you spend time with the potential friend only in the presence of his spouse (or girlfriend) and your own mate. Individuals surrounded by others tend to keep the talk “small,” light, and unrevealing.
• Epstein again: “One might begin by saying that one’s friends must be honorable, fair, decent, good-humored, generous, and kind.” Sounds like Aristotle’s highest form of this category, doesn’t it?
• Friendships are never ideal, but Aristotle stated it is your responsibility to set the friend straight when he goes off the righteous path. Only if time proves he has gone wrong permanently should you abandon him.
• As you and your buddy age, both of you will change. The alterations will have to be compatible to maintain the relationship at the same level of importance and closeness.
• Cicero, another ancient philosopher, suggested no one is as admirable a friend as the kind of soul he seeks as a friend. Tolerance and acceptance of imperfection are required in any such duo.
• Reciprocity is a key to a well-functioning companionship. If one person always initiates the calling, texting, organizing get-togethers, driving, giving gifts, and picking up the dinner checks, the strain of imbalance and inequity can break the relationship.
• Friends should be reliable and dependable. They do not often forget their promises and the meetings they’ve scheduled with you. They won’t blow you off when a better offer comes along, at least not with regularity.

Aristotle devoted about 20% of the Nichomachean Ethics to the issue of friendship, showing just how important he thought it was to achieve a satisfying life. The philosopher wasn’t talking about Facebook “friends,” who might have been called “acquaintances” in the old days.

Psychologists believe friendship is essential to life satisfaction, especially as one ages. It is often thought to be more productive of happiness than contact with a spouse or children. Clearly, this part of life should not be ignored.

Tired of quotes from great philosophers and writers? Here is a last word from an unlikely source: a boxer. The famous man offered as wise a comment as any from the ancient Greeks:

“Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But, if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you haven’t learned anything.” (Muhammad Ali).

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If you found the above essay interesting, here is another to consider: When Friendships Go Bad and How to Fix Them.

The second image is Just Between Friends. It is the work of Jack Held and appeared in Puck Magazine in 1914. The cartoon below it is described as Two Cartoon Female Coworkers Taking a Selfie Video. Both were sourced from Wikimedia Commons.