Attraction is powerful, but dating someone is also a matter of discovery. Before you choose a permanent partner, you might want to find out about the person behind the dazzle.
Ponder this:
“A majority of dog owners say they would consider ending the relationship if the pet disapproved of the partner,” according to Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times on August 4, 2024. Some suitors would try to finesse this by bringing a morsel for the animal, but I suspect the fellow’s attitude toward man’s best friend would come out in the long run.
What follows are a few more areas you might want to investigate as you get to know each other.
Does your possible future mate have children? Then it is best that you like kids.
One cannot stop there. You have an Ex to deal with and find out about.
How did the relationship with that person begin, what was the problem, and why did the connection collapse? What part of this was your new honey’s responsibility? Is there a pattern to her history of heartbreak?
If the children are older, do they do well in school? Are they kind? Do they hold any prejudices? Where have those attitudes come from?
What about your lover’s parents? You may want to find out about their background. The family a child marries into has been the most frequently used parental measuring stick in the history of betrothal. Old-fashioned? Many parents believe it is an essential element of suitability.
More about potential in-laws. Did either of the parents survive a trauma? It is not unusual for there to be second-generation effects of that misfortune. Parents who lived through poverty, serious illness, the loss of loved ones, or wartime can pass on their opinions, anxieties, and other forms of unhappiness to their offspring without even knowing it.
Who are your sweetheart’s friends? What are they like? What does he like about them? Can he hold onto buddies? Does he give you enough time?
Are you comfortable with your friend’s diet and lifestyle? Can you live with his preoccupation with his phone? Are your politics and religion (or its absence) compatible?
We live in a time of marriages between people of different ethnic groups, races, religions, and national origins. LBGT, too. Unfortunately, it is also a moment in which white supremacists and Christian nationalists are threatened by those who they believe are inferior or wrongheaded.
Individuals who marry outside conventional boundaries can encounter various forms of resentment and prejudice, both within and outside of families. These complications and how to handle them are appropriate topics for conversations. Reaching out to a couple who have encountered judgmental disdain and unkindness might be helpful.
Values and preferences are worth uncovering. I treated a man who worked as a music teacher. His new wife taught English.
It wasn’t long after their marriage that they came to an impasse. He wanted to attend concerts, while she favored theater. The lady did agree to hear live music but never enjoyed it. The man appreciated theater and never complained unless the play was poorly done.
The fellow told me this:
What am I supposed to do, Doc? If I ask her to join me, she wants to know if she will like it. If I say ‘yes,’ then she complains after. If I say ‘no,’ she replies, ‘Then why are we going?’
There are infinite questions, and I’ve touched on only a few of them. Many go with their gut instead, but remember you can be swept away in love’s early stages. Later, in a more sober period of your twosome, you realize who you are attached to.
Perhaps the biggest question is whether the one you care for knows you and if he sees you. Can you look past the honeymoon phase to his essence, just as he recognizes your own?
If there is a mutual understanding between souls who care for each other, much happiness is possible.
May you have every good wish.
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The two paintings above share the same name: The Happy Lovers. The first is by Jean-Honore Fragonard, while the second is the work of Gustav Courbet, 1844. Both are sourced from Wikart.org/
great advice
Thank you, Beth. All the best to you.
So many things to consider and investigate. Your guidance – acknowledging the ‘swept up’ feelings yet encouraging a bit of deliberation – feels spot on. In one area again and again (and maybe I’m predisposed to the topic) I see couples forget they are marrying into family systems with unspoken rules, expectations built on shared history and sometimes, generational and transferred trauma as you said. So subtle – maybe undetectable early on but interwoven just the same. Thank you, Dr. Stein! Terrific post. 🥰
Thanks, Vicki. Yes, the other’s family can tell us a lot. “Ignore them at your own peril” should be a highway sign everywhere!
What a great idea! 🥰😎🥰
Very good advice! During the beginning stages, rosy colored glasses obscure many facts and red flags. Only when day to day life is experienced, do many see what was before them all along! I myself overlooked those signs until after the wedding!
Evolution drives us to produce offspring and we are the products of its success. You have a lot of company in being swept away, Tamara. Thank you for your words, always Frank and worthy.
A very insightful post, Dr. Stein. Marital relationships between two souls come with a lot of emotional baggage on both sides, including parental ones as you mention. As in my case, the union is doomed to fail when the male has a fantastical erotic image of his female conquest.
I know you paid a high price for your knowledge of relationship heartbreak. Thank you for your knowing words, Rosaliene. I am glad you survived.
<3
There are all such great and insightful questions. I was fortunate to come across a similar list of considerations in my early-twenties, and I’m certain it saved me a lot of heartache and wasted time. The final point about whether the one you care for knows you and sees you is so integral–without longevity really isn’t possible.
Thank you. I’m glad everything worked out. As you say, a satisfying relationship is unlikely if one doesn’t understand the other. May it continue for you and you’re husband.
Hi Dr. Stein, what great advice!
Thank you very much!
Knows you and sees you — ah, so good, Dr. Stein. Love reading this wisdom from your treasure trove of experience.
And the theater/music couple is an interesting dilemma. Perhaps an open mind is a necessary consideration for the list…
Thank you, Wynne. Yes an open mind would be a good addition. Next question: how far? A rhetorical question, I suppose. Mind opening or mind stretching sounds like a potential Olympic sport!