Important ideas often come in pairs.
For example, Oscar Wilde said, “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what you want, and the other is getting it.”
There is an essential truth in his words beyond his cleverness.
The playwright grasped that failing to achieve a cherished goal can be enormously painful.
On the other hand, reaching a significant aspiration leaves us with a question. Since the joy of a dream come true is rarely permanent, what comes next?
Early and extraordinary accomplishments, in particular, can cause magnificent artists and athletes to strive to surpass their former level of excellence.
In the worst cases, they are forever compared to their earlier self and found wanting.
On a more optimistic note, upsets worth losing sleep over aren’t always what cause us to lose sleep. The encouraging aspect of this is that before long we tend to get over the issues disrupting our rest.
One reason for bedtime disturbance is man’s penchant to overestimate the significance of familiar if not petty, wounds of the everyday. Someone cutting us off while driving is one such unremarkable event unless it ends in a collision.
Given humanity’s inherent vulnerability, to live means to suffer some of the time. Solace can be found if we accept that we can’t escape injury, insult, or slow and talkative shoppers in the queue ahead of us who forever search for the coupons buried in their purses or pockets.
Indeed, the Buddhists would remind us that our fellow customers offer us a chance to learn patience.
Long ago, I discovered that if something troubled me between sunrise and sunset, it helped to trace the timeline back to the moment when my distress arrived. I tried to analyze what caused it and why.
Pinpointing and dealing with the feelings as far before bedtime as possible tended to diminish some of my unhappiness. The monstrosity was reduced to a more tolerable size.
Most of our daily frustrations are minor issues in the grand scheme of things. One might lose a slice of one night’s sleep, but the trouble can be put to bed by the next day.
What is important, then? Freud identified love and work as central to our humanity and cornerstones of well-being. However, the legendary psychoanalyst also believed happiness is a slippery commodity.
Grasping permanent contentment is like catching a feather on a windy day. Freud thought a talented therapist would be able to minimize the unhappiness of the people in treatment, at best.
I might agree with the illustrious analyst that our lives are up and down. All people are subject to many matters they can command and a good-sized sum of those they can’t.
However, I do not believe Freud’s dark view applies at every moment or that the world’s mischief and randomness entirely control us.
Happiness depends on your inborn temperament, your life experience, learning to manage a sliver of the world, making a decent living, friendship, and benefiting from good luck. The individual can influence some of these, allowing reason for hope and openness to joy.
Accepting the road’s imperfections, our starts and stops, and the minor accidents in human relationships is helpful. We can learn to take on only those challenges worthy of our effort and shrug off the smaller disappointments and those from which we can recover.
Not every fight is worth fighting about. Not every bone is worth gnawing.
One more aspect of existence we might contemplate is this: which issues are temporary and which are permanent?
Here is an example. Many describe suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
If we flip the words, we should consider how often we reach for short-lived solutions that are inadequate to defeat persistent or long-standing concerns. Our short-term fixes can worsen things.
Drugs and alcohol are examples of remedies chosen to reduce the pain of situations we would do well to overhaul instead. The ancient Chinese offered this wisdom: “First, the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the man.”
That’s my story for today. Here’s hoping I’ve given you some ideas to ponder. If not, I won’t lose any sleep over it.
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The 1930 caricature by Carl Josef is of A Psychiatrist with Intense Bulging Eyes. It was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
very wise –
Thank you, Beth. I try — and have a lot of help from the great women and men who came before me.
Your encouragement to reflect upon the source of inevitable malaise speaks to me. A practice I try to follow, inviting others to do the same. There’s empowerment and potential relief – or at the very least, a re-ordering and diminishing – just as you said. Enough to quiet my often runaway and ruminating brain. So good, Dr. Stein:
“Long ago, I discovered that if something troubled me between sunrise and sunset, it helped to trace the timeline back to the moment when my distress arrived. I tried to analyze what caused it and why.
Pinpointing and dealing with the feelings as far before bedtime as possible tended to diminish some of my unhappiness. The monstrosity was reduced to a more tolerable size.”
Thank you again. Appreciate your posts! 💕
One of mankind’s greatest challenges is to find perspective in a world of every size and shape of trouble, beauty, and all that is beyond describing. A daily challenge but one necessary to find life satisfaction. Thanks, Vicki.
One unusual way we might shrink our problems is to take a ride in space. Those brave and lucky navigators describe the almost indescribable beauty and smallness of our planet amidst the vastness of space. They managed to transcend themselves as they took in a view of Earth few will ever see. Who can sweat the small stuff after such an experience?
For now, the rest of us might glimpse this feeling by looking up more at the night sky as a reminder of our interconnectedness and brevity on the Universe timeline. Perhaps your worries, annoyances, and disappointments might seem a little less pressing for the moment.
There’s a terrific short video created 11 years ago that describes this profound experience coined “The Overview Effect”.
Thank you for the video and the thoughts behind it, Evelyn. Yes, it is very fine, a bit like Carl Sagan’s take on the “pale blue dot.” WFMT radio had a tradition, perhaps one that continues, of playing a wonderous program called “Born to Live” to lead off their programming on January 1. I can’t recommend it highly enough: “Born to Live: Part 1” and “Born to Live: Part 2” compiled and edited by the legendary Studs Terkel with Jim Unrath. It is enormously affirmative, a message man has needed from time’s beginning.
“Not every fight is worth fighting about. Not every bone is worth gnawing.” Oh boy – you have delivered a potent dose of perspective.
Love this essay that starts with the clever Oscar Wilde and ends with the wise, Dr. Stein. “we should consider how often we reach for short-lived solutions that are inadequate to defeat persistent or long-standing concerns. ” What a great suggestion!
Well, Wynne, I don’t rank with Oscar Wilde, but appreciate your kindness in what will certainly be the first and last time anyone writes a sentence in which we appear together! In Wilde’s case, in spite of his wisdom, his personal judgment was a problematic as can be found in most of us. Nonetheless, there is much to be enjoyed in his wit, thought, and writing. Thanks, Wynne.
Very insightful, Dr. Stein. Thanks. I’ve spent a lifetime “learn[ing] to take on only those challenges worthy of our effort and shrug off the smaller disappointments and those from which we can recover.” I cannot claim to always make the right distinction 🙁
None of us always get it right, Rosaliene. Thank you.
“Not every fight is worth fighting about. Not every bone is worth gnawing.”
I’m not the only one loving this phrase! As someone who formerly got upset to varying degrees over things I had no control over and which were small issues, I’ve been practicing equanamity when stuck in a slow line or in traffic for example.
Realizing that my frustration wouldn’t have any effect on the situation helped me to choose my mood each time. I still need to do this. Only this week I once more got stuck in traffic and was late to work. Choosing to just allow the situation to peacefully unfold in my head instead of fuming, made all the difference for how I was to start my day off.
We live in contentious times. We each get to choose if we’re going to get sucked into the anger machine, or if we choose not to. I choose not to, my own mental health needs me to keep out of it. My anger won’t change anything in this world, but it could end up causing someone else to be hurt.
Wonderfully wise, Tamara. You’ve said it better than I could have. Another way I’ve heard that statement is “Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s all small stuff.” Not quite true, of course, but more than true enough. Thank you, Tamara!