Lasting relationships have become a “maybe/maybe not” roll of two slippery dice.
MAY 30, 2024 — The U.S. Census Bureau today released estimates showing that married-couple households made up 47% of all households in 2022, down from 71% in 1970.*
Before I discuss how to evaluate your relationship’s stability, let’s examine some reasons for the decline noted above.
- The sexual revolution of the 1960s removed the shame attached to premarital intercourse, especially for young women. To the extent that sex is an incentive to marry, one needn’t commit to marriage anymore for this kind of togetherness.
- The change in standards just described captures what Oscar Wilde said in the late 19th century:
“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”
- Divorce is also more frequent than it used to be, making marriage a more obvious gamble. While the annual rate of divorce has declined in recent years, it remains far higher than it was before the ’60s:
Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018
- Many more women have lives outside the home and in the workplace. Historically, women left their residence only with their mate or a chaperone. Now, both partners have more freedom to meet other attractive people.
- The church doesn’t have the hold on individuals and their lives to the extent it once did. Oral contraceptives have reduced the number of “accidents,” which used to cause the parents and clergymen of a young couple to encourage or insist on their marriage.
- Many women have discovered they can have fulfilling lives without a significant other and prefer to enjoy that freedom. Society’s historical expectations to produce children have diminished, and the birth rate has declined, leaving females less encumbered.
- The Internet provides endless opportunities to meet new people. Pornography offers a substitute erotic charge.
- Our disposable world encourages us to get rid of objects and obtain new ones. This objectification extends to lovers. Those who depart often miss the learned experience of repairing relationships, an essential skill for a relationship to endure.
- We live in a world that changes at an accelerating pace, demanding more of us and requiring adaptation that is not our choice. If persuaded to “Be all you can be,” there is less encouragement to attend to the needs of others, including a partner and children. The Me generation is not the We generation.
- Women are less inclined to put their interests second or submit to men. The once-accepted dominance of men has been put in its place to some degree, but there is significant resistance. The cliche of “moving on” often wins over those who would otherwise view the one they love as worth fighting for or adapting to.
- Many believe the partner should complete him or her, producing a whole and blissful existence. If we are to feel complete and happy, that circumstance is more the work of each of us than anyone else.
Solutions? Whether you wish marriage or a less formal relationship, here’s one piece of advice. Do not assume that your significant other can read your mind. He or she cannot, even if he is a therapist. Speak up!
From time to time, it is wise to do a relationship check-up. In effect, you might call it an effort to determine the State of the Union.
Cover at least the following areas:
- Understanding. Does the partner see you as you wish to be seen?
- Non-sexual displays of affection.
- Sex.
- Do you enjoy your time together, and is there enough?
- Do you want more time apart?
- Do you want your partner to take initiative in any area, from sex to planning events?
- Would you like to engage in more activities, such as concerts, plays, spectator sports, workouts, seeing your family, dining out with others, taking courses together, watching movies, reading to each other or sharing the same book, etc.?
- Showing appreciation and kindness.
- Are chores and responsibilities fairly distributed at home and with children?
- Money.
- Conflict and Apology.
- Future Plans.
One could go on. Love continues for those who pursue it. It remains the thing that poets praise, and, for a great many, make the complications of a life together worth all the trouble.
Sigmund Freud reminded us that love and work are essential to our humanity. But perhaps he should have added that work on love is required to sustain love.
Why bother?
Because nothing else takes us over the moon.
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*The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR) at Bowling Green State University notes.
**Sources: NCFMR analyses of data from the National Vital Statistics, CDC/NCHS, 1900-2000; U.S. Census Bureau 2000 Decennial Census; U.S. Census Bureau (IPUMS), American Community Survey, 2010 and 2018 (IPUMS). Note: Data for Alaska begin in 1959. Data for Hawaii began in 1960.
The Maiden is the work of Gustav Klimt, 2013. The second painting is Paul Klee’s Architecture of the Plain, 1923. Both of these are sourced from Wikiart.org.
“Do not assume that your significant other can read your mind. He or she cannot, even if he is a therapist. Speak up!” You mean my wife can’t read my mind (especially my deepest feelings)? Ha ha. Such simple advice … but so true and so necessary for a healthy relationship. Thanks for the reminder!!!
You are welcome, Brian. Marital therapists routinely hear at least one partner (usually a woman) who states that the significant other “should be able” to know what she wants even though she has never said it. Hope your luck is better. None of us are fully transparent. Indeed, we don’t know ourselves as well as we might. Thanks, Brian.
Yes, this is a myth that women continue to believe. I know I believed it when I was younger, and it took its toll on my relationships, for my expectations weren’t based in any kind of reality. I’m not sure where I got the idea that “If a man REALLY loved me, and we was my soul mate, that he’d AUTOMATICALLY know what I was thinking and what I wanted.”
This magical thinking then went further, for I was fully invested in it, NEEDED it in order to feel loved and to convince myself that I had chosen a good partner, when in fact I had fallen in love with an alcoholic and drug addiction who was only focused on his own needs, surprise, surprise!
There is so much therapeutic help available now on videos and memes floating around the social webs that people are able to see the emotional damages and ravages that weren’t spoken about decades ago. I think a lot of that information is also contributing to people leaving relationships that aren’t working out because they now know what’s going on and not feeling isolated and alone in their struggles.
Previously there were a lot of forced marriages, often because of pregnancy, and the people who were forced to be together didn’t necessarily love each other or want to be together, so many took it out on their partner and children. Divorce in those situations isn’t a bad thing, if they weren’t a good match from the start.
I get to speak with teens and young adults, and I’m happy to hear them talk about what is a good relationship, their understanding is much more realistic that what I remember my generation spoke about. There are now a huge amount of people either working on their inner healing or contemplating it, whereas in my mother and grandmother’s times, that was inconceivable and one was taught one simply had to bear their burdens, which meant suffering in silence.
Our interpersonal relationships have been going through massive changes, and the need to no longer suffer in silence has been a huge shift. I’m optimistic about the staus of future relationships.
A wonderful and very personal description of the nature of relationships and our changing times. Many, many thanks, Tamara!
Thank you! Yes, I’m very encouraged by what I’m seeing
I really like Brian’s comment…those words also jumped out at me as sage and true! Along with this powerful observation, Dr. Stein: “Our disposable world encourages us to get rid of objects and obtain new ones.” The fact that it applies to relationships and not just material goods is sad but true – very often.
Love how you closed this essay…yes, indeed. Be prepared to work for love. Thank you! 💕
Work for love and enjoy your trip to the moon, Vicki. Everything you’ve written suggests you have managed to do both. Lucky lady! Thank you!
Thank you, Dr. Stein! ❤️
Dr. Stein, your very informative article makes clear how our society has changed with regards to our intimate relationships and the marital union. Perhaps the time has come to rethink the norms regulating the institution of marriage.
Thank you, Rosaliene. The norms will evolve naturally unless those who wish to dictate them insist on taking a hand in the process! I suspect people of marriageable age will make the difference and choose what fits our uncertain world.
Fascinating essay, Dr. Stein. I love, “It remains the thing that poets praise, and, for a great many, make the complications of a life together worth all the trouble.”
Despite being divorced and not-partner, I agree that love is worth it. But you are also right that love takes work and so I find myself not wanting to take any more of that on at the moment. I think there’s a timing part of this that plays into it as well.
Thanks for this incredibly insightful look at love and relationships!
Indeed, Wynne, timing sometimes counts for everything — who you meet when, age differences, and the moment in a person’s life. Your choice sounds wise. Thank you for adding something important to the essay.