Much as we understand others, there are often things of which we aren’t aware. The painted acquaintance remains unfinished, no matter how long our association.
Secrets separate — the embarrassing imperfections, the naked truth. All the uncomfortable territory the other prefers to shield, and we never inquire about.
Humans, including the most intelligent, also hide shortcomings from themselves. Intelligence counts for little in such matters. Our species defends against recognizing its flaws.
Even those who have taken several looks in the mirror might ignore or miss shadows. Figurative blind spots cover troubling thoughts.
We repress elements of the dark side, an unconscious, self-protective act. The psychological defense of denial recalls an old play on words known to counselors: “Denial is not a river in Egypt,” a phrase referencing the famous Nile River. The Nile, not denial.
Rationalization cannot be escaped in full, an attempt to give reasons that purify and satisfy our conscience and those who stand in judgment of what we have done.
Projection is another part of our defensive toolkit, characterized by assigning our flaws to friends and strangers. One might go on. There are more ways to keep knowledge of ourselves from ourselves.
Since we don’t want to reveal everything or allow the other to ask us about the guarded portion of our life, we hesitate to open the door to mutual shared intimacies.
Here are a few of those questions (below each photo) that often go unasked and might be experienced as an interrogation by the one from whom answers are expected:
- Are you as happy as you appear to be?
- What single moment in your life would you repeat?
- If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
- How often do you think about death?
- What is the thing you’ve never told anyone?
- What is the action you are most proud of?
- The worst? Why?
- How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
- Do you think you are moral? In what way do your actions demonstrate your morality or fall short?
- Do you attempt to reduce climate change? In what ways?
- Do you live by the commandment in Leviticus 19:33-34 of the Hebrew Bible? “The stranger who dwells among you shall be to you as one born among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.”
- What role does anger play in your life?
- Kindness?
- Do you aid the poor and homeless?
- What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?
- When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
- How have you changed in the last 10 years?
- Will you be recalled in 100 years? What would you like to be remembered for? Why does it matter?
- Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
- Do you value enjoyable activities more than purchased objects? Which of these is more fulfilling? Why do you think so?
- Do you envy the life of another? Why?
- Have you committed adultery? Why? What happened?
- What is the state of your marriage? Would you marry the same person again? Would you stay single? Why?
- What have you learned about life that you didn’t grasp in early adulthood?
- Describe the most courageous act of your life. How about the least admirable?
- What must you change to improve your life?
- Are you lovable? What makes you so?
- Do these questions cause discomfort?
- Are you answering them truthfully?
- If a genie gave you three wishes, what would you wish for?
- Are you happier alone or with others?
- Can you be yourself with others?
- Are you more emotional or logical?
- Are you more like your father or your mother? In what ways?
- Are you happy with that? Have you tried to modify any of those qualities?
- Do you worry about what people say about you? Why? What difference does it make?
- Does anyone see you as you would like to be seen?
- What are your values and which do you give priority? How high do you place your own happiness? Justify it.
- Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?
The list could go on.
Of course, you might want to ask yourself these questions before contemplating the uncomfortable task of questioning anyone.
Another way to approach the subject would be to ask, “What would Jesus do?” As an alternative, fill in the name of the historical or religious figure of your choice.
There are no requirements here, but you might learn something by considering the thoughts and feelings the list has provoked.
So would we all.
==========
The top image is The Two Faces of Juliet by György Kepes, sourced from Wikart.org. The two photographs are the work of Fan Ho. The first is called Smokey World (1959). The second is entitled Black Lane (1960).
excellent things to consider and reflect upon .and to give honest answers to
Thank you, Beth. It would be interesting to know how many will “consider and reflect.” For some, I am sure, it would be challenging. For others, I hope, it will offer some enlightenment.
Three things speak to me in this piece, dear Dr. Stein:
1. First — this! Especially the last sentence! Some seem uniquely wired to remain in ignorance.
“Humans, including the most intelligent, also hide shortcomings from themselves. Intelligence counts for little in such matters. Our species defends against recognizing its flaws.”
2. Your list of questions to ponder and consider. Oh my. I read it through twice. I’ll need to come back. So much to consider in the invitation for introspection, reflection.
3. The last photo you included – “Black Lane” from Fan Ho. Stunning. Thank you for the introduction.
💕
Yes, Fan Ho was something special. I am glad the questions didn’t result in flight! Many thanks for your thoughts, Vicki.
Self-reflection, true self-reflection has to be one of the most difficult things. I try to do this as I am getting older.
It will be interesting to answer all those questions.
I pasted them into a word document and will answer them- truthfully be it painful or not.
Thank you! Excellent post.
You are welcome, Laura. I think of you as someone who has faced more than few challenging things. Thank you in advance for taking on the implicit challenge in the list. Brava!
Dr. Stein, that’s quite an impressive list of questions that often go unasked! I’m not an interrogator type of person. I’ve found that observation and listening can reveal a lot about others with whom I have close contact. Actions speak louder than words, the Elders used to say. Of course, there is the danger of misinterpretation or misjudgment.
My firstborn and I do not share the same view about the raids on our immigrant communities. He asked me the other day why I care so much about illegal immigrants. After all these years of shared lived experiences, I was surprised that he should ask me such a question. I guess there comes a time when we do have to ask certain questions.
I am sure you have become an acute observer of the human condition, Rosaliene. Your survival in multiple countries and occupations surely is quite a training ground. As to your experience with your son, we all get surprised, myself included. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
🙂 <3
I don’t know if you’re familiar with Storyworth. It is a simple concept, where you are given a question each week to respond to. If you don’t like the question of the week, you can choose one of the other ones on their list, or even make up your own. The idea is to accumulate all of these responses into a book. You can also add photos if you want.
My sister-in-law knows I like to write and got me a one-year subscription as a Christmas present. (The subscription comes with one hardcover book, but you can buy extra copies as well.) Many people give the book to a child or grandchild. The reason I’m telling you all this is that some of your questions are identical or nearly the same as those Storyworth has given me.
I received a Storyworth gift from one of my children several years ago. I found some of their questions to be relatively generic and therefore might seem familiar. I discarded many of the questions my daughter had chosen for me and replaced them with my own.
I have read more than a few things (as you have) from many sources over the years. Some have remained with me or been altered by me as time passed. As I think back to the StoryWorth offerings, they tended not to be provocative enough to have made it to my list or the list anyone else who has thought about the same subject.
I’d prefer to have have recalled some of the questions that Socrates used, but if I remembered him as the one who spoke them, I’d have given him the credit! As Ecclesiates 1:9 tells us: “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done, is that which shall be done; and there is no new thing under the sun.” Thanks for commenting, Pete.
Dr. Stein, I love this list! I often ponder these questions about myself and others, and with a few individuals we’re able to have these types of deep conversations. I saved the list, I believe it will be very helpful to some of my future students.
Thank you, Tamara. I am especially happy to hear that you think it will help others. My very best luck to them, and you, of course!
These are amazing questions to meditate on – thank you for this incredible list. I think attempting to be self-aware helps in many regards – maybe worthy of being proud of. Thank you for this thoughtful post!
Thank you, Wynne. Part of our human problem is that most intelligent people of my acquaintance think they are fully self aware, but quite a few do not recognize who they are, at least not in full. I am reminded of Wilde’s Dorian Gray, who sees his portrait and is horrified by it. Instead of changing himself, he hides the portrait. If people were more self aware, we would be getting along with each other far more, learning to trust, ignoring the hateful messages generated by algorithms, and recognizing that our limitations should be confronted lest we destroy the planet and each other. Sorry for the dystopia, but I do worry about my adult children and my grandchildren.
Those are some tough but good questions, Dr. Stein. This particular one is interesting: “Do these questions cause discomfort?” Absolutely. It brings up all kinds of strange emotions. I might use them and write answers to each one in my journal. It’s going to be a great exercise, for sure.
You are a brave fellow to create answers, Edward! I am not surprised. Thanks for your kudos!
You’re very welcome, and who knows, maybe I’ll share some of the answers in my blog.
As a fiction writer, some of these questions would be great to ask my characters.
I am sure you can find a way to incorporate such questions in your writing. Good luck, Evelyn, and thanks for your comment,
Thanks for visiting my site. I would be thrilled if you’d write a guest blog post for my site. If you think it might be fun or helpful to have my followers (who total about 10k across my various social media) meet you, here’s the link for general guidelines:
https://wp.me/p6OZAy-1SOc
If you’re still open to me writing a guest blog, I am open to it.