I can’t wait. Three words that get us into a lot of trouble. Especially in the hot pursuit of love.
Waiting is difficult. Think of the doctor’s waiting room, or an unchanging traffic light. Or perhaps marking time for a job interview or hoped-for movement in the grocery store.
Zen practitioners remind us that these situations offer opportunities to learn patience, not evoke annoyance. Indeed, there is something worthwhile in their point of view if you are trying to win a potential lover.
Timing counts (pun intended). Lots of questions to answer: how often to call or text, when to display affection, and how to express feelings for the other.
Where is your heart?
I’m not talking about how soon to make love. As difficult as such decisions can be, many people are not troubled by outward physical acts. Instead, the issues I’m raising have to do with showing you care, a thing beyond sexuality.
Extremes of behavior tend to be dangerous. The anxious young admirer either holds back or rushes to reveal that the beloved is his starlit night sky and morning’s birdsong. Sometimes it causes the desired one to run screaming into a less magical night, as far from you as possible.
She is right to be scared if you betray her importance to you after spending two evenings with her! Pedestals are expensive, and your love may have a fear of heights! The faster you dash after her, the speedier she will sprint, without discovering anything worthwhile about you.
When the flood and drama of urgency begin, the full-throttle pressure to chase your freshly anointed favorite is almost unbearable.
It is hard to withhold what is oozing from your veins or betraying your emotions in some other way: candy, flowers, poetry, and endless compliments—all with a perpetually melting gaze, the type puppy dogs offer their mistresses.
You become so enamored of the other that your soul aches upon hearing her voice, and her smile at you makes you want to cheer.
Get a grip if you can—a big if, my friend. Some restraint might be necessary to give the relationship and mutual feelings time to develop.
How will you select the moment or manner of disclosing your desire? Sometimes, signs signal she shares your sentiments, at least a little, and wants you to proceed.
Unfortunately, green and red work perfectly only on traffic lights.
Confused?
If you are inclined to verbalize the premature “I adore you,” it is almost impossible to stop yourself.
Second, the intimations can be indecipherable without a lot of experience (and, on occasion, with it).
One needs practice in figuring out another person. Making a fool of yourself and having your heart broken are a part of growing up. When you are in love, your soul makes you do things your brain thinks unwise.
If you keep taking the first step and it always falls flat, it’s time to pursue therapy. The same would be true if you never take the risk. A bruised ego is part of your instruction.
Our hearts are not unbreakable. Romance can be a train wreck, but a dangerous ride is the only transport to a destination we long for. As Bart Giamatti wrote:
It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.
Giamatti wrote this about baseball, but he might as well have been writing about falling in love or anything about which we care deeply.
Anything in which the dream of winning is unfulfilled.
We are such stuff as dreams are made on.
So voiced the redoubtable William Shakespeare.
Dreams of love are like flowers—they need planting and watering; some good weather and time to cultivate. Do not pick the just-opened bud too soon.
Do your best, but don’t expect to remake yourself. We humans are less than ideal at seeing into the soul of another. As terrible as it is, we all need some heartbreak—it helps you grow in maturity, understanding, and compassion.
Remember, almost everyone recovers.
Try again. Somewhere, somehow—someone may be waiting.
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The top image is called Blindfolded Boy Chasing Another, courtesy of Pearson Scott Foresman. It is followed by Holi: A Sacred Ancient Tradition of Hindus, by Shohrab Hossain Titu. Both pictures are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
The observation that restraint may be necessary…for mutual feelings to develop…such an insight. There seems to be urgency operating in budding relationships…a couple of situations I’m aware of…and your essay is a well-timed gem, Dr. Stein. I chuckled when I read, “Pedestals are expensive, and your love may have a fear of heights! The faster you dash after her, the speedier she will sprint, without discovering anything worthwhile about you.”
😊😊😊
Thanks, Vicki. For therapists, a piece like this kind of writes itself. Of course, we are participants in the pursuit and therapists, and at my age have seen a few things. I should add, made a mess of a few things in my dating life. I am grateful now only to be pursuing my next meal!
Smiling! I’m smiling! Same. 🥰❤️🥰
Oh goodness. I suck at waiting and I show it openly. I am the most inpatient person in e v e r y waiting room. You are correct…pedestals are expensive, perhaps too costly?
Indeed, too costly my dear. Thank you for your being so open. That, by itself, displays a brave soul.
So many lovely analogies in this piece, Dr. Stein. It’s so very true about patience. I have certainly been the one speedily sprinting away before in response to over-eagerness.
I like William Shakespeare’s words, Dr. Stein! Many thanks:)
Thank you, Martina. Yes, and from a great play, too, one I am sure you know. There is magic in those words, pun intended.
Good morning, dr.Stein, it should be the great Romeo e Julia !All the best!
Ah, the angst of timing. I’m so glad that I’ve been happily married for 39 years and don’t have to go through any of this.
Exactly my feelings, Pete. It is a whirlwind that makes one a bit crazy. Congratulations to you and your partner on your 39 years!
Getting to know someone takes time and effort, and can’t be hurried along just because one or both people are in love with the idea of being in love.
These days, there’s a lot of love bombing going on to create a speedy and false sense of intimacy. We know that people do this for various reasons of their own, but the end result won’t give either side what they were wanting when they engaged and participated in the behavior.
Patiently cultivating a relationship has been unfairly lumped in with being friend-zoned, and that hurts people’s egos.
Physical intimacy created a fast sense of intimacy, but the emotional aspect was missing, so many supplied wishful thinking and projecting their own thoughts on the other person, and then we’re dismayed to finally get to know each other and discover that who the assumed the person to be wasn’t the reality.
Patience is truly a virtue, and one we need to develop to become able to then develop deeper relationships.
Wise words and thanks for them, Tamara. Those whose hormones are set on high have more trouble with holding themselves back, as you know. We were built to pump out children. The bodies take this on while our brains are flooded with desire. I suppose this will always be true, but for those who can take your excellent advice.
Sound advice, Dr. Stein. In my younger days, I recall “extremes of behavior” that sent me running. When it comes to patience, I’ve observed that it sometimes has an expiry date.
Well said, Rosaliene. I think there a lots of expiration dates out there, though our younger selves have some trouble grasping this in time. It would be interesting if we each had a label on us with our expiration date for a variety of youthful endeavors.
Great post and advice, Dr. Stein. Allowing time for the relationship to develop and for true colors to emerge is important. That will minimize the chances of getting into a toxic relationship.
Thank you, Edward. A funny thing is that my oldest friend, a U of Chicago graduate with a Harvard Ph.D., met and married his wife at age 22 or so, and they remain happily married in their late 70s. I guess he was ahead of the class in more ways than one!
Ah, replete with wisdom. I love this advice, “Get a grip if you can—a big if, my friend. Some restraint might be necessary to give the relationship and mutual feelings time to develop.”
And the advice to keep trying. Right! Thanks, Dr. Stein!
You are welcome, Wynne. I am lucky to be out of that particular challenge–the rollercoaster ride of the dating game. Keep trying, to those who are in it. I am sympathetic.