Many of us write about how to find fulfillment. Add our plentiful commentary on acceptance, gratitude, achievement, loss, depression, defeat, and victory.
Somehow, at least one thing is left out.
Cheating.
In childhood, it was unimaginable to me. Yes, kids cheated on tests, threw snowballs at moving buses, and found miscellaneous ways to raise hell.
Yet the adults I encountered all appeared decent enough, unlike the fraudulent and dangerous types in news reports. TV was the box where bad guys lived and did their worst, not in my neighborhood.
My dad had a small business, which offered a different story. Mercury Lighter Service was a side job he created, fixing cigarette lighters.
Milton Stein and my mother, Jeanette, learned to repair most of those that were broken.
My parents performed their magic on our dining room table after dinner, after my father came home from his supervisory position at the post office and his second job, keeping the books for my Uncle Sam’s business.
His enterprise was not without its share of upset.
Like deadbeats.
He muttered the word, sometimes changing it to “another deadbeat.“
I asked him what he was talking about. “Adults don’t always pay their bills,” he replied. There were many reasons, including the desire to cheat you.
Such men—it was always men—seemed outliers to me, not regular, honest folk. Perhaps I wanted to envision the world as a benign place. Later, I discovered that the people of the planet were more complicated.
Here, however, is something close to the truth. It is part of a footnote to the Enchiridion, itself a discourse recorded by Arrian, from the teaching he received as a student of the philosopher Epictetus:
Those who have the ability sufficient to raise themselves from a low estate, and at the same time do it to the damage of society, are perhaps only few, but certainly there are such persons.
They rise by ability, by the use of fraud, by bad means almost innumerable. They gain wealth, they fill high places, they disturb society, they are plagues and pests, and the world looks on sometimes with stupid admiration until death removes the dazzling and deceitful image, and honest men breathe freely again.
Stupid admiration. An interesting phrase. The crooks would be easier to recognize if each took the same name and a differentiating number—something like Stupid Admiration #1, #32, #47, etc.
The swindlers can be hard to identify and receive high praise from sycophants and those who want to ride the master’s coattails to wealth.
Does it appear to you that criminals have mushroomed? How do some of them do so well at profiting from their corruption?
Consider the word “con men,” short for confidence men, meaning they gain your confidence so they can take what you have.
The rascals flatter you, recognize that you want to be seen, approved of, and admired. Swinders offer a vision of the future in which your life will be better. They will help to make it, too.
One thinks he is lucky to have found such a person, a kind of father figure and wizard put together. I was taken in by such a one once, years ago.
It happens, but why?
Almost everyone, deep down, wants to be cared for. No wonder that wounded men on the battlefield cry out for their mothers, as they have since the beginning of time.
They search for a place in a trusted group, people who resemble them, think as they do, and brace them against the possibility of others, either different or suspicious.
Laughter, love, kindness, and locked arms fulfill an ageless wish. Togetherness means more when it promises the security of survival. The saying goes, “I will be there for you.“
The fraudster plays on all this and more.
Today, many people ask what they should do to thwart dishonesty and bad faith. Many are afraid, confused, depressed, or all of these.
They hope for a leader, a savior, a person to lean on; someone who can win the day, take the group’s prize to the car wash, soap away the darkness, and bring the light.
If you could sell guaranteed trust and a supportive community on a street corner, you would make a fortune.
The world will always need saving. It always has.
That said, most of us have faith in the basic decency of humankind. My dad didn’t give up his small business or hide from others because of a few underhanded debtors.
Milton Stein went to WWII in a uniform he believed in. To him, it represented the rightness of the fight. He returned still faithful to my mother, and she to him.
Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.
And then there is love.
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The top image is a Poster for the American Drama film The Cheat (1923).
The second item is an Advertisement for the American Comedy-Romance film The Confidence Man (1924), starring Thomas Meighan, from the March 29, 1924, cover of the Exhibitors Trade Review. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Gerry, you write about how we get conned by people ho know how to manipulate our need to trust, and our need to be trusted and cared for. The ones you write about are small time hustlers, compared the real giants of the game. Both of us have been conned but mine was over 60 years ago and cost me a couple of bucks from a person saying he was a neighbor and needed some cab fare, which he would repay.
Alas, today, we have been conned on a global scale by a mentally deranged, vindictive, kleptocrat who rules this country with lies and willing abettors and now has dreams of doing this for the world. Blithely upsetting this country’s rule of law and its Constitution, he is now undoing the world order that has kept the West safe for the last 80 years. He is also starting to murder American citizens with his ICE/Gestapo – the third murder occurring just a couple of hours ago in Minneapolis. Innocent citizens who are branded “domestic terrorists” by the very law institutions designed to protest their rights.
And about one third of the country – if we believe the polls – are OK with this. The ultimate con! And the Goebbels dictum of the more repeated and greater the lie, the more it will be believed, still applies.
So what do we do? You write:
Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn.
And then there is love.
I feel it is getting very dark and wonder whether I will see a dawn in my lifetime. I feel much love around me but wonder if this is enough to end the terror. Some of my truth-telling commentators are still hopeful that the American people will rise up. But will they — soon enough?
Quite down and not helped by 8 degree temperatures,
Your regular reader and friend,
Eric
Thank you for your comment, Eric. First, I have once again replaced the name WordPress has given you. I do not know how to change it any other way. Sorry for this.
Your thoughts are well taken. I don’t have a solution to the prevailing difficulties in our country. Those who are distressed need to take what comfort they can from a variety of actions that address those problems. Some of them have worked, at least to some extent.
I am aware of the Minneapolis problems from the news reports and the phone camera footage. It is heartbreaking.
I have no timeline nor certainty about what is going to happen and when. I will say that we have the model of our black friends and the heroic and peaceful efforts of such people as John Lewis and MLK. It is dark, and I am glad you have much love around you.
As MLK said, “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” Keep the faith, Eric.
I see the world has many, many more bad people that I originally would have thought. Some are outright bad, awful people, and others are opportunists. Whereas previously the opportunists wouldn’t have tried to do anything nefarious, for fear of being caught, they now see so many others appearing to get away with their crimes, that FOMO (fear of missing out) has given them courage to join the ranks. Social media has contributed to this in a big way. Still hidden are the many good people who wouldn’t think of doing anything crooked, and they don’t go online to trumpet their goodness. If someone does, they usually do so to hide the multiple bad things they have done.
Even if it seems like EVERYONE has succumbed to cheating others or the system, can we still hold onto our moral compass?
The experimental data I am aware of does point to conditions impacting such things as moral (or rule abiding) behavior. Think of taking a test in a university classroom that has one or more people monitoring the students, vs. the same classroom operating on the honor system. More cheating happens without a monitor.
One of the ways that people get through challenging times is to have friends and loved ones of similar opinions to talk with and offer mutual comfort. There are also actions like calling your Congressmen or writing postcards with a brief script to people in states that have a chance to flip races.
This costs you the price of the postcard. Check the Indivisible website for many other actions that you can take. The ones I’ve mentioned are unlikely to trigger those who have sustained major trauma and might even provide a sense of agency and the knowledge that you have some control. There are still many people who are holding their moral ground and more. Keep the faith, Tamara.
I believe that without “the basic decency of humankind,” our species would’ve long self-destruct. The cheaters revel in their exploits and conquests, ignoring that their lives depend upon the pillars they so gleefully undermine. It’s my hope that the new dawn will bring a new awareness and new ways of thinking, being, and doing, built on love and mutual respect.
I think about topic often. Perhaps naively, I’ve preferred to assume that most people are inherent good, despite being burned again and again. I can’t help but have faith in the basic decency of humankind, as I’m sure is true of nearly everyone reading.
I think back 200 and 200,000 years ago and how human had their tribes of approximately 150 individuals. If someone misbehaved, they were banished and then perished. Today, the swindlers can con one person and then move on to the next without repercussion. The good, ethical folks can do our best to recognize and avoid the bad actors as a means of self-preservation, but there is also so much value in believing the dawn is coming–the things will get better, especially when we’re taking individual actions to support the desired future.
Beautiful, thought-provoking piece, as always. Thank you, Dr. Stein.
As MLK said, we have to believe that we will get to the other side of the river, though he had doubts about his ability to make it there for himself. That reminds me of Moses, actually.
According to the Hebrew Bible, Moses led the Jews out of Egypt, but God did not let him cross the River Jordan. Joshua did. But Moses was permitted to look over the river to see the other side. For myself, I do not need to see it, but I remain hopeful that my children and grandchildren will. And I do more than hope.
Beautiful analogy. Dr. Stein. And, absolutely. Whether or not we actually cross the river, we can do everything in our power to make preparation.
This sentence in your beautiful essay stopped me cold:
“TV was the box where bad guys lived and did their worst, not in my neighborhood.”
Yearning for trust – I see and feel that in dear ones around me, especially those who are raising children and feeling uncertain about how to protect them from the enemies on TV, in media and in the neighborhoods. I never considered how privileged my childhood was in many ways. With few exceptions, I was assured of safety and didn’t carry the burdens I see pervasively in others. Parents trying to protect their children without stability themselves. What a blessing it was to grow up where villains were largely on screen.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful message this morning, Dr. Stein. Your concluding phrase is hopeful and I’m reeling it in. “And then there is love.” 💝
Thanks, Vicki. Many of my generation have talked about the same recent awareness of how lucky we were to live in the conditions we took for granted.
This sentence especially caught my attention:”Parents trying to protect their children without stability themselves.” You are spot on. I wonder if some believe they shouldn’t speak of what is happening. My question is whether this works. Many find rallies particularly uplifting and there are postcard parties of like minded people who make friends while doing the work of erasing the dark side.
As therapists we know that some troubles must be expressed and processed. And, to repeat myself, “And then there is love.” Keep the faith, my dear friend.
Thank you for being you! Take care, my friend. ❤️
I have always found it a bit difficult to become anyone else! Much appreciated, Vicki!
Smiling over here! Smiling! Thank you for that! 🥰
Glad to hear it. And you have such a pretty smile, too!
We have to hang on to the goodness of people in these dark days. I’m not sure if you saw the news headlines this week about the capture by the FBI, RCMP and Mexican authorities of former Canadian Olympic snowboarder, turned drug kingpin and murderer, Ryan Wedding. One of the interviews I saw after his capture was from another former Olympic snowboarder who said Wedding was driven to a lifestyle of crime because of chronic underfunding in the Canadian Olympic system.
What????? It was a ridiculous statement but it made me consider what makes some people turn to a life of crime and evil, while others rise above their hardship and thrive.
I hope the light and love shine through soon, Dr. Stein. Many are losing hope.
Thank you, Michelle. Yes, we must hang on to goodness and, I would add, take what action we can.
There is a 1949 Bogart movie, “Knock on Any Door,” that addresses the question of how criminals come to be. Societal ills, of course, aren’t the only cause, and we both can point to many in high places who came from privileged backgrounds.
We live in a society that values money and status, not exactly providing understanding and motivation that other things are more important.
While I understand how easy hope can be lost, I am not yet in that camp. There are so many folks I know who do there best to resist. Do remember that Hitler believed he had created a “Thousand Year Reich.” It lasted from 1933 to 1945. Be well, my dear.
Thank you, Dr. Stein. ☀️
😁
Beautiful, Dr. Stein. I love “The world will always need saving. It always has.” Thank goodness for people like Milt Stein and for love. And for you reminding us that it is darkest before dawn — and that we can help!
Thank you, Wynne. The tide is slow to turn, but it will. The cost is sometimes beyond counting, but in the land of the brave we shall overcome.
So much here, Dr. Stein, and so little time to discuss it all. This part: “They rise by ability, by the use of fraud, by bad means almost innumerable…” highlights some of the main problems we have in society. Some people are always looking for ways to cheat on income and corporate taxes, medical and insurance claims, creating fake companies to obtain government funds, using other people’s money, and then relying on bankruptcy laws to avoid repayment—the list goes on. This kind of cheating is what upsets me, because it takes resources away from the people who need them most. We all know the current condition of the Social Security system, and I can’t believe the cap is in the $180,000 range. Knowing that Social Security is a program designed to help those in need, you would think there should be no cap and that FICA should be adjusted to earnings no matter how many millions or billions someone earns. But I guess that’s how some people “rise by ability,” by protecting the rich and penalizing those in need.