Woody Allen denies he ever said, “Ninety percent of life is showing up.”
Still, someone did.
Regardless of the author, what does it mean?
It refers to taking chances and working hard; if not welcoming challenges, at least not shying away from them. They often come without an announcement for those who listen for their call.
In and out of my clinical practice, I met people who didn’t “show up,” sometimes literally. Such individuals fail to invest time and effort in therapy or in whatever they claim is important to them.
How many people say their family is the essential thing in life but allocate their hours as if loved ones were second, third, or even lower on the list?
“Showing up” means admitting you value something or someone and strive for consistency between your words and deeds. Of course, when acknowledging the worth of any goal, you take the risk that failing to pursue it, discover it, or maintain it will disappoint you.
Other self-deceptions can also motivate the failure to be present. The parent who claims his children are Number #1 might substitute “quality time” for an inadequate quantity. Providing gifts does not constitute a valid excuse for the absence of a benign and caring adult presence. Worse still is when the parent blames the young one or the spouse for his absence.
Teens are not free of their own self-willed ignorance about what they do. I treated some teenagers who denied that school mattered and didn’t try hard. In this way, they protected themselves against possible frustration.
Better to be considered indifferent than unable to “do the thing you think you cannot do,” as Eleanor Roosevelt noted. The adolescents in question armored their egos against the hurt that comes with the awareness of inability.
Some of these kids might have succeeded with sufficient dedication, persistence, and a little assistance. The decision not to “show up” became a self-fulfilling prophecy, guaranteeing the result they feared.
“Showing up” often brings unexpected benefits, as well. If people associate your face with diligence, they may give you a second look. Your effort and identity stamp you as someone reliable and conscientious.
The memory of those qualities associated with your name increases your chances of being called upon. Someone comes to believe in what you can do, sometimes even an unknown authority who has been told about you.
Is this luck? Perhaps. But by living this way, you will find yourself more often in the right place at the right time. Or, as Branch Rickey stated, “Luck is the residue of design.”
In addition, if you wish, enlist the seven Ps of military training and project management to achieve a thoughtful approach to taking on the world and accomplishing your task:
Prior Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.
This is not a delicate way to think about your preparedness for “showing up,” but it can be useful, nonetheless.
Determination pays off in unexpected ways. Countless stories tell us how bright and attractive women come to fall in love with men who, at first, make no impression.
Over time, these ladies admired the man who appeared dedicated and sincere in his pursuit (I’m not talking about stalkers). The strength of the man’s personality and the sheer amount of contact allowed her to see him in a fresh light.
Contrast this with gentlemen who are afraid to approach a woman, unable to imagine she might reciprocate their interest. The most successful suitors are those who don’t worry much about rejection, or if they do, refuse to let the potential pain stop them.
They think more about the goal than future disappointment.
There is much to behold when the sun is ablaze, but what you focus on sometimes makes a transformative difference in where you land. Too many of us become as sightless as those who are blind.
A woman I talked with at a high school reunion said that all the attractive girls wondered what they’d done wrong when the boys didn’t ask them out. Most of the young men were terrified! The ones who walked the high wire of romance claimed the field for themselves.
Fear doesn’t get you far in life. We tend to regret missed opportunities more than those we reach for but fail to grab. On one’s deathbed, no one admits, “Gee, I should have done less with my life.” The only exception to this rule of regret is realizing that you spent inadequate time with your children, a belated sadness that trumps much else.
Many tell themselves they won’t act until the moment is right, as if waiting for their feelings to catch up to their desires is a recipe for accomplishment.
Instead, events often turn out the other way around: hesitation changes over time through repeated action and risk-taking. And nearly as often, your emotions can be modified by what you tell yourself about them.
One can decatastrophize the situation by looking at it through an objective lens of reality and the lessons of history, both your own and others’.
The telescopic magnification of emotion and imagination must be set aside.
If fear prevents you from translating your values into visible effort, those guiding matters of importance might as well not exist. If your anxiety leads to avoidance, perhaps you will also miss what psychotherapy can do to put you on the right path in small steps.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often beneficial in dealing with social anxieties and other fears, producing empirically verified results otherwise unavailable. There is no shame in having fear; everyone experiences it, and some amount of anxiety is useful. However, allowing paralyzing worry to capture all your days must be escaped.
For those who dare to face their troubling anticipations (with a bit of help), life can provide rewards thought unavailable.
Don’t be afraid to change. “Show up” for life.
Remember, “this isn’t the rehearsal; this is the performance.”
==========
The image at the top of the post is a reporter raising his hand to ask a question of U.S. Army General Ray Odierno at the Pentagon Press Conference on Iraq, June 4, 2010. It is a U.S. Army photo taken by Cherie Cullen.
The second image is a Poster for the Federal Theatre Project presentation of “Help Yourself” at the Musart Theatre, 1320 S. Figueroa, Los Angeles, Calif., showing a bank teller and a woman with bags and stacks of money, 1937, Library of Congress.
Finally, “The Bravery” is an album cover of a release by Kirill Fandeev. All three are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
If I had read this article 4 years ago, I know I would have scoffed & dismissed it. However, you are so right. The best thing I’ve ever done for myself was to “show up” for counselling twice a week. When I started I was referred from work & had already decided before going that it wasn’t me who needed help, it was everyone else! (I wonder how many times you have heard that statement?) Slowly, I could see the benefits of “showing up” & also “doing the work” Fear is such a powerful emotion & quite difficult to shift. I’ve started on that shift & am facing my demons & I have changed. I love that change, but know that unless I truly valued the work, that change would never have happened. It takes courage & takes you out of your comfort zone, which is a very scary place to be. Allowing yourself to be so vulnerable & exposed is a painful place to be.
It’s much easier to “not show up” but if I’d decided to go that route (which was my default place) I would have missed out on being the “real” person that I’ve become.
You state;…… “Showing up brings unexpected benefits” which is absolutely right.
Well said, Joanna. Yes, those who come to change others hear the therapist tell them that the only thing they control is themselves. The Stoic philosophers were among the first to assert this point. I applaud your bravery and your self-awareness.
I wanted to read at least three of your older posts tonight, and then continue with another four every week or two weeks. I skip over some, or skim them. This one caught my attention. I am guilty of no shows in therapy. I am also guilty of waiting for the right time. My experience with CBT has been vastly different from what you describe here. I never had a real dialogue, but I did have charts I would use on my own, which were similar to thought records. CBT was very short, so I had initially thought that you were more psychodynamic or humanistic in your approaches. All this time I had felt sour toward CBT, except when I was in a counseling class and met my future mentor who taught that lesson well enough for me to appreciate it. When I learned recently that you were a cognitive therapist, I wondered how you could be so kind to me after maybe hearing me complain about CBT and my therapy experiences. The way you explained this here is what I am hoping for with my new VA therapist. I need that kind of dialogue to get my thinking straight, but without it affecting my chronic fatigue … Unless it decreased fatigue, of course. Hmm. I have a new perspective about CBT now.
If one lives long enough, Multinomial, one hopes to become less “attached and identified” with ideas; and therefore less troubled if someone doesn’t agree with them. I’m not perfect in this, but better than I was earlier in life. Anyway, CBT is more nuanced than it gets credit for. Glad you are seeing some of the nuance. And, for the record, I married a psychodynamic approach with a CBT approach. In some cases, the difference is one of language more than substance. Think about the concepts and transference and stimulus generalization and you’ll know what I mean.
That is so interesting, and it now makes sense to me. It’s cool that you would marry the two approaches. I never thought you could do that. I’m sure many of your clients benefited from your doing that though. Becoming “less attached and identified” with ideas is a challenge, but the goal of becoming less troubled with disagreements – now that’s hope! Thanks for those words of wisdom! 🙂
Reblogged this on Dr. Gerald Stein and commented:
Now More Than Ever: The Importance of “Showing Up”
As the world has become digitized, the possibility of being recognized as “worth knowing” has challenged many. Masks, however necessary, also prevent one from “being seen,” known, and noticed. If we hope to move forward, a presence that makes an impact and enough comfort to stand out remains a personal and professional necessity.
Finding friends and making a living are difficult without recognizing this necessity unless you have a large personality, a touch of genius, or an appearance striking to the eye.
My repost of an essay on this subject might give you a start:
Love all the examples that you give of the ways we can show up (or not) in life – work, romance, kids. It reminds me that we don’t just get to show up in one dimension – we have to practice that courage and discipline to show up in many. Beautiful post, Dr. Stein!
Thank you, Wynne. Life is far more complex than ever before, but one could say we have many more choices of where and in what manner to “show up.” I have the feeling you show up quite a lot and in some very impressive ways. Brava!
My interpretation of “showing up” means being on time and keeping commitments. Today it is so common to cancel last minute friend dates via text or to say, “Running late” repeatedly. As someone who grew up in a rather chaotic large household with parents who were chronically later, I developed “time anxiety”. I was the last kid picked up at birthday parties, dance lessons, and school. With no cell phones back then, I often worried something bad happened to my mom. Consequently, I taught my children time management skills and expected that they “show up”. In return, I always showed up for them. (And five minutes early!)
I think about the notion of “showing up” when I volunteer at assisted living. Some people regularly have visitors and others seem to have nobody. It saddens me to think that they don’t have anyone to lift their spirits, communicate with, or just spend time with. We all just want someone to care.
I love this, Dr. Stein—and I’m trying to practice it more and more because as you say, this isn’t a rehearsal, it’s the performance.