This is a mistake. My stomach is doing flip-flops. They’ll charge me a fortune if I vomit up the waiting room, and I’ll bet the lady sitting across from me will post a video of it.

I want out, but what good would that do?

Nothing will improve unless I do something — that’s what I’ve told myself. Man up, for God’s sake!

I’ll stay.

The psychologist is a stranger. He’s going to ask questions. What should I say? It’ll be too embarrassing. The things I’ve never said—for sure, he’ll want to hear. 

He’s a shrink. Does that mean my head will get smaller, like in Beetlejuice? He’s about to psychoanalyze me, but what can he tell me I haven’t told myself?

Sheila, my bestie, says he’s terrific — tender and brilliant. But I’m not Sheila. Sheila doesn’t know all the stuff inside my inside. I don’t even understand all my stuff. 

Try not to think about it.

The forms, of course. I finish and hand them over.

Here comes Dr. K.

Hmm. He has nice eyes and a sturdiness about him. Sheila called him a mensch, a person of dignity and integrity—someone you can count on.

Hmm. From the outside, he looks sure of himself—a quiet confidence. I like the way he carries himself.

I wonder if he can carry me?

Should I trust him?

My psychologist smiles. The doctor is older than I thought, which is good because it might mean he learned something along the way. Or maybe he is clueless about what someone my age is going through. 

And he is a man. Can any male understand a woman? Didn’t a famous person ask, “What do women want?” Oh, yeah: Freud.

What DO I want?

The time passes, and I’m talking about why I am here. He’s taking notes with a pen! Handwriting notes, how about that? No computer. The last man in America without a computer!

Silence.

Dr. K. leaves a lot of space between his questions.

Silence.

Only the clock ticking, me breathing, and my therapist. What’s he thinking? Or maybe he wants to give me space.

More silence.

Oh, I never said that before! Why did I say that? Geez! I’m naked. No, maybe just my bra and panties are on. Can he see through me? Geez. 

I think he gets me. He’s backing off. My heart is slowing down. Good. He is gentle. I don’t think he wants to push me. I’m under control. He says I don’t have to answer every question.

A joke! The shrink made a joke! And a funny one! Who would have thought I’d be laughing in counseling? When was the last time I laughed?

He listens. 

He listens and looks at me. 

Maybe he doesn’t want to take me too far, too fast. The man is careful and tender. Who else do I have in my life like that? Do I know anybody like him? 

Have I ever met anyone like him? Any man?

The time is over. It went fast.

We shake hands. “You don’t have to come back, you know. Take it easy. It’s your choice. This is for you to decide.”

Wow! I really am in charge. Whoever lets me be in charge?

I go to the lady’s room, leave the office, and get into my car. Let me sit here. 

My eyes are moist. Who would have guessed I would have told him what I told him? Who would have thought he would have been so kind?

Dr. K. said the process would be challenging for me. He thinks I have the courage, though.

I’m exhausted but relieved. My stomach is settled. I still have to be careful about trusting too much,  but I should give him a chance.

Was the sun shining before?

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Both beautiful photos were taken by Laura Hedien and presented here with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

The first is a Humming Bird, taken in Cuba in 2024.

The second is a Sunset on the Canadian Plains in Saskatchewan in August 2023.