Most of us wish for happiness for ourselves and those we love. Self-confidence is mentioned less often as our #1 goal. But isn’t happiness contingent on adequate self-esteem?

I am not suggesting confidence guarantees contentment, but it is necessary for a fulfilling life. The joy of a fortunate turn of events doesn’t erase insecurity or insufficient self-respect.

Part of humankind’s challenge is creating a resilient sense of self-worth. From childhood, we understand that approval is conditional. We follow instructions to win the world’s applause and avoid condemnation, a requirement in the dependent, emotionally needy role of a child.

Our parents socialize us on the right and wrong steps to take. Examples are toilet training, conformity, not speaking out of turn, following orders, and telling the truth. Kids need to be socialized, but stepping out of line has a cost.

While early childhood can be a joyful and uninhibited time spent in activities freely chosen, socialization and the experience of the outer world set expectations and rules.

We learn to give up what we would speak and do if society’s rules were set aside. Before long, as young adults, most of us go along, get along, and hide a slice of our opinions and desires.

Such is the price of being valued. Such is the price of courting favor and thereby solidifying self-esteem.

Follow-the-leader remains the name of the game. We reshape ourselves to the desires of the other, as needed.

A young one’s confidence involves success in the presence of peers who wish to be recognized for their best qualities. Think of winning board games, displaying athletic gifts, getting excellent grades in school, and avoiding mischief.

With age, other factors attach to societal approval. The youth is expected to dress well and dance. Acquaintances and friends rate our attractiveness and contrast it with their own. As careers begin, intellect, efficiency, leadership, and financial well-being dominate.

We compare an acquaintance’s showy, smiling exterior to our more complicated interior. We, alone, know our darkness, a quality not often shared over lunch with a casual friend.

The acquisition of material things and permanent residences are measurable commodities that offer more or less standing in the community. The characteristics of our mate, such as wit, accomplishment, and desirability, enter the list of comparisons and the potential adverse opinions of the crowd.

Since there will always be those who rank higher on totem poles called toughness, reputation, and wealth, self-confidence depends on rejecting much of what society regards as worthy.

A resilient sense of self-esteem partly derives from dismissing the world’s expectations and disapproval while creating an independent view of what is valuable within oneself.

We then begin to display the hidden parts of our internal being in public. Otherwise, the unseen self who lives protected from our daily masquerade risks languishing inside.

Buried alive.

Without the capacity to approve of himself, an individual is inclined to withdraw from uncomfortable situations, especially if he believes he won’t measure up to the judgment of the people around him. This causes him to miss out on experiences that lead to more learning, enjoyment, comfort, growth, and spontaneity.

Finding courage and taking chances are indispensable to enhancing one’s life and belief in the self.

The process can be long and without fanfare. Some insecure patients I treated lived by the terms required by parents, spouses, bosses, and misdirection offered in places of worship and the media.

Those who recreated and freed themselves from the tyranny of others are among the most remarkable individuals I ever met.

The road to freedom awaits.

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The top image is Town Among Greenery, 1917, by Egon Schiele. Below it is La Confidente by Paul Jacoulet, 1942. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.