Nothing satisfies me, nothing consoles me, everything–whether or not it has ever existed–satiates me. I can be neither nothing nor everything: I’m just the bridge between what I do not have and what I do not want.
The writer describes an impossible dilemma. He has no faith in achieving satisfaction by pursuing what he doesn’t have. That much of his statement, though unfortunate, is not remarkable. Many believe they lack something and doubt their capacity to obtain it, whether what escapes them is internal or external.
But the voice of the speaker declares something else. All the rest of what is contained in the peopled world is worthless. He chooses to have none of it. Only the unobtainable things are of interest.
As he states at the beginning, nothing satisfies or consoles him. This poor individual lives between giving up on one side and disdain for what is within reach on the other.
Every dream, as soon as it is dreamed, is immediately embodied by another person who dreams it instead of me.
How did he or she get this way? One can imagine he lost more than he won. Rejection caused permanent hesitation and giving up. He concluded that his lack of personality, strength, sexual appeal, material goods, status, a satisfying career, and friendship or love were beyond him.
The path he chooses is surrender, a road without destination or hope, but not entirely. He preemptively rejects others and turns away from the aspects of their lives that engage and fulfill them. In doing so, he escapes much of the rejection he anticipates.
A self-fulfilling prophecy exists. He is alone whether others reject him or he pushes them away.
This gentleman has chosen to live in solitary confinement, like a quarantine without a disease. No one incarcerated him. His cell door is unlocked, the jailor is absent, and the prisoner stays because he cannot think of a purpose for leaving.
By abstaining internally from action, taking no interest in things, I can see the outside world, when I look at it, with perfect objectivity. Since there is no point, no reason to change it, I do not.
Mathematicians tell us the multiplication of two negatives makes a positive, but such a person stretches this rule too far. In fact, he fools himself into believing his life stance is not only objective but superior to others. He thinks he knows better than they do. Thus he justifies avoidance of his fellow man.
Such a person’s angry state of loneliness and exclusion has morphed into a sense of superiority over those individuals who will not invite him into their social circle or, if they do, inevitably cast him off.
Let us not forget to hate those who take pleasure in things because they take pleasure in them, to despise those who are happy because we ourselves do not know how to be happy.
And let us despise those who work and struggle and let us hate those who trustingly wait.
The self-imposed limitations press down. The solitary man has renounced everything. What is left for him? What step forward exists when loneliness, sadness, avoidance, and inertia accumulate, leaving passive-aggressive anger toward humankind?
I find the slightest action impossible, as if it were some heroic deed. The mere thought of making the smallest gesture weighs on me as if it were something I was actually considering doing.
I aspire to nothing. Life wounds me. I feel uncomfortable where I am and uncomfortable where I think I could be.
Not knowing what life is, I do not even know whether I am the one living it or if my life is living me …
Early treatment is preferable, but nothing inside of him argues for it. Indeed, shirking from social encounters and his self-protective stance risk making him appear unusual or stuck up.
Time’s passage and more suffering might be motivating. The beginning of insight can arrive in response to a therapist’s question: What does your way of living cost you?
Other queries follow if he stays in treatment. Have you ever had any success or joy? What did it feel like? How did it come about? Might you enjoy the experience again?
Tell me why you haven’t killed yourself? This question is not intended to encourage suicide but rather to discover what still attaches the patient to a life he claims has no value. There is always a reason, and if the client tells the therapist, they then have something to build on together.
The pain of human existence begs for compensation, whether the reward comes in heaven or on earth. We only know of the latter with certainty, and such life as we possess is ours to make.
If we are to flourish, there are always questions. The stricken creature described above doesn’t change because he doesn’t reconsider his “solutions.”
To some degree, mankind is defined by the questions we ask and those we don’t.
Hillel the Elder, a Jewish religious leader, proposed these over 2000 years ago:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?
The protagonist discussed in this essay is not for himself, and he knows it, at least to some degree. Since his imperfect solution to the problem of life is isolation, he is unlikely to act on behalf of others, as the second question suggests he should.
To the extent that he wishes to change nothing, the passage of time referred to in question three doesn’t matter. Without a sense of urgency to take action for himself or someone else, counting off the days has little meaning.
How would you answer Hillel’s questions? The quality of your life depends on it.
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The top two photos are the work of Laura Hedien, with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.
The first is a Low Precipitation Supercell Storm at Sunset, Near Hartley, TX, on June 11, 2023. The second is a Great Plains Sunset, Kansas, on June 8, 2023.
All quotations come from The Book of Disquiet: The Complete Edition by the Portuguese author . The final image is the cover art for the book.
Heartache is what I felt as I read. There’s a stunning honesty in professing disdain, no need for others, no need to tend to self. I wondered about the absence of joy, seeming to never have felt it, begging questions about the source(s) of pain, so much so that he offers a plea for nothingness. “I’m just the bridge between what I do not have and what I do not want.” And yet…he allowed the engagement, the conversation you sketched for your readers. Does that mean he *might* be considering (however undetected, unexpressed) Hillel’s question “if not now, when?”. 🤍
Sorry for the heartache, Vicki. Yes, the author of this fictional work, Pessoa, had a strange and, in some ways limited, but very interesting life, and presumably knew of what he wrote. That said, I don’t assume we can identify the work with the man without often going astray.
I treated a few such people without full success. Unless they make enough effort to take what they would call risks, going outside of their comfort zone into treatment, they will allow no change. Yes, he might do more than that and I’d hope so, too. Still, you know the joke that begins “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?” You know the answer: “One, but the light bulb has to want to be changed.” In this case, want it more to take some small steps in a new direction. Thanks, Vicki.
Ah…I totally missed the attribution to Pessoa…thank you for pointing that out. I love a thought-provoking piece…thank you for providing that…and I forgot to mention that I love the Laura Hedien photographs…I think I became absorbed by the acknowledgement of her work and skipped by your note about Pessoa! 😎
Yes, Laura is very special. So is Pessoa! I’m glad you tolerated the darkness.
Yes…I love it when you provide opportunities for me to pause, think, consider. I need to delve into Pesso further. I’m intrigued.
he wrote some beautiful poetry–
My soul broke like an empty vase.
It fell, irretrievably, down the stairs.
It fell from the hands of the careless girl.
It fell, into more pieces than there was china in the vase.
From the poem, NOTE, by Fernando Pessoa
as to Hillel’s questions– i’m working on those! 🙂
I am new to Pessoa so a special thank you! Ah, and to think about Hillel’s questions is what I was hoping for — for all of us. Thank you, linnie!
That strikes me as profoundly sad as well as disturbing. To view the entire human existence as worthless but then to add hatred on top for everyone who chooses to try in their own way… where does a mind so lost go but perhaps to see destruction of those hated “others” to be the answer? Does his self-worth then become the drive to carry out their destruction? So much darkness here Dr. Stein.
Yes, very sad, Deb. The book from which the quotes come is fiction, but it fits the type of person I occasionally encountered in my practice.
Such a one would not usually pose a threat to others. He is a man of inaction whose anger simmers at a slow burn, mostly to justify himself and his isolation.
As I wrote this I was concerned about the impact it would have on readers. We live in a difficult moment, I have encountered a great number of well-meaning people who cannot bear the daily news.
The dilemma is simply put. Yeats captured it in his poem “The Second Coming:”
“The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.”
We do not get to choose the world into which we are thrown, as Martin Heidegger would have said it, but we do get to decide whether to act or turn away. And if we turn away, the disposition of the world is put into the hands of those Yeats described as possessing “passionate intensity.”
I appreciate that you read and thought about what I wrote, and that you offered your thoughtful (always thoughtful) comment.
There’s some post COVID in here. The apathy of living in seclusion during a fearful period where real life was craved-only to return to a big ‘nothing’…Sitting with someone, as they express this is the only way to hold them. This is depression. Exquisitely expressed. If not now…when? When they’re feeling heard’-patience is a virtue. Hold the space.
I agree, Joanne, that it could apply to our life with COVID, though the life of the author I quoted ended in 1935.
I would hope such a person as I described would find that single individual who opened the door to a different, fuller kind of life. If we take Pessoa’s fictional example, however, his protagonist would not easily risk enough human contact to allow another to open that door.
Feeling heard can only happen when the silent, avoidant individual speaks. As you suggest, a new path is possible for those that do take the chance. Thank you for your insightful thoughts, Joanne.
A very difficult read, Dr. Stein, since it touches on my own dilemma when I reflect on the sad state of our world. It would be great to get off of Spaceship Earth for a more peaceful, equitable, and just world. Since that is not presently possible, I choose to engage with others the best way I can. I can see no solution in joyless isolation.
It is with distress that I observe that many in our society today, instead of seeking isolation, have chosen to erase parts of our history and the “immoral other” that make them “uncomfortable.” This sense of discomfort is partly addressed in the quote: “… Life wounds me. I feel uncomfortable where I am…”
Hillel’s questions assume that as humans we are all for self and care not for the other. Thankfully, this is not true for the mass of humanity on Spaceship Earth or we would have long ago self-destructed as a species.
It sounds like you do engage with others, Rosaliene. That said, I suppose any commentary on avoidance of some people has purchase in our conflicted world.
Yes, isolation by some and hostility by some others.
Though I am no scholar on the subject, I understood Hillel as presenting three essential human considerations: the need to value and protect onself, man’s responsibility toward his fellow man and the world, and the urgency to act.
Thank you for taking on the essay and, more importantly, the effort to repair the world.
I read this yesterday evening and then had to come back to read it more slowly this morning, when I am freshest. Whenever I read a fellow blogger’s post, I try to select a passage that particularly ‘spoke’ to me. It was almost impossible for me to do this time, Dr. Stein, because every single word was jumping off the screen. After much thoughtful back-and-forthing, I selected the following:
“Tell me why you haven’t killed yourself? This question is not intended to encourage suicide but rather to discover what still attaches the patient to a life he claims has no value. There is always a reason, and if the client tells the therapist, they then have something to build on together.”
Such a seemingly harsh thing to say, but I have known a few people like the person you describe and I don’t think they could be reached any other way. I know I have tried. Alas, I am no doctor and certainly no therapist. And as you said so well to Vicki in the above comments: “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?” You know the answer: “One, but the light bulb has to want to be changed.”
I am a firm believer in therapy and because I am a ‘fixer’, I have occasionally gently nudged the folks I know, who so resemble this fictitious patient you have quoted, to consider therapy, all to no avail. I think I can gently let that go now (I will likely still recommend the therapy if asked, however) but I have saved this blog post so I can return to it when I need a reminder. I sincerely thank you for this enlightening and thought-provoking post, Dr. Stein 🙏
I appreciate the gentleness you take with people’s feelings, Patti, including mine. (For the record, I don’t take many things personally when it comes to matters where another point of view is something I can learn from).
Your description of how the words jumped “off the page” was something I anticipated, at least for a portion of the folks reading this post. I still thought it worthwhile to write what I did and am glad it was helpful to you, though clearly, you had to do more than a bit of work to get past its unsettling quality. I am pleased you did and grateful for your effort and your thoughts.
As we both know, many today seek comfort, including the comfort that can come from blog posts. When I was treating individuals as a clinical psychologist, I found it necessary and relatively easy to provide that.
These days, however, I am no longer in that role. I find it challenging to say the day is sunny when it is not. It is easy to say that one must balance the light and the dark. Still, I believe it is also essential that we face problems with some amount of courage, lest we look away and merely hope for the best without taking on our responsibility to repair the world.
In my book, this doesn’t mean we must take on the entire burden of that challenge, but to do something useful, however small. As Hillel asked us, “If not now, when?”
Thank you again, Patti. As my mother might have said, you have a good heart.
What a truly lovely thing to say – I am sincerely touched, Dr. Stein. And… this post was definitely worthwhile to write – it was jumping off the screen because every word was deeply resonating. It was so timely, for me personally, that you should discuss ‘facing problems’ as that has been a huge theme for me as of late (and yes, it takes more courage than I thought I had). I hadn’t put the questions as eloquently as Hillel but they are the very questions I have been asking myself (and slogging through, after many years of leaving them on the back burner).
I also find it impossible to ‘look away’. But oh, I feel very, very small when I think of my responsibility to ‘repair the world’. I am doing my best and I guess I must accept that that is good enough.
Your posts frequently provide me with great comfort, and powerful insights. I am very, very grateful that you continue to share your knowledge and your wisdom.
(And for the record, I do not easily take things personally either. A good trait, I think. 🙂)
Much appreciated, Patti. As for being small, I think we are all small, though not so small that we don’t have a responsibility to the living world itself and the creatures who, for a split second, inhabit it.
I couldn’t agree more, Dr. Stein…🙏
Wow, what a fascinating character portrayal, Dr. Stein. It reminds me of what I’ve read from Brene Brown that the root of joy is gratitude — and focusing on gratitude can spark an upward spiral. But then extrapolating that – if someone doesn’t have gratitude, then the opposite happens and there’s a downward (or inward) spiral? Your therapeutic approach seems like an interesting entree into what small ember of joy exists for the person.
And then the questions from Hillel make me think of having a solid core, a helping hand, and an attitude that doesn’t overthink. Not an easy balance to achieve but one I find worth striving for.
Thanks, Dr. Stein.
Your insights are always worthwhile, Wynne. As to Hillel, my take is that he is challenging all of us to ask who we are and where is the line between narcissistic self-interest and responsibility to our fellow man, as well as pondering the shortness of time and, therefore, the urgency of making good use of it in light of the first two questions.
Thanks for making me think a little more about Hillel’s questions. To say more, is he asking us not to take our humanity for granted but to define it and act on that definition?
Ah, what an interesting way to universalize the questions, Dr Stein. There is a Buddhist teacher that talks about having a strong back and a soft front. Perhaps as you suggest, we all do better when we define what that looks like for ourselves and then work from that knowledge?
I think we have to know ourselves, Wynne, although I”m guessing most of the people we have regular contact with believe they know themselves no matter how far we might think they’re off the mark.
To take all this one more step, the modern world of big cities, relative anonymity, computerized enablement of less face-to-face contact, and declining religious focus have left us more estranged from the world and ourselves. The focus on the self, preoccupation with “my truth” more than “the truth,” encouragement of authenticity, and establishing a “brand” leave us distanced from the kind of community that has existed for almost all of human history.
My wish for the world is that people take some small responsibility to improve it while still paying attention to their personal issues. Indeed, more involvement in repairing the world will enable them to discover their relationship to that world, both what it requires from them and what they can achieve and obtain within it.
The world will not wait for us, but if we do not look past our own personal needs, our children and grandchildren will face all the same questions and responsibilities — perhaps more.
I suppose one can take what I’ve written as too dark, and I plead guilty to that. But a crisis can also be an opportunity. Thanks, Wynne.
It’s taken me a couple of days to work my way through this post; it contains so many deep thoughts that aren’t what they seem on the surface.
You’ve indicated in previous responses that you have encountered such individuals in your practice.
My observations and reading have shown me that people who have been deeply wounded and damaged in early formative relationships, go on to select other relationships which add to the inner damage. Since many have no idea how to process the damage in a way that leads to healing, (after all this information isn’t readily available in toxic relationships) and so they develop thick walls to exclude others and try to protect themselves. The inner justifications then get built up, to rationalize their reactions. Unfortunately their protection mechanisms then preclude them from healing and forming positive relationships, leaving them them to a very lonely, solitary life.
I hope these people can slowly work on their healing, learn to like themselves, and be able to form relationships that are positive and supportive.
Your description of the devopment of the self-isolating fictional soul I focused on is spot-on, Tamara. While any healing process would indeed be gradual, showing up in a therapist’s office is at least half the battle.
Many such individuals simply don’t and no counselor exists who has figured out a way to accomplish that part of the process, nor should he. If the sufferer cannot take that step, any involuntary treatment would be a catastrophe. Thanks for your wise comment and the time you took to think through the essay!
Thank you Dr. Stein! When I was struggling to try to make sense of my past, and even before I had started healing, I had a few kind souls approach me and ask me if I was ready to step away from my suffering. This astounded me, but they gently pointed out that we each need to be ready to let go of the very things we have come to self-identify with.
A person who has been hurt and damaged, can then wear their hurt and pain as a cloak in life, where the sympathy they stir up nurtures them, or they feel nurtured. Many people simply aren’t ready to let go of that suffering, for moving forward without that cloak can feel very scary. One would feel unclothed, exposed to the world, fearful that people will be able to see their “inner monster”.
I have met a few such people, and they told me point blank that I was different from them, that they simply couldn’t do what I had done. I didn’t push them hard. I tried to encourage and support them to cast off the cloak, but it was far too scary for them to contemplate.
The kind souls who had first encouraged me told me at the time the were “light-workers” and I had no idea what that meant, but they said there were many like them, working with people to encourage them to take the steps to move forward with healing.
They did say that a person has to feel ready to let go of their suffering and be ready to create a new identity for themselves that isn’t “victim”, and given my own experience, I’d concur.
Your experience of “light-workers” is one I’ve not heard of from anyone else. Clearly, you appreciate the light they brought you. I am happy for you, Tamara!