Nothing satisfies me, nothing consoles me, everything–whether or not it has ever existed–satiates me. I can be neither nothing nor everything: I’m just the bridge between what I do not have and what I do not want.
The writer describes an impossible dilemma. He has no faith in achieving satisfaction by pursuing what he doesn’t have. That much of his statement, though unfortunate, is not remarkable. Many believe they lack something and doubt their capacity to obtain it, whether what escapes them is internal or external.
But the voice of the speaker declares something else. All the rest of what is contained in the peopled world is worthless. He chooses to have none of it. Only the unobtainable things are of interest.
As he states at the beginning, nothing satisfies or consoles him. This poor individual lives between giving up on one side and disdain for what is within reach on the other.
Every dream, as soon as it is dreamed, is immediately embodied by another person who dreams it instead of me.
How did he or she get this way? One can imagine he lost more than he won. Rejection caused permanent hesitation and giving up. He concluded that his lack of personality, strength, sexual appeal, material goods, status, a satisfying career, and friendship or love were beyond him.
The path he chooses is surrender, a road without destination or hope, but not entirely. He preemptively rejects others and turns away from the aspects of their lives that engage and fulfill them. In doing so, he escapes much of the rejection he anticipates.
A self-fulfilling prophecy exists. He is alone whether others reject him or he pushes them away.
This gentleman has chosen to live in solitary confinement, like a quarantine without a disease. No one incarcerated him. His cell door is unlocked, the jailor is absent, and the prisoner stays because he cannot think of a purpose for leaving.
By abstaining internally from action, taking no interest in things, I can see the outside world, when I look at it, with perfect objectivity. Since there is no point, no reason to change it, I do not.
Mathematicians tell us the multiplication of two negatives makes a positive, but such a person stretches this rule too far. In fact, he fools himself into believing his life stance is not only objective but superior to others. He thinks he knows better than they do. Thus he justifies avoidance of his fellow man.
Such a person’s angry state of loneliness and exclusion has morphed into a sense of superiority over those individuals who will not invite him into their social circle or, if they do, inevitably cast him off.
Let us not forget to hate those who take pleasure in things because they take pleasure in them, to despise those who are happy because we ourselves do not know how to be happy.
And let us despise those who work and struggle and let us hate those who trustingly wait.
The self-imposed limitations press down. The solitary man has renounced everything. What is left for him? What step forward exists when loneliness, sadness, avoidance, and inertia accumulate, leaving passive-aggressive anger toward humankind?
I find the slightest action impossible, as if it were some heroic deed. The mere thought of making the smallest gesture weighs on me as if it were something I was actually considering doing.
I aspire to nothing. Life wounds me. I feel uncomfortable where I am and uncomfortable where I think I could be.
Not knowing what life is, I do not even know whether I am the one living it or if my life is living me …
Early treatment is preferable, but nothing inside of him argues for it. Indeed, shirking from social encounters and his self-protective stance risk making him appear unusual or stuck up.
Time’s passage and more suffering might be motivating. The beginning of insight can arrive in response to a therapist’s question: What does your way of living cost you?
Other queries follow if he stays in treatment. Have you ever had any success or joy? What did it feel like? How did it come about? Might you enjoy the experience again?
Tell me why you haven’t killed yourself? This question is not intended to encourage suicide but rather to discover what still attaches the patient to a life he claims has no value. There is always a reason, and if the client tells the therapist, they then have something to build on together.
The pain of human existence begs for compensation, whether the reward comes in heaven or on earth. We only know of the latter with certainty, and such life as we possess is ours to make.
If we are to flourish, there are always questions. The stricken creature described above doesn’t change because he doesn’t reconsider his “solutions.”
To some degree, mankind is defined by the questions we ask and those we don’t.
Hillel the Elder, a Jewish religious leader, proposed these over 2000 years ago:
If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?
The protagonist discussed in this essay is not for himself, and he knows it, at least to some degree. Since his imperfect solution to the problem of life is isolation, he is unlikely to act on behalf of others, as the second question suggests he should.
To the extent that he wishes to change nothing, the passage of time referred to in question three doesn’t matter. Without a sense of urgency to take action for himself or someone else, counting off the days has little meaning.
How would you answer Hillel’s questions? The quality of your life depends on it.
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The top two photos are the work of Laura Hedien, with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.
The first is a Low Precipitation Supercell Storm at Sunset, Near Hartley, TX, on June 11, 2023. The second is a Great Plains Sunset, Kansas, on June 8, 2023.
All quotations come from The Book of Disquiet: The Complete Edition by the Portuguese author . The final image is the cover art for the book.
