Most of us wish for happiness for ourselves and those we love. Self-confidence is mentioned less often as our #1 goal. But isn’t happiness contingent on adequate self-esteem?
I am not suggesting confidence guarantees contentment, but it is necessary for a fulfilling life. The joy of a fortunate turn of events doesn’t erase insecurity or insufficient self-respect.
Part of humankind’s challenge is creating a resilient sense of self-worth. From childhood, we understand that approval is conditional. We follow instructions to win the world’s applause and avoid condemnation, a requirement in the dependent, emotionally needy role of a child.
Our parents socialize us on the right and wrong steps to take. Examples are toilet training, conformity, not speaking out of turn, following orders, and telling the truth. Kids need to be socialized, but stepping out of line has a cost.
While early childhood can be a joyful and uninhibited time spent in activities freely chosen, socialization and the experience of the outer world set expectations and rules.
We learn to give up what we would speak and do if society’s rules were set aside. Before long, as young adults, most of us go along, get along, and hide a slice of our opinions and desires.
Such is the price of being valued. Such is the price of courting favor and thereby solidifying self-esteem.
Follow-the-leader remains the name of the game. We reshape ourselves to the desires of the other, as needed.
A young one’s confidence involves success in the presence of peers who wish to be recognized for their best qualities. Think of winning board games, displaying athletic gifts, getting excellent grades in school, and avoiding mischief.
With age, other factors attach to societal approval. The youth is expected to dress well and dance. Acquaintances and friends rate our attractiveness and contrast it with their own. As careers begin, intellect, efficiency, leadership, and financial well-being dominate.
We compare an acquaintance’s showy, smiling exterior to our more complicated interior. We, alone, know our darkness, a quality not often shared over lunch with a casual friend.
The acquisition of material things and permanent residences are measurable commodities that offer more or less standing in the community. The characteristics of our mate, such as wit, accomplishment, and desirability, enter the list of comparisons and the potential adverse opinions of the crowd.
Since there will always be those who rank higher on totem poles called toughness, reputation, and wealth, self-confidence depends on rejecting much of what society regards as worthy.
A resilient sense of self-esteem partly derives from dismissing the world’s expectations and disapproval while creating an independent view of what is valuable within oneself.
We then begin to display the hidden parts of our internal being in public. Otherwise, the unseen self who lives protected from our daily masquerade risks languishing inside.
Buried alive.
Without the capacity to approve of himself, an individual is inclined to withdraw from uncomfortable situations, especially if he believes he won’t measure up to the judgment of the people around him. This causes him to miss out on experiences that lead to more learning, enjoyment, comfort, growth, and spontaneity.
Finding courage and taking chances are indispensable to enhancing one’s life and belief in the self.
The process can be long and without fanfare. Some insecure patients I treated lived by the terms required by parents, spouses, bosses, and misdirection offered in places of worship and the media.
Those who recreated and freed themselves from the tyranny of others are among the most remarkable individuals I ever met.
The road to freedom awaits.
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The top image is Town Among Greenery, 1917, by Egon Schiele. Below it is La Confidente by Paul Jacoulet, 1942. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Thank you very much,Dr. Stein, for your today’s lesson in how to become free! It reminds me of “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck or the Chinese servant Lee and his Timshel or that everybody has the power to chose his own path. All the best.
You are welcome, Martina. Any comparison to Steinbeck does me more honor than I deserve, but I do appreciate it. I haven’t read the book, but I enjoy the works I have read — “The Grapes of Wrath” and “Of Mice and Men.” Be well.
Thank you for your words and from the books you mentioned there is also a lot to learn concerning inner freedom!
Indeed, Martina. And much about what people do to and for each other. Thank you, again.
👏🤣
Powerful, Dr. Stein. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts about confidence and contentment, the importance of seeking – and maintaining – a singular, foundational sense of self.
“Finding courage and taking chances are indispensable to enhancing one’s life and belief in the self…”
and this: “The process can be long and without fanfare…”
Courage, patience and a dose of faith. In oneself and the process. I believe in these things! 💕
You are welcome, Vicki. Mankind needs socialization, but for many it becomes something like a straitjacket. If we choose to be free of living by and for the approval of others, only then does our life become ours. Yes, to “the singular, foundational sense of self.” As to courage, all praise to you for the courage that led to surviving your mother, saving your sister, and writing your story: “Surviving Sue.”
You are very kind. Thank you, dear Dr. Stein — for your lovely words in reply to my comment — and for your thoughtful essay which prompted my reflection. ❤️
“But isn’t happiness contingent on adequate self-esteem?”
This is so true! Unfortunately, with low self-esteem comes negative or harsh inner self-talk.
With these 2 situations going on, when opportunities come up, there’s a tendency to self sabotage, which in turn reinforces our negative inner dialogue.
As you mentioned, the way to break out of that cycle is to give ourselves permission to step away from the perceptions others may have of us and choose to create our own lives.
This is a long but doable process!
You have said it very well, Tamara, and you have lived it. No small achievement in any life. Thank you for your comment.
Thanks Dr. Stein! I try to share this info where I can to encourage others to keep trying!
The process can be long and “without fanfare”: as a musicien, how could I not agree with your image, caro dottor Stein?
Exactly my situation, and I continue to work on this: seems there is no ending to practice hard!!!
Grazie di cuore.
I can only imagine the life of a performing artist, at least that portion that faces the audience and the reviews, and is foreover being told whether you are good enough. Brava to you, Micaela, for displaying the courage involved in undertaking a career in the spotlight.
I love how you flipped the pursuit of happiness upside down and inspected the roots. Your excellent essay reminds me that I once learn that the origin of the word confidence comes from Latin, confidentia — trusting in oneself, according to Merriam-Webster.
“Finding courage and taking chances are indispensable to enhancing one’s life and belief in the self.” It’s fascinating what a cycle this is but you lay it out marvelously!
Thank you, Wynne. I am in your debt for offering the origin of the word confidence. Life requires that we be our own hero or heroine, pushing past the inevitable restriction and disapproval created by others and finding our roots as individuals. May your plant continue to grow tall!
Dear Dr. Stein: I’ve been a faithful reader of your column for many years. Your long ago column on preparing to retire was of great benefit when I approached retirement 10 years ago.
Have you ever done a column that addressed the various psychological issues that afflict the man who is our current president-elect?
To understand him might (but probably won’t) help me tolerate him better.
Thanks in advance.
Much appreciated, Scott. My thanks for following my writing for so long. I have taken the liberty of removing your address and phone number to safeguard your privacy. If you wish for me to add them back, I will do so. As to your question, I have never written any psychological assessment of anyone I didn’t evaluate in person. I can well understand your desire to know more on the subject, but there has been an enormous amount of conjecture about the state of the soon-to-be Chief of State already, as I am sure you know. What I currently find of greater personal interest, is both the state of mind of the American electorate and the nature of humankind with respect to its tendency to approve of autocrats, at least initially. For the moment, I have no plans to write about this, but we shall see if I change my mind! Again, many thanks for your thoughtful comment, reading what I write, and reckoning with the state of the world. Too many look away in this difficult time.
Dr. Stein: I can certainly understand you not wanting to opine about a person you had never examined. I had not considered that aspect. I agree, how can we explain the huge numbers of followers he has gathered?
I’ll have to survive this term in office the same way I tolerated his first term: Just consider him for his entertainment value.
Scott, thank you for your understanding. I think we are all called upon to do as much as we can to make the world a better place in every way we can, so I imagine you might find you have opportunities to survive the world and more. As to my writing, I am thinking about a piece that is likely to touch on the question of how we humans think and reason, with a particular focus on why we misunderstand others and their motives. Stay tuned and be well, my friend.
I’ve been pondering this since you posted last night. Seems commenting a little later exposes me to more of your thoughtful commentators.
In my journey of personal growth, I feel strongest the more I reject what anyone else thinks I should be. Ironically, it has been a hard-fought battle.
I surely have further to go, but I am so grateful I was able to allow myself to become the standard for my own behavior and character.
I am glad you enjoy the commentators. I do too, including yourself, Susan. I think the battle you refer to is almost always hard-fought — first to recognize the societal indoctrination we each receive, then to evaluate it, and finally to take the dual risk of forming our own judgments and living the newly formed values that do not always gain favor. More power to you!
Thank you, Dr Stein.
Lots of insights to unpack in your post, Dr. Stein. Long and torturous has been my path to self-esteem and self-confidence. “Rejecting much of what society regards as worthy” as well as “dismissing the world’s expectations and disapproval while creating an independent view of what is valuable within oneself” come at a great price. One must be prepared to go it alone and to be open to new possibilities of friendship and shared values.
You are right, Rosaliene, it is a difficult path. Having read about your life course and the particular long encounter of control within the church, I suspect the road back from indoctrination was much harder than most of the rest of us encounter. That you could break free and walk a lonely path in a new direction does you great credit. I am in awe.
With thanks <3