Many struggle to fathom why they fail to act when it would benefit them. They might recognize the pattern, but do not understand where it originated. “That’s just me,” they think, or “That’s for someone else to try, not I.”
Thus, self-assertion takes the shape of a mountain in the distance, intimidating to the point of premature defeat.
Such a life is fear-based, explained in the language of rationalization.
The composer John Cage created a piece entitled “4’33.” It consists of a performer coming on stage, sitting down, and waiting four and a half minutes without making a sound, though he holds his instrument.
Only then does he bow and depart. As Cage wrote in a poem, “I have nothing to say, and I’m saying it.”
“4’33” is one thing. Letting your lifetime pass is another. This is the time to speak, as it always is, as it always has been.
Be careful of small talk when it becomes too small. People are increasingly afraid of mentioning anything controversial. If you want to be interesting, you might have to say something worth considering, perhaps after some study.
You can view this as a threat or an opportunity. Individuals with worthwhile and well-expressed ideas may not be invited to the next party, but could be the show’s star.
If you see the world as a place full of adult-version playground bullies, you have a problem. It’s not that they don’t exist, but that we assign them unwarranted credit.
Would-be bullies think of themselves as the Big Bad Wolf, able to blow down any home. The reverse can be true. Most of the blowhards can’t take a blow.
Practice saying no. No is a complete sentence, not requiring explanation. Learn to repeat it and take back your life. If you want some reinforcements, find the growing number of people who realize fighting back is the antidote for anxiety.
Walking together is enlivening. Sometimes, around disagreeable or threatening people, prepare to walk away. Again, no words are required, but try to have transportation nearby.
Living in dread of a repetition of what has happened, what is happening, or what might yet happen offers unhappiness and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Past, present, and future are compromised thereby.
The anticipatory anxiety squeezes out all room for joy. Make friends, collaborate with both the nervous and the unafraid. Some will be buddies with whom you laugh a lot.
You have been here before. Do you wish to be subservient the rest of your life? Part of life involves taking things on. The only question is which ones and when.
Hiding is no escape from worry. Those who seek shelter from our chaotic world discover unkind bosses, dismissive parents, unfair competitors, teachers who are petty dictators, and abusive mates who still invade their path.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ — Eleanor Roosevelt
Consider being scary periodically. It is another antidote for terror.
The point here is to take control of something, however small or intimidating, and find agency within. Do not wear a “Kick Me” sign on your back.
Remember what you have told your children.
Imperfect action takes you anywhere you want faster than perfect inaction.
The old saying tells us, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
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The top image is Norman Rockwell’s Freedom of Speech from The Four Freedoms. Below it follows Eleanor Roosevelt, from 1949. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Thank you, Dr. Stein, for your Sunday message, which gives me courage!
Happy to, Martina. We all need it. I am always pleased to see your name and your words. Thank you.
I’m glad you included 4’33 as part of your post. When it came out, I dismissed it with the absolute wisdom of youth. I have never seen it “performed” and just watched it on YouTube. Seems he had really thought about the nature of silence.
I think I’d like to hear this piece on repeat wherever Muzak is played!!
I love this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt. It shows her degree of agency and inspires me. I think I will search out a biography of her.
Finally, and I can’t quote it because I’m on my phone, but the part about imperfect action reminds me of the idea of just doing something even if it isn’t perfection.
All of it resonates with me.
I am very pleased that it hit the target for you, Susan. Yes, typing on the phone does many things, not all intended or understood. You, however, have made yourself very clear and incisive, as you always do. Thank you.
There are so many encouraging aspects in your post, Dr. Stein.
I feel the urgency and I think you offered splendid wisdom in this reminder:
“Most of the blowhards can’t take a blow.”
Stand up, be seen. Now is the time.
Thank you, Vicki. I wonder if we might all benefit from feeling that urgency and the transformative possibility within it. As Rosaliene Bacchus pointed out today on her blog, there is an important book by Adam Greenfield called “Lifehouse: Taking Care of Ourselves in a World on Fire” that underlines how we can reform and embrace transformative community action. All good wishes, good Vicki.
Thanks for the mention, Dr. Stein. Much appreciated <3
Cage’s 4’33” was for solo piano so hard to hold, except for support when getting up off the seat! And the London Proms once featured aversion of this for full orchestra. Great (non)musical joke.
More seriously: courage is contagious. You are more likely to act on something if you see others responding to the problem or threat than if you’re the only one popping up your head. For an extraordinary film on this very issue see “Ikiru” by Akira Kurasawa, the great Japanese film director and its recent remake with Bill Nighy entitled “Life.” Well done with many scenes that are virtually shot for shot copies of the original, which has a much more powerful impact.
Thank you for correcting me. Thank you, as well, for recommending “Ikiru,” a film I have had on my list to watch for a long time. Much appreciated, as are your comments on the contagiousness of courage.
An excellent and insightful post, especially for these times of men wielding chainsaws to things we all hold dear. I’m no stranger to saying no and expressing my truth. But be warned: There is always backlash.
Backlash is a possibility, I agree. But not always is there follow through on it. Thank you, Rosaliene.
That’s true. Thankfully, not everyone holds on to a grudge.
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Oh, this is so good, Dr. Stein. To remember what we told our children is a fantastic reminder to practice what we preach. And I love, “It’s not that they don’t exist, but that we assign them unwarranted credit.” Right – don’t let the bullies take our voices. Thanks for the great essay!
You are welcome, Wynne. We are our children’s models, but sometimes they teach us as we hear our voices and realize that we tell them what to do, not what we do. At certain moments of history, after which our children reach maturity, they also ask “What did you do?” It is best if we have a persuasive answer, assuming that one exists.