I imagine you have either said or heard someone say, “I wouldn’t have done that.“
Perhaps you were right; you wouldn’t have.
I have a question, though.
Were you ever in the same situation as the person who took the wrong step?
Perhaps the circumstance under scrutiny is a catastrophic financial loss due to a risky investment.
Another example: a married person cheats on their spouse with a notorious new, young partner.
Finally, you read about a Jewish man who chose to stay in Germany before the worst of what the Nazis were capable of.
Again, the comment offered by many is, “I wouldn’t have done that.” Moreover, along with it comes the judgment of those who made a choice we assert was wrong, foolish, or immoral.
How do we maintain certainty — holding a position of no doubt about what we would do — if we never lived the experience?
Take the Holocaust for just a moment more. We look back on this epoch as history, and most of us possess only surface knowledge from school, movies, and books. Those who endured the cataclysm could not find a description of the upcoming horror in textbooks not yet written.
Almost no one at the time thought the most civilized nation in the world could be the birthplace of the unspeakable. Germany was a place of scientific discovery, superb musicians, and towering visual artists. The genocidal murder of six million was planned there, with the intent of killing still more.
Or consider this. An old relative who lived as one of the homeless left a nephew $600,000, though he had been cold to her for years. The other surviving family members, some of whom showed her kindness, received nothing.
What would you have done if you were the beneficiary of the windfall? What would you have done if you were one of those who received nothing?
Keep reading, and I will describe what happened in one such family.
“I wouldn’t have done that,” and similar beliefs offer an imaginary certainty. Ancient Greek philosophers, however, recognized that one must be tested to know oneself.
Certainty of how we would face the future is related to control. The fabrication of a desirable future supports a positive self-image of moral rectitude. Some who assume they would act well envision personal nobility under pressure. They resist temptation and make sacrifices to help others.
Some do not think the problem through, but quickly default to the belief in their basic decency. They are therefore less troubled than they might otherwise be. This is accomplished by telescoping their vision of themselves to a place where they possess mastery, resist desire, display bravery, or show uncommon generosity.
Are they moral men and women, or people of high standards they have not met except in their mirror?
Conviction in our responses to hypothetical questions predicts command — the capacity to bend conditions when needed and impact the world rather than becoming its plaything. Of course, the only way anyone can discover tomorrow’s reality is to face a situation that is neither part of our past nor our present.
Put another way, we have made sure our magic mirror tells us we are the fairest of them all, or, at least, better and wiser than the person who made the mistake.
This is comforting. To avoid unsettling ourselves, there is value in believing a few things for which we have limited evidence or experience.
To manage our lives and protect ourselves, we think we can handle most of what might come our way.
And yet, there is much we don’t fathom, and much disappointment never happens. Resting easy is a decent strategy. Most of us sleep better that way.
I am no enemy of optimism and try not to claim a heroism I have not earned. Here is an incomplete list of things about which I have some knowledge and others about which I do not. Note the incompleteness of my lived experience:
- I am not a woman and do not claim to have full comprehension of the many internal and external aspects of life encountered by women.
- I would say the same of gay men, since I am not gay.
- I treated a majority of women.
- I have endured surgical mistakes.
- I listened to thousands of stories in the course of my career.
- I am a fine storyteller, omitting details that might identify former patients.
- I was raised by a mother of broken emotions and a father who worked multiple jobs outside the home.
- Acquaintance with aging has taught me about age. I tolerate significant and continuing chronic pain.
- I enjoy the Midwest and the East Coast and have lived in both, but have spent no time living in the South.
- I have visited several foreign countries, but not resided in any of them.
- I love to laugh, I laughed with many of my clients, and have a wonderful time with lifelong friends, one of whom I met in 5th grade.
- I have loved, and I have lost. Love is better when reciprocated with enthusiasm.
- Most of my patients were Christian. Though I claim no faith, religion enabled some of them to lead better (and sometimes remarkable) lives. I also witnessed this magic elsewhere, including within the Orthodox Jewish community. The faithful celebrate life’s joys and search for the light, especially in times of darkness.
- I have never faced my death, though I am comfortable talking about mortality as an abstraction.
- I served as an expert witness and underwent cross-examination multiple times.
- I have never been divorced, but treated a multitude of souls who were.
- I’d have liked to have been in the body of Willie Mays for one game in the prime of his baseball career, just to enjoy what it was like.
- I was consulted by the Chicago Blackhawks hockey team as a sports psychologist for one season. They didn’t want me back.
- I was the beneficiary of my aunt’s $600,000 estate. Upon learning this, my wife and I decided to divide the total equally among my two brothers, two cousins, and myself.
We were the nieces and nephews of my aunt. I gave a small portion to the Zeolite Scholarship Fund, a philanthropy that I began with my old high school buddies.
Despite my values, I cannot promise or foresee how I will behave in many situations and can only guess what the future will evoke in me.
Memory tells me how I felt and acted at the ages I was and in the places I happened to be.
I shall discover what unveils itself the rest of the way.
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The first painting is an Untitled, 1950 work by Franz Kline. Next comes a Towering Cumulus, 3/3/2020, East Valentine, Nebraska, by Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website. Finally, Sunflower, by Gustav Klimt.
Very good article, Dr. Stein. We humans can be very judgmental, often commenting about how we might have handled a situation without knowing relevant details. One of the things I detest about social media (especially X—formerly Twitter) are all of the people commenting on others’ lives. Much of the time it involves criticism.
Did you ever see the television show, “What Would You Do?” It was a social experiment whereby actors created a scenario where people witnessed some incident of bad behavior (e.g. bullying, disrespectfulness, sexism) to see how bystanders would react. Would they stand up for the victim or look the other way?
Thank you, Pete. Yes, social media is a shooting gallery used by anonymous persons. It is very unfortunate that minimal limitations are employed on those who would do harm. Thanks for the heads up on “What Would You Do?” I neither watched it nor heard about it until now.
Gerald: I fully agree with you that we cannot know in advance how we will face a given situation, especially a dire, conflicting one, or when under enormous pressure. I have stopped judging people’s behavior in these situations, esp. ones from the Holocaust era. There were incredibly noble actions and others not so noble, but I always ask, “how would I have behaved?” and “can I even know from this distance?” Especially when I read stories of Righteous Gentiles or examples of Jewish heroism, I am in awe. Could I have done these deeds at that moment.
On the other hand, I do judge our leaders of major institutions – Universities, scientific and cultural organization, and journalists, who have capitulated to Trump’s illegal and destructive commands. And I will never forgive them for that.
Don’t know if you or your readers are familiar with a film “Weapons of the Spirit” about a French Huguenot village in the South of France that hid over 5,000 Jews until they could escape to neutral Spain. An American film maker, who was born there during the War, when his parents were sheltered there for a while, came back in the 1980s to make a film about their extraordinary efforts, under the noses of the German occupation. In one scene, the film maker asks one of the villagers, a grizzled elderly woman who has clearly had a hard life as a farmer, why they did what they did although it could have meant death to all of them. She looks him in the face and says, “I don’t understand the question! We did what we had to do which was the right thing our pastor taught us.” This was a revelation, as in dramas, we always see the hero or heroine agonize on the decision for a long time before they finally act. For this woman, the actions were totally instinctive, no agonizing – I don’t understand the question. See if you can find this documentary in your local library!
I know in my long life (heading to 89) I have done things I’m not proud of, though no dark secrets are hiding in the closet. One the other hand, I’ve made what I thought was a small impulsive gesture and found it had enormous positive impact. One never knows ahead of time. Luckily, I have never had to face even one decision as fateful or fraught as the ones I’ve read about. That in itself is a blessing.
Best,
Eric
Thank you for the thoughful and self-reflective comment, Eric. I never saw “Weapons of the Spirit,” but it sounds worth looking for. Yes, the Righteous Gentiles I have read about had similar reponses. They found what they did unremarkable, some because of their faith, and others who simply believed the could not behave otherwise than they did. May you live to at least 100, Eric!
Not til 120, as our tradition offers? The favorite cousin of my mother’s on reaching 80 was told “Bis 120” and her response was “Don’t do me any favors!”
Very funny, but too true! Maybe I should call you Moses! Stay healthy, Eric!
yes, i think it may a defense/safety situation at play when this happens. when someone hears from another how something didn’t turn out well, perhaps the survival instinct kicks in and we like to think that we may have done better or it wouldn’t happen to us, as a way to cope with the possibility that it even could happen to us, so we are ‘safe.’ to say it out loud to another is just our own fear projecting itself on them.
I share your analysis, Beth. Brava! We are not the rational beings many of us claim to be. That said, humans might not have survived without the kind of defense/safety response you described. Many thanks, Beth.
You are such a keen listener and observer, dear Dr. Stein. The reminder about how nuanced decisions can be — giving grace when possible, to ourselves and others — is a wonderful takeaway message for me this morning. Thank you! ❤️
Thank you for the kudos, Vicki. As Beth suggests, coping with the possibility of unpleasant events, we choose to put possible negative outcomes to sleep. We believe that either we can master them or that they won’t occur. No doubt, many of us are better for doing that, expecting the sun will be shining every morning and that we (or God) can take on whatever comes..
Dr. Stein, what you did in dividing your aunt’s estate is remarkable. It’s easy to think that we would not make the same mistakes as others, that we would’ve made different choices. I’ve even surprised myself with some of my responses to difficult situations I’ve faced over the years. We can only do what we think is best in a given situation.
Thank you, Rosaliene. It was surprisingly easy for me. My brothers had shown my aunt kindness, though she was a difficult person. Their relationship with her turned sour due to no fault of their own.
I knew she was trouble from my teen years and that no good would come of contact with her. I felt that I hadn’t done anything to earn the money and only received it because they’d been unfairly treated by her.
As far as my cousins, they needn’t the money more than I did. It all worked out for the best and informed me of how I would behave on that particular “test.” I can’t say how I would have done on a different one!
So true, Dr. Stein. It’s difficult to predict how we will perform on another “test.”
The flip side of “I wouldn’t have done that” are the people, maybe the same people, who when they hear of a friend or someone they know who is going through a major life tragedy or difficulty will say, “I’m here for you. Call me anytime” without any intention or action of following through. In fact they will end up ghosting the person because getting in the trenches with someone is too hard for most people.
My youngest granddaughter has gone through cancer twice, successfully, but my daughter and I experienced many people promising to help and then they slipped out of our lives. Miss T will be going for an MRI soon, and my daughter is dreading the worst. She has made a whole new circle of friends, and she’s absolutely dreading receiving bad news and finding out who her real friends are.
I’ve been in situations where I was severely criticized for having “gotten myself in the mess, and THEY would never have made the same choices I made. It’s amazing how righteous people can feel when they put their boot to someone’s neck. How righteous they are when one is down on their luck, lower than them.
I was amazed how many people felt completely at ease putting me down, or my daughter or someone else down when we were in a difficult situation. It was as though they derived some kind of satisfaction from it, that they could put someone else down to feel better about themselves. Instead of honestly looking inwardly at themselves to be able to grow, it was more satisfying to them to put others down and take on a self-righteous attitude.
I think this is why I feel strongly about writing about self improvement and healing.
Very sad, Tamara. You have every reason to doubt the virtue of those who promised to be there for you and weren’t. All good wishes for you and your family. May Miss T have a long and happy life.
Since I know you like sports, “Don’t be a Monday morning quarterback” comes to mind. I have to admit that I struggle with this, especially when I see people who could get out of difficult situations if they took a particular action, but they don’t. For example, I have family members and friends living under very difficult circumstances who are not willing to try new things or move to another part of the country to improve their quality of life. I’m settling on the fact that they somehow feel “safe” and “at home,” even though I don’t fully understand it. So, for them, living a difficult life is the price to pay for that safety or sense of belonging, if that even makes sense. As always, you provided a lot to think about with this post.
It is a tough choice. The devil we know vs the devil we don’t know. Some have no confidence in their ability to adapt. For them, the crossroads creates fear and potential regret about the choice facing them.
The choice is imperfect, and the other road lives in an idealized world. Change is often seen as terrifying, with a departure from places, relatives, and friends as part of our sense of loss and regret. Thanks, Edward.
Such an interesting topic, Dr. Stein. I don’t believe we can ever truly understand everything that goes into another person’s decision making process, and often it’s difficult even to understand our own. Writing sometimes helps me to understand myself, listening to others and using empathy helps me understand others, and reading widens my perspective greatly. But to say, I wouldn’t have done that—I’m sure I said that in the past, but now I realize I just don’t know. I’m practicing really, these days, to live a life where I intentionally give others grace. It is a struggle sometimes!
Thank you, Lori. Giving others grace is a lofty goal, but a good one — good in the sense of morally worthy, at least = as I understand it. Good luck with the project.