making friends

March 24, 2024

Alone, Together and Other Social Choices

Has the world become lonelier, or was it always so?

Edward Hopper’s paintings suggest, at least, that he saw the loneliness of his time. Or perhaps what he painted was his solitary nature.

Not everyone wants to join others. The difference between extroversion and introversion is often what fuels us and whether our interests require time alone.

The introvert’s inborn nature tends toward the latter. Depletion is the consequence of spending too much time in groups. The extrovert is different. He is energized by human contact that saps the former.

The one who avoids parties and needs days off from time in public is often misunderstood.

Does he stay away because he thinks himself better than others? He might be shy, but introverts require recharging.

Does he postpone getting together because he prioritizes writing or another solo task?

Does the public element of his day job leave him exhausted?

Serenity, calm, or a meditative state are unavailable in the active and interactive human world. It is a condition many wish for.

How do we understand those not like us (if we understand him at all)?

Consider Hopper’s New York Movie, just below. What do you see? Is the usher daydreaming? Worried? Lonely? Thinking about her boyfriend? Bored? Has she seen this film too many times? 

Is she craving meaningful contact with others, or is she relieved to be by herself?

What basis do we use to determine this? Is it possible to get the correct answer based on this snapshot?

Now study Hopper’s painting Office at Night. It shows two people, one of whom appears preoccupied with his reading. He is turned away from the woman, indifferent to her.

Though opening or closing a file cabinet, the female faces the man. The typewriter suggests she might be the man’s secretary, as would have been a likely occupation for her in 1940.

But there is another consideration: she is young, pretty, and curvaceous, yet the man pays no attention to her.

What does this say about the pair? Again, we tend to make assumptions based on little data and our own history of making sense of the world. Is he married? Is he glued to what the paper says? Introverted? A workaholic? Will either one take action and engage the other? In what way? Will one of them regret what they do, say, or fail to do?

Depending on how you interpret many of Hopper’s canvases, you might believe you have an understanding of who his subjects are. You might be puzzled. Many conditions can be inferred: sadness, isolation, desperation, and expectation.

Ultimately, the observers—including you or me—exist outside of any activity within the art. Instead, we watch, think, and feel. We maintain a respectful distance from our art-loving neighbors because we are focused on the art and its message.

Do we shape ourselves into solitary, lonely, contemplative, active, or passive individuals? For the same price of admission, there might be other individuals who are by themselves. Doubtless, some are intelligent, puzzled, waiting for a companion, attractive, or any combination of these qualities.

And maybe one has noticed you.

The gallery allows you to create the world as you wish it to be. Anyone there has the capacity to bring a social event into being. Is your next best friend steps away? How about a momentary conversation partner, a person ill-suited to a discussion, an art student, or tonight’s dinner date?

What will you make of it? Do you realize it is yours to make? What does your presence, attire, stance, expression, or gait tell those nearby about you?

You are not a painting, but if those on the wall were watching you as you observe them, they’d have the chance to take your measure just as you draw conclusions about them.

The creations on display—their color, likenesses, and forms—wait for you to create what happens next. 

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage … and one man in his time plays many parts.” Introverted, extroverted, or otherwise, it is your turn to choose and read your lines.

Life is not a rehearsal; it is, in every moment, a never-to-be-repeated performance.

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All of the Edward Hopper paintings are sourced from Edward Hopper.net/

From top to bottom, they are Hotel Lobby, New York Movie, Office at Night, and Automat.

November 26, 2023

The Transformation of a Man Without Love

Something new entered the heart of a 55-year-old man.

J had been alone in the world for twenty-five years. He had never been a father, lover, spouse, or friend. In prison, he was bitter, gloomy, celibate, ignorant, and solitary. The ex-convict’s heart was nonetheless full of virginal innocence.

His sister and her children had left him only a vague and far-off memory that gradually disappeared; he made every effort to locate them and, having failed, forgot them. Such is human nature. Other tender emotions of his youth, if he had any, had fallen away.

J promised a dying woman to find her eight-year-old girl who was hostage to an abusive couple. When he rescued and took charge of the little one, he felt stirred to the depth of his being.

Whatever affection within him came alive, and was directed towards the child. He approached the bed where she slept and trembled with the joy of a mother with her new born.

I will tell you who this man is, but first, I want to address his loneliness. It is not uncommon.

I have met such men. Some have themselves been abused, others neglected. A few received little parental guidance and grew up clueless. Usually, they had difficulty making friends and often endured being singled out and bullied. They never found the gift of making social contact and lacked the confidence to approach anyone attractive to them.

Family and relatives may be their most reliable and closest contacts. They tend to live with or near their kinfolk for much of their lives. Perhaps they make a decent living but remain in the shadows.

All of us have walked past them without noticing. They don’t cause trouble. Indeed, such males have mastered the art of invisibility and the rest of us the trick of recognizing an untroubling slice of what the world offers us, but nothing more.

It is worth wondering what they do during the holidays. Occupying themselves with themselves, I imagine. Unless, like J, they have the good luck of discovering a friend or neighbor’s kindness — or becoming a loving uncle or unexpected guardian to a young person.

There is a door to ending loneliness. I’ve known a few like J, the gentleman described above, who waited for another to open it.

Sometimes, one does well serving as a doorman.

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The little girl in the story above is Cosette. The man is called Jean Valjean. They are characters in Victor Hugo’s novel Les Misérables.

The photos are sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Both are pictures of fathers and daughters. The first is the work of Caroline Hernandez, while Reinhard Breitenstein photographed the second.