Blind Monks Examining an Elephant by Itcho Hanabusa.

Some of those closest to us are members of a particular club.

• They fail to grasp something essential in human relationships, a deficiency that involves misunderstanding significant realities.
• They listen to what you say but do not grasp your meaning.
• Conversations of considerable seriousness, events you recall in detail, drift away from them, slipping out of reach like a bar of soap on a shower floor.

The person in question is not lacking intelligence. He lacks sensitivity because he doesn’t grasp vulnerability.

During my psychotherapy practice, some patients who had made every effort to achieve understanding from their mate asked what else they might do.

My response?

They don’t make mallets that big.

Those they love may be decent, helpful, and bright. Over time, however, comes the dawn of recognition about their companion:

They don’t get it, and never will.

While engaged in work, tennis, or computer gaming with relentless fervor, other concerns are absent and beyond cognizance. Ignoring diet, overlooking health, perhaps something goes missing. The needed human qualities exist elsewhere.

These souls are in denial and capable of dissociation. Their thoughts, feelings, memories, and actions sometimes detach from one another.

Since they are incapable of recognizing the tenderness of your nature and the pain they cause, pleading with them is like talking to a wall.

Leonardo da Vinci described the experience of seeing an artwork, not realizing he depicted the human tendency to slice off parts of the world too uncomfortable to grasp:

“Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.”

A parent with characteristics similar to those noted above may make home life challenging. Many children have no choice but to shut their eyes, cover their heads, stop their ears, and jump into a foxhole until the sights, sounds, and memories fade.

The years may be endurable, but the danger to the child is becoming a replica of the mom or dad whose presence led them to guard themselves against portions of the emotional world. Their capacity to understand those who offer intimacy and a broader spectrum of sentiments is compromised. 

Pain in another becomes imperceptible, unfelt; it is not ascertained or recollected. Expecting more than that resembles speaking to an alien from outer space. Language is inadequate to bridge the gap.

Despite this, those who choose this type of partner go through the early romance phase in a normal fashion. The triple burst of passion, newness, and the best behavior is attractive.

Later, life together settles into a routine: house cleaning, clashes like those in movies, and frank exhaustion while trying to be seen and understood. Hope and affection build patience, but unmentioned questions emerge:

Does he know me? Does he like me? Is he in love with me?

Desperate and unhappy spouses do well to take off their sunglasses, removing the blindness of love with them. Except, of course, when illusions are preferable.

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Blind Monks Examining an Elephant by Itcho Hanabusa was created in 1888. It was sourced from Wikimedia Commons and comes from the Library of Congress.