Blind Monks Examining an Elephant by Itcho Hanabusa.
Some of those closest to us are members of a particular club.
- They fail to grasp something essential in human relationships, a deficiency that involves misunderstanding significant realities.
- They listen to what you say but do not grasp your meaning.
- Conversations of considerable seriousness, events you recall in detail, drift away from them, slipping out of reach like a bar of soap on a shower floor.
The person in question is not lacking intelligence. He lacks sensitivity because he doesn’t grasp vulnerability.
During my psychotherapy practice, some patients who had made every effort to achieve understanding from their mate asked what else they might do.
My response?
They don’t make mallets that big.
Those they love may be decent, helpful, and bright. Over time, however, comes the dawn of recognition about their companion:
They don’t get it, and never will.
While engaged in work, tennis, or computer gaming with relentless fervor, other concerns are absent and beyond cognizance. Ignoring diet, overlooking health, perhaps something goes missing. The needed human qualities exist elsewhere.
These souls are in denial and capable of dissociation. Their thoughts, feelings, memories, and actions sometimes detach from one another.
Since they are incapable of recognizing the tenderness of your nature and the pain they cause, pleading with them is like talking to a wall.
Leonardo da Vinci described the experience of seeing an artwork, not realizing he depicted the human tendency to slice off parts of the world too uncomfortable to grasp:
“Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.”
A parent with characteristics similar to those noted above may make home life challenging. Many children have no choice but to shut their eyes, cover their heads, stop their ears, and jump into a foxhole until the sights, sounds, and memories fade.
The years may be endurable, but the danger to the child is becoming a replica of the mom or dad whose presence led them to guard themselves against portions of the emotional world. Their capacity to understand those who offer intimacy and a broader spectrum of sentiments is compromised.
Pain in another becomes imperceptible, unfelt; it is not ascertained or recollected. Expecting more than that resembles speaking to an alien from outer space. Language is inadequate to bridge the gap.
Despite this, those who choose this type of partner go through the early romance phase in a normal fashion. The triple burst of passion, newness, and the best behavior is attractive.
Later, life together settles into a routine: house cleaning, clashes like those in movies, and frank exhaustion while trying to be seen and understood. Hope and affection build patience, but unmentioned questions emerge:
Does he know me? Does he like me? Is he in love with me?
Desperate and unhappy spouses do well to take off their sunglasses, removing the blindness of love with them. Except, of course, when illusions are preferable.
———-
Blind Monks Examining an Elephant by Itcho Hanabusa was created in 1888. It was sourced from Wikimedia Commons and comes from the Library of Congress.
Unfortunately, not everyone marries for love. How many marriages were forced because a night of passion resulted in a pregnancy? How many felt a biological clock ticking and chose someone proximate to them or recommended by a family member or friend? How many had a crush or infatuation, but it never panned out into love, much less felt on both sides? How many people came from toxic or damaged families and had no idea what love is?
Too many marriages really shouldn’t have been and the participants ended up bring out the worst in each other.
Absolutely right, Tamara. We marry for many reasons and, as I suggested in one example, even a choice when in love can come to grief.
In a world of independent women and perplexed men, it is no wonder that some are hesitant about meeting someone and jumping into a binding connection.
In a more secure world, perhaps the future will be somewhat different. Thanks for your important observation, Tamara.
You identified a common and painful dilemma…solutions?
It is not easily achieved. I described something in a chronic stage in which the partner lacks insight and understanding.
Indeed, he or she is a functional person in many ways, but doesn’t know how compromised he is. This limits his motivation to change.
The suffering of others is unrecognizable, and so he goes about his business. In my experience he is out of reach by the spouse and the therapist. I wish it were otherwise. Thanks for your comment, Evelyn.
I so appreciate the point you make, Dr. Stein, about the vast difference between listening…and understanding. Throughout my life I’ve steered away from shallow, more superficial friendships, counting myself fortunate to have meaningful connections with a smaller group of dear ones. Depth over breadth any day! ❤️😉❤️
Victoria, I love your response about steering “away from shallow, more superficial friendships, counting myself fortunate to have meaningful connections….” I believe that, too. I have one close, best friend now. I have few friends just barely outside the realm of closeness, but they’ve been friends of mine for decades. But I’ve distanced myself from those who were mere “friends of convenience” or those who simply soft-ghosted me. I don’t have time to invest in those who don’t really reciprocate in a balanced way (maybe not equal reciprocity, but at least balanced with a healthy amount of give-and-take). I’ve never married. I’m still hoping to one day, but I haven’t found a partner I could be happy with (or trust). Maybe I will in my latter 50s or early 60s. For now, I’m embracing midlife as it comes.
Dr. Stein, thanks for raising this issue of the intelligent, insensitive male, incapable of grasping vulnerability who undermines the success of a harmonious, marital relationship. As you know better than I do, we are complex human beings. The growing complexity of modern societies only serve to complicate our relationships even more. Happy the couple who succeed in attuning to each other’s needs and enjoy a long marital relationship.
Thank you, Rosaliene. While the males might outnumber the females in terms of not seeing or understanding their partner, they are not alone. Unfortunately, the description I used can and does apply to men and women. As you say, we are complex human beings.
I totally agree, Dr. Stein. We women are not immune to these male maladies of marital relationships.
Thank you, Rosaliene. The fallibility of the human race is widespread.
We were just talking about this last night. We know so many people in unhappy relationships or divorced and so hurt they’ll never date again, and a lot of that heartache comes from just what you describe.
Communication is a complicated matter, as you know, Erin. Sometimes the pain and disappointment expressed by one partner bounces off the other’s capacity to understand like a bullet hitting a bulletproof vest. A shame on all counts. Thanks for your, comment.
I enjoyed reading this blog entry, Dr. S – not so much for myself, but for perspective on how some of my married friends have struggled over the years – including male, female, and nonbinary couples. I can say, based on my observation, that anyone can struggle in a relationship that suffers from lack of intimacy, lack of connection, lack of affection, lack of human touch (hugs, etc.). You can be married or with a group of close friends and, at times, feel so utterly lonely because you feel unseen, unheard, and misunderstood by them (what I assume to be “relational blinders/blindness”). I have observed over the years that even married people can experience loneliness from their spouses in these ways. Dr. Stein, I was wondering: Is there any way to remove those relational blinders? Or did they choose to keep their relational blinders on? Why are their relational blinders on to begin with? Is there any way to prevent such relational blindness in the first place? How can you nurture a relationship so that it doesn’t get to this point? Or could it be that they made the wrong choice in a partnership with someone?
You ask a complicated question, Gayle. As I have said in the body of the post, and in response to Evelyn, there is no easy answer. Each of us changes over time if our lives last long enough. The work of sustaining a relationship with the focus and understanding and desire we might want, depends on both parties deciding to work on this constantly, and, importantly, to have the emotional and intellectual capacity to do so. Additionally, the changes they have experienced over decades must be compatible, something over which they don’t have full control. That is as much as I can say for the moment. Thank you for the interesting question.
Thank you, Dr. Stein. I am hoping you write more blog entries on this. 🙂
A very difficult subject. I guess individual expectations are in play as well. Too many people want to marry “perfect”, and that’s impossible, as you know. We do our best to find compatibility and then commit to a relationship, knowing that there are going to be problems along the way. We do our best to work through those and continue to love. The dating phase is crucial, and that’s the time to find out if there are irreconcilable differences, and then make the decision to end the relationship there before getting married.
Thank you, Edward. Difficult, indeed. I agree that the dating phase offers an opportunity to determine compatibility. Unfortunately, marrying early doesn’t allow two people to fully discover this unless they are both psychologically insightful about such things. Moreover, the person you marry at 30 is not going to be identical to the partner at 60. We all need more than a little bit of insight, the capacity to set aside the flood of emotional and sexual excitement that is usually present early, and a bucket full of good will and good luck.
You’re welcome, and you’re absolutely right. Oh my, do we need a bucket full of those and more!
I enjoyed your post, having followed the breadcrumbs from Edward’s blog. I remember the “Blind Monks Examining an Elephant” from ages ago… from a psychology class. It is still spot-on. Hugs.
Thank you, Teagan. Very kind of you. Yes, a brilliant man. All the best.
Caro Dottor Stein,
It took me almost two weeks to comment your text.
(Well, it’s not mandatory to comment all of your texts, but obviously this one deeply resonated into my soul)
In fact just reading the title I knew I needed time to simply read it to the end.
Then already the first paragraph with its three dotted points…
I could have written this exactly same title and paragraph (without your skill and distance as a psychiatrist).
This paragraph I shared many times with my best friends, not many, maybe three, with a sense of profound sadness from both sides..
So sad, the world we live in. Especially when getting old.
So few courageous, honest, sensitive, affectionate persons with whom to share this sadness.
And share laughs, hopes, courage afterwards!
So tired to constantly fight to overcome this sadness which is so present in this particular moment of my live, also so present in my dearest friends lives.
Surely the terrible dog days Europa is going through since weeks doesn’t help (don’t know about the situation on the other side of ocean!).
I don’t know how I could perform my weekly concert for my oldies last week without faint and being rushed to Emergencies!
So so so happy I played, so so happy to share profound human emotions through Beethoven, Tchaïkovsky, Bach and Friends…even if my fingers almost sticked to plastic keyboard!
Once again, caro Dottor Stein, you are such a precious companion in my life’s journey and I praise God you wrote one day about Carlo Maria Giulini, if I remember well, and your post gave me access to your blog and to your community of sensitive readers.
Now I earned my daily bathing in my fresh river!
Cari saluti.
Micaela
Your words are touching, Micaela. I am grateful for our connection in music and in words, but only wish I could do more to provide a balm in this difficult time in your life and for those who find themselves in similar circumstances. Your musical gifts continue to do good in the world.