Can you be too sweet, too giving, as if the goal were to disadvantage yourself and permit friends to use you routinely?
Is excess yielding fun? Do you defer as a matter of routine, forever allowing people to go first, hoping this makes you saintly?
At day’s end, are you at the end of the bread line?
Have you become invisible?
How might you determine whether you are providing too much?
Here are some signs your social life appears too much like social work, caring for another to the point you fail to take care of yourself:
- Are you the person who listens to others’ problems, the first person your acquaintances go to? By itself, this might indicate you are kind and sympathetic. But these relationships change to problematic when they do not go both ways.
- Do the same people impose on you unreasonably? Are you regularly asked to drop your needs to help them? Have the same individuals called late at night over minor upsets?
- Beyond words of thanks for your kindness, do the beneficiaries of your generosity express gratitude in more than words? Do you receive greeting cards, flowers, or candy? Dinner?
- Are you disappointed when “friends” contact you only when something from you is needed, without offering invitations to get together when their days are sunny?
- By your estimate, does your only value consist of working as an errand boy? If you failed to “give,” would your social life collapse? Do you doubt your worth beyond the ability to assist or console?
- Might relationships begin with the other’s gratitude for your kindness but move to a point where your generosity is taken for granted as an entitlement?
- Are you exhausted by the demands and requests of others?
- Can you say no when something is asked, whether this involves your time, money, or a ready ear?
- Do you fear being dropped from the A-list if you should become less available to them?
- Do you worry about hurting others if you refuse a request?
- Do you hesitate to express strong opinions? Are you afraid of rejection or criticism if you disagree?
- Are too many of your friends troubled souls? When you consider your contacts as a group, do they have more than their share of problems? Do you have a reputation for helping that draws more people to seek your assistance?
- Do you believe saying no is selfish or inconsiderate? When you don’t perform the required task, are you accused of being too much for yourself? Do you endure guilt regardless?
- Were you told you were selfish growing up?
- When unappreciated, might you believe you haven’t done enough?
- Do you make excuses for the other when your efforts are unappreciated?
- Do your friends make excuses that they don’t accept from you under similar circumstances?
- Are you unable to assert yourself with those who use you? If you do speak up, are your concerns dismissed?
- Do you hesitate to end toxic relationships?
If you have answered yes to several of these questions, you might have problems with self-confidence and an inability to assert yourself.
A dilemma exists when others regularly take advantage of such individuals as you. Might you suffer from a fear of abandonment?
This style of relating to people doesn’t go away. Consider psychotherapy if you recognize yourself in the above examples.
Life is easier and more fulfilling when those claiming to matter to each other show concern in action. The sooner you address this problem, the more likely your life will provide satisfaction.
As an old friend likes to say, “Buddies don’t count.” They don’t keep track of helping the other or paying for a cab ride. Keep in mind, however, that this can be taken too far. My buddy would tell you so.
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Both images above come from Wikiart.org/ The first is called Two Lotus by Huang Youngyu. The second is entitled Opera Figures by Ding Yangong.
Oh my social life…akin to social work. Yup. Just a few words speaking volumes to me. Thanks, Dr. Stein. And I love the “buddies don’t count” wisdom. Yes! I like your friend….I’ve got a good person like that in my life who says “friends don’t keep score”. 😉
Given your profession, Vicki, I am sure you’ve seen the social life/social work dilemma often. Yes, my friend is a grand fellow, but no one to be messed with!
You are correct…learning to navigate the social and personal parts of my life to avoid being “on duty” took some time and it still pops up as a challenge now and then but I’m better equipped to assert my boundaries. Age and relative wisdom. 😉
And I’m glad to know your friend is both grand and formidable! That’s a combo!
He is just as you say. Thanks, Vicki!
😉❤️😉
My friend circle definitely used to look like that, and I felt great pride to be the one people turned to. Some of the people reciprocated when I in turn needed help, but some didn’t. When I was making radical changes to my life and establishing boundaries – finally – I found that i stopped being the person I was before, and those type of people no loger found me attractive as a friend, so they stopped approaching me. I learned that by changing myself I could change my life dramatically, and that is a lesson I hold onto.
Recently I had a series of conversations with someone from my past (close family), and when I wasn’t following the pattern of communication they wanted, they became very angry with me and used every tactic to try to a) overwhelm me and intimidate me back into old patterns b) tried to anger me to get me off balance and c) tried to guilt me into old patterns.
I didn’t used to be able to see those communication patterns and would absolutely then be manipulated by that person. This time I saw it all happening, but didn’t call them out on it while we were talking because we were trying to problem solve for another elderly family member. This person became angrier and angrier, started raising their voice, until they hung up on me. I did text them and tell them I expected an apology for how they had spoken to me, but still haven’t heard back. I am not in a state of panic how I would have been previously, worried that I had perhaps ruined that relationship by standing up for myself. I am feeling calm, even peaceful, knowing this was their past communication patterns and if they need time to process what happened, then I feel quite safe in letting them have their own space.
If this results in them not speaking with me for a while or even a long while, I feel okay about that too, for I will not slip back into old behaviors in order to “keep the peace”. They may not even feel they have done anything wrong, and may be nursing anger that I spoke up to them, of course this is pure conjecture, but it is based on past patterns.
Changing old patterns in ourselves is just one step, we then also need to hold our new ground when people from our past come in and expect us to follow the old ways. When we don’t, we need to be able to NOT chase after them in order to establish peace again, for all we’ll do is reinforce the old behaviors.
This person is angry with me, and may stay angry for a long time, because they feel I have been “disloyal and unsupportive” by not aligning 100% with their viewpoint, but instead chose to honor my own view and opinion. That’s okay with me if they choose to stay away from conversations with me because they are angry. That is something I choose not to chase after any longer!
I couldn’t have described better the potential response of those who try to change someone back. If the one who is trying to change does revert, they have unintentionally reinforced the kind of behavior you received. You are a model of holding your ground, Tamara. Thanks for describing this so well.
I read this post with gratitude for how it helped me see how much I’ve grown. Is there room yet to grow? Yes. Is my life better for all I have grown thus far? Also yes. Thank you.
I don’t doubt that you will hold yourself to account in this way, Deborah. It sounds like you know where change is needed and are capable of moving forward by your own self reinforcement, not easy, but a terrific quality for those who have it. You have it.
Whenever I say “no” to individuals who seek to abuse my generosity, I prepare myself for the backlash that follows. Never easy, but necessary for self-autonomy. People who cut us off when we don’t serve their interests are not true friends.
Right on every point, Rosaliene. You have learned , as Shakespeare’s Hamlet reminds us, “To thine own self be true.”
Dear Doctor Stein,
This is unbelievable.
Or better exactly believable!
Exactly what Gustav Jung wrote about sincronicity.
This post and the preceeding one exactly are a reflection of what I’m going through in my life in this precise moment.
Well, when I’m immersed in difficult moments in my life, I always read the same authors:
Tich Nat Hahn
Rabbi Nachman of Breslau
The Tao Te Quing
Anthony Mello
Michael Meade
I open a page by hasard and guess what?
I always read exactly the words I need to read and meditate on.
And here you are.
Grazie di cuore, dottor Stein!
Thank you Micaela. Quite a reading list! I am glad reading my post came at the right time. Any small likeness to those authors is something I am grateful for. I hope the situation works out to your satisfaction. Be well.
Thanks Dr. Stein, it does feel good to be validated. I was satisfied with my response and am content to allow him the time to figure out how he will respond to me.
Patience and acceptance. If you have these, you will be fine, no matter the outcome.
Thank you so much for this, Dr. Stein… This has been a transformative year for me as I consciously work (hard!!!) to undo old patterns of people-pleasing. I haven’t said much about it; I’ve mostly just backed off. This new ‘me’ is taking some getting used to: especially for myself. After a lifetime of people pleasing, redefining oneself is… challenging and disconcerting. I’ll be glad when I get to the other side. I DO know that I am headed in the right direction. There were so many items on your list that I’m proud to say ‘no longer define me”. 🙏💕
Wonderful news, Patti. Many good and decent people who are unsure of the line between extending kindness and preserving necessary self interest struggle. Metaphorically, they find themselves too often out of gas, underwater, and wondering how to swim in humanity’s ocean without being lost at sea. It sounds like you are reaching the point of saying to the world, “Here I am. I know myself and my decency. I will do what I can, but continue to define myself as a good (if imperfect) person by my own standard, regardless of your approval.” Keep going, Patti.
“Good if imperfect.” That is EXACTLY how I have been feeling!! Thank you so much for ‘getting’ it, Dr. Stein. I really appreciated your post…🙏
Dear Patti,
I just was informed you liked my comment, and this moment of shared Humanity touches me deeply.
Let me copy two phrases of Rabbi Nachman of Breslau and allow me to dedicate them to you:
“Nothing frees more than joy.
It emancipated spirit and fills it with calmness.”
” Loose hope,
it’s a bit loose our own freedom,
it’s a bit loose what we are.”
I’m glad, Patti. If sometimes I don’t get it, please do let me know.
Such a great list of questions that allow room for the honest answering and self-assessment. Miss O and I have been talking about boundaries both in our family and with friends. Hard things to learn and practice. Thanks for the deeply reflective post.
Thank you, Wynne. Yes, it is hard, especially for children, for whom fitting in and standing out are ever-present issues. From what I’ve read about you and Miss O, however, my guess is that she has a strong personality already and will take on these challenges better than most.