We live in a world where everybody wants to be somebody. What is the real value of such distinction, success, or wealth?
Among Merriam-Webster’s definitions of distinction, one finds what all the future somebodies are shooting for:
- the quality or state of being excellent or superior
- special honor or recognition
- an accomplishment that sets one apart
- a degree or measure of succeeding
- the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
Becoming distinguishable from others wasn’t always difficult. It amounted to knowledge of your name.
Had you lived among a small group of people, as mankind did for almost all of human history, you’d have been identifiable.
For example, one might have been the tribe’s medicine man, a reader once written language arrived, or a caring neighbor. Perhaps a church elder and the tallest person around. Maybe even a garment maker, the village strongman, or the expert midwife.
You encountered little competition. Everyone heard whether you were courting, married, where you resided, the names of siblings and kids, and nearly all spoke your name when they extended a greeting.
It might not have been paradise, but you weren’t anonymous. Your position was relatively secure, enjoying a unique spot or place within the modest group you lived with or the town you inhabited.
By contrast, in the so-called First World of the 21st century, accountants, psychologists, surgeons, and lawyers are as plentiful as apples and the trees from which they fall. Unlike the apples, however, no one automatically has knowledge of your origin or the type of apple you might be.
These days, without the desire to be a big fish in a small pond, you have to make a splash in the ocean instead of becoming a fish out of water that some say is all wet.
Competition now requires marketing oneself. Not everyone wishes to turn into a brand, however. Many prefer recognition as a person, as imperfect as they are.
Is this unacceptable? Might the current definition of somebody be part of the problem?
To my mind, Frank J. Peter has the answer:
The best way to be somebody is to matter to somebody else.
You get to choose whether this works for you, though others might disagree. Do you wish to be a hostage to their opinions and live at their direction? This sounds rather like remaining in the eight-year-old role you occupied when your parents set the rules.
Here are possible ways to be somebody that don’t involve widespread acclaim or the things money can buy:
- Create or preserve beauty. The planet can use another Shakespeare and an endless number of gardeners.
- Be a mentor.
- Raise and guide a child.
- Make friends and express gratitude for your intimacy with those you are close to.
- Love someone.
- Display kindness to all those who enter your life.
- Be a citizen who furthers the survival of the democratic republic of the USA.
- Heal others with touch and concern.
- Hug and hold hands.
- Stand up for what is right, for the innocent, and for children.
- Teach.
- Take care of yourself so you can do the above and reduce the worry of those who care for and about you.
- Give money to worthy causes and those who are needy.
- Be a helpful neighbor.
- Do your part, however small, to save the planet.
None of these guarantee fortune of the dollars and cents kind. Nor is fame likely.
Such rewards aren’t necessary. Look at people and offer what all of them need and some appreciate. Seeing them as they wish to be seen is a gift many have never received.
The pursuit of awards and riches has had some detractors. One was Epictetus, a lame Roman slave in the first century A.D., known as a Stoic philosopher:
“Wealth does not consist in having great possessions…but in having few wants.”
To do enough to matter to someone else is a form of wealth worth the effort.
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The painting at the bottom is Mark Rothko’s #14, 1960, a part of the collection at San Franciso’s Museum of Modern Art.
Your list of loving actions warms me. Yes, yes to “healing with touch and concern”. I’m with you…each reminder/recommendation has the potential to reap infinite rewards and riches.
This is a keeper of a post…and quite shareable for someone I care about who could use a boost today. (And you know I’m thinking about Mr. Milton Stein…every knock…is a boost. Thanks for bringing the boost this morning!). 💕
I hope it helps your friend, Vicki. Milton Stein would be pleased! Thank you.
💕💕💕
I would not even begin to know how to be SOMEBODY! Too much pressure, to foreign and a life that seems meaningless in many ways. Small and quiet and genuine as your list suggests Dr. Stein. Thank you for the gentle reminder that what so many think they need and seek is really not what life should be about.
Well said, Deb. It might have been easier in an earlier lifetime. Certainly less encouragement to be somebody from the media, influencers etc. A quiet, thoughtful, generous life had a place. It can still be created and that’s the good news. Keep it up, Deb!
What a wonderful post to ponder for all the Type As, overachievers, and driven souls out there. I have a feeling that you, Dr. Stein, matter a great deal to many somebodies.
Very kind of you, Evelyn. One thing that therapists and retired counselors get is their share of admiration and sometimes more. It should never be taken for granted.
Deeply honored by the gracious nod, Gerald. Thanks, as always, for being a voice of reason and decency, friend of the world.
As I have stated on your blog, Frank, you often hit the bulls eye. You certainly did with the sentence I quoted. I always look forward to your direct, unashamed, and thoughtful essays. Your praise is much appreciated.
Your most kind words of encouragement and generosity of spirit have rescued me from the abyss of cynicism more than once, Gerald. Shalom.
Those who see the world as it is tend to recognize the dark side, Frank, at least in my experience. We may both struggle with that. Certainly, I do. But there is another side. I just read Tyranny of the Minority by two Harvard historians. By the end, you might see a more hopeful and realistic view of the future than most books on our complicated moment in history. At least, I did.
Thanks for sharing that, Gerald. Rest assured that if I make a mistake it will be in the direction of hope.
Glad to hear it, Frank!
Village life does, indeed, have its advantages, but can also be constricting as I discovered when living in Mabaruma, the government administrative town in Guyana’s northwest tropical rainforest region. One can become infamous for not falling in line. Thank you for the list of “possible ways to be somebody that don’t involve widespread acclaim or the things money can buy.” It assures me that I’m headed in the right direction.
Not knowing village life first hand, it has always struck me that there was a potential claustrophobia there, as opposed to the city’s anonymity. As you know from your wide living experience, few places satisfy in all ways. But I am glad you are known by at least some for your goodness, Rosaliene.
Thanks, Dr. Stein <3
Years ago when I was reviled and criticized by my primary abuser, my mother, I wished nothing more than to prove her wrong. I really, truly wanted to become SOMEBODY, to silence her words. When I had said I wanted to be an author, she laughed and called it “pie-in-the-sky” dreams. I illustrated and wrote my first book. I hoped then I’d be SOMEBODY.
I later wrote a couple personal development books, but those were no longer to prove that I could, although after the first one I did hope to sell a lot of them to make some good money and distinguish myself. By the second book I realized that I was writing for a much smaller audience, which was fine with me.
Throughout my life I also created art, but even though I received high praises for my craft, no one seemed to want to buy my art, so I learned to do it for myself.
In my younger years I craved to be SOMEBODY, for that seemed to be where I’d find my self-worth. As I got older, I realized that my self-worth was never going to come from outside things I did, but instead how I treated and spoke to myself.
Sometimes NOT becoming a huge success or a well-known SOMEBODY is the best thing to happen, for we get to do what we set out to do, but our whole lives don’t get upended with all the trappings of celebrity. I would not have been happy NOT accomplishing what I have, for I had a deep need within myself to prove I could. Once I did, I was able to release those old insecurities.
Now I am quite content just trying to make a little difference in a few people’s lives around me and even perhaps through my blog. Happiness really is found in the little things, but sometimes we need to climb those mountains first so that we can return to our own home fires, content that we made every effort.
I am happy for you, Tamara, and impressed by your rejection of external voices. Rarely are they reliable, unfortunately, and often quite self-interested or disinterested. Our job is to transform ourselves throughout our lives and find which of society’s constraints and opportunities fit the transformation at each stage. It sounds like you know this well. More power to you!
Dear Doctor Stein,
Your list is exactly the list I cherish since years and years, and exactly the one I try to honour, with my own limitations and difficulties.
Grazie.
Thank you, Micaela. You are most gracious, as always.