Getting the last word can end relationships. Not always, but often. The rage builds in response to perceived offensiveness. Increasing resentment triggers one who has had enough. The chance of pushback grows.
High volume, blistering, venomous comments come at once. You can’t retrieve or erase them. They can be unforgettable.
Sometimes, a more measured retort makes the point without the blast. Let’s consider the offense and how to fix the breach in the relationship.
What Causes the Offense?
Many possibilities:
- Words that attack or diminish.
- A sense of being ignored.
- Unfairness and the belief that you have been taken advantage of.
- The experience of the offender pushing you around, literally in the case of bullies.
- Telling your secrets.
- Making fun of you in public.
- Infidelity in friendship or love.
- Too much truth, or at least what the truth-teller thinks is essential to deliver.
Relationships of long standing carry value because of irreplaceable shared experience. Worth might diminish over time, however, for one or both of those who were close.
Some of the reasons:
- Lives change, and distance increases.
- Getting married.
- Having children.
- Moving away.
- Taking a different job.
- Becoming more successful.
- The feeling of being forgotten.
- Politics.
One hesitates to mention it or ask the friend to remedy the situation. The injured party concludes that things won’t change, or he is too sensitive.
The discontent enlarges as the pain becomes a daily preoccupation.
Delaying the Response:
The importance of connection contributes to our hesitation to voice concerns. We struggle with the right words, the best moment, and worry our complaints will be dismissed.
Worse, they might cause more damage.
Waiting is common. The possibility of losing the buddy creates hesitation. You fear pushback from the person who injured you.
Some never raise the issue, others explain the difficulties in small pieces. Hoping the friend will enlighten himself fuels the postponement.
Detailing the troubles face-to-face is better than an email or text. The latter are often misunderstood but thought to be safer.
One-Time Conflicts:
If the unhappiness is rare between people who tend to get along well, salving the wound may not be required.
Time can heal the injury. Moreover, if you are a confident person, it is easier to set aside any accusations about your character.
When You Can’t Put the Issue Aside:
If you believe a vital matter will not resolve itself, the question becomes how to approach it:
- The time lapse since the event or events must be long enough to reduce agitation, but not so long that the opposite party will have forgotten the incident or incidents..
- Ask yourself if this confidante is worth the trouble.
- Consider whether the other can understand why you might be upset. If he is obtuse or defensive about such things, never taking responsibility or offering an apology, you are unlikely to repair the bond.
- Talk to a wise and empathic acquaintance to obtain his perspective.
- Look in the mirror and evaluate whether you have misunderstood your friend or contributed to the rupture. You might want to lead with this.
- Be sure the peace talk allows sufficient time.
- Converse face-to-face or, at worst, on Zoom.
- Agree to avoid interruptions such as texts and phone calls.
- Begin by telling the other what he means to you.
- Organize your thoughts, read them if you prefer, and recognize how your counterpart is responding as you proceed.
- One thing at a time, if possible.
- The parties benefit from setting ground rules. These should include the ability to speak without interruption.
- Consider a mediator or couples counselor.
- Use “I” statements. That is, “I felt hurt” rather than “you hurt me.”
- Keep as much eye contact as possible.
- Realize others might be surprised or have their own list of accusations.
- Agree to meet a second time or more often. That, by itself, can reveal the friend’s desire to solve the problems and maintain the connection.
- You may have to renegotiate your relationship to save it.
The Matter of Apology:
Sometimes you need a break. Weeks, months, or years, by design or accident, meet the definition of a time-out or ceasefire of sorts.
Upon reflection, one or the other of you might have cause to apologize, call a truce, or obtain closure by ending things.
Avoid “I did this, but YOU did X… It is a poor expression of regret.
People grow apart and grow back together. Some of us restart a friendship after decades or when the end of life moves closer.
An old baseball expression, if you modify it, applies:
The game isn’t over until the last man is out.
My view is that so long as there is time and the will of both individuals, there is a chance.
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The first painting is Argument Over a Card Game by Jan Steen. Next comes Jealousy by Tomisu. Finally, a painting called Politics, by Robert Robinson.
As a retired elementary teacher, I often say that some adults could take a lesson from kids in this regard. Second and third-graders have disputes like anyone, but there seldom is any carryover because they just want to be friends. They seldom hold grudges or show an inability to forgive each other. Sometimes we adults can be so stubborn that we let problems fester instead of finding ways to move past a dispute.
Sincere apologies can go a long way to making things right. The worst apologies are something like, “I’m sorry if I offended you in some way.” This suggest that the receiver of the apology is being overly insensitive. People need to be able to apologize for a specific behavior. “I’m sorry I dismissed your opinion. I was wrong and will do better in the future. Please accept my apology.”
Absolutely right, Pete. I have seen a smaller segment of what you are talking about with kids, and agree in general. They are innocent and better for it.
I like to call the apologies you identify as the “worst” as similar to the apologies of politicians. The best book I have ever read on the subject is “On Apology,” by Aaron Lazar. You ring the same bells as he does. If he hadn’t gotten there first, you could have written it! Thank you.
I love your thoughtful encouragement about what to do, what steps to take when resolution seems unlikely on its own. Terrific advice…like a menu of considerations. I’d say the act of reading and reviewing your essay provides a potent pause. The opportunity to slow down and reflect before taking action. So good! A keeper of a post and oh-so shareable, I’d say.
One last thing…words that really resonate for me, thinking about past conflicts. Some large, some scarcely memorable. A reminder to choose words, should they flow, with great care:
“Sometimes, a more measured retort makes the point without the blast.”
Thank you, once again, Dr. Stein! đź’•
I am touched by your praise, Vicki. I suppose to write something on the subject is easier if you’ve had a few run-ins with people. I am at the point of caring less about the disapproval of others, too. The years massage away much that seemed desperately important once upon a time, at least for me. Doing battle with others should encourage a large measure of hesitation lest one lose people you care about. From my knowledge of you, you are not one to jump into battle without hesitation when friends are at stake. A wise policy.
My pleasure. I believe you speak the truth – for one’s own sanity and well-being. Best to pause, hesitate and consider whether the interaction is worthy. Agree with you about the passage of time, too. My how priorities change. Less defensiveness on my part…greater willingness to walk away. Happily. Sending hugs! đź’•
Much appreciated, Vicki. By the way, how you accomplish so much is beyond my understanding! You are a wonder!
Oh my goodness. Nice of you to say so, but I’m just plodding along. Truly. xo! đź’•
This post lays out so many good points.
I heartily agree with having a face to face talk to be able to figure things out, instead of texting, for we tend to overlay a tone of voice that suits our own anger or upset rather than listening to the tone it was written in.
Conflict resolution ideally should be done closer to the 1st objectionable event rather than allowing a buildup of events, but that not always possible. By the time things build up, there may well be issues on both sides that need to be addressed.
Resolution isn’t always possible. Sometimes people need to just step away and work on their own lives.
My 3 takeaways!
I am p[eased that we both take a similar approach to the questions posed here. You have clearly learned from you own challenges, an education most of us have not endured. Though the cost has been substantial as you have described it in your blog, all who read you benefit from your earnest desire to help them. Thank you, Tamara.
Dr. Stein, thanks for this comprehensive look at our relationships with each other, so essential for our emotional well-being and survival in society. Relationships can and do change over time. Some end explosively; others with just a whimper as we drift apart. Considering all the complexities of maintaining a healthy relationship, as you cover so well, it’s up to each one of us to decide which relationships are worth fighting for.
That is always the question, isn’t it? What is worth fighting for, what is not worth the trouble, and what battles (personal and political) are essential. Anyone who reads your writing knows they are encountering a brave comrade in the essential battles. Thank you, Rosaliene.
Thanks for your kind remarks, Dr. Stein <3
What a great post, and beautiful extension in the comments. I’ve observed that a lot of folks seem to struggle with setting aside their ego to support repair of a damaged relationship. You provide a helpful roadmap to navigate those interpersonal complexities that so many of us have floundered through at least once or twice.
Yes, we have all floundered. Indeed, it was the floundering in my earlier life that reminded me of the value in writing about it. I am glad you found it worthwhile. Thank you, Erin!
Your “When You Can’t Put the Issue Aside” list is a great tool for working through problems. The time lapse and looking in the mirror are very important.
How you started your post reminded me of an old boss and his desire to send an outdated piece of Army equipment to a unit he thought needed it. His staff, me included, spent a whole week pointing out that sending that equipment was not the best course of action. Of course, he was in charge, so he had the final word. I did the coordination and sent the equipment. The unit understood the situation and knew this particular leader, so they were gracious enough to accept the equipment and then dispose of it as scrap metal. We maintained our professional relationship with this leader, but his actions destroyed our trust in him and harmed his reputation. He would have benefited tremendously from reading your post.
Thanks, Edward. Your experience of working in what is called a “total institution” in peace and war allows you an access to knowledge beyond those who haven’t lived it. Surely your experience informs your perspective on our world.
You’re very welcome. It definitely did. It showed me the full spectrum, from the good to how capable some people are of doing evil in this world.
❤️
Very sweet. Thank you.