Getting the last word can end relationships. Not always, but often. The rage builds in response to perceived offensiveness. Increasing resentment triggers one who has had enough. The chance of pushback grows.
High volume, blistering, venomous comments come at once. You can’t retrieve or erase them. They can be unforgettable.
Sometimes, a more measured retort makes the point without the blast. Let’s consider the offense and how to fix the breach in the relationship.
What Causes the Offense?
Many possibilities:
- Words that attack or diminish.
- A sense of being ignored.
- Unfairness and the belief that you have been taken advantage of.
- The experience of the offender pushing you around, literally in the case of bullies.
- Telling your secrets.
- Making fun of you in public.
- Infidelity in friendship or love.
- Too much truth, or at least what the truth-teller thinks is essential to deliver.
Relationships of long standing carry value because of irreplaceable shared experience. Worth might diminish over time, however, for one or both of those who were close.
Some of the reasons:
- Lives change, and distance increases.
- Getting married.
- Having children.
- Moving away.
- Taking a different job.
- Becoming more successful.
- The feeling of being forgotten.
- Politics.
One hesitates to mention it or ask the friend to remedy the situation. The injured party concludes that things won’t change, or he is too sensitive.
The discontent enlarges as the pain becomes a daily preoccupation.
Delaying the Response:
The importance of connection contributes to our hesitation to voice concerns. We struggle with the right words, the best moment, and worry our complaints will be dismissed.
Worse, they might cause more damage.
Waiting is common. The possibility of losing the buddy creates hesitation. You fear pushback from the person who injured you.
Some never raise the issue, others explain the difficulties in small pieces. Hoping the friend will enlighten himself fuels the postponement.
Detailing the troubles face-to-face is better than an email or text. The latter are often misunderstood but thought to be safer.
One-Time Conflicts:
If the unhappiness is rare between people who tend to get along well, salving the wound may not be required.
Time can heal the injury. Moreover, if you are a confident person, it is easier to set aside any accusations about your character.
When You Can’t Put the Issue Aside:
If you believe a vital matter will not resolve itself, the question becomes how to approach it:
- The time lapse since the event or events must be long enough to reduce agitation, but not so long that the opposite party will have forgotten the incident or incidents..
- Ask yourself if this confidante is worth the trouble.
- Consider whether the other can understand why you might be upset. If he is obtuse or defensive about such things, never taking responsibility or offering an apology, you are unlikely to repair the bond.
- Talk to a wise and empathic acquaintance to obtain his perspective.
- Look in the mirror and evaluate whether you have misunderstood your friend or contributed to the rupture. You might want to lead with this.
- Be sure the peace talk allows sufficient time.
- Converse face-to-face or, at worst, on Zoom.
- Agree to avoid interruptions such as texts and phone calls.
- Begin by telling the other what he means to you.
- Organize your thoughts, read them if you prefer, and recognize how your counterpart is responding as you proceed.
- One thing at a time, if possible.
- The parties benefit from setting ground rules. These should include the ability to speak without interruption.
- Consider a mediator or couples counselor.
- Use “I” statements. That is, “I felt hurt” rather than “you hurt me.”
- Keep as much eye contact as possible.
- Realize others might be surprised or have their own list of accusations.
- Agree to meet a second time or more often. That, by itself, can reveal the friend’s desire to solve the problems and maintain the connection.
- You may have to renegotiate your relationship to save it.
The Matter of Apology:
Sometimes you need a break. Weeks, months, or years, by design or accident, meet the definition of a time-out or ceasefire of sorts.
Upon reflection, one or the other of you might have cause to apologize, call a truce, or obtain closure by ending things.
Avoid “I did this, but YOU did X… It is a poor expression of regret.
People grow apart and grow back together. Some of us restart a friendship after decades or when the end of life moves closer.
An old baseball expression, if you modify it, applies:
The game isn’t over until the last man is out.
My view is that so long as there is time and the will of both individuals, there is a chance.
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The first painting is Argument Over a Card Game by Jan Steen. Next comes Jealousy by Tomisu. Finally, a painting called Politics, by Robert Robinson.
