relationships

June 16, 2024

The Purest Way of Paying Attention to Another

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity,” wrote the French philosopher and activist Simone Weil.

It is elusive, like a ball that rolls away from us. Though we talk about the importance of friends and those we love, in their presence, we are preoccupied and distracted much of the time.

There is a way to change this.

Weil, who died at age 34 in 1943, approached the task by emptying herself, surrendering the space that would otherwise be devoted to her ideas, emotions, judgments, anticipations, and memories. She would then possess the openness and the opening in her life to listen and absorb the other, including whatever pain she might be carrying.

Rather than tension-filled, intense focusing of her mind, the young woman set aside a personal agenda: looking outward rather than drawn to the internal mirror of her self-preoccupation. 

This amounted to a subtraction of her person to devote herself to the companion. She welcomed the conversation partner’s voice, expression, emotion, and ideas — receptive to her whole being.

The journey with the other mattered, but the destination or goal of the interaction didn’t. Gently pairing her presence with another was not an intellectual task but a practice of waiting for that figure to unveil herself.

She neither searched, problem-solved, or held her breath but accepted what was revealed by the counterpart.

Think of how your mind works when you drive, assuming you are alone and not listening to a podcast, music, or talking on the phone.

Your attention is diffused, open to all the moving objects on the highway, not just one. Since anything can happen, you absorb everything as the vehicles proceed, enter or depart the road, change lanes, adjust speed, turn on lights, and signal what they intend to do.

You are prepared to accept all possible incoming stimuli and efface thoughts of yourself that might interfere with that readiness. If another car creates danger, the center of interest narrows, and you respond to ensure no harm occurs.

What happens when you leave the car, sitting across the table from another soul?

The background is often distracting: strangers walking in and out, music, and overlapping conversations. Perhaps you keep track of elapsing time, mindful of errands and future appointments. 

Ideas about what your friend is saying and who you think she is are at the top of your mind. However, that agenda might be set aside to speak rather than listen, cut her off in urgency to comment, disagree, persuade, take offense, or impress her.

Phone calls and text messages further intervene. You wonder what the other thinks about you, including whether you are attractive, wearing fine clothes, showing interest in her, or boring her stiff.

The mind shifts back and forth. 

If you are in a meeting on Zoom, you look at others, and you look at yourself.

God help you if you take endless solo selfies to admire or study. There is no room for the other in this.

When engaged in friendly human interaction, you are at your empathic best if you dispense with any agenda other than surrendering your focus to who is at hand. Your concern is your acquaintance’s presence and life. 

You fashion this unique latitude not in the hope of being changed or afraid of losing control or altering her. You permit the development of what happens almost on its own in the time you spend together.

Time becomes your friend if you do not fix on the clock.

You wait to discover what occurs and what she says, thinks, and feels. If she is in pain, your obligation becomes a moral one. 

The concerned response is to witness her suffering and abide with her. You are not in control and don’t take charge. Let the river of life and your interlocutor take you where they take you.

The Weil scholar Peter Winch described this approach to a person who is dealing with a painful episode in her life:

I cannot understand the other’s affliction from the point of view of my own privileged position; I have rather to understand myself from the standpoint of the other’s affliction, to understand that my privileged position is not part of my essential nature, but an accident of fate.

Patience is necessary. Reflect on your conversation later to evaluate what happened and what you learned. You did justice to the counterparty by absorbing her presence and all that came with it. 

You experience only what she allows you to see and hear and only if you give her enough room to inform you of what is essential.

This kind of attention is neither customary nor easy. Mindfulness meditation may be a pathway to it.

Consider trying it on occasion. Stripping away what diverts your attention allows you to change how you relate to others. Doing so might cause them to seek you for social interactions that are more pleasing, supportive, and different from what they are used to.

You can also discover that your understanding of others enlarges and that any social anxiety you experience during your time together is reduced.

Life is too fraught to let the busy world sweep you into its endlessly buzzing machine of unsatisfying contact with the most important people in your life. Weil offers an alternative.

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Each of the photos of Simone Weil (pronounced Vey) was taken in 1921 and sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

June 9, 2024

Being Seen and Finding Understanding From Another

We wish to be known, seen, and heard. We hunger for this, looking for someone who wants to know us. Such a human being sometimes appears to be in short supply.

To fit the role, he must possess a high emotional IQ and be a keen witness of the human condition. Additional qualities include knowledge, dedication, enjoyment of people, and the capacity to concentrate with intensity.

Those who hope to understand you must recognize how their urgency to speak, make an impression, or be understood interferes with fulfilling your desire. If he offers rapid advice, not permitting time to grasp who you are, his delivery of solutions aborts the chance of connection.

One who offers instant advice demonstrates a misunderstanding of his counterpart’s emotional craving. The former’s discomfort, ignorance, naivety, presumption, or impatience leave insufficient room for developing an atmosphere of intimacy.

The door soon closes, and the person hoping for some indication of understanding and acceptance shuts down.

A listener’s accomplishment of that conversational mission requires an act of selflessness. Given that the yearning to be seen is widespread, he puts the other’s needs first in a tender moment. If he and the other find this satisfying, his perceptive compassion becomes a regular part of their relationship, even though it is not the only feature of their togetherness.

An additional complexity, however, is that the one listening might not have been told the other’s goal. Indeed, sometimes, neither party grasps the unstated, unexplained agenda.

Few homo-sapiens declare their wish to be seen as they see themselves, recognized for the catch in their voice, and beheld as if by the comic book character Superman. In addition to a form of X-ray vision, respect must be displayed, no matter what that mock superhero discovers about the speaker’s hidden life.

Nakedness plays a role in this. An auditor who cannot tolerate the conversation partner’s distress tries to give him a quick action plan. The unspoken meaning tells the vulnerable soul to put his clothes back on and cease the unveiling.

An additional challenge for the one who offers benign human contact is to stretch his capacity to grasp another’s sensitivities. He cannot begin to approach the understanding of experiences he has not lived without careful, acute attention, sympathy, and thought. 

To accomplish this, he must envision another life on the fly. Moreover, the glimpse inside that person’s existence should not be considered at an end when the two individuals part.

Parting carries a danger. Comments delivered when saying goodbye leave little chance for clarification. Misunderstandings wait until another interaction occurs — if it does.

Moreover, as Daniel Kaheman’s research on the peak-end rule demonstrates, a person who finds the end painful tends to count his disappointment greater at the end of things than if it happened earlier in their time together.

For the listener to learn more, he must replay and rethink what happened during the entire period spent together. In other words, he takes on a homework assignment, one never assigned.

In an ideal circumstance, the interlocutor who opens himself receives the gift of his opposite’s time, deep focus, and care. Such generosity might, in some instances, be called an act of love.

The person who receives his colleague’s openness benefits from being trusted—no small boon. Gratitude, friendship, and affection frequently follow. Reciprocity, too, but only if the pair can each let go of their inward focus when necessary and gather the signs of meaning in someone else’s voice and body.

To be human means considerable self-preoccupation. In the best moments, however, such a creature embraces his fellow men and women, setting aside the most pressing demands of a busy life and well-practiced, routinized styles of relating.

He chooses to give the other help in getting beyond the psychological fortress he maintains, a defense against the injury members of the race also inflict. 

As in the biblical Battle of Jericho, the walls come tumbling down when this works. But unlike that conflict, the barrier is lowered voluntarily. There is no wartime victory but the triumph of a shared humanity. A transcendent moment.

The listener recognizes that the other — in his frailty and innate value, dreams, and desires — is not so different from himself, no less worthy of kindness and love.

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The two photos above are the lovely work of Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

The first is Sunset on the Canadian Plains in Saskatchewan in August 2023. Beneath it is a Humming Bird in Cuba in 2024.

 

June 2, 2024

When You Can’t Admit the Relationship is Over

Ending relationships is no fun, but humor sometimes creates the insight needed to do so.

The therapist must be careful before entering the laughter zone, however. Time, trust, and compatibility are essential. First, the time it takes to build the individual’s confidence and comfort. Second, the counselor must have joked more than once. The doctor and client should enjoy each other’s company and have a firm, enduring relationship history, including the comic side of life.

The psychologist provides something close to indirect advice in the example below. The therapist’s timing and capacity to make his client laugh will diminish the sense that he is giving instructions to be followed.

The following encounter occurred more than once in the course of my practice:

The woman had been in treatment for some time. She had tried to persuade her lover to show less mean-spiritedness and more concern for her needs. Nothing worked despite repeated attempts. In the course of her office visits, I asked about the effectiveness of her efforts. My question, “What does that cost you?” was not new to her.

Frustrated with her boyfriend, this charming lady was not ready to leave him. One day, well into treatment, she began recounting yet another episode of disappointment. My response was unfamiliar.

“Dr Stein, is there anything else I can do to get him to respond to me in the way I’d like?”

A pregnant and thoughtful pause ensued.

I don’t think they make mallets that big.

An enormous laugh exploded into the room.

That line is not the only one I used to deliver a similar message. My female partner in our psychotherapy practice suggested a different one:

Get off the cross, we need the wood!

Between the possible risk of giving religious offense to the client and the implication he or she was whining, I rarely used the latter comment. Nonetheless, my partner assured me the patient’s response was the same whichever of these statements was made.

When the laughter died away, the client shifted to a pensive mood. “Yeah, I know you are right,” was the characteristic, sober, regretful response. It wasn’t unusual for the woman to begin to reflect on the history of her relationship and all the attempts she had made to recreate it. Pondering how to untie the connection to her boyfriend often ensued, though not always in the same session. Her thoughts, not mine.

This blog post does not guarantee hilarity or a turning point in the client’s life, but none of my patients became resentful or defensive upon hearing either punch line.

No one ever found a mallet and used it on the fellow they talked about or me. Nor do I believe a license is required to carry it. One word of advice, however: Be sure you don’t get a hernia when you lift the thing.

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The top image is called “The W-ST-T Just-asses a Braying-or-the Downfall of the E. O. Table” by James Gillray, 1782. The photo below it is Utah Moonset, 2024, by the wonderful Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

May 11, 2024

First Love and Recovery From Heartbreak

First love has a long lifespan. Indeed, the intensity of affection can survive well past the twosome’s formal breakup.

A transformative romance stretches time like taffy, far beyond the last goodbye. When it does, the memories impact the former lover and those who take her place.

The first time packs a wallop. Risks are surmounted, among them opening your heart, exposing your unclothed self, and saying three words that total eight letters.

Is that number lucky? It all depends.

At its best, first love combines enchantment, joy, and touching intimacies. For those who doubt themselves, it represents an affirmation, too.

The message of love demonstrates your worthiness of the consideration and affection of another, about which many lack certainty. The partner gives you wholeness sufficient to salve your insecurity, at least as long as the relationship continues.

Assuming delirium-inducing emotions persist on both sides, the gift of substance and meaning endures. 

More often, one has either found someone else, decided he is unready for a permanent connection, discovered troublesome qualities in the admirer, or realized the spark is gone.

A young heart shatters.

What happens then? Several possibilities exist.

Questions are asked. Why? Wasn’t I good enough? Did you meet a guy you liked more? What did I lack? Tears have been known to enter the conversation, including those of person who decided to end things.

Denunciations are spoken or written. Blame. Indictments. Accusations of infidelity or lying. Rage.

Perhaps the one departing offers friendship. The invitation to a platonic relationship tends to sound like a guaranteed last-place finish in the Kentucky or Epsom Derby. 

Deal making. Promising to do better even to the point of begging and pleading.

And then? Nothing but memories unless torturous photos of sunnier days survive. 

Closing the door produces a formal conclusion of the partnership if the one left behind plays by the rules. No more emails, texts, phone calls, surprise appearances, or dates will be written in the calendar, nor rapture emerge in response to a touch now forbidden.

Shadows persist, nonetheless. The image lives on, as do both the best and worst recollections. 

Scenes are replayed by the abandoned one. Return visits to favorite old places recall better times and delightful occasions. “Our song” is back on the open market, no longer ours. After grieving, perhaps the sad one begins to date again, but he is not the same.

In many cases, the first love carries a part of you away, like a thief in the night. Your heart is now a hostage without a payable ransom for its return. The emotional attachment is the property of the ex. 

Once a welcome visitor in everyday life, now makes regular appearances within. She pays no rent for the space or heartache inside, rendering automatic comparisons with appealing newcomers and serving as a measure of perfection unlikely to be matched.

Any fresh flirtation must contend with the one who loved you for too short a while. Sleepless and thinking of her, you carry a torch, hoping to rekindle her interest.

A first love tends to be idealized regardless of your need to shrink her to size. The previous lover becomes the gold standard because the one who is hurt makes her so. She is unique, as all “firsts” seem to be. Seem …

She now inhabits a mental and emotional room in the individual she left, where all her gifts grow in the guise of a phantom.

Yearning can persist for years. The spark of such a one lasts, in part, by making an imprint that cannot be duplicated. 

The initial feelings of a person being swept away are similar to the astonishment associated with the birth of your first child. Neither the newborn’s enlivening effect nor the electricity of first love had ever been encountered before. 

No matter the virtue of any new romantic interest, the entrance of another is hard-pressed to produce the wonder that came earlier. The advantage of the predecessor was her entrance into another life innocent of love.

We can only be innocent once.

Revisiting old emails and texts, if the bereaved chooses to, is a self-imposed twist of the knife. Writing letters you don’t send can express the pain and perhaps drain some of it. 

Sometimes, taking inventory of all the former lover’s good and bad qualities is helpful. Doing so may reveal fewer reasons to continue worshiping the one you paint as a goddess.

Destroying old photos and written communications can reduce the temptation to think of her over and over.

A question arises—a question that needs an answer. Was #1 irreplaceable, or were your emotions the simple product of the human desire to love and be loved? Were you ready and waiting, ripe for the taking?

Potential mates, some quite remarkable, can still be found nearby if you seek them. The right moment awaits. You carry it with you.

In the end, the magic of your first love almost always diminishes as the breakup recedes in time, but requires returning to the dating game without her. 

Yes, you erected a statue of the one you believed was the only one. Still, as you reconsider the pain and preoccupation of something that cannot be, one hopes the sculpture will be seen with new eyes and without adornment: the remnant of a spell that must be broken.

The initial sweetheart was on time at the right time, and now that moment is past.

Perhaps you are ready to realize, as did Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, that the wizard was unnecessary for the life she wanted. There were other possibilities there for the taking if she pursued them.

Kansas and her family might not be your destination as it was for Dorothy, but love doesn’t only reside in a single place or departed heart.

As Shakespeare’s Coriolanus reminds us upon being banished from his Roman homeland, “There is a world elsewhere.”

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Rejected Suitor at the top of the page is the work of Norman Rockwell. It originally appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post in 1926. Next comes Salvador Dali’s The Ghost of Vermeer Van Delft from 1934. It is followed by Arcimboldo’s Summer, completed in 1563. Finally, The Torero of  Broken Hearts, 1902, by Gerda Wegener. They are all sourced from Wikiart.org/

 

April 28, 2024

Finding a Meaning for Your Life

We wonder, search, and think about what our lives amount to. Take any meaning of life you’ve read about, and many thinkers will offer alternatives.

Consider this one:

What if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness, and say to you, ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence’ … Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: ‘You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine. 1.   

The idea of an “eternal return” or “eternal recurrence” belongs to the German philosopher Friederich Nietzsche. However, similar thoughts can be found among Stoic philosophers and in the Hindu and Buddhist religions.

Regarding the meaning of life, however, the famous man may be suggesting something additional.

From an ethical point of view, he raises the issue of whether how you lead your life today grows out of your values. Are you guided by persuasive moral and/or religious standards you would follow if given a second chance?

Nietzsche puts it this way:

The question which thou wilt have to answer before every deed that thou doest: ‘is this such a deed as I am prepared to perform an incalculable number of times?’ 2.

Beyond decisions about right and wrong, the meaning of life can also take another form: Is your existence so fulfilling you would jump to have another life in the pattern of the current one? What is lacking if your answer is no?

Nietzsche offers this thought:

My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati (to love your fate): that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely to bear what is necessary, still less conceal it … but love it. 3.

Whether one or more repetitions or returns to life occur, a related question is worth thinking about: at what point should you determine if your time on earth has been fulfilling, moral, and well-lived?

To find the answer, we turn to the tale of Solon and Croesus. The former was an important statesman and philosopher, and the latter was considered the wealthiest man alive and conqueror of the known world.

When the wise man visited him, King Croesus made sure his servants took him on a tour of the glories of his palace and the treasures he possessed.

The rich man was disappointed to find his guest unimpressed. “Have you ever encountered a more fortunate, happier man?”

The philosopher proceeded to name four.

Of Tellus the Athenian, he said:

Tellus was neither rich nor poor, and all of his children were good and noble; he lived to see them give birth to their children and died an old and respected man while volunteering to fight for his country. 4.

Croesus asked for the identity of a second man whose life was more excellent than his own:

It has to be Aglaus. The man was so happy living on his farm that he never even felt the need to leave it. And that’s where he died, admired by his friends and surrounded by his loving family. 4.

The king persisted in questioning, and Solon told him of two brothers:

Cleobis and Biton, mighty king. They were healthy and beloved youngsters who always had enough to live on. One day, after the oxen of their mother Cydippe went missing, they yoked themselves to the cart and drove their mother for five miles until reaching the Temple of Hera, where she, a priestess, was headed to honor the goddess at a religious festival. Overjoyed and proud, The parent of the young men asked Hera to bestow the best gift upon her children. She did: her boys lay down in the house of prayer and died peacefully in their sleep just moments after. They are still fondly remembered for their strength and devotion.” 4.

Croesus appeared flabbergasted not to be thought of as the most impressive man in existence. The sage gave him an explanation:

You seem to be rich beyond comprehension, and I’m sure that, at this moment, no man can fulfill more of his fantasies than you can in the whole wide world. However, I’ve seen people just as rich as you die more disgraceful deaths than the commonest and poorest of all men. Because, Croesus, man is entirely chance, and nobody knows what the gods may bring tomorrow. You should count no man happy until he dies. 4.

Yours truly is no sage and cannot offer you the final word on the meaning of life. Most people ask this of themselves in any case. You might take a moment to determine what constitutes the significance and fulfillment you search for.

And if you are curious to learn more about Croesus, the glory of his life after the encounter with Solon didn’t last.

Was Solon, therefore, right when he said you should not evaluate the joy in a lifetime before an individual dies?” Perhaps you believe Nietzsche is correct in telling you to embrace and love your fate no matter what it is.

It’s up to you to discover the meaning of your life.

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The three photos above are the superb artistry of Laura Hedien, with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

The top image is Peek A Boo Slot Canyon, Utah, 2024. Next is Provo, Utah, Coming In March 2024. Finally, a Railroad Signal Light in the Fog, Lake County IL 2023.

1. http://Schacht, Richard (2001). Nietzsche’s Postmoralism: Essays on Nietzsche’s Prelude to Philosophy’s Future. Cambridge University Press. p. 237. ISBN 978-0-521-64085-5.

2. Ludovici, Anthony M., ed. (1911). “The Eternal Recurrence”. Friedrich Nietzsche: The Twilight of the Idols. §28 – via Project Gutenberg.

3. “Ecce Homo”. Basic Writings of Nietzsche. Translated by Kaufmann, Walter. p. 714.

4. https://www.greekmythology.com/Myths/The_Myths/Solon_and_Croesus/solon_and_croesus.html

April 14, 2024

Mäkelä: In the Shadow of Great Men

Last week, the Chicago Symphony’s former 82-year-old conductor had reason to be unhappy. By contrast, his successor and future occupier of that throne, a tall, energetic, and ambitious 28-year-old, was feeling on top of the world.

The latter, Klaus Mäkelä of Finland, failed to mention the most recent CSO Music Director in interviews celebrating his own designation as the ensemble’s leader beginning in 2027. Ricardo Muti, the former head of the glorious band, is the fellow whose name was absent.

Here is an excerpt from Mäkelä’s April 5th interview with WBEZ Radio’s Courtney Kueppers. The young man offers a telling description of the sound of the Chicago musicians and two of those who created it:

It’s an amazing sound. Its brilliance, its shine, its strength, its everything. And it’s really touching to hear. I was thinking about yesterday, when I started rehearsing, I listened to all the recordings — I love the old recordings and all the recordings of the past — and there were some moments when I thought: Oh my god, this sounds exactly like a Fritz Reiner recording [Reiner was CSO’s maestro in the 1950s] or a [Georg] Solti [the Chicago orchestra’s longtime music director] … And I think that’s incredible that they’ve managed to preserve it. And of course, my job is to also further develop it, but also preserve it. And I think it’s so wonderful because in today’s world, orchestras start sounding the same. And we need voices which are really original.

Hmm. Why might Mäkelä have neglected Muti, now the CSO’s Conductor Emeritus? No doubt, Maestro Muti believes he did more than “preserve” the orchestra’s qualities in his 13 years as top man.

But Mäkelä associated himself with the two most significant conductors in the Windy City since the middle of the last century. One gathers that he expects to fill their shoes. As Daniel Burnham, the architect who designed the CSO’s Orchestra Hall, wrote:

Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men’s blood and probably will not themselves be realized.

Reiner and Solti would have agreed. They did more than “preservation” of the status quo. They made “no little plans.”

Fritz Reiner rebuilt a CSO in recovery from everything that had happened in Burnham’s building during the preceding 11 years.

“Papa” Frederick Stock, their leader since 1905, died in late 1942. He was followed to the podium by Desire Defauw, who stayed for a less-than-stellar four-year tenure. World War II complicated the Belgian’s time, leaving him with 11 new players in his first season.

Artur Rodzinski lasted only a season (1947-48), and the 36-year-old Rafael Kubelik just three (1950-53). Fritz Reiner’s arrival at the end of 1953 raised the CSO on all levels, not least their long-playing records, which remain perhaps the most consistently fine group of discs in its history.

Amsterdam’s  Royal Concertgebouw

Georg Solti’s contribution was different. A Hungarian like Reiner, Solti inherited many of the same players who performed with Reiner before Solti began as Music Director in 1969. The group included several fine personnel additions made by Jean Martinon, Reiner’s immediate successor, including Principal Horn Dale Clevenger.

Even so, the CSO had toured little domestically and never outside the USA. Solti made sure his new orchestra crossed the ocean. International fame and a flood of records followed, as did endless tours in the United States and abroad.

Klaus Mäkelä (K.M.) is in the habit of commending big, transformative names. Upon the news of becoming the future Chief Conductor of the Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra of Amsterdam, he told Principal Double Bass Dominic Seldis of his admiration for Willem Mengelberg’s recorded legacy. The man K.M. named put that renowned ensemble on the map and led the first festival of Gustav Mahler’s complete Symphonies in 1920.

Mengelberg last conducted the Dutchmen in the 1940s. Mäkelä mentioned no one who served after that. 

It is easy to conclude that Chicago’s youngest-ever Music Director wants to change an orchestra that must adapt to survive in the post-Covid world. His charm seems to belie an extraordinary self-confidence.

The job is enormous, and he knows he must replace 15 players out of the gate.

Who might Klaus Mäkelä have named if he’d been appointed to the Boston Symphony? Serge Koussevitzky, no doubt. But that conductor’s mark involved more than insisting on a ravishing orchestral tonality and realizing his interpretive genius in concert and on disc.

The BSO leader commissioned countless works and steadfastly championed them, including those of American composers. His fingerprints are also on Ravel’s orchestral transcription of Pictures at an Exhibition and Bartok’s Concerto for Orchestra.

In 1942, he established the Koussevitzky Music Foundation, which continues to support living composers. Moreover, Koussevitzky fashioned the New York Philharmonic’s summer concerts in the Berkshires into an annual warm-weather festival of the Boston Symphony at Tanglewood, focused on performance and the mentorship of young musicians.

Serge Koussevitzky

Successful conductors each possess a potent ego. One cannot stand before soloist-quality musicians of experience and intelligence without it. The players must be convinced you are worth their time, though they will carry you even if you aren’t. Everything suggests Mäkelä has the ego and technique to do the job.

The three conductors named by Mäkelä, as well as Koussevitzky, had that and more: a visionary quality that would take the men and women sitting before them somewhere beyond the next performance.

As Seldis noted in the Concertgebouw interview, Mäkelä’s new “office” — the glowing concert hall in which he will perform in Amsterdam — has 26 red-carpeted steps leading not far from the organ pipes down to the stage — a harrowing trip for some.

One can only hope that the steep descent he will walk signals nothing ominous about the talented baton-smith’s future. Two storied orchestras expect every bit of his capacity beginning in 2027. 

My suggestion? As Former U.S. President Teddy Roosevelt said:

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

For now, a Burnham-like “plan” will have to wait.

April 7, 2024

Where to Find Acceptance

Everyone wants acceptance from friends, bosses, and those we love. We also search for self-acceptance, the knowledge of oneself, and satisfaction with who we have become and what we have achieved.

One other kind is not less important. A rewarding life requires assent to the terms of living, the inevitable joys and sorrows, along with all our fellow travelers in the same air and water on or above the earth.

I’m speaking of accepting the rules of the game of existence, which include how to survive, live in the moment, take joy in small things, develop resilience, and mindfulness of the shortness of time.

No other creature knows the last of these conditions. Homo sapiens do.

The other side of the equation is expecting too much and believing time is endless. Thinking we can “have it all” when no one can.

What does all mean?

Those of us in the Western World want a significant measure of wealth and the material well-being that accompanies it. Many seek status and admiration of a substantial kind and amount.

People wish to be known by a select group and accepted for who they are, though this comes with risks.

Virtually everyone prays for a long and healthy life, maintaining the body and appearance of a preferred version of an earlier self. Countless others also hope to produce robust, handsome, happy, and bright children.

Men and women search for a society fit for fellowship, laughter, liberty, and a fair chance at happiness. Most tend to believe they’d “do the right thing” while hoping the daunting challenges pass them by.

One more desire should be added to a potentially longer list. To live in a peaceful world in a country striving for justice and the flourishing climate enjoyed by our grandparents.

Since a guarantee of winning all of the above and the entirety of whatever else you seek is beyond us, I’ll add a more attainable goal.

You can’t have it all, but you can have enough with effort and good fortune. Yes, despite much of it being out of your control in the hands of fate.

No one achieves a delirious, perpetual state of happiness. Even then, it is an elevated mood not because of but in spite of misfortune–looking for life’s randomly distributed good, joyous, incidental kindnesses and strokes of luck even when obtaining joy seems foolish.

Enough depends on rewriting your objectives and discovering a decent share of happiness in a more limited life. It is accepting life’s downside.

Enough is in need of patience with time, friends, (and therapy, if necessary) to return you to the set point of well-being you used to inhabit. Something close, at least.

Enough asks you to empty most of your bucket list and change your goals as you age. You might discover that 4-star restaurants don’t matter to the extent you used to believe, and becoming the chief of the tribe carries more unhappiness than the status it confers.

Enough is recognizing the day is short and choosing a modified catalog of priorities because you realize earthly eternity is out of reach.

Enough means learning to give to others and honoring their value as more fulfilling than receiving riches from them.

Enough is doing your part to repair the world. And being accepted by a few of those with the open hearts you seek.

You have one life. None of us will ever know all the universe’s secrets, win every game, produce a squad of Olympic gold medal children, and never encounter the people who like to fight.

There will always be scoundrels.

Will you rate your life high only if you do and see everything, with a perfect score on each new test?

Shooting for all the glorious targets exists in our imagination but not elsewhere. You, those you love, and the planet depend on a more nuanced set of expectations and efforts.

Modesty, humility, and acceptance provide a softer landing place.

Safe travels.

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The top photo is of A Local Morning Fish Market at Lake Awasa, Ethiopia. Next comes Sunset on the Candian Plains in Saskatchewan in August 2023. They are both the work of Laura Hedien, with her kind permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

 

March 24, 2024

Alone, Together and Other Social Choices

Has the world become lonelier, or was it always so?

Edward Hopper’s paintings suggest, at least, that he saw the loneliness of his time. Or perhaps what he painted was his solitary nature.

Not everyone wants to join others. The difference between extroversion and introversion is often what fuels us and whether our interests require time alone.

The introvert’s inborn nature tends toward the latter. Depletion is the consequence of spending too much time in groups. The extrovert is different. He is energized by human contact that saps the former.

The one who avoids parties and needs days off from time in public is often misunderstood.

Does he stay away because he thinks himself better than others? He might be shy, but introverts require recharging.

Does he postpone getting together because he prioritizes writing or another solo task?

Does the public element of his day job leave him exhausted?

Serenity, calm, or a meditative state are unavailable in the active and interactive human world. It is a condition many wish for.

How do we understand those not like us (if we understand him at all)?

Consider Hopper’s New York Movie, just below. What do you see? Is the usher daydreaming? Worried? Lonely? Thinking about her boyfriend? Bored? Has she seen this film too many times? 

Is she craving meaningful contact with others, or is she relieved to be by herself?

What basis do we use to determine this? Is it possible to get the correct answer based on this snapshot?

Now study Hopper’s painting Office at Night. It shows two people, one of whom appears preoccupied with his reading. He is turned away from the woman, indifferent to her.

Though opening or closing a file cabinet, the female faces the man. The typewriter suggests she might be the man’s secretary, as would have been a likely occupation for her in 1940.

But there is another consideration: she is young, pretty, and curvaceous, yet the man pays no attention to her.

What does this say about the pair? Again, we tend to make assumptions based on little data and our own history of making sense of the world. Is he married? Is he glued to what the paper says? Introverted? A workaholic? Will either one take action and engage the other? In what way? Will one of them regret what they do, say, or fail to do?

Depending on how you interpret many of Hopper’s canvases, you might believe you have an understanding of who his subjects are. You might be puzzled. Many conditions can be inferred: sadness, isolation, desperation, and expectation.

Ultimately, the observers—including you or me—exist outside of any activity within the art. Instead, we watch, think, and feel. We maintain a respectful distance from our art-loving neighbors because we are focused on the art and its message.

Do we shape ourselves into solitary, lonely, contemplative, active, or passive individuals? For the same price of admission, there might be other individuals who are by themselves. Doubtless, some are intelligent, puzzled, waiting for a companion, attractive, or any combination of these qualities.

And maybe one has noticed you.

The gallery allows you to create the world as you wish it to be. Anyone there has the capacity to bring a social event into being. Is your next best friend steps away? How about a momentary conversation partner, a person ill-suited to a discussion, an art student, or tonight’s dinner date?

What will you make of it? Do you realize it is yours to make? What does your presence, attire, stance, expression, or gait tell those nearby about you?

You are not a painting, but if those on the wall were watching you as you observe them, they’d have the chance to take your measure just as you draw conclusions about them.

The creations on display—their color, likenesses, and forms—wait for you to create what happens next. 

As Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage … and one man in his time plays many parts.” Introverted, extroverted, or otherwise, it is your turn to choose and read your lines.

Life is not a rehearsal; it is, in every moment, a never-to-be-repeated performance.

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All of the Edward Hopper paintings are sourced from Edward Hopper.net/

From top to bottom, they are Hotel Lobby, New York Movie, Office at Night, and Automat.

March 10, 2024

How to Find Ourselves — With Help From “Poor Things”

We are launched into this world as if a computer programmer designed us. Nature gives newborns their essence, including hair color, skin shade, gender, and a developing brain.

Unlike built-in software features, however, we can attempt to modify them by living.

Our parents beat us to the job. They tell us to do this, do that, think this, and forbid that.

Their voices direct us to take risks — or not. And don’t forget those who urge us to have faith and then vacillate.

Much as our progenitors wish us well with love, guardians sometimes fashion a fence too high. Not all limitations provide protection; many of our caretakers paint the highway lanes of appropriateness with a narrow brush, policing their domain and ours.

Overseers often aim to mold you into their vision of how you should conduct yourself. Safety first? Sometimes, what is “for your own good” isn’t fitting for your flourishing.

What remains to every adult is widening the horizon of possibilities, removing the blinders, and making ourselves over. Few of us are finished products when college beckons, and we leave the assembly line of homelife.

The master German poet Rilke advised us to change our lives.

The 2023 movie Poor Things offers strange guidance for self-creation, consistent with Rilke’s urging. Emma Stone plays a young woman named Bella, created in part by a scientist we might call mad: Godwin Baxter, a surgeon whose nickname is “God.”

“God” views the young lady as an experiment — with affection as well. Her curiosity leads to adventure, and a bit is allowed. Still, she leaves him to fulfill her interest in a broader world than Godwin’s attitude permits within the home.

She proceeds toward the opposite of a contained, sheltered life. Bella breaks objects, takes risks, offends people, and discovers life by living it in extremes. The naive but intelligent female absorbs everything and grows from all she encounters, from books, new friends, poverty, sexuality, and mistakes, albeit not without temporary injury and setbacks.

Bella is not judgemental and sympathizes with the human condition, touched by the lives of others. When people attempt to take advantage of her, she moves on, free from grudges or thoughts of revenge. You might say she is a kind of feminist icon, a child-woman who searches for the best way to live and transforms into who she wishes to become.

Here is someone without a mask or a bended knee at the sight of a man.

This movie has been widely praised and takes us on a wild ride. It helps to have a stomach for the protagonist’s dangerous decisions, but the film is not a hellscape and is more than amusing. You needn’t enter the theater with a shield to come out pleased with the entertainment.

Many messages and morals can be taken from Poor Things. The one I prefer is not to restrict ourselves so much that life’s riches remain out of reach.

Consider approaching the time ahead as an experiment. Make yourself its only subject. As to others, don’t judge too much, don’t nurse grudges, and be strong — and joyous.

You will do well to be half as strong as Bella Baxter.*

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*Poor Things has received nine Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Cinematography. The awards will be announced on Sunday, March 10, at the annual Academy Awards Ceremony.

The top photo is Emma Stone at the 39th Mill Valley Film Festival. It is the work of Steve Disenhof: https://www.flickr.com/photos/marinsd and sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

February 21, 2024

In Praise of Seriousness

You won’t see any smiles if you gaze at a 19th or early 20th-century family portrait. The same is true if you peer at the sculptures and paintings of Lincoln or Churchill or the imagined likenesses of Socrates and Caesar. Sobriety and dignity will be observed, but no frivolity.

The selfie world had not yet dawned. The renderings of these people are not sad or anxious but suggest the adults have taken on hard problems and won more than they’ve lost. Not goods or money but something inside.

The images communicate a sense of accomplishment, solidity, and integrity. Their eyes and expressions show they have grown from encountering life and earned the respect their face conveys.

The visage and stance of each of them offer more than can be seen. André Breton’s description of a Mexican painter comes to mind: 

“The art of Frida Kahlo is like a ribbon around a bomb.”

Socrates was not a bomber, but you get the message. These personalities were not to be toyed with. They have substance and weight — gravitas.

In their presence, you might be in awe. There is something more significant here, more extensive and formidable than the average person.

The likeness captured by the sculptor’s hands or the painter’s brush suggests the possibility of action. One imagines a world that does not act only on the artist’s subject but is acted upon by him.

The illustrations display what was customary in portraits of this kind in their time, but more. Whoever authorized the rendering of himself or his family wanted to be seen and recalled in a particular way.

The poet Mark Van Doren suggested that the basis of seriousness is education. He believed part of that growth of knowledge was the two-word Socratic instruction to “Know Thyself.” Van Doren said more.

He meant: Know in thyself the person thou hast never discovered was there, the person who is identical with all other persons in the end, the ideal, the perfect person insofar as he is knowable. Granted, he is not fully knowable. But education is never serious except when it is trying to dig him out, to bring him to a second birth, to make him think and speak.*

Put differently, man has much more in common with his fellow women and men than the many differences noted often. To quote Van Doren further, “Good and reasonable people, Abraham Lincoln once said, are the same everywhere.”*

Van Doren added, “Those who know best that all men are the same are themselves the most individual, the most personal, the most moving and loveable of men.”*

The growth in knowledge of oneself and another brings wisdom, joy, and sadness. One needs a practical education to make a living, but one must read books and play a part in the world and its collective well-being. Here, in these efforts, is the making of a serious person.

Specialization in a single discipline can undercut this. Homo sapiens need a more expansive view. The solitary one’s danger is to be so preoccupied with his career that his humanity slips through his fingers. Without his embrace of the inhabitants of a wider world, he will not engage with them in kindness and consideration.

Nor will he understand them.

Everyone demonstrates the values they live by and those they carved out and left aside. This is all the more true at a time when knowledge is growing exponentially.

Ultimately, relationships should allow the asking of questions and the disclosure of individual gravity. No emphasis on darkness or severity is intended in saying so, but rather the gathering of friends who accept peculiarities, ideas, laughter, and seriousness. 

In this, ladies and gentlemen, there is a recognition of how much one man shares with another. An approach of such deliberation and thought also puts energy into watching acquaintances, thinking over their words, and learning what their language does not reveal.

There are many ways to play, including the play of ideas.

Perhaps we inherited a lighter quality of being from the epoch of the sober folk. Where else could it have come from? The success of what they created gave succeeding generations an easier life.

Serious people pair their humor with a conscience and their laughter with goodwill.

Laugh and frolic from a humble place. Mankind never learns all there is to know about itself or others. But what you can discover will only be worthwhile if you are serious.

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The first of the two family photographic portraits of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt was taken in 1895. The second, done while he was in the White House, dates from 1907. The Abraham Lincoln image in the center is an 1863 silver halide print.

*The Mark Van Doren quotes come from his September 15, 1963 address at the University of Illinois.