relationships

August 17, 2025

Painful Words and Relationship Repair

Getting the last word can end relationships. Not always, but often. The rage builds in response to perceived offensiveness. Increasing resentment triggers one who has had enough. The chance of pushback grows.

High volume, blistering, venomous comments come at once. You can’t retrieve or erase them. They can be unforgettable.

Sometimes, a more measured retort makes the point without the blast. Let’s consider the offense and how to fix the breach in the relationship.

What Causes the Offense?

Many possibilities:

  • Words that attack or diminish.
  • A sense of being ignored.
  • Unfairness and the belief that you have been taken advantage of.
  • The experience of the offender pushing you around, literally in the case of bullies.
  • Telling your secrets.
  • Making fun of you in public.
  • Infidelity in friendship or love.
  • Too much truth, or at least what the truth-teller thinks is essential to deliver.

Relationships of long standing carry value because of irreplaceable shared experience. Worth might diminish over time, however, for one or both of those who were close.

Some of the reasons:

  • Lives change, and distance increases.
  • Getting married.
  • Having children.
  • Moving away.
  • Taking a different job.
  • Becoming more successful.
  • The feeling of being forgotten.
  • Politics.

One hesitates to mention it or ask the friend to remedy the situation. The injured party concludes that things won’t change, or he is too sensitive.

The discontent enlarges as the pain becomes a daily preoccupation.

Delaying the Response:

The importance of connection contributes to our hesitation to voice concerns. We struggle with the right words, the best moment, and worry our complaints will be dismissed.

Worse, they might cause more damage.

Waiting is common. The possibility of losing the buddy creates hesitation. You fear pushback from the person who injured you.

Some never raise the issue, others explain the difficulties in small pieces. Hoping the friend will enlighten himself fuels the postponement.

Detailing the troubles face-to-face is better than an email or text. The latter are often misunderstood but thought to be safer.

One-Time Conflicts:

If the unhappiness is rare between people who tend to get along well, salving the wound may not be required.

Time can heal the injury. Moreover, if you are a confident person, it is easier to set aside any accusations about your character.

When You Can’t Put the Issue Aside:

If you believe a vital matter will not resolve itself, the question becomes how to approach it:

  • The time lapse since the event or events must be long enough to reduce agitation, but not so long that the opposite party will have forgotten the incident or incidents..
  • Ask yourself if this confidante is worth the trouble.
  • Consider whether the other can understand why you might be upset. If he is obtuse or defensive about such things, never taking responsibility or offering an apology, you are unlikely to repair the bond.
  • Talk to a wise and empathic acquaintance to obtain his perspective.
  • Look in the mirror and evaluate whether you have misunderstood your friend or contributed to the rupture. You might want to lead with this.
  • Be sure the peace talk allows sufficient time.
  • Converse face-to-face or, at worst, on Zoom.
  • Agree to avoid interruptions such as texts and phone calls.
  • Begin by telling the other what he means to you.
  • Organize your thoughts, read them if you prefer, and recognize how your counterpart is responding as you proceed.
  • One thing at a time, if possible.
  • The parties benefit from setting ground rules. These should include the ability to speak without interruption.
  • Consider a mediator or couples counselor.
  • Use “I” statements. That is, “I felt hurt” rather than “you hurt me.”
  • Keep as much eye contact as possible.
  • Realize others might be surprised or have their own list of accusations.
  • Agree to meet a second time or more often. That, by itself, can reveal the friend’s desire to solve the problems and maintain the connection.
  • You may have to renegotiate your relationship to save it.

The Matter of Apology:

Sometimes you need a break. Weeks, months, or years, by design or accident, meet the definition of a time-out or ceasefire of sorts.

Upon reflection, one or the other of you might have cause to apologize, call a truce, or obtain closure by ending things.

Avoid “I did this, but YOU did X… It is a poor expression of regret.

People grow apart and grow back together. Some of us restart a friendship after decades or when the end of life moves closer.

An old baseball expression, if you modify it, applies:

The game isn’t over until the last man is out.

My view is that so long as there is time and the will of both individuals, there is a chance.

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The first painting is Argument Over a Card Game by Jan Steen. Next comes Jealousy by Tomisu. Finally, a painting called Politics, by Robert Robinson.

July 13, 2025

The Questions We Don’t Ask

Much as we understand others, there are often things of which we aren’t aware. The painted acquaintance remains unfinished, no matter how long our association.

Secrets separate — the embarrassing imperfections, the naked truth. All the uncomfortable territory the other prefers to shield, and we never inquire about.

Humans, including the most intelligent, also hide shortcomings from themselves. Intelligence counts for little in such matters. Our species defends against recognizing its flaws.

Even those who have taken several looks in the mirror might ignore or miss shadows. Figurative blind spots cover troubling thoughts.

We repress elements of the dark side, an unconscious, self-protective act. The psychological defense of denial recalls an old play on words known to counselors: “Denial is not a river in Egypt,” a phrase referencing the famous Nile River. The Nile, not denial.

Rationalization cannot be escaped in full, an attempt to give reasons that purify and satisfy our conscience and those who stand in judgment of what we have done.

Projection is another part of our defensive toolkit, characterized by assigning our flaws to friends and strangers. One might go on. There are more ways to keep knowledge of ourselves from ourselves.

Since we don’t want to reveal everything or allow the other to ask us about the guarded portion of our life, we hesitate to open the door to mutual shared intimacies.

Here are a few of those questions (below each photo) that often go unasked and might be experienced as an interrogation by the one from whom answers are expected:

  • Are you as happy as you appear to be?
  • What single moment in your life would you repeat?
  • If you conclude that the afterlife you believe in isn’t real, how would you alter the way you live?
  • How often do you think about death?
  • What is the thing you’ve never told anyone?
  • What is the action you are most proud of?
  • The worst? Why?
  • How do you determine what is right and good in a moral sense? To what degree do you depend on sacred texts or clerics?
  • Do you think you are moral? In what way do your actions demonstrate your morality or fall short?
  • Do you attempt to reduce climate change? In what ways?
  • Do you live by the commandment in Leviticus 19:33-34 of the Hebrew Bible? “The stranger who dwells among you shall be to you as one born among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.”
  • What role does anger play in your life?
  • Kindness?
  • Do you aid the poor and homeless?
  • What does money mean to you? Why? Do you display generosity?
  • When did you recognize you were aging? How did you react?
  • How have you changed in the last 10 years?
  • Will you be recalled in 100 years? What would you like to be remembered for? Why does it matter?

  • Do you travel much? Why? Why not?
  • Do you value enjoyable activities more than purchased objects? Which of these is more fulfilling? Why do you think so?
  • Do you envy the life of another? Why?
  • Have you committed adultery? Why? What happened?
  • What is the state of your marriage? Would you marry the same person again? Would you stay single? Why?
  • What have you learned about life that you didn’t grasp in early adulthood?
  • Describe the most courageous act of your life. How about the least admirable?
  • What must you change to improve your life?
  • Are you lovable? What makes you so?
  • Do these questions cause discomfort?
  • Are you answering them truthfully?
  • If a genie gave you three wishes, what would you wish for?
  • Are you happier alone or with others?
  • Can you be yourself with others?
  • Are you more emotional or logical?
  • Are you more like your father or your mother? In what ways?
  • Are you happy with that? Have you tried to modify any of those qualities?
  • Do you worry about what people say about you? Why? What difference does it make?
  • Does anyone see you as you would like to be seen?
  • What are your values and which do you give priority? How high do you place your own happiness? Justify it.
  • Do you expect reciprocity in most relationships?

The list could go on.

Of course, you might want to ask yourself these questions before contemplating the uncomfortable task of questioning anyone.

Another way to approach the subject would be to ask, “What would Jesus do?” As an alternative, fill in the name of the historical or religious figure of your choice.

There are no requirements here, but you might learn something by considering the thoughts and feelings the list has provoked.

So would we all.

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The top image is The Two Faces of Juliet by György Kepes, sourced from Wikart.org. The two photographs are the work of Fan Ho. The first is called Smokey World (1959). The second is entitled Black Lane (1960).

April 10, 2025

“Hurt-People” Hurt People*

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People who are in pain can cause others to have pain.

They don’t wish to; it is not intentional.

Instead, it’s sometimes hard for them to do otherwise.

This will sound insensitive, I know, but beware of starting a new serious relationship with someone who is hurting.

Bear with me here; perhaps you will think better of me and this advice once you read on.

Let us start with the image of a drowning man. If you swim out to save him, you are likely to find that, in his flailing, panicked, and desperate attempt to stay above water, he grabs on to you and pulls you under.

Life guards know this. Since it is their job to save the drowning, they approach them cautiously. They have been well-trained to constrain the movements of the struggling swimmer so that he can be saved and his threat to the rescuer is minimized.

Moving back to dry land in our discussion, how might someone who is hurting do harm to a new best friend or lover?

For one thing, the neediness of the suffering individual can establish an unhealthy basis for the relationship from the start. The unwritten “contract” between the two parties will require that one helps and the other receives comfort, with little reciprocal responsibility. This inequity risks eventual “burnout” in the caretaker and possible frustration that the damaged friend is not improving fast enough.

Some who are in the role of a “friend/helper” find that their own needs are perpetually postponed and that their efforts to provide solace will be seen as entitlement and, therefore, unappreciated and taken for granted. Indeed, even if the altruistic partner receives gratitude early in the relationship, such appreciation often fades.

Sometimes, the connection between the two people morphs into a “hostile dependency,” where the person receiving the assistance resents the fact that he cannot function without his comrade.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c9/US_Navy_100914-N-7293M-042_Lt._j.g._Daniel_Cooper_and_search_and_rescue_swimmer_Seaman_Apprentice_Ryan_Owens_take_turns_rescuing_an_injured_swimmer.jpg/500px-US_Navy_100914-N-7293M-042_Lt._j.g._Daniel_Cooper_and_search_and_rescue_swimmer_Seaman_Apprentice_Ryan_Owens_take_turns_rescuing_an_injured_swimmer.jpg

Once the injured person recovers, the helper might discover he is no longer needed. Healed from his injury, the formerly damaged partner now might be less interested in spending time together. Just as a bird with an injured wing will fly away when it becomes healthy, your friend might also take off to do other things with other people. Rebound romances are notorious for this sort of thing.

Unfortunately, the caretaker group of this world is overpopulated with people who believe that they have substantial personal inadequacies: that they aren’t bright enough, handsome enough, interesting enough, confident enough, pretty enough, or successful enough to win the interest of another emotionally stable and successful person.

Insecure people tend to believe that no psychologically healthy human would want to go near them. They seek those damaged and hurting souls who might, they reason, find someone with limitations tolerable simply because of the quasi-therapeutic assistance he provides.

To the dismay of the self-doubting persons I’ve just described, I’m here to report that this “solution” to reducing the chance of rejection is potentially disastrous.

Choosing a damaged partner because you believe that he will display perpetual gratitude is a recipe for being used and disappointed. Indeed, the accumulation of rejections from those to whom one shows devotion only reduces one’s sense of self and cements the tendency to choose others who are damaged in the belief that one cannot successfully appeal to anybody else.

It’s better to “get better” and become more confident than to select a lover or a group of friends in various stages of dysfunction because you think no one else will have you. Just because someone you know is unhappy or needy, however genuine his need is, doesn’t necessarily make him a good person or someone right for you.

In considering whether what I’ve written applies to your own life, you might ask yourself whether you know many relatively well-adjusted folks and whether your relationships commonly involve large amounts of hand-holding and quasi-therapeutic devotion. If most of your close social contacts take a good deal more than they give, you might be choosing the wrong close friends and lovers.

Can you predict who will be a reciprocal friend, returning to you close to as much as you give to him? Don’t assume that everyone in the world is badly damaged psychologically. It may simply be that everyone you know is struggling, and you are forever putting yourself out for the wrong people, effacing your needs.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/54/Lange-MigrantMother02.jpg/240px-Lange-MigrantMother02.jpg

Yes, there will be many times in a relationship when generosity and a helping hand are healthy, considerate, and essential. Indeed, that kind of concern and responsiveness to our fellow man is part of what is best in the human species and is valued by almost every professional therapist at a personal level.

Charity is a good thing, but surrounding yourself with friends who regularly require your charity is different.

Most relationships should not demand perpetual self-sacrifice, especially at the beginning. Remember that therapists are paid for their services even if this is not the only reason they choose a helping profession.

Even counselors recognize that they cannot assist everyone and have emotional limitations to their capacity to help others.

At night, after the work day is done, the therapist goes home (we hope) to family and friends who do not consistently suck the life out of him. Nor does he allow his patients to do this because, if he does, he will not be able to do good work or do it for very long.

The bottom line is to leave therapy to professionals.

If your social life is social work, you have a problem.

Hurt people, hurt people.

One of the latter could be you.*

*For those who find this essay too harsh, please read the first comment and my response in the “related post” below.

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The top image above is Oakie Family by Dorothea Lange.

The second image is described as Mediterranean Sea (Sept. 14, 2010): “Lt. j.g. Daniel Cooper and search and rescue (SAR) swimmer Seaman Apprentice Ryan Owens take turns rescuing an injured swimmer during SAR training aboard the amphibious transport dock ship USS Ponce (LPD 15)… (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Nathanael Miller/Released).” The picture was sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

The final image, Migrant Mother, (also by Dorothea Lange) is of Florence Thompson with some of her children. The Library of Congress caption reads: “Destitute pea pickers in California. Mother of seven children. Age thirty-two. Nipomo, California”

The Wikimedia website states that “in the 1930s, the FSA employed several photographers to document the effects of the Great Depression on the population of America. Many photographs can also be seen as propaganda images to support the U.S. government’s policy of distributing support to the worst-affected, poorer areas of the country…”

March 4, 2025

Beyond Words

Sometimes, beauty or a touching moment surpasses our ability to describe it. Think of a child’s birth, his playful innocence, or just a smile.

Music does this, too. Gustav Mahler, a composer of grand symphonies, said, “If a composer could say what he had to say in words, he would not bother trying to say it in music.”

And yet, occasionally, we find words that bring us very close to the tender or the overwhelming. Here is such a one, a poem beyond words, though made of them.

I hope you enjoy it. Watch and listen or read:

Small Kindnesses

By Danusha Laméris   

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk
down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs
to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you “when someone sneezes, a leftover
from the Bubonic plague. “Don’t die,” we are saying.
And sometimes, when you spill lemons
from your grocery bag, someone else will help you
pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot,
and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile
at them and for them to smile back. For the waitress
to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder,
and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far
from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these
fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here,
have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”


Danusha Laméris — From her website: https://www.danushalameris.com/

Her first book, The Moons of August (2014), was chosen by Naomi Shihab Nye as the winner of the Autumn House Press Poetry Prize and was a finalist for the Milt Kessler Book Award.

Her second book, Bonfire Opera, (University of Pittsburgh Press, Pitt Poetry Series), was a finalist for the 2021 Paterson Poetry Award and recipient of the 2021 Northern California Book Award in Poetry. 

Her third and newest collection, Blade by Blade (2024)  is now available through Copper Canyon Press.

Danusha is currently on the faculty of Pacific University’s low residency MFA program.

February 16, 2025

Is Your Relationship OK?

Lasting relationships have become a “maybe/maybe not” roll of two slippery dice.

MAY 30, 2024 — The U.S. Census Bureau today released estimates showing that married-couple households made up 47% of all households in 2022, down from 71% in 1970.*

Before I discuss how to evaluate your relationship’s stability, let’s examine some reasons for the decline noted above.

  • The sexual revolution of the 1960s removed the shame attached to premarital intercourse, especially for young women. To the extent that sex is an incentive to marry, one needn’t commit to marriage anymore for this kind of togetherness.
  • The change in standards just described captures what Oscar Wilde said in the late 19th century:

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”

  • Divorce is also more frequent than it used to be, making marriage a more obvious gamble. While the annual rate of divorce has declined in recent years, it remains far higher than it was before the ’60s:

Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

orange line chart showing Figure 1. Women’s Divorce Rate, 1900-2018

  • Many more women have lives outside the home and in the workplace. Historically, women left their residence only with their mate or a chaperone. Now, both partners have more freedom to meet other attractive people. 
  • The church doesn’t have the hold on individuals and their lives to the extent it once did. Oral contraceptives have reduced the number of “accidents,” which used to cause the parents and clergymen of a young couple to encourage or insist on their marriage.
  • Many women have discovered they can have fulfilling lives without a significant other and prefer to enjoy that freedom. Society’s historical expectations to produce children have diminished, and the birth rate has declined, leaving females less encumbered.
  • The Internet provides endless opportunities to meet new people. Pornography offers a substitute erotic charge.
  • Our disposable world encourages us to get rid of objects and obtain new ones. This objectification extends to lovers. Those who depart often miss the learned experience of repairing relationships, an essential skill for a relationship to endure.
  • We live in a world that changes at an accelerating pace, demanding more of us and requiring adaptation that is not our choice. If persuaded to “Be all you can be,” there is less encouragement to attend to the needs of others, including a partner and children. The Me generation is not the We generation.
  • Women are less inclined to put their interests second or submit to men. The once-accepted dominance of men has been put in its place to some degree, but there is significant resistance. The cliche of “moving on” often wins over those who would otherwise view the one they love as worth fighting for or adapting to.
  • Many believe the partner should complete him or her, producing a whole and blissful existence. If we are to feel complete and happy, that circumstance is more the work of each of us than anyone else.

Solutions? Whether you wish marriage or a less formal relationship, here’s one piece of advice. Do not assume that your significant other can read your mind. He or she cannot, even if he is a therapist. Speak up!

From time to time, it is wise to do a relationship check-up. In effect, you might call it an effort to determine the State of the Union. 

Cover at least the following areas:

  • Understanding. Does the partner see you as you wish to be seen?
  • Non-sexual displays of affection.
  • Sex.
  • Do you enjoy your time together, and is there enough?
  • Do you want more time apart?
  • Do you want your partner to take initiative in any area, from sex to planning events?
  • Would you like to engage in more activities, such as concerts, plays, spectator sports, workouts, seeing your family, dining out with others, taking courses together, watching movies, reading to each other or sharing the same book, etc.?
  • Showing appreciation and kindness.
  • Are chores and responsibilities fairly distributed at home and with children?
  • Money.
  • Conflict and Apology.
  • Future Plans.

One could go on. Love continues for those who pursue it. It remains the thing that poets praise, and, for a great many, make the complications of a life together worth all the trouble.

Sigmund Freud reminded us that love and work are essential to our humanity. But perhaps he should have added that work on love is required to sustain love.

Why bother?

Because nothing else takes us over the moon.

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*The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR) at Bowling Green State University notes.

**Sources: NCFMR analyses of data from the National Vital Statistics, CDC/NCHS, 1900-2000; U.S. Census Bureau 2000 Decennial Census; U.S. Census Bureau (IPUMS), American Community Survey, 2010 and 2018 (IPUMS). Note: Data for Alaska begin in 1959. Data for Hawaii began in 1960.

The Maiden is the work of Gustav Klimt, 2013. The second painting is Paul Klee’s Architecture of the Plain, 1923. Both of these are sourced from Wikiart.org.

January 12, 2025

What Is Possible After Rejection?

In discussing his 1993 movie The Age of Innocence, famous filmmaker Martin Scorsese said it depicted people not unlike ourselves: “We have the same problems of wanting things that we can’t have and having things that we don’t want.”

Among the acknowledgments we want is recognition for our best efforts, not professional rejection. That’s where Jimmy Carter’s life comes in—the deceased 39th President of the United States.

In the 1980 presidential election, approximately 50 million voters told Carter to get out—four years was enough. He won only 41% of the vote.

It is a painful thing to realize your mate wants no part of you, but the scale of humiliation Carter endured was off the charts. He was left with a monster-sized campaign debt, to boot.

Carter described the emotion of it all some years later at a meeting of prominent U.S. CEOs. The audience included Bernie Marcus, the co-founder of Home Depot. Marcus had just told of his own awful experience of being dismissed from a job.

Bernie, that is how I felt, except, I wasn’t fired by a board manipulated by an activist, I was fired by the American people—in the spotlight and left with no purpose and my dream shattered and no financier to back me. But I am dedicated to waging peace.

Scorcese’s movie, based on Edith Wharton’s novel of the same name, depicts late 19th-century New York high society. Despite status and wealth, they were a gossiping, competitive, and unhappy group. Carter had reason to be crushed by his loss, but he didn’t submit to the pettiness Wharton depicted.

Lavish dinners, foreign trips, and bespoke clothing—all they possessed—did not put them at ease, allow them to be themselves, or generate any sense of gratitude.

Jimmy Carter lived differently past the pomp and circumstance of his time as Chief Executive.

—

Humankind, never satisfied it owns enough of everything, including time, now puts time on bullet-speed roller skates. The 21st-century life unknown to Wharton left horses, buggies, and messengers behind. Taking their place are jet travel, computerized phones in everyone’s pocket, and an urgency to display personal uniqueness.

In our smaller world, the ambition to become famous grows larger.

Few would complain if the top of the mountain of renown made us happier. Scorsese, however, said we remain unsatisfied. Given the level of daily animus and finger-pointing, including some who seek revenge—it is hard to disagree with him.

Yet James Earl Carter, Jr. left a different model of living.

Active almost until his death at 100, his achievements in his long life stagger the imagination. Unlike most past presidents, he chose not to retire. The former commander-in-chief promoted world peace, resolved diplomatic stalemates, and worked to build homes for the homeless. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1992. His marriage of 77 years remains a model of why love matters. His work demonstrated the gift of offering love to one’s neighbors.

Neither wanting to return to the White House nor “getting and spending” propelled Carter’s good works. This former Navy Lieutenant taught Sunday School until his health began to fail. His religious faith motivated the desire to serve.

In this undated photo, Jimmy Carter gets his bars pinned on by his wife, Rosalynn, left, and his mother, Mrs. Lillian Carter, at the U.S. Naval Academy. (AP Photo)

An ancient Greek adage reminds us, “A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”

President James Earl Carter, Jr. spent his life growing those trees.

Americorps offers a tribute here.

December 22, 2024

Half the Way Home to Changing Your Life

You might be halfway to changing yourself but haven’t realized it. Sometimes, entering the darkness is the way to find the light. The sunrise waits for you and returns tomorrow to offer another chance to meet it.

Have you thought …

  1. I do not want to be this person.
  2. I don’t want to keep pretending.
  3. I know I’m scared, but I must stop avoiding those situations I fear.
  4. I need to be able to speak or present in front of a group.
  5. I’m afraid I will lose my friends if I change.
  6. Not all of my friends are worth keeping.
  7. I worry about being rejected.
  8. What must I do to become more confident?
  9. Will a therapist think I’m not worth treating? I will fail at counseling.
  10. I hear that counselors don’t give out grades.
  11. I need more friends.
  12. I make excuses not to go where I think I will be uncomfortable.
  13. I can’t eat alone in fine restaurants.
  14. I prefer talking on Zoom or on the telephone. I feel safer. Texts and emails are even better.
  15. I never know what to say but want to find the words.
  16. My parents and siblings are disappointed in me.
  17. My pet is my only real friend.
  18. I am easy to take advantage of. I feel used, but what would happen if I stopped?
  19. I avoid leadership opportunities if I can.
  20. I am not seen — not known by some people I’m closest to.
  21. I have made poor choices of friends.
  22. I read self-help books instead of changing what I do in the world.
  23. I need to go out more to places where I can meet people
  24. I compare how unhappy I feel with how joyous everyone else appears. Are they faking it?
  25. No more excuses. It is time!

If you have several of these thoughts, you are already more honest about yourself than many, including some you admire.

Half the work of psychotherapy is done.

The future holds risks for all of us, but we can also make ourselves over. An old expression reminds us that “every knock is a boost.” Learning and resilience can come from taking on challenges and enduring the defeats fate delivers. A therapist will remind you that you are not alone.

Perhaps you will gain a new perspective on the world and your place in it. Yes, the end of summer grows darker, but Camus wrote, “Autumn is a second spring when every leaf’s a flower.”

The sculptor’s clay stretches before you, waiting for your hands to reshape it. Listen to its quiet voice.

==========

The first image is The Great Wave off Kanagawa by Hokusai. It is followed by a view of San Francisco in Fog with Rays, posted by Brocken Inaglory. Both of these were sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

Finally, an Arizona Sunset on a Train Trestle, photographed in late July 2020, near Tucson by the superb photographic artist Laura Hedien, with her permission: Laura Hedien Official Website.

November 17, 2024

My Conversational Life: Of Love and Time

A busy street is an exciting place to walk. Couples chat while many singles listen to music or podcasts on earbuds or headphones. Others talk to friends on portable devices, oblivious to the flesh and blood crowd.

I usually look at faces, perhaps because of my career as a clinical psychologist. When I go into grocery stores, I often say a few words to one or more employees. I also search for name tags to voice their names instead of shrouding them in namelessness.

My friend Keith and I went to lunch on Thursday. The front desk hostess seated us at the quiet table we requested. The miss recognized that the table needed to be moved to allow us more room.

The diligent employee was perhaps 25, slightly built, and pretty, but I mostly attended to her strength and thoughtfulness in gripping and pulling the table.

“My goodness, you are strong … and lovely, too.”

“Thank you.”

She was both, though I didn’t gaze closely at her since my buddy and I were in the middle of a conversation upon entry.

When we left 90 minutes later, we passed by the front desk again. I looked at her with purpose this time. The youthful woman possessed a pastel beauty, understated in her delicate appearance and unforced gift of enchantment. I could only say, “You are even more beautiful now.”

It was true. I viewed her in a way I hadn’t before—looking into her eyes as I do with many people, as if all others have vanished, and the world consists of only the two of us.

In a second, before I turned away to catch up to my friend, I saw the beginning of a tear in one of her eyes. She couldn’t speak, but her expression and the tear said everything.

Such moments come to me without effort. My friends know me as a serious man with an excellent sense of humor. When I look at them, they recognize they are being seen.

My life is complete, and I seek no lovers who are a third of my age, no matter their attractiveness—even assuming they are interested.

Between the seconds that opened and closed our lunch, Keith and I talked about the recent death of his oldest brother and other consequential matters. My conversations are spiced with more humor, as a rule. At the end of our meeting, I did something I now do with such friends.

I told him what he meant to me.

I do not say what others offer more casually. I am specific. My words tell these fellow travelers what I find interesting, important, or remarkable about them. If one observes the other in-depth, this is not difficult.

It is essential.

One might ask why I have begun doing these things—to compliment the young woman or to tell my friends what fine qualities I recognize in them and why I value them as I do. 

In the past two years, I have lost six friends, acquaintances, or relatives: Cliff Levy, Don Osborn III, Lincoln Ramirez, Neil Rosen, Cheryl Huston, and Don Byrd. Three suffered long illnesses before their passing. I had not been in recent touch with them all before they died. Only with my cousin Cheryl did I speak of her importance to me and the reasons why.

Life is sometimes rather like a 40-minute Zoom meeting. It is free, an invention some of us use to catch up with others. Toward the end of our time, we might hear someone in the middle of their sentence, and the next word is suddenly cut off. Such is life.

Yes, I can buy more time on Zoom, but with all the people I mentioned, no amount of money would have achieved that end—stretching their lives and their loves, the stuff that made them special.

So goes a lesson I’ve learned about conversation, love, and time.

I do not seek your condolences and am not looking for a date. Nor should you think I am signaling some future tragic end.

This is about something else entirely.

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The 1929 photo is of the 14-year-old Swedish actress Ingrid Bergman. It is sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

September 8, 2024

More Than Beautiful: A Story about Love

The most eloquent writers make me marvel at how their art disguises their effort. They trigger a rethinking of old ideas and offer new ones.

But the new words below are those of a woman who wants no part of the admiration and applause that might be produced by writing a memoir. She offers enough of her experience to warn women like her about the nature of love and leaves it at that.

This gifted and accomplished lady (who calls herself H.) tells us who she is and who she was. Even though H. reveals few details of a headline trauma, she persuaded me to understand why she calls her life a tragedy—a tragedy about the absence of love and how that can happen.

Her comment came only recently in response to my 2009 post Beautiful and Smart, But Unlucky in Love: The Reasons Why:

When this article was originally published, I was 47. I was in the midst of the worst year of my life until then, even starving for months on end, and alone, alone, alone in my grief. And yet, I was still so beautiful, still in that girlish sort of way, that 20- and 25-year-old men (literally) sighed when I passed; and I saw their dreamy, bashfully eager eyes. Even in 2016, very young men that had been eyeing me with romantic interest were SHOCKED (again, literally) when they heard my age. (It wasn’t pleasant to experience, I can tell you that: the shock in their eyes, as if I had done something appalling, perhaps as if I were a freak out to get them.)

In the past few years, but especially in the past eleven months, I have lost almost every remnant of my beauty. While I still have my beautiful skin and gorgeous legs – funnily, nobody notices them anymore after they’ve seen my jowls and slightly sagging neck – I suspect I’ve become even slightly grotesque to see. (This is often the lot of beautiful people, strangely enough – but probably not a coincidence.) It matters to me, but not because I were “after” some man. It is too late for that because have no love left to give. (And also, let’s be frank, I have no interest in being a nurse to some old man, not do I wish to be a mother figure – or worse, a fetish – to some youngster.)

Anyway …since this exceptionally fine article (No. 1), especially, is priceless advice,** certainly applicable in my case) is precisely about women who have – or are perceived as having – an overabundance of desirable qualities, it should not be too immodest to mention that I am an extremely thoughtful and kind person, at the very top of my (creative) profession, with many (sadly untapped) talents, speak many languages (English is my fourth), and an IQ the measurements of which have varied throughout my life (for obvious reasons), but the lowest score was cca 170. I used to be great fun, too, witty, adventurous, with stars in my eyes… I was EXPECTING love – great, all-consuming love – to find me (how and why on earth would it give me a miss, right?) – so I never tried to “find” it; I still don’t believe in that approach, anyway.

Well, for some reason, “Love” either lost track of me (yes, we did move a lot when I was a child, but that wasn’t the problem) or just decided that I was, I don’t know… too good for any mortal man? OF COURSE I am joking. But let me tell you something: more than once I’ve heard men – some, not all, drunk (always listen to drunk men) – tell me literally: “You are too good to be true.” Others – not many (I don’t live in a “romantic” society) – have approached me to tell me how 20 years ago they were madly in love with me… (With all due respect: WTF?! You are telling me this NOW – why? Because I am no longer a threat to you, right?)

If a (wo)man tells you you are too good for him/her, or just “too good to be true”- believe them. It means they would always feel inferior to you. (*I* certainly wouldn’t want to be with someone who would feel – let alone BE – inferior to me.)

Anyway, I had ONE “relationship” (and he was married when we met) in my early twenties. He was a physically gorgeous man, but physically and verbally abusive. After that, I only had a few short affairs – and I loved (or even liked) none of them, but wanted to at least experience sex (that happened to be laughable in almost all cases, except the first one). It was as if, deep down, I’d always known – literally from early childhood – that I was never to experience LOVE.

I could go on and on and on… in fact, my life would make quite a puzzling page-turner, but I am not going to write it. Nobody else will, either, because nobody really knows the tragedy that is my life; and “older” women cease to be interesting to those who are still living the high summer of life, anyway.

BOTTOM-LINE: In some cases, there may not only be nothing much wrong with you – it may be that you are perceived as TOO good… at least by men who are afraid to approach (and rightly so, because who wants a wimp?). Who we meet – as friends, as lovers – really is down to dumb luck. You can help your “luck” by moving to a milieu that is at least vast and varied enough for you to offer enough choice. Because there are many, many good, excellent men out there… but in the wrong milieu you may never meet a single one.

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**1. This is the portion of Beautiful and Smart, But Unlucky in Love: The Reasons Why that was referred to by H. in the third paragraph of the quoted text above:

If you came from a home where you were neglected, criticized, or abused, your self-worth is likely to be less than what it should be. Recall Marilyn Monroe: famous, beautiful, and talented, but insecure and unlucky in love. A woman with the background I’ve described often looks for approval from someone who unconsciously reminds her of someone who failed to love her as a child. It is as if the unconscious mind is still looking for the thing never achieved before (love or approval), and it only has value if it comes from a similar person. Since the parent in question was neglectful or critical, the chosen substitute will likely be that way, providing the woman another chance to win loving attention. Given her poor choice of a partner, the sought-after affection and approval are no more likely than they were in childhood.

My response to H.‘s 2024 comment to the 2009 post can be found here: Beautiful and Smart, But Unlucky in Love: The Reasons Why.

It is currently at the bottom of the long list of comments.

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The first photo is called Attractive Beautiful Red-Haired Girl by Jerzy Gorecki. The second is Hedy Lamarr by A.L. Whitey Schaefer. Both are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.

August 18, 2024

Sex With Your Therapist: The Ethical Issues

Erotic transference always involves the patient’s desire for the therapist. The complexity jumps when the counselor reciprocates the craving.

It is in the client’s interest to guide the patient in resolving her feelings while the therapist contains his own. When he cannot accomplish the latter, even after consultation and supervision from another professional, the danger of malpractice becomes enormous.

The first principle governing all helping professionals is to “Do no harm,” which includes prohibitions against physical intimacy with clients, present and past.

Today, I will present relevant sections of the Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct of the American Psychological Association. I’ve added a few comments along the way:*

**10.05 Sexual Intimacies with Current Therapy Clients/Patients

Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current therapy clients/patients.

Comment: Patients often feel gratitude toward the person helping them through a difficult patch. Sometimes, their psychologist might have been the first to “see” and understand their essence, carry their secrets, and not betray them. Whether accurate or not, these observations and emotions in the client can give the counselor unequal influence in the dyad and the power of one who stands on a pedestal.

**10.06 Sexual Intimacies with Relatives or Significant Others of Current Therapy Clients/Patients.

Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with individuals they know to be close relatives, guardians, or significant others of current clients/patients. Psychologists do not terminate therapy to circumvent this standard.

Comment: The reasoning is simple. Involvement with other family members can disrupt and injure the client. 

For example, imagine the client’s sister becomes the lover of her sibling’s psychoanalyst. Fear of the counselor sharing details of conversations with the relative might occur. Jealousy and friction between the sisters can’t be ruled out. Anger at the doctor and feelings of betrayal in more than one direction might also erupt.

**10.07 Therapy with Former Sexual Partners

Psychologists do not accept as therapy clients/patients with whom they have engaged in sexual intimacies.

Comment: Ex-lovers, where one wants to become the healer’s client, involve two people who might carry a torch for the other. Office counseling sessions can reignite the flame. Everyone knows how many complications occur in the ordinary course of a relationship. In the dual role of lover/therapist, the counselor unintentionally invites harm to the person his profession tells him he must protect.

**10.08 Sexual Intimacies with Former Therapy Clients/Patients.

(a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy.

(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client’s/patient’s personal history; (5) the client’s/patient’s current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a post-termination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient. (See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships .)

Comment: The essential point here is more than the time-designated prohibition of an affair. Even when the two-year post-treatment “ban” has elapsed, the ethical guidelines suggest the counselor and client should still not have a carnal liaison.

Imagine an ardor-filled mutual attraction that is unresolved during professional contact.

Perhaps one party suggests waiting for the other until the two-year prohibition has expired. If they agree to start the clock, they might terminate the psychotherapeutic element of their connection and count the days.

The ethical guidelines focus on the professional’s responsibility because of the power imbalance in the relationship and the possibility of harming the now previous patient. They put “the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation” entirely on the psychologist.

Some years ago, I heard the answer to a crucial question in a required educational seminar on professional ethics. The question was obvious but necessary:

Is there ever an adequate legal defense against a malpractice claim due to sexual intimacy occuring after the termination of treatment?

The wise presenter offered an imaginary defensible scenario similar to this:

The doctor and patient, both married to others, concluded a substantial period of psychotherapy. About five years later, they recognized each other on the same flight across the Pacific Ocean. They each traveled alone.

The plane crashes, and the pair find themselves the only survivors on a deserted island. Of course, they both hoped to be rescued and had no sexual contact during this time. After two more years, they gave up the hope of rescue. 

Then they began to have sex.

More time went by, and they were rescued and returned to their waiting spouses. 

In this hypothetical example, the woman eventually sued for malpractice, and the psychoanalyst had a reasonable chance of acquittal—or so the presenter believed would happen if the story were real.

As you can understand, the seminar leader was saying that only under extreme and unusual conditions might there be an adequate defense for a sexual relationship between the counselor and his previous patient. 

Translate that into this implicit guidance within the code of conduct: Never, never, never do it.

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*Therapists who are not psychologists typically follow other, not necessarily identical, guidelines.

The four paintings in order: Man and Woman, Embrace by Egon Schiele, 1917, sourced from Wikimedia Commons. The Lovers by Rene Magritte, 1928. Blue Lovers by Marc Chagall, 1914. Green Lovers, also by Chagall, 1915. The final three images are sourced from Wikiart.org/