Woody Allen denies he ever said, “Ninety percent of life is showing up.” Still, someone did.
Regardless of the author, what does it mean?
It refers to taking chances and working hard; if not welcoming challenges, at least not shying away from them. They often come without an announcement for those who listen for their call.
In and out of my clinical practice, I’ve met people who don’t “show up,” sometimes literally. Such individuals fail to put time and effort into therapy or whatever they “claim” is important to them.
How many people say their family is the essential thing in life but allocate their hours as if loved ones were second, third, or even lower on the list?
“Showing up” means stating you value something or someone and striving for consistency between your words and deeds. Of course, when acknowledging a person or thing has worth, you are taking the risk that a failure to search for it, discover it, or maintain it will disappoint you.
Other self-deceptions can also motivate the failure to be “present.” The parent who claims his children are Number #1 might substitute “quality time” for inadequate quantity. Where money is not an issue, providing gifts does not offer a worthy excuse for the lack of a benign and caring adult presence. Worse still is when the parent blames the young one or the spouse for his absence.
Teens are not free of their own self-willed ignorance about what they do. I treated some teenagers who denied school mattered and didn’t try hard. In this way, they protected themselves against possible frustration.
Better to be thought indifferent than unable to “do the thing you think you cannot do,” as Eleanor Roosevelt said. The adolescents in question armored their egos from the hurt that comes with the awareness of inability.
Ironically, some of these kids might have succeeded with sufficient dedication, persistence, and a little assistance. The decision not to “show up” became a self-fulfilling prophecy, guaranteeing the result they feared.
“Showing up” often brings unexpected benefits, as well. If people observe your face and your diligence, they may give you the benefit of the doubt. Your efforts and identity stamp you as someone reliable and conscientious.
The memory of those qualities attached to your name increases your chance of being called upon. Someone comes to believe in what you can do, sometimes even an unknown authority who has heard about you.
Is this luck? Perhaps. But by living this way, you will find yourself more often in the right place at an opportune moment. Or, as Branch Rickey said, “Luck is the residue of design.”
Determination pays off in unexpected ways. Countless stories tell us how bright and attractive women come to fall in love with men who, at first, make no impression.
Ultimately, these ladies admired the man who seemed dedicated and sincere in his pursuit (I’m not talking about stalkers). The strength of the man’s personality and the sheer amount of contact allowed her to see him in a fresh light.
Contrast this with gentlemen afraid to ask the woman out, unable to imagine she might reciprocate interest. The most successful suitors are those who don’t worry much about rejection, or if they do, refuse to let the potential pain stop them. They think more about the goal than future disappointment.
There is much to behold when the sun is ablaze, but what you focus on sometimes makes a transformative difference in where you land. Too many of us become as sightless as those who are blind.
A woman I talked with at a high school reunion said all the attractive girls wondered what they’d done wrong when the boys didn’t ask them out. Most of the young men were terrified! The ones who walked the high wire of romance had the field to themselves.
Fear doesn’t get you anywhere in life. We tend to regret missed opportunities more than those we reach for but fail to grab. On one’s deathbed, no one says, “Gee, I should have done less with my life.” The only exception to this rule of regret is spending more time with your children, a late sadness that trumps much else.
Many tell themselves they won’t act until the moment is right, as if waiting for their feelings to catch up to their desires is a recipe for accomplishment.
Instead, events often turn out the other way around: your hesitation changes over time because of repeated actions. And nearly as frequently, your emotions can be modified by what you tell yourself about them.
One can decatastrophize the situation by looking at it through an objective lens of reality and the lessons imparted by history rather than through the telescopic magnifying effect of emotion and imagination.
If fear prevents you from translating your values into action, their alleged importance might as well not exist. If your anxiety leads to avoidance, perhaps you will also miss what psychotherapy can do to put you on the right path in small steps.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is often beneficial in dealing with social anxieties and other fears, producing empirically verified results otherwise unavailable. There is no shame in having fear; everyone experiences it, and some amount of anxiety is useful. However, allowing paralyzing worry to capture all your days must be escaped.
For those who dare to face their troubling anticipations (with a bit of help), life can provide rewards thought unavailable.
Don’t be afraid to change. “Show up” for life.
Remember, “This isn’t the rehearsal; this is the performance.”
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The image at the top of the post is a reporter raising his hand to ask a question of U.S. Army General Ray Odierno at the Pentagon Press Conference on Iraq, June 4, 2010. It is a U.S. Army photo taken by Cherie Cullen.
The second image is a Poster for the Federal Theatre Project presentation of “Help Yourself” at the Musart Theatre, 1320 S. Figueroa, Los Angeles, Calif., showing a bank teller and a woman with bags and stacks of money, 1937, Library of Congress.
Finally, “The Bravery” is an album cover of a release by Kirill Fandeev. All three are sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
