childhood problems

May 27, 2024

“Not Invited,” “Picked Last,” and Other Small Tragedies of Childhood

https://i0.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f5/Rejection.jpg/240px-Rejection.jpg

Unless you were a charismatic or popular child, you know what it feels like to be the lone person uninvited to a party.

Let’s say a bunch of boys chose sides for a ball game, and you were picked last. Then, if worse is possible, your chums assigned you the job of patrolling right field, the spot on the baseball diamond from which you would inflict the least damage.

Females are subject to similar challenges. Remember when you tried to join a circle of girls engaged in conversation, only to find them falling silent upon your approach? Breaking the hush, the leader told you the meeting was private.

Humiliation, embarrassment, sadness, and chagrin—call it what you may—the wound lingers. Indeed, it survives long enough that you are now thinking of an example from your life.

Bummer.

Most kids want to be part of the group. Being chosen last or uninvited sets you apart. Your secret is the topic of gossip.

Until you are among the unselected, you might be unaware you are considered a poor athlete, unpopular, or both. Once identified, however, you know it, as does everyone else.

This happens to adults, too. One such event happened at a psychiatric hospital staff meeting I attended.

The psychology section held an election for president and secretary. Two people competed for the former office and only one for the latter. The candidates left the room before the vote, allowing discussion before asking for a show of hands.

The selection of the next president took little time. Afterward, the choice of secretary occurred, an outcome thought assured since the only person who wanted the job ran unopposed.

Not so fast. The candidate wasn’t well thought of. Thus, while the unfortunate fellow remained outside, someone nominated the just-defeated presidential candidate to run against him. Sure enough, the unwanted gentleman lost.

This was the only time I witnessed the embarrassing defeat of someone who was the sole office seeker moments before.

You can imagine how this turn of events struck the man who believed his ascension to the secretary position was a formality. Playing right field would have felt terrific by comparison.

No one wants to stand out in that way. They don’t wish to be the kid who brings the worst gift to their friend’s birthday celebration. Nor does anyone want to wear clothes that are different from their classmates: outdated, too large, too small, or too worn.

Does a youngster hope to be the poor soul whose less-than-adept mother cuts his hair for the first time?

A young lady doesn’t want to be the one who “isn’t allowed” to wear makeup, use lipstick, or have hair arranged in yesterday’s style.

Not every psychic injury inflicted during childhood occurs at home. It’s a wonder a team of therapists isn’t stationed on the playground to deal with the walking wounded. Little children’s resilience must be impressive to permit them to survive and flourish despite the hard experience of youthful innocence.

The next time your son or daughter comes home in distress, slow down and take a moment. Consider encouraging your offspring to recount his misfortune.

A playground only appears to be a place where happy moments predominate. The space also serves as a battleground or a forge in which a personality is shaped, emotions are managed, and children’s vulnerability is taxed. Young people learn to negotiate the choppy waters of life in such places.

Remember the tenderness of your feelings? What helped you to bounce back from unhappiness in the best way?

“Be there” for the ones you love. You are their guardians, after all.

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The top image is called Rejection by Mjt16, sourced from Wikimedia Commons. Below it is Soul and Tears by Laura Burch, sourced from Wikiart.org/

November 14, 2009

Making the Same Mistakes Over and Over: How to Learn From Childhood

There are few perfect childhoods out there. Indeed, it’s the nature of childhood to have some tough times. You are small, you don’t know anything, everything has to be learned for the first time. No wonder its a challenge! The adults tower over you and the big kids can belittle you, push you around, and trip you up. Literally.

So what do we do to survive childhood? Well, we figure out some strategies to deal with the problems that we face. For example, if you have an angry parent, you might learn to be sensitive to signs of upset in someone else, know when to keep your head down, try not to ruffle feathers. On the other hand, if you had a parent who only gave you attention when you were helpful and solicitous, doing things like looking after your younger siblings, you could have learned how to take care of others and seen that quality as, perhaps, one of your only virtues.

Often, the solutions that were necessary early in your life don’t work very well in the “older” (which is to say “current”) version of you. Being sensitive to possible anger in friends, lovers, and coworkers could well find you cowering unnecessarily, accepting half-a-loaf because your are afraid that if you speak up, you will get none. Being a care-taker as an adult might get you some initial approval, but it can prove unsatisfying when the person you are with expects that you will do all the caring and give all the help in the relationship, but doesn’t think to give much back to you.

It’s a little bit like this: Imagine that you were born in Alaska, learned to wear heavy clothes and multiple layers. It was a solution that was necessary and one that worked. If you continue to live in Alaska, you will find success if you use the same solution forever. But, should you move to South Florida and operate by the same set of internalized rules, now you will have quite a problem!

Childhood solutions only are useful to adults if you continue to live in circumstances similar to your childhood. But, by definition, most of us live in different circumstances. We are not any longer so small and defenseless, so unworldly and innocent. We now have much more capability to change the world around us. Unfortunately, some of us don’t know it.

Are you doing the same things that you did as a kid, using solutions that haven’t solved anything for a while? Are you suppressing emotions because that  was a good strategy in an uncaring childhood home? Are you still afraid of situations that resemble your early life challenges? Do you still avoid difficulties, never having figured out how to face them?

It’s worth taking an inventory of your early life and, even more importantly, your current life.  Look frankly at what did or didn’t work as a kid (and what does or doesn’t work now), asking yourself whether youthful difficulties produced a way of being that isn’t helpful. If you keep using failed solutions, you will likely continue to experience failure. Most of our problems are patient. They wait for us to recognize them and then to solve them. They can wait a lifetime.

Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life, making the same mistakes, accepting less than what might be possible and good for you? If you are willing to wait in that way, don’t call a therapist; you are too patient and not sufficiently motivated to change. But if you are beginning to be aware of how unsatisfying your way of living is and have the courage to face that fact, do call. That’s what therapists are there for.